Act IV
Scene I A Room in Sir Tunbelly Clumsy’s House
Enter MISS HOYDEN and NURSE.
NURSE.
Well, miss, how do you like your husband that is to be?
MISS HOYDEN.
O Lord, nurse, I’m so overjoyed I can scarce contain myself!
NURSE.
Oh, but you must have a care of being too fond; for men, nowadays, hate a woman that loves ’em.
MISS HOYDEN.
Love him! why, do you think I love him, nurse? Ecod I would not care if he was hanged, so I were but once married to him. No, that which pleases me is to think what work I’ll make when I get to London; for when I am a wife and a lady both, ecod, I’ll flaunt it with the best of ’em. Ay, and I shall have money enough to do so too, nurse.
NURSE.
Ah, there’s no knowing that, miss; for though these lords have a power of wealth indeed, yet, as I have heard say, they give it all to their sluts and their trulls, who joggle it about in their coaches, with a murrain to ’em, whilst poor madam sits sighing and wishing, and has not a spare half-crown to buy her a Practice of Piety.
MISS HOYDEN.
Oh, but for that, don’t deceive yourself, nurse; for this I must say of my lord, he’s as free as an open house at Christmas; for this very morning he told me I should have six hundred a year to buy pins. Now if he gives me six hundred a year to buy pins, what do you think he’ll give me to buy petticoats?
NURSE.
Ay, my dearest, he deceives thee foully, and he’s no better than a rogue for his pains! These Londoners have got a gibberish with ’em would confound a gipsy. That which they call pin-money, is to buy everything in the versal world, down to their very shoe-knots. Nay, I have heard some folks say that some ladies, if they’ll have gallants as they call ’em, are forced to find them out of their pin-money too.—But look, look, if his honour be not coming to you!—Now, if I were sure you would behave yourself handsomely, and not disgrace me that have brought you up, I’d leave you alone together.
MISS HOYDEN.
That’s my best nurse; do as you’d be done by. Trust us together this once, and if I don’t show my breeding, I wish I may never be married, but die an old maid.
NURSE.
Well, this once I’ll venture you. But if you disparage me—
MISS HOYDEN.
Never fear. [Exit NURSE.]
Enter TOM FASHION.
TOM FASHION.
Your servant, madam; I’m glad to find you alone, for I have something of importance to speak to you about.
MISS HOYDEN.
Sir (my lord, I meant), you may speak to me about what you please, I shall give you a civil answer.
TOM FASHION.
You give so obliging an one, it encourages me to tell you in a few words what I think, both for your interest and mine. Your father, I suppose you know, has resolved to make me happy in being your husband; and I hope I may obtain your consent to perform what he desires.
MISS HOYDEN.
Sir, I never disobey my father in anything but eating green gooseberries.
TOM FASHION.
So good a daughter must needs be an admirable wife. I am therefore impatient till you are mine, and hope you will so far consider the violence of my love, that you won’t have the cruelty to defer my happiness so long as your father designs it.
MISS HOYDEN.
Pray, my lord, how long is that?
TOM FASHION.
Madam, a thousand years—a whole week.
MISS HOYDEN.
Why, I thought it was to be tomorrow morning, as soon as I was up. I’m sure nurse told me so.
TOM FASHION.
And it shall be tomorrow morning, if you’ll consent.
MISS HOYDEN.
If I’ll consent! Why I thought I was to obey you as my husband.
TOM FASHION.
That’s when we are married. Till then, I’m to obey you.
MISS HOYDEN.
Why then, if we are to take it by turns, it’s the same thing. I’ll obey you now, and when we are married you shall obey me.
TOM FASHION.
With all my heart. But I doubt we must get nurse on our side, or we shall hardly prevail with the chaplain.
MISS HOYDEN.
No more we shan’t, indeed; for he loves her better than he loves his pulpit, and would always be a-preaching to her by his good will.
TOM FASHION.
Why then, my dear, if you’ll call her hither we’ll persuade her presently.
MISS HOYDEN.
O Lud! I’ll tell you a way how to persuade her to anything.
TOM FASHION.
How’s that?
MISS HOYDEN.
Why tell her she’s a handsome comely woman, and give her half a crown.
TOM FASHION.
Nay, if that will do, she shall have half a score of ’em.
MISS HOYDEN.
O gemini! for half that she’d marry you herself.—I’ll run and call her. [Exit.]
TOM FASHION.
So! matters go on swimmingly. This is a rare girl, i’faith. I shall have a fine time on’t with her at London.
Enter LORY. So, Lory, what’s the matter?
LORY.
Here, sir—an intercepted packet from the enemy; your brother’s postilion brought it. I knew the livery, pretended to be a servant of Sir Tunbelly’s, and so got possession of the letter.
TOM FASHION.
[Looks at the letter.] Ouns! he tells Sir Tunbelly here that he will be with him this evening, with a large party to supper.—Egad, I must marry the girl directly.
LORY.
Oh, zounds, sir, directly to be sure. Here she comes. [Exit.]
TOM FASHION.
And the old Jezebel with her.
Re-enter MISS HOYDEN and NURSE. How do you do, good Mrs. Nurse? I desired your young lady would give me leave to see you, that I might thank you for your extraordinary care and kind conduct in her education: pray accept this small acknowledgment for it at present, and depend upon my further kindness when I shall be that happy thing, her husband. [Gives her money.]
NURSE.
[Aside.] Gold, by the maakins!—[Aloud.] Your honour’s goodness is too great. Alas! all I can boast of is, I gave her pure and good milk, and so your honour would have said, an you had seen how the poor thing thrived, and how it would look up in my face, and crow and laugh, it would.
MISS HOYDEN.
[To NURSE, taking her angrily aside.] Pray, one word with you. Pr’ythee, nurse, don’t stand ripping up old stories, to make one ashamed before one’s love. Do you think such a fine proper gentleman as he is cares for a fiddlecome tale of a child? If you have a mind to make him have a good opinion of a woman, don’t tell him what one did then, tell him what one can do now.—[To Tom FASHION.] I hope your honour will excuse my mis-manners to whisper before you. It was only to give some orders about the family.
TOM FASHION.
Oh, everything, madam, is to give way to business; besides, good housewifery is a very commendable quality in a young lady.
MISS HOYDEN.
Pray, sir, are young ladies good housewives at London-town? Do they darn their own linen?
TOM FASHION.
Oh no, they study how to spend money, not to save.
MISS HOYDEN.
Ecod, I don’t know but that may be better sport, eh, nurse?
TOM FASHION.
Well, you have your choice, when you come there.
MISS HOYDEN.
Shall I? then, by my troth, I’ll get there as fast as I can.—[To NURSE.] His honour desires you’ll be so kind as to let us be married tomorrow.
NURSE.
Tomorrow, my dear madam?
TOM FASHION.
Ay, faith, nurse, you may well be surprised at miss’s wanting to put it off so long. Tomorrow! no, no; ’tis now, this very hour, I would have the ceremony performed.
MISS HOYDEN.
Ecod, with all my heart.
NURSE.
O mercy! worse and worse!
TOM FASHION.
Yes, sweet nurse, now and privately; for all things being signed and sealed, why should Sir Tunbelly make us stay a week for a wedding-dinner?
NURSE.
But if you should be married now, what will you do when Sir Tunbelly calls for you to be married?
MISS HOYDEN.
Why then we will be married again.
NURSE.
What twice, my child?
MISS HOYDEN.
Ecod, I don’t care how often I’m married, not I.
NURSE.
Well, I’m such a tender-hearted fool, I find I can refuse you nothing. So you shall e’en follow your own inventions.
MISS HOYDEN.
Shall I? O Lord, I could leap over the moon!
TOM FASHION.
Dear nurse, this goodness of yours shall be still more rewarded. But now you must employ your power with the chaplain, that he may do this friendly office too, and then we shall be all happy. Do you think you can prevail with him?
NURSE.
Prevail with him! or he shall never prevail with me, I can tell him that.
TOM FASHION.
I’m glad to hear it; however, to strengthen your interest with him, you may let him know I have several fat livings in my gift, and that the first that falls shall be in your disposal.
NURSE.
Nay, then, I’ll make him marry more folks than one, I’ll promise him!
MISS HOYDEN.
Faith, do, nurse, make him marry you too; I’m sure he’ll do’t for a fat living.
TOM FASHION.
Well, nurse, while you go and settle matters with him, your lady and I will go and take a walk in the garden.—[Exit NURSE.] Come, madam, dare you venture yourself alone with me? [Takes MISS HOYDEN by the hand.] Miss Hoyd. Oh dear, yes, sir; I don’t think you’ll do anythink to me, I need be afraid on. [Exeunt.]