Act I
Scene I The Hall of an Inn
Enter TOM FASHION and LORY, POSTILION following with a portmanteau.
TOM FASHION.
Lory, pay the postboy, and take the portmanteau.
LORY.
[Aside to TOM FASHION.] Faith, sir, we had better let the postboy take the portmanteau and pay himself.
TOM FASHION.
[Aside to LORY.] Why, sure, there’s something left in it!
LORY.
Not a rag, upon my honour, sir! We ate the last of your wardrobe at New Malton—and, if we had had twenty miles further to go, our next meal must have been of the cloak-bag.
TOM FASHION.
Why, ’sdeath, it appears full!
LORY.
Yes, sir—I made bold to stuff it with hay, to save appearances, and look like baggage.
TOM FASHION.
[Aside.] What the devil shall I do?—[Aloud.] Hark’ee, boy, what’s the chaise?
POSTILION.
Thirteen shillings, please your honour.
TOM FASHION.
Can you give me change for a guinea?
POSTILION.
Oh, yes, sir.
LORY.
[Aside.] So, what will he do now?—[Aloud.] Lord, sir, you had better let the boy be paid below.
TOM FASHION.
Why, as you say, Lory, I believe it will be as well.
LORY.
Yes, yes, I’ll tell them to discharge you below, honest friend.
POSTILION.
Please your honour, there are the turnpikes too.
TOM FASHION.
Ay, ay, the turnpikes by all means.
POSTILION.
And I hope your honour will order me something for myself.
TOM FASHION.
To be sure; bid them give you a crown.
LORY.
Yes, yes—my master doesn’t care what you charge them—so get along, you—
POSTILION.
And there’s the ostler, your honour.
LORY.
Psha! damn the ostler!—would you impose upon the gentleman’s generosity?—[Pushes him out.] A rascal, to be so cursed ready with his change!
TOM FASHION.
Why, faith, Lory, he had nearly posed me.
LORY.
Well, sir, we are arrived at Scarborough, not worth a guinea! I hope you’ll own yourself a happy man—you have outlived all your cares.
TOM FASHION.
How so, sir?
LORY.
Why, you have nothing left to take care of.
TOM FASHION.
Yes, sirrah, I have myself and you to take care of still.
LORY.
Sir, if you could prevail with somebody else to do that for you, I fancy we might both fare the better for it. But now, sir, for my Lord Foppington, your elder brother.
TOM FASHION.
Damn my eldest brother.
LORY.
With all my heart; but get him to redeem your annuity, however. Look you, sir; you must wheedle him, or you must starve.
TOM FASHION.
Look you, sir; I would neither wheedle him, nor starve.
LORY.
Why, what will you do, then?
TOM FASHION.
Cut his throat, or get someone to do it for me.
LORY.
Gad so, sir, I’m glad to find I was not so well acquainted with the strength of your conscience as with the weakness of your purse.
TOM FASHION.
Why, art thou so impenetrable a blockhead as to believe he’ll help me with a farthing?
LORY.
Not if you treat him de haut en bas, as you used to do.
TOM FASHION.
Why, how wouldst have me treat him?
LORY.
Like a trout—tickle him.
TOM FASHION.
I can’t flatter.
LORY.
Can you starve?
TOM FASHION.
Yes.
LORY.
I can’t. Good by t’ye, sir.
TOM FASHION.
Stay—thou’lt distract me. But who comes here? My old friend, Colonel Townly.
Enter COLONEL TOWNLY.
My dear Colonel, I am rejoiced to meet you here.
COLONEL TOWNLY.
Dear Tom, this is an unexpected pleasure! What, are you come to Scarborough to be present at your brother’s wedding?
LORY.
Ah, sir, if it had been his funeral, we should have come with pleasure.
COLONEL TOWNLY.
What, honest Lory, are you with your master still?
LORY.
Yes, sir; I have been starving with him ever since I saw your honour last.
TOM FASHION.
Why, Lory is an attached rogue; there’s no getting rid of him.
LORY.
True, sir, as my master says, there’s no seducing me from his service.—[Aside.] Till he’s able to pay me my wages.
TOM FASHION.
Go, go, sir, and take care of the baggage.
LORY.
Yes, sir, the baggage!—O Lord! [Takes up the portmanteau.] I suppose, sir, I must charge the landlord to be very particular where he stows this?
TOM FASHION.
Get along, you rascal.—[Exit LORY with the portmanteau.] But, Colonel, are you acquainted with my proposed sister-in-law?
COLONEL TOWNLY.
Only by character. Her father, Sir Tunbelly Clumsy, lives within a quarter of a mile of this place, in a lonely old house, which nobody comes near. She never goes abroad, nor sees company at home; to prevent all misfortunes, she has her breeding within doors; the parson of the parish teaches her to play upon the dulcimer, the clerk to sing, her nurse to dress, and her father to dance;—in short, nobody has free admission there but our old acquaintance, Mother Coupler, who has procured your brother this match, and is, I believe, a distant relation of Sir Tunbelly’s.
TOM FASHION.
But is her fortune so considerable?
COLONEL TOWNLY.
Three thousand a year, and a good sum of money, independent of her father, beside.
TOM FASHION.
’Sdeath! that my old acquaintance, Dame Coupler, could not have thought of me, as well as my brother, for such a prize.
COLONEL TOWNLY.
Egad, I wouldn’t swear that you are too late. His lordship, I know, hasn’t yet seen the lady—and, I believe, has quarrelled with his patroness.
TOM FASHION.
My dear Colonel, what an idea have you started!
COLONEL TOWNLY.
Pursue it, if you can, and I promise you shall have my assistance; for, besides my natural contempt for his lordship, I have at present the enmity of a rival towards him.
TOM FASHION.
What, has he been addressing your old flame, the widow Berinthia?
COLONEL TOWNLY.
Faith, Tom, I am at present most whimsically circumstanced. I came here a month ago to meet the lady you mention; but she failing in her promise, I, partly from pique and partly from idleness, have been diverting my chagrin by offering up incense to the beauties of Amanda, our friend Loveless’s wife.
TOM FASHION.
I never have seen her, but have heard her spoken of as a youthful wonder of beauty and prudence.
COLONEL TOWNLY.
She is so indeed; and, Loveless being too careless and insensible of the treasure he possesses, my lodging in the same house has given me a thousand opportunities of making my assiduities acceptable; so that, in less than a fortnight, I began to bear my disappointment from the widow with the most Christian resignation.
TOM FASHION.
And Berinthia has never appeared?
COLONEL TOWNLY.
Oh, there’s the perplexity! for, just as I began not to care whether I ever saw her again or not, last night she arrived.
TOM FASHION.
And instantly resumed her empire.
COLONEL TOWNLY.
No, faith—we met—but, the lady not condescending to give me any serious reasons for having fooled me for a month, I left her in a huff.
TOM FASHION.
Well, well, I’ll answer for it she’ll soon resume her power, especially as friendship will prevent your pursuing the other too far. But my coxcomb of a brother is an admirer of Amanda’s too, is he?
COLONEL TOWNLY.
Yes, and I believe is most heartily despised by her. But come with me, and you shall see her and your old friend Loveless.
TOM FASHION.
I must pay my respects to his lordship—perhaps you can direct me to his lodgings.
COLONEL TOWNLY.
Come with me; I shall pass by it.
TOM FASHION.
I wish you could pay this visit for me, or could tell me what I should say to him.
COLONEL TOWNLY.
Say nothing to him—apply yourself to his bag, his sword, his feather, his snuff-box; and when you are well with them, desire him to lend you a thousand pounds, and I’ll engage you prosper.
TOM FASHION.
’Sdeath and furies! why was that coxcomb thrust into the world before me? O Fortune, Fortune, thou art a jilt, by Gad! [Exeunt.