The Revenge of Don Lucas
Don Lucas, a rich, fat, ugly little man, betrothed to his ward, Doña Isabel, against her will.
Don Pedro, young cousin to Don Lucas, and in love with Isabel.
Don Luis, a gaunt old batchelor, also in love with Isabel.
Doña Isabel.
Doña Alfonsa, an old maid, sister to Don Lucas, and in love with Don Pedro.
Periwig, valet to Don Lucas.
Don Lucas and Don Luis.
Don Luis. I tell you—yesterday at Illescas she departed from her mute coyness and, quitting her chamber, came to discourse with me under the porch, where she told me she would be my bride with all her heart, and that her hand was bestowed upon you against her will. If this be truth, why separate two loving souls?... I hold you for a man of mind, and therefore come to demand....
Don Lucas. No more, for by the devil, I’ll pay you out....
D. Alfonsa. (knocking without). Is my brother here?
Don Lucas. Into my bedroom, quick, I must see my sister.
Don Luis. Let me know first if my life and liberty are secure!
Don Lucas. Be off with you, ther time enough to look after your life and liberty.
[Exit Don Luis.
Don Lucas and Doña Alfonsa.
D. Alfonsa. Brother?
Don Lucas. Well, sister Alfonsa?
D. Alfonsa. I have something to tell you.
Don Lucas. Deuce take it, everybody has something to tell me. But it’s my own fault for listening.
D. Alfonsa. Are we alone?
Don Lucas. Yes, sister.
D. Alfonsa. Will you be angry at what I’m going to tell you?
Don Lucas. How do I know?
D. Alfonsa. Well, you know....
Don Lucas. I don’t know.
D. Alfonsa.... That I am a woman....
Don Lucas. I don’t know anything of the kind.
D. Alfonsa. Brother?...
Don Lucas. Do be quick and have done with it. You’ll all be the death of me.
D. Alfonsa. Well, I am a woman, and in love....
Don Lucas. The point at last.
D. Alfonsa. And with Don Pedro.
Don Lucas. All right.
D. Alfonsa. But he doesn’t love me; the treacherous wretch is courting Doña Isabel, and betraying both of us.
Don Lucas. I say, I don’t believe it.
D. Alfonsa. Well, you know, I often have fainting fits.
Don Lucas. Yes!
D. Alfonsa. And do you remember that I also had one at the inn at Illescas?
Don Lucas. Well, what of that?
D. Alfonsa. You must know it was feigned.
Don Lucas. And now who’ll believe you when you really have one?
D. Alfonsa. I did it with a motive. Don Pedro, the traitor, thinking it was real, seized the opportunity to say a thousand tender things to Doña Isabel. I would have given vent to my rage, but he is so far gone, he even makes love to her before you.
Don Lucas. A pretty how-d’ye-do!
D. Alfonsa. Last—night—he—met—her—in—the—parlour—secretly.... And now you know my wrongs. Make haste and avenge both yourself and me on that treacherous Don Pedro.
Don Lucas. A pretty kettle of fish. But, devil take it, Don Luis has just been to tell me that Isabel is in love with him. Perhaps she loves them both, she seems to have a great facility that way. But if Don Pedro is her accepted lover, I’ll pay them both out! I shall have such a revenge as shall last their whole lives! To kill them would be too poor a vengeance.
D. Alfonsa. What do you mean to do?
Don Lucas. (calling). Don Pedro!
D. Alfonsa. There, h just come in.
Don Lucas. (calling). Doña Isabel!
D. Alfonsa. Here she is.
Enter Doña Isabel, Don Pedro, and Periwig.
D. Isabel. Why are you calling me?
Don Pedro. What can I do for you?
Don Lucas. Just wait for a bit. Periwig, shut that door.
Periwig. Yes, sir. (Shuts it.)
Don Lucas. Lock it.
Periwig. Certainly, sir. (Locks it.)
Don Lucas. Give me the key.
Periwig. Here it is, your honour. (Hands him the key.)
Don Lucas. (opening his bedroom door). Come out, Don Luis.
Don Luis. Here I am. (Comes out.)
D. Isabel. What are you going to do?
Don Pedro.
} What’s all this?
Don Luis.
Don Lucas. Listen, all of you. Señor Don Luis, whom you here behold, has told me he is Doña Isabel’s lover, and that he must marry her, for she gave him her word at Illescas and....
Periwig. Oh no, beg pardon, sir. I saw the gent knock at a door at Illescas and palaver with Doña Alfonsa, whom he took for the young lady. Don’t you remember, sir, you heard a noise, and came out with a light and your sword? Well, it was him, sir.
Don Luis. I will not deny it. You came forth, and I discreetly hid, but I thought I was speaking with Isabel, not with Alfonsa.
D. Alfonsa. Wait, it was I with whom you spoke, but I took you for Don Pedro.
Don Pedro. (aside). Blessings upon Cupid and my lucky star.
Don Lucas. Well, that’s one gallant done with. But to proceed (to Don Pedro), my sister, Doña Alfonsa, tells me treacherous and unloyal fellow, that you love Isabel.
Don Pedro. Yes, it is so. I confess I have long loved her, before you even thought of her; and who can blame my impotence to stifle a love so great that....
Don Lucas. Hold your tongue, young cousin, for by h——, but no, I won’t swear.... I must have fierce and fatal vengeance.
Don Pedro. Plunge your poniard into this my throat.
Don Lucas. No, I won’t do that; I don’t want to kill you: that’s what you’d like.
Don Pedro. Then what will you do?
Don Lucas. You shall know. You, Don Pedro, are a pauper, and but for me would have starved.
Don Pedro. It is true.
Don Lucas. Doña Isabel is a beggar. I was going to marry her for her looks only, for she hasn’t a farthing for a dowry.
Don Pedro. But she is virtuous and beautiful.
Don Lucas. Well, then, give her your hand, for this is my vengeance. You are very poor, and she is very poor; no more happiness for you. Love flies out of the window when poverty enters the door. On your wedding-day you may laugh at me, but on the morrow when breakfasting on kisses, with vows on the table for victuals, and constancy for supper, Love instead of a silk frock, and “Darling” to keep you warm, you will see who laughs longest and last.
Don Pedro. Cousin....
Don Lucas. I say, you shall marry her.
Periwig. (aside). The punishment is too severe!
Don Lucas. (joins Don Pedro’s and Doña Isabel’s hands).
Join hands, you fond and pretty fools,
By vengeance is the nuptial knot:
Too soon you’ll learn what Love is like
When there is nothing in the Pot.
“Entre Bobos anda el Juego.” Francesco Rojas de Zorrilla (fl. 1670).