The Accident of the Distinguished Stranger
(From Scene XII. of “Die Deutschen Kleinstädter.”)
(Scene in the Burgomaster’s home in a small town. News has just been received of a traveller, whose carriage has met with an accident in a quarry just outside the town. Frau Staar, the Burgomaster’s mother, is all in a flutter as to the best way of doing honour to the distinguished stranger, and has sent for all of her female relatives, to obtain their advice in this difficult question.)
Frau Staar. Frau Brendel.
FRAU BRENDEL.
Here I am, most dear Dame Cousin. I ran so, I have no breath left. I was but just drinking my seventh cup of coffee, but I jumped up and left everything, at your message.
FRAU STAAR.
Greatly obliged, most esteemed Dame Cousin. Have you heard——
FRAU BRENDEL.
I know everything! My maid had gone to market, and the butcher told her his neighbour, the linen-draper, had heard how the bailiff had said to his daughter: Mickey, he said, out in the quarry there are a couple of counts lying, who have broken their arms and legs, and will be here in a minute. The watchman will blow a horn from the turret, the children will strew flowers on their path, the magistrate in corpore will go to meet them, and the bells will be rung.
FRAU STAAR.
It is only one, Dame Cousin; only one is lying in the quarry, probably a gentleman of quality. He is to be our guest. The Minister of State has written and has asked my son. Now you can fancy, Dame Cousin, the excitement in the house. And everything is on my shoulders! Everything rests upon me!
(Enter Frau Morgenroth.)
FRAU MORGENROTH.
Your servant, most esteemed Dame Cousin. Only see how my walk has heated me. I trust I am not too late? With your permission be it said, I had scarce a thing on me, was singing my morning hymn and combing my poodle-dog. At the third stanza your maid came rushing in. My God, I thought the house was on fire! Then and there I jumped up, the poodle-dog dropped from my lap, the hymnal fell in the coals where I was warming my coffee, the coffee was spilled, and two stanzas of the hymn, “Awake, my heart, and sing!” were burned up.
FRAU STAAR.
I regret it, exceedingly, worthy Dame Cousin——
FRAU MORGENROTH.
Oh, it’s of no consequence. I know all. Out in the quarry lie three or four princes; one is dead, the other is gasping a bit now and then. The coachman has broken his neck, the horses are lying stiff and stark. I met the Herr Assistant-Bailiff Balg on the street; his cook told him; she knows it from the wife of the Lottery Inspector; her husband’s barber told her all the details.
FRAU STAAR.
Tut, tut, it is not quite so bad as all that. A short time ago a peasant came here from Kabendorf——
FRAU BRENDEL.
I know, he got a solid thaler for a tip.
FRAU MORGENROTH.
Far from it, Dame Cousin, a Louis-d’or it was.
FRAU STAAR.
He had run as fast as he could run.
FRAU BRENDEL.
They say it gave him a pain in his side.
FRAU MORGENROTH.
His nose bled too.
FRAU STAAR.
A person of quality met with an accident.
FRAU BRENDEL.
A count——
FRAU MORGENROTH.
Several princes.
FRAU STAAR.
That we do not know. He must be of noble extraction, for he does not lodge in the “Golden Cat,” but at our house, at the express desire of his Honour the Minister of State. Now, as my son, the Burgomaster and Chief Alderman, represents in his person the whole town as it were, you will, of course, understand that he must do honour to his position.
FRAU BRENDEL.
A banquet at the Town Hall——
FRAU MORGENROTH.
A dance at the archers’ guild——
FRAU STAAR.
To-morrow, as you know, is the great fête.
FRAU BRENDEL.
Oh yes, the woman that stole the cow nine years ago——
FRAU MORGENROTH.
To-morrow she goes to the pillory. I am looking forward to it with a great deal of pleasure.
FRAU BRENDEL.
I have had a brand-new robe made for the occasion.
FRAU STAAR.
There have been many arrangements made to fitly celebrate this event. But to-day the honour of the town is wholly in our hands; to-day we must show what we can do, and with the help of God we will. The tables shall bend under His blessings. My worthy cousins are herewith invited.
FRAU BRENDEL.
I look upon it as a great honour.
FRAU MORGENROTH.
Shall not fail.
FRAU STAAR.
Now, you see, I should like to make the distinguished stranger acquainted with our people of quality. So I have sent for you to ask your advice as to the persons to be invited.
FRAU BRENDEL (meditating).
Ah, well, I think——
FRAU MORGENROTH.
You might perhaps——
FRAU BRENDEL.
Invite the Herr Convoy-and-Land-Excise-Commissary Kropt——
FRAU STAAR.
No, Dame Cousin, he gave a banquet the other day on his mother’s birthday, and did not ask us.
FRAU BRENDEL.
Ah, indeed!
FRAU MORGENROTH.
Perhaps the Herr Board-of-Revenue-Supernumerary-Secretary Wittmann?
FRAU BRENDEL.
No, Dame Cousin; my husband, the late Herr Brendel, had a law-suit with him about his drains.
FRAU MORGENROTH.
That alters the matter.
FRAU STAAR.
I thought of the Herr Post-Luggage-Inspector-General Holbein?
FRAU MORGENROTH.
For heaven’s sake, Dame Cousin! he has a most insufferable wife! There’s hardly a Sunday passes but she has a new dress, and the way she goes rustling past my pew——
FRAU BRENDEL.
She carries her head higher than need be——
FRAU MORGENROTH.
And we all remember her so well——
FRAU BRENDEL.
Yes, when she wore a grey spencer with a green apron.
FRAU MORGENROTH.
There are strange rumours where she takes it from.
FRAU BRENDEL.
No, I would rather suggest the Herr County-Tavern-Harvest-and-Quarter-Tax-and-Impost-Controller Kunkel.
FRAU STAAR.
Don’t mention him, worthy Cousin; he is a rude fellow, who has no manners! Would you believe it, he did not so much as call upon us in a decent and proper manner, the pert addle-head! He left his card, fancy! One might sooner ask the Herr Penal-Raft-Commander Weidenbaum.
FRAU BRENDEL.
No, Dame Cousin, for heaven’s sake, no! You remember how the wicked fellow was seen to talk to my brother-in-law’s step-daughter three times, and how consequently he intended to marry her? Now he holds himself aloof, and has made the poor girl the talk of the town.
FRAU STAAR.
Goodness me, is there any one we can ask then?
FRAU MORGENROTH.
There comes Cousin Sperling.
(Enter Sperling, with a large bouquet.)
SPERLING.
Frau Under-Tax-Receiver, Frau Chief-Raft-and-Fishery Master, Frau Town-Excise-Treasury-Secretary, your humble servant! I was in my garden—the Herr Vice-Church-Superintendent sent for me—I ran like a sunbeam! Scarce did I take the time to cull these children of the spring.
THE THREE LADIES.
Do you know already?
SPERLING.
I know all. A celebrated professor—carriage smashed up—nose ditto—letter of recommendation from the Minister of State.
FRAU STAAR.
A professor, you say?
FRAU BRENDEL.
Only a professor?
FRAU MORGENROTH.
Oh, my delicious coffee that was spilled in the fire!
FRAU STAAR.
Never believe it, Dame Cousin. All my life I have heard that ministers take little interest in professors. No, no, there is some misunderstanding.
SPERLING.
Nay, but I will stand up for my opinion that the man who has had his nose smashed is a learned professor, on his way from Egypt or Weimar, where he has either been measuring the pillar of Pompey, or else seen Wieland put his head out of the window. In short, there is no time to be lost. Here are the flowers. Now get me some children. Children I must have! Then he may come and see what the town of Krähwinkel can do!
FRAU STAAR.
Gently, gently; they shall be here at once.
(Exit.)
(SPERLING turns aside and mutely practises the pantomimes of reception.)
FRAU MORGENROTH.
Have you noticed, worthy cousin, what ridiculous airs the old lady is putting on?
FRAU BRENDEL.
Yes, indeed, Dame Cousin; she puffs herself up like dough in the oven.
FRAU MORGENROTH.
Goodness me! Her husband was only Under-Tax-Receiver.
FRAU BRENDEL.
When he died he left a debt to the Treasury.
FRAU MORGENROTH.
Dear me, and I wonder what the banquet will be like? Do you remember that joint eight weeks ago? It was horribly burned.
FRAU BRENDEL.
And how she looks! what will she put on?
FRAU MORGENROTH.
Not much choice. She has but three gowns.
FRAU BRENDEL.
To be sure, the brown one——
FRAU MORGENROTH.
And the white one——
FRAU BRENDEL.
And her stuff gown.
FRAU MORGENROTH.
She had that made for the first christening at the burgomaster’s.
FRAU BRENDEL.
Begging your pardon, Dame Cousin, it was made when the Vice-Church-Superintendent married his second wife.
FRAU MORGENROTH.
Who was another such fool.
FRAU BRENDEL.
You’re right there, quite right there.
(Enter Frau Staar with two children, the latter eating enormous slices of bread and butter.)
There are the children.
SPERLING.
Come along then!
FRAU STAAR.
Drop a curtsey to your dear Dame Cousin first, there’s a good child! Now shake hands; that’s right!
FRAU BRENDEL (wiping the butter from her fingers).
Enchanting little creatures. God bless them!
FRAU MORGENROTH.
The very pictures of our dear Dame Cousin.
FRAU BRENDEL.
I trust they have had the pox!
FRAU STAAR.
Not yet. My son wished to have them inoculated, but I will never give my consent. I would not forestall the Almighty.
SPERLING.
Children, lay your bread and butter aside.
CHILDREN.
No, no.
SPERLING.
Well, then, take the flowers in the other hand.
(Enter Herr Staar and the Burgomaster.)
HERR STAAR (hastily).
They are just driving in through the gate. The street is full of boys. They are running along by the carriage, and yelling at the top of their voice.
BURGOMASTER (hastily).
He comes, he comes! The watchman is standing ready with his trumpet.
SPERLING.
Goodness gracious! The children are so awkward——
HERR STAAR.
All you have to do is to strew your flowers and fling them in his face.
(The blast of a trumpet very much out of tune.)
BURGOMASTER.
Quick, quick! All go to meet him!
HERR STAAR.
The children lead the way!
SPERLING (snatches the bread and butter out of their hands and throws it on the table).
Leave your bread and butter here.
HERR STAAR (urging the children toward the door).
Quick, quick!
CHILDREN (crying).
I want my bread and butter! My bread and butter!
BURGOMASTER (following them).
Will you hold your tongues?
FRAU STAAR.
Frau Chief-Raft-and-Fishery-Master, you will have the kindness to precede me.
FRAU BRENDEL.
Never, Frau Town-Excise-Treasury-Secretary. I most urgently beg you——
FRAU MORGENROTH.
Frau Under-Tax-Receiver, the honour is due to you.
FRAU STAAR.
The heavens preserve me! I am at home in this house.
FRAU BRENDEL.
I know my place——
FRAU MORGENROTH.
I will not stir a step.
(The three begin to bow and curtsey, and all talk at the same time.)
(THE CURTAIN DROPS.)
August von Kotzebue (1761-1819).