Chapter XII Mr. Brady Prophesies
The Methodists had actually made a break in the settlement. Dancing had not availed to keep them out. It was no longer a question of getting “shet” of Wheeler and his Methodist wife, thus extirpating the contagion. There would now be a “class” formed, a leader appointed, a regular preaching place established; Hissawachee would become part of that great wheel called a circuit; there would be revivals and conversions; the peace of the settlement would be destroyed. For now one might never again dance at a “hoe-down,” drink whiskey at a shuckin’, or race “hosses” on Sunday, without a lecture from somebody. It might be your own wife, too. Once let the Methodists in, and there was no knowin’.
Lumsden, for his part, saw more serious consequences. By his opposition, he had unfortunately spoken for the enmity of the Methodists in advance. The preacher had openly defied him. Kike would join the class, and the Methodists would naturally resist his ascendancy. No concession on his part short of absolute surrender would avail. He resolved therefore that the Methodists should find out “who they were fighting.”
Brady was pleased. Gossips are always delighted to have something happen out of the usual course. It gives them a theme, something to exercise their wits upon. Let us not be too hard upon gossip. It is one form of communicative intellectual activity. Brady, under different conditions, might have been a journalist, writing relishful leaders on “topics of the time.” For what is journalism but elevated and organized gossip? The greatest benefactor of an out-of-the-way neighborhood is the man or woman with a talent for good-natured gossip. Such an one averts absolute mental stagnation, diffuses intelligence, and keeps alive a healthful public opinion on local questions.
Brady wanted to taste some of Mrs. Goodwin’s “ry-al hoe-cake.” That was the reason he assigned for his visit on the evening after the meeting. He was always hungry for hoe-cake when anything had happened about which he wanted to talk. But on this evening Job Goodwin, got the lead in conversation at first.
“Mr. Brady,” said he, “what’s going to happen to us all? These Methodis’ sets people crazy with the jerks, I’ve hearn tell. Hey? I hear dreadful things about ’em. Oh dear, it seems like as if everything come upon folks at once. Hey? The fever’s spreadin’ at Chilicothe, they tell me. And then, if we should git into a war with England, you know, and the Indians should come and skelp us, they’d be precious few left, betwixt them that went crazy and them that got skelped. Precious few, I tell you. Hey?”
Here Mr. Goodwin knocked the ashes out of his pipe and laid it away, and punched the fire meditatively, endeavoring to discover in his imagination some new and darker pigment for his picture of the future. But failing to think of anything more lugubrious than Methodists, Indians, and fever, he set the tongs in the corner, heaved a sigh of discouragement, and looked at Brady inquiringly.
“Ye’re loike the hootin’ owl, Misther Goodwin; it’s the black side ye’re afther lookin’ at all the toime. Where’s Moirton? He aint been to school yet since this quarter took up.”
“Morton? He’s got to stay out, I expect. My rheumatiz is mighty bad, and I’m powerful weak. I don’t think craps’ll be good next year, and I expect we’ll have a hard row to hoe, partic’lar if we all have the fever, and the Methodis’ keep up their excitement and driving people crazy with jerks, and war breaks out with England, and the Indians come on us. But here’s Mort now.”
“Ha! Moirton, and ye wasn’t at matin’ last noight? Ye heerd fwat a toime we had. Most iverybody got struck harmless, excipt mesilf and a few other hardened sinners. Ye heerd about Koike? I reckon the Captain’s good and glad he’s got the blissin’; it’s a warrantee on the Captain’s skull, maybe. Fwat would ye do for a crony now, Moirton, if Koike come to be a praycher?”
“He aint such a fool, I guess,” said Morton, with whom Kike’s “getting religion” was an unpleasant topic. “It’ll all wear off with Kike soon enough.”
“Don’t be too shore, Moirton. Things wear off with you, sometoimes. Ye swear ye’ll niver swear no more, and ye’re willin’ to bet that ye’ll niver bet agin, and ye’re always a-talkin’ about a brave loife; but the flesh is ferninst ye. When Koike’s bad, he’s bad all over; lickin’ won’t take it out of him; I’ve throid it mesilf. Now he’s got good, the divil’ll have as hard a toime makin’ him bad as I had makin’ him good. I’m roight glad it’s the divil now, and not his school-masther, as has got to throy to handle the lad. Got ivery lisson to-day, and didn’t break a single rule of the school! What do you say to that, Moirton? The divil’s got his hands full thair. Hey, Moirton?”
“Yes, but he’ll never be a preacher. He wants to get rich just to spite the Captain.”
“But the spoite’s clean gone with the rist, Moirton. And he’ll be a praycher yit. Didn’t he give me a talkin’ to this mornin’, at breakfast? Think of the impudent little scoundrel a-venturin’ to tell his ould masther that he ought to repint of his sins! He talked to his mother, too, till she croid. He’ll make her belave she is a great sinner whin she aint wicked a bit, excipt in her grammar, which couldn’t be worse. I’ve talked to her about that mesilf. Now, Moirton, I’ll tell ye the symptoms of a praycher among the Mithodists. Those that take it aisy, and don’t bother a body, you needn’t be afeard of. But those that git it bad, and are throublesome, and middlesome, and aggravatin’, ten to one’ll turn out praychers. The lad that’ll tackle his masther and his mother at breakfast the very mornin’ afther he’s got the blissin, while he’s yit a babe, so to spake, and prayche to ’em single-handed, two to one, is a-takin’ the short cut acrost the faild to be a praycher of the worst sort; one of the kind that’s as thorny as a honey-locust.”
“Well, why can’t they be peaceable, and let other people alone? That meddling is just what I don’t like,” growled Morton.
“Bedad, Moirton, that’s jist fwat Ahab and Jizebel thought about ould Elijy! We don’t any of us loike to have our wickedness or laziness middled with. ’Twas middlin’, sure, that the Pharisays objicted to; and if the blissed Jaysus hadn’t been so throublesome, he wouldn’t niver a been crucified.”
“Why, Brady, you’ll be a Methodist yourself,” said Mr. Job Goodwin.
“Niver a bit of it, Mr. Goodwin. I’m rale lazy. This lookin’ at the state of me moind’s insoides, and this chasin’ afther me sins up hill and down dale all the toime, would niver agray with me frail constitootion. This havin’ me spiritooal pulse examined ivery wake in class-matin’, and this watchin’ and prayin’, aren’t for sich oidlers as me. I’m too good-natered to trate mesilf that way, sure. Didn’t you iver notice that the highest vartoos ain’t possible to a rale good-nater’d man?”
Here Mrs. Goodwin looked at the cake on the hoe in front of the fire, and found it well browned. Supper was ready, and the conversation drifted to Morton’s prospective arrangement with Captain Lumsden to cultivate his hill farm on the “sheers.” Morton’s father shook his head ominously. Didn’t believe the Captain was in ‘arnest. Ef he was, Mort mout git the fever in the winter, or die, or be laid up. ‘Twouldn’t do to depend on no sech promises, no way.
But, notwithstanding his father’s croaking, Morton did hold to the Captain’s promise, and to the hope of Patty. To the Captain’s plans for mobbing Wheeler he offered a strong resistance. But he was ready enough to engage in making sport of the despised religionists, and even organized a party to interrupt Magruder with tin horns when he should preach again. But all this time Morton was uneasy in himself. What had become of his dreams of being a hero? Here was Kike bearing all manner of persecution with patience, devoting himself to the welfare of others, while all his own purposes of noble and knightly living were hopelessly sunk in a morass of adverse circumstances. One of Morton’s temperament must either grow better or worse, and, chafing under these embarassments, he played and drank more freely than ever.