Merry Drollery, 1661: Extra Songs in Part Second. (Omitted in 1670 and 1691 Editions.)
[Part 2nd., p. 21.]
The Force of Opportunity
You gods that rule upon the Plains,
Where nothing but delight remains;
You Nymphs that haunt the Fairy Bowers,
Exceeding Flora with her flowers;
The fairest woman that earth can have
Sometimes forbidden fruit will crave,
For any woman, whatsoe’r she be,
Will yield to Opportunity.
Your Courtly Ladies that attends,
May sometimes dally with their friends;
And she that marries with a Knight
May let his Lodging for a night;
And she that’s only Worshipful
Perhaps another friend may gull:
For any woman, &c.
The Chamber-maid that’s newly married
Perhaps another man hath carried;
Your City Wives will not be alone,
Although their husbands be from home;
The fairest maid in all the town
For green will change a russet Gown;
For any woman, &c.
And she that loves a Zealous brother,
May change her Pulpit for another;
Physitians study for their skill, [p. 22.]
Whiles wives their Urinals do fill;
The Lawyers wife may take her pride
Whilst he their Causes doth decide;
For every woman, &c.
The Country maid, that milks the Cow,
And takes great pains to work and do,
I’th’ fields may meet her friend or brother,
And save her soul to get another;
And she that to the Market[’]s gone
May horn her man ere she come home;
For any woman, &c.
You Goddesses and Nymphs so bright,
The greater Star, the lesser light;
To Lords, as well as mean estates,
Belongeth husbands horned baites, [? pates.]
Then give your Ladies leave to prove
The things the which your selves do love;
For any woman, what ere she be,
Will yield to Opportunity.
[p. 22.]
Lusty Tobacco
You that in love do mean to sport,
Tobacco, Tobacco,
First take a wench of a meaner sort,
Tobacco, Tobacco,
But let her have a comely grace,
Like one that came from Venus race,
Then take occasion, time, and place,
To give her some Tobacco.
You —— gamesters must be bound, [p. 23.]
Tobacco, Tobacco,
Their bullets must be plump and round,
Tobacco, Tobacco,
Your Stopper must be stiff and strong,
Your Pipe it must be large and long,
Or else she’ll say you do her wrong,
She’ll scorn your weak Tobacco.
And if that you do please her well,
Tobacco, Tobacco,
All others then she will expell,
Tobacco, Tobacco.
She will be ready at your call
To take Tobacco, Pipe, and all,
So willing she will be to fall
To take your strong Tobacco.
And when you have her favour won,
Tobacco, Tobacco,
You must hold out as you begun,
Tobacco, Tobacco,
Or else she’ll quickly change her mind,
And seek some other Friend to find,
That better may content her mind
In giving her Tobacco.
And if you do not do her right,
Tobacco, Tobacco,
She’ll take a course to burn your Pipe,
Tobacco, Tobacco,
And if you ask what she doth mean,
She’ll say she doth’t to make it clean,
Then take you heed of such a Quean
For spoyling your Tobacco,
As I my self dare boldly speak, [p. 24.]
Tobacco, Tobacco,
Which makes my very heart to break,
Tobacco, Tobacco,
For she that I take for my friend,
Hath my Tobacco quite consum’d,
She hath spoil’d my Pipe, and there’s an end
Of all my good Tobacco.
[p. 29.]
On the Goldsmiths-Committee
Come Drawer, some wine,
Or we’ll pull down the Sign,
For we are all jovial Compounders:
We’ll make the house ring,
With healths to the KING,
And confusion light on his Confounders.
Since Goldsmiths Committee
Affords us no pitty,
Our sorrows in wine we will steep ’um,
They force us to take
Two Oaths, but we’ll make
A third, that we ne’r mean to keep ’um.
And next, who e’r sees,
We drink on our knees,
To the King, may he thirst that repines.
A fig for those traitors
That look to our waters,
They have nothing to do with our wines.
And next here’s a Cup
To the Queen, fill it up,
Were it poyson, we would make an end o’nt:
May Charles and She meet,
And tread under feet
Both Presbyter and Independent.
To the Prince, and all others,
His Sisters and Brothers,
As low in condition as high born,
We’ll drink this, and pray, [p. 30.]
That shortly they may,
See all them that wrongs them at Tyburn.
And next here’s three bowls
To all gallant souls,
That for the King did, and will venter,
May they flourish when those
That are his, and their foes
Are hang’d and ram’d down to the Center.
And next let a Glass
To our undoers pass,
Attended with two or three curses:
May plagues sent from hell
Stuff their bodies as well,
As the Cavaliers Coyn doth their purses.
May the Cannibals of Pym
Eat them up limb by limb,
Or a hot Fever scorch ’um to embers,
Pox keep ’um in bed
Untill they are dead,
And repent for the loss of their Members.
And may they be found
In all to abound,
Both with heaven and the countries anger,
May they never want Fractions,
Doubts, Fears, and Distractions,
Till the Gallow-tree choaks them from danger.
[p. 31.]
Insatiate Desire
O That I could by any Chymick Art
To sperme, convert my spirit and my heart,
That at one thrust I might my soul translate,
And in her w... my self degenerate,
There steep’d in lust nine months I would remain,
Then boldly —— my passage back again.
[p. 32.]
The Horn Exalted
Listen Lordings to my Story,
I will sing of Cuckolds glory,
And thereat let none be vext,
None doth know whose turn is next;
And seeing it is in most mens scorn,
’Tis Charity to advance the Horn.
Diana was a Virgin pure,
Amongst the rest chaste and demure;
Yet you know well, I am sure,
What Acteon did endure,
If men have Horns for [such] as she, [p. 33.]
I pray thee tell me what are we?
Let thy friend enjoy his rest,
What though he wear Acteons creast?
Malice nor Venome at him spit,
He wears but what the gods thinks fit;
Confess he is by times Recorder
Knight of great Diana’s Order.
Luna was no venial sinner,
Yet she hath a man within her,
And to cut off Cuckolds scorns,
She decks her head with Silver horns
And if the moon in heaven[’]s thus drest,
The men on earth like it are blest.
[A Droll of a Louse (p. 33.), seven verses of seven lines each, beginning “Discoveries of late have been made by adventures,” is reserved. Vide ante p. 230.]
[p. 38.]
A Letany
From Essex Anabaptist Laws,
And from Norfolk Plough-tail Laws, [? taws]
From Abigails pure tender Zeal,
Whiter than a Brownists veal,
From a Serjeants Temple pickle,
And the Brethrens Conventicle,
From roguish meetings, or Cutpurse hall,
And New-England, worst of all,
Libera nos Domine.
From the cry of Ludgate debters, [p. 39.]
And the noise of Prisoners Fetters,
From groans of them that have the Pox,
And coyl of Beggars in the Stocks,
From roar o’ th’ Bridge, and Bedlam prate,
And with Wives met at Billingsgate,
From scritch-owles, and dogs night-howling,
From Sailers cry at their main bowling,
Libera nos Domine.
From Frank Wilsons trick of mopping,
And her ulcered h... with popping,
From Knights o’ th’ post, and from decoys,
From Whores, Bawds, and roaring Boys,
From a Bulker in the dark,
And Hannah with St. Tantlins Clark,
From Biskets Bawds have rubb’d their gums,
And from purging-Comfit plums,
Libera nos Domine.
From Sue Prats Son, the fair and witty,
The Lord of Portsmouth, sweet and pretty,
From her that creeps up Holbourne hill,
And Moll that cries, God-dam-me still,
From backwards-ringing of the Bells,
From both the Counters and Bridewells,
From blind Robbin and his Bess,
And from a Purse that’s penniless,
Libera nos Domine.
From gold-finders, and night-weddings,
From Womens eyes false liquid sheddings,
From Rocks, Sands, and Cannon-shot,
And from a stinking Chamber-pot,
From a hundred years old sinner, [p. 40.]
And Duke Humphreys hungry dinner,
From stinking breath of an old Aunt[,]
From Parritors and Pursevants[,]
Libera nos Domine.
From a Dutchmans snick and sneeing,
From a nasty Irish being[,]
From a Welchmans lofty bragging,
And a Monsieur loves not drabbing,
From begging Scotchmen and their pride,
From striving ’gainst both wind and tide,
From too much strong Wine and Beer,
Enforcing us to domineer,
Libera nos Domine.
[Following the above comes a group of more than usually objectionable Songs, viz., John and Joan, beginning “If you will give ear” (p. 46); “Full forty times over I have strived to win,” same title (p. 61); The Answer to it, “He is a fond Lover that doateth on scorn” (p. 62); Love’s Tenement, “If any one do want a house” (p. 64); and A New Year’s Gift, “Fair Lady, for your New Year’s Gift” (p. 81). These are all reserved for the Chamber of Horrors. Vide ante, p. 230.]
[p. 103.]
New England Described
Among the purifidian Sect,
I mean the counterfeit Elect:
Zealous bankrupts, Punks devout,
Preachers suspended, rabble rout,
Let them sell all, and out of hand
Prepare to go to New England,
To build new Babel strong and sure,
Now call’d a Church unspotted pure.
There Milk from Springs, like Rivers, flows,
And Honey upon hawthorn grows;
Hemp, Wool, and Flax, there grows on trees,
The mould is fat, it cuts like cheese;
All fruits and herbs spring in the fields,
Tobacco it good plenty yields;
And there shall be a Church most pure,
Where you may find salvation sure.
There’s Venison of all sorts great store,
Both Stag, and buck, wild Goat, and Boar,
And all so tame, that you with ease
May take your fill, eat what you please;
There’s Beavers plenty, yea, so many,
That you may buy two skins a penny,
Above all this, a Church most pure,
Where to be saved you may be sure.
There’s flight of Fowl do cloud the skie,
Great Turkies of threescore pound weight,
As big as Estriges, there Geese, [p. 104.]
With thanks, are sold for pence a piece;
Of Duck and Mallard, Widgeon, Teale,
Twenty for two-pence make a meale;
Yea, and a Church unspotted pure,
Within whose bosome all are sure.
Loe, there in shoals all sorts of fish,
Of the salt seas, and water fresh:
Ling, Cod, Poor-John, and Haberdine,
Are taken with the Rod and Line;
A painful fisher on the shore
May take at least twenty an houre;
Besides all this a Church most pure,
Where you may live and dye secure.
There twice a year all sorts of Grain
Doth down from heaven, like hailstones, rain;
You ne’r shall need to sow nor plough,
There’s plenty of all things enough:
Wine sweet and wholsome drops from trees,
As clear as chrystal, without lees;
Yea, and a Church unspotted, pure,
From dregs of Papistry secure.
No Feasts nor festival set daies
Are here observed, the Lord be prais’d,
Though not in Churches rich and strong,
Yet where no Mass was ever Sung,
The Bulls of Bashan ne’r met there[;]
Surplice and Cope durst not appear;
Old Orders all they will abjure,
This Church hath all things new and pure.
No discipline shall there be used, [p. 105.]
The Law of Nature they have chused[;]
All that the spirit seems to move
Each man may choose and so approve,
There’s Government without command,
There’s unity without a band;
A Synagogue unspotted pure,
Where lust and pleasure dwells secure.
Loe in this Church all shall be free
To Enjoy their Christian liberty;
All things made common, void of strife,
Each man may take anothers wife,
And keep a hundred maids, if need,
To multiply, increase, and breed,
Then is not this Foundation sure,
To build a Church unspotted, pure?
The native People, though yet wild,
Are altogether kind and mild,
And apt already, by report,
To live in this religious sort;
Soon to conversion they’l be brought
When Warrens Mariery have wrought,
Who being sanctified and pure,
May by the Spirit them alure.
Let Amsterdam send forth her Brats,
Her Fugitives and Runnagates:
Let Bedlam, Newgate, and the Clink
Disgorge themselves into this sink;
Let Bridewell and the stews be kept,
And all sent thither to be swept;
So may our Church be cleans’d and pure,
Keep both it self and state secure.
[p. 106.]
The Insatiate Lover
Come hither my own sweet duck,
And sit upon my knee,
That thou and I may truck
For thy Commodity,
If thou wilt be my honey,
Then I will be thine own,
Thou shall not want for money
If thou wilt make it known;
With hey ho my honey,
My heart shall never rue,
For I have been spending money
And amongst the jovial Crew.
I prethee leave thy scorning,
Which our true love beguiles,
Thy eyes are bright as morning,
The Sun shines in thy smiles,
Thy gesture is so prudent,
Thy language is so free,
That he is the best Student
Which can study thee;
With hey ho, &c.
The Merchant would refuse
His Indies and his Gold
If he thy love might chuse,
And have thy love in hold:
Thy beauty yields more pleasure
Than rich men keep in store,
And he that hath such treasure [p. 107.]
Never can be poor;
With hey ho, &c.
The Lawyer would forsake
His wit and pleading strong:
The Ruler and Judge would take
Thy part wer’t right or wrong;
Should men thy beauty see
Amongst the learned throngs,
Thy very eyes would be
Too hard for all their tongues;
With hey ho, &c.
Thy kisses to thy friend
The Surgeons skill out-strips,
For nothing can transcend
The balsome of thy Lips,
There is such vital power
Contained in thy breath,
That at the latter hour
’Twould raise a man from death;
With hey, ho, &c.
Astronomers would not
Lye gazing in the skies
Had they thy beauty got,
No Stars shine like thine eyes:
For he that may importune
Thy love to an embrace,
Can read no better fortune
Then what is in thy face.
With hey ho, &c.
The Souldier would throw down [p. 108.]
His Pistols and Carbine,
And freely would be bound
To wear no arms but thine:
If thou wert but engaged
To meet him in the field,
Though never so much inraged
Thou couldest make him yield,
With hey ho, &c.
The seamen would reject [Seaman]
To sayl upon the Sea,
And his good ship neglect
To be aboard of thee:
When thou liest on thy pillows
He surely could not fail
To make thy brest his billows,
And to hoyst up sayl;
With hey ho, &c.
The greatest Kings alive
Would wish thou wert their own,
And every one would strive
To make thy Lap their Throne,
For thou hast all the merit
That love and liking brings;
Besides a noble spirit,
Which may conquer Kings;
With hey ho, &c.
Were Rosamond on earth
I surely would abhor her,
Though ne’r so great by birth
I should not change thee for her;
Though Kings and Queens are gallant, [p. 109.]
And bear a royal sway,
The poor man hath his Talent,
And loves as well as they,
With hey ho, &c.
Then prethee come and kiss me,
And say thou art mine own,
I vow I would not miss thee
Not for a Princes Throne;
Let love and I perswade thee
My gentle suit to hear:
If thou wilt be my Lady,
Then I will be thy dear;
With hey ho, &c.
I never will deceive thee,
But ever will be true,
Till death I shall not leave thee,
Or change thee for a new;
We’ll live as mild as may be,
If thou wilt but agree,
And get a pretty baby
With a face like thee,
With hey ho, &c.
Let these perswasions move thee
Kindly to comply,
There’s no man that can love thee
With so much zeal as I;
Do thou but yield me pleasure,
And take from me this pain,
I’ll give thee all the Treasure
Horse and man can gain;
With hey ho, &c.
I’ll fight in forty duels [p. 110.]
To obtain thy grace,
I’ll give thee precious jewels
Shall adorn thy face;
E’r thou for want of money
Be to destruction hurl’d,
For to support my honey
I’ll plunder all the world;
With hey ho, &c.
That smile doth show consenting,
Then prethee let’s be gone,
There shall be no repenting
When the deed is done;
My bloud and my affection,
My spirits strongly move,
Then let us for this action
Fly to yonder grove,
With hey ho, &c.
Let us lye down by those bushes
That are grown so high,
Where I will hide thy blushes;
Here’s no standers by
This seventh day of July,
Upon this bank we’ll lye,
Would all were, that love truly,
As close as thou and I;
With hey ho[,] my honey,
My heart shall never rue,
For I have been spending money
Amongst the jovial Crew.
[Followed, in 1661 edition by “Now that the Spring,” &c., and the three other pieces which are to be found in succession, already printed in our Merry Drollery, Compleat of 1670, 1691, pp. 296-301: The last of these being the Song, “She lay all naked in her bed.” This begins on p. 115, of Part 2nd, 1661; p. 300, 1691. In the former edition it is followed by “The Answer,” beginning “She lay up to,” &c., which, like other extremely objectionable pieces, is kept apart. Next follow, in 1661 edition, The Louse, and the Concealment.]
[p. 149.]
The Louse
If that you will hear of a Ditty
That’s framed by a six-footed Creature,
She lives both in Town and in City,
She is very loving by nature;
She’l offer her service to any,
She’l stick close but she’l prevail,
She’s entertained by too many
Till death, she no man will fail.
Fenner once in a Play did describe her,
How she had her beginning first,
How she sprung from the loyns of great Pharaoh,
And how by a King she was nurs’d:
How she fell on the Carkass of Herod,
A companion for any brave fighter,
And there’s no fault to be found with her,
But that she’s a devillish backbiter.
With Souldiers she’s often comraded
And often does them much good,
She’l save them the charge of a Surgeon
In sickness for letting them blood;
Corruption she draws like a horse-leech, [p. 150.]
Growing she’ll prove a great breeder,
At night she will creep in her cottage,
By day she’s a damnable feeder.
She’l venture as much in a battel
As any Commander may go,
But then she’l play Jack on both sides,
She cares not a fart for her Foe:
She knows that alwaies she’s shot-free,
To kill her no sword will prevaile,
But if she’s taken prisoner,
She’s prest to death by the naile.
She doth not esteem of your rich men,
But alwaies sticks close to the poor;
Nor she cares not for your clean shifters,
Nor for such as brave cloaths wear;
She loves all such as are non-suited,
Or any brave fellow that lacks;
She’s as true a friend to poor Souldiers,
As the shirt that sticks close to their backs.
She cannot abide your clean Laundress,
Nor those that do set her on work,
Her delight is all in foul linnen,
Where in narraw seams she may lurk:
From her and her breed God defend me,
For I have had their company store,
Pray take her among you[,] Gentry,
Let her trouble poor souldiers no more.
[As already mentioned, this is followed, in the 1661 Part Second, page 151, by The Concealment, beginning “I loved a maid, she loved not me,” which is the last of the songs or poems peculiar to that edition. See the end of our Supplement: so paged that it may be either omitted or included, leaving no hiatus. We add, after the Supplement, the title-page of the 1670 edition of Merry Drollery, Compleat; when reissued in 1691, the same sheets held the fresh title-page prefixed, such as we gave in second Volume. Readers now possess the entire work, all three editions, comprehended in our Reprint: which is the Fourth Edition, but the first Annotated. J. W. E.]