An Interlude of Wealth and Health Very Merry and Full of Pastime, Newly at This Time Imprinted
The Names of the Players:
Wealth
Health
Liberty
Ill-will
Shrewd Wit
Hance
Remedy
Four may easily play this Play
Extract from the Stat. Reg. 1557 [Arber I. 75]
To master John wally these bokes Called Welth and helthe / the treatise of the ffrere and the boye / stans puer ad mensam another of youghte charyte and humylyte an a b c for cheldren in englesshe with syllabes also a boke called an hundreth mery tayles.... ijs
[Wealth and Health.]
A2,r. Here entereth Wealth and Health singing together a ballat of two parts, and after speaketh Wealth.
Wealth. Why is there no courtesy now I am come?
I trow that all the people be dumb;
Or else, so God help me and halidom!
They were almost asleep.
No words I heard, nor yet no talking;
No instrument went, nor ballats singing;
What ails you all, thus to sit dreaming?
Of whom take ye care?
Of my coming ye may be glad;
Therefore, I pray you be not sad,
For all your desire shall be had:
I can amend your cheer.
By God! I think ye have forgotten me.
I am Wealth of this realm; look upon me!
For I am to every man loving and friendly:
For Wealth hath no peer.
Health. Brother Wealth! have ye not yet done?
Ye praise yourself above the moon.
Every man may perceive thereby, soon,
That you lack discretion.
Wealth. Wherefore? by God! I cannot say too much.
I am so wealthy of substance and rich;
In all the world where is one such
As I am of comparison?
Health. Wealth is good, I cannot denay;
Yet praise yourself too much ye may;
For wealth, oftentimes, doth decay:
And wealth is nothing sure.
Wealth. Wealth hath been ever in this country; A2,v.
And here I purpose still for to be;
For this is the land most meet for me,
And here I will endure.
Health. Therein ye speak full lovingly;
For, in this realm, wealth should be;
Yet, no displeasure, I pray you heartily!
But in the way of communication,
And for pastime, I would speak some ways,
Of no comparison, nor to you no dispraise—
I do not intend that manner always—
But for a recreation.
Wealth. Brother! whatsoever ye say to me
I will hear you patiently.
I am content, and I thank you heartily;
Begin, and say your pleasure.
Health. I thank you heartily; then will I
Somewhat unto my purpose apply:
Though Wealth be praised marvellously,
Yet to mine understanding
Wealth is mutable, and that in shame;
And Wealth is haughty and proud of name;
Wealth is cruel and in great blame;
For Wealth is ever wavering.
Wealth. To whom have I done any harm—can ye say?
Ye slander me now; yet I trust I may
Answer for myself in every manner way;
Ye will not deny that?
Health. God forbid but ye should do so!
And ye may do it whether I will or no.
In like wise I must answer you, also,
When ye say not true.
Though I be but to you a poor man, A3,r.
Yet Health I hight; the same I am:
That is desired universally than—
Some calls me as good as you!
Wealth. As I? marry! there, indeed, ye do compare;
Such words might bring you soon in care.
Lewd person! thou art not ware
Of what substance I am.
Health. Yes! I can tell what you are; be not displeased.
Wealth is of great substance; that cannot be denied.
Yet, show your commodities, and ye shall be answered:
I promise you wealth is fugitive.
Wealth. What sayst thou? am I a tagetive?
I was never so taken up in my life,
Nor called unsure—well! I will make no strife.
Yet, whereas thou dost say
That I should show my commodities always,
The best for myself, whereof I ask praise,
If I should stand here all my life days
Yet I could not say.
Nor half the benefits that cometh of me,
It cannot be told nor recited shortly.
Wealth is the flower of all thing earthly—
That you cannot deny.
First, God save our sovereign lady, the Queen;
With all the Council, and all that with them been.
Am not I, Wealth, with them ever at ene?
Who should be there but I?
Men of the law, and jolly rich merchants
There be, wealthy both; of goods and lands,
Without comparison, is in their hands:
I, Wealth, have all treasure.
Health. O good sir! of whom cometh all this? A3,v.
Of God only: to you no thank, I wis.
And yet man’s wealth stands not all in riches:
I dare say that boldly.
When a man hath a competent living,
With the grace of God that passeth all thing,
Love of his neighbour, and good reporting:
Then is he wealthy.
Wealth of goods is but a fame;
He is wealthy that hath a good name;
Every wise man will covet the same:
For other wealth I not rech.
If a man have never so much good name
Every wise man will covet the same;
If his dispositions be nought and wood,
Then he is but a wretch.
Wealth. Nay! thou art a wretch, and a fool unwise,
Wealth of riches thus to despise;
Dost thou not see all the world arise
By goods and substance?
He that hath plenty of silver and gold
May have all thing, whatsoever he would.
When can Wealth lack, seeing all thing is sold,
And Wealth is of assurance?
Health. I deny that; your saying is nought:
Grace, heaven, nor cunning cannot be bought
Without great pain, and good deeds wrought;
Else man cannot them have.
Wealth. Stop thereat, and hold thy peace!
May not men buy heaven with richesse,
As to build churches and make by-ways?
Such deeds man’s soul doth save.
Health. Yea! but yet ye must mark one thing, A4,r.
If these goods came with wrong-doing
Shall ye have heaven for so spending,
Or yet any meed?
Nay, nay! except that man himself do meek,
And make resistance the right honour to seek,
Else all such good deeds is not worth a leek.
Wealth! hereof take heed!
Wealth. Why thinkest thou that all men which hath wealth
Getteth their goods with bribery and stealth?
Thy report is nought; therefore, Health,
I counsel thee to say the best.
Health. So I will; but yet, I must say true.
And now a little more I will say to you:
Much sorrow and care wealth doth brew;
He is seldom in rest.
When a man is a little hite and wealthy,
And hath in his chest treasures plenty,
Then will he wrangle, and do shrewdly
By his power and might.
With his neighbours he will go to law;
And a-wreak his malice for value of straw:
Wealth is fickle and out of awe,
Wilful in wrong or right.
Wealth. Thou speakest with a slanderous tongue,
All of evil will; and yet, it is wrong:
Wealth in this realm hath been long;
Of me cometh great honour.
Because that I, Wealth, hath great port,
All the world hither doth resort;
Therefore I, Wealth, am this realm’s comfort,
And here I will endure.
Health. So I would ye should, and I shall do the same. A4,v.
Health I am called, and that is my name;
If I would not abide here I were to blame,
For here I am well cherished.
Yet say yourself now, indifferently,
And if every man do not love me,
Health, as well as Wealth? yes, verily!
Thereof I dare be reported.
Wealth. Why should they love thee—that would I know—
As well as me? I pray you, show!
I am the superior of high and low;
No man may compare with me.
Health. To show why, I will not be afraid;
For, I can bide by that I have said:
If wealthy men be very well apaid,
Or much they set you by.
But of wealth, if they have never so much—
Goods, treasure, and gold—and be called rich,
Yet, if they lack health, their pain is such
That they were better die.
A man to wear gold and be in pain,
What joy hath he? None! but would be fain
To give all his treasure for health, plain;
Or else he were very mad.
For, if a man be never so poor,
Yet if he have health, that is a treasure;
Then, for his living, he may labour,
And in his heart be glad.
Wealth. I never marked thus much, nor understood
That health was such a treasure, and to man so good;
Wherefore, I am sorry, and will change my mood:
Now, I pray you, forgive me!
Health. I will forgive, or else I were to blame; B1,r.
And I pray you to forgive me the same;
I love you heartily, and will praise your name
If it please you to keep my company.
Here entereth Liberty with a song, and after speaketh.
Liberty. Why tarry, sirs! whither are ye going?
I see well ye looked not for my coming.
Lo! out of sight, out of remembering;
Absence is cause of strangeness.
What look ye on? wherewhy are ye so strange?
From your fellow, Liberty, doth your minds change?
In your company I was wont to range;
What needs all this business?
Wealth. By Liberty, now, I do not set
Seeing that Health and I am met,
As felloweth together; no man shall let
Me for to love him best.
Lib. Let me hear what ye do say:
Then ye are about to cast me away!
How haps this? Marry! then I may
Go pick straws and take me rest.
I pray you, tell me whom I have offended;
If I have made a fau[l]t it shall be amended;
With so short warning let me not be voided:
I trow yet ye do but jest.
Health. Why do ye make this cavillation?
We intend to make no alteration;
Wealth and I have had communication:
He is my friend of old.
Lib. What was the matter? I pray you tell!
Methinks, I ought to be of counsel;
Or else, I promise you, ye do not well:
With you I should behold. B1,v.
Wealth. The matter is done; we are agreed;
To reason it more it shall not need.
O, brother Health! thou art, indeed,
More preciouser than gold.
Lib. God’s body! how cometh this gear to pass?
I am cast out at the cart’s arse;
The world is nothing as it was
For I am here refused.
Health. Why be you angry that we do agree?
Then are ye not wise; for, if ye love me,
I will love him again; so it should be;
Or else, I were misadvised.
Lib. Then of my love ye set no store;
My company, I see well, ye looked not for.
Farewell! I will get me out of the door;
Yet I am your betters, and so am I called.
Wealth. Such presumptuous words will have a fall;
Your comparison is but feeble and small:
What can ye do? nothing at all
As you have reputed!
Lib. What were ye both two, were not I?
Wretches and caitiffs! look not so high;
Think no scorn hardly,
For I may be your peer.
If Wealth have never so much substance,
Lacking Liberty and were in durance,
Within a whit—I am in assurance—
Ye would pray me come near.
If Health be never so lust and strong,
Yet, if Liberty were kept from him long,
Then sorrow and care would be his song:
It would abate your cheer. B2,r.
Fie of Wealth, which lacketh Liberty!
Fie of Health, and be in captivity!
Fie of Riches, and lack good company!
Liberty hath no peer!
Health. Will ye hear how he doth clatter?
What need ye to rehearse all this matter?
Ye know that we twain, afore any other,
Liberty must needs have still.
Liberty on us is glad to wait;
Ye stand too far in your own conceit:
I wis, Liberty, ye can make no bate
To catch us at your will!
Lib. Now, there ye lie! I can suffer no longer:
Wealth for Liberty doth labour ever;
And Health for Liberty is a great store;
Therefore, set me not so light.
Wealth. Liberty! I pray ye, reason no more!
Ye are welcome to us as ye were before;
Indeed, of Liberty it is great suitor:
Therefore welcome, by this light!
Lib. Now, I thank you both, full kindly!
Your strange words a little did grieve me;
And now, at your commandment, I am ready,
And at your own will.
Here entereth with some jest Ill-Will.
Ill-Will. Marry! I am come at the first call:
Will, your own man, have me who shall;
For I am Will, servant to you all;
Ye shall not need to send for me.
Wealth. Who is acquainted with this man?
He is very homely, and little good he can B2,v.
To come in here so boldly; then
Drive him away quickly!
Ill-W. Why, I came not till I was called.
Your own Will openly ye named;
Then I came apace, lest I should be blamed:
Therefore, I pray you, let me bide still.
[H]eal[th.] Whose will, or what will, doth he mean?
Thou art not my will, I forsake thee clean;
My will and their wills is often seen:
Our wills can none ill.
Ill-W. Alas, good masters! I can none ill.
Yet, by my troth! I am your evil will—
Your will, and your will, and your will; therefore, keep me:
I love ye, by God’s mother!
Lib. This is a strange saying unto me:
My will, your will, and his will—this cannot be;
For in our wills is great diversity;
For one is not like another.
Ill-W. Yet, by Christ! your own will I am;
The maddest will, and the merriest than.
For God’s sake! now let me be your man
Till ye have better acquaintance.
Wealth. I perceive this fellow is kind,
And oweth to us good will and mind;
Some kinds again then let him find:
Let him have some furtherance.
Ill-W. By God, sir! and I durst be so bold,
Acquaintance of this man claim I would,
And kindred, too; if the truth were told
We be of one consanguinity.
Health. How so? let me hear that, I pray thee heartily!
Ill-W. Will and Liberty is of ancestry old: B3,r.
Without Liberty, Will dare not be bold;
And where Will lacketh, Liberty is full cold;
Therefore, Will and Liberty must needs be of kin.
Lib. Indeed, as he saith, it may well be;
For Will ever longeth unto Liberty:
Therefore, good friend, welcome to me!
I pray you all be good to him. [And goeth out.
Wealth. For your sake he is welcome to us all;
Let him come to our place, and then he shall
Have succour of us and help withal:
And now we will depart.
[And Wealth and Health goeth out.
Ill-W. Will ye go hence? I thank ye, masters, with all my heart!
I will seek you out, I warrant you! fear not!
Now they be gone; I am glad, by Saint Mary!
A little while here I purpose to tarry:
How to deceive Wealth, Health, and Liberty
Now must I devise.
For I am a child that is past grace;
Ill-Will—I am called that in every place—
Doth much mischief; this is a plain case:
Virtue I do utterly despise.
But if they wist what I were,
Then of my purpose I should be never the near:
I will keep my tongue lest that I mar
My whole intent and will.
But now I marvel, by this day!
Where Shrewd Wit is gone astray;
Some crafty touch is in his way—
I hear him! peace! stand still!
[Entereth Shrewd Wit with a song.
Dieu vous garde playsaunce!
On seven or on mumchance, what yonkers dare avance B3,v.
To play a groat or twain?
Lo! here I have in store
Two or three groats, and no more;
I take great thought, therefore,
For to keep it; it is much pain.
I come now out of a place
Where is a company of small grace:
Thieves and whores that spends apace—
They were drunken all the sort.
One of their purses I did aspy
Out of his sleeve, where it did lie;
And one winked on me with his eye:
But there began the sport.
There False Falsehood, and I, Crafty Wit
Got the purse: lo! here I have it.
I came my way and let him sit,
Smoke and shitten arse together.
And if that I had Ill-Will here,
With this money we would make good cheer.
Gentle brother Will! I pray thee, appear!
For thou art in some corner.
Ill-W. [from without.] I would come in, but I am afeard
Lest that I be taken by the beard
With some catchpoll; I have heard
How thou hast stolen a purse.
Wit. Thou whoreson! art thou mad? come in, I say!
[Ill-Will comes in.
This is not the first hazard that I have scaped;
If I make an hand to deck myself gay,
What am I the worse?
Ill-W. From thy company I cannot abide;
I must needs hold upon thy side:
Ill-Will and Shrewd Wit, who can hide? B4,r.
For they will be together.
Wit. Now welcome, Will! and what cheer?
By God! I thought for thee a thousand year.
Peace! for God’s body! who cometh there?
Hance Beerpot, a scon router!
[Entereth Hance with a Dutch song.
[Hance.] Gut, mynen scone rutters, by the moder Got!
Ic heist nowne schon, for stave ye nete
De qusteke man, iche bie do do?
Van the groate bumbarde well ic wete
Dartyck dowsant van enheb it mete
Ic best de manikin van de keining dangliter
De grot keyser kind ic bene his kusketer.
Ill-W. Hear ye not drunken Hance, how he begins to prate?
The malapert Fleming is a little too checkmate.
Wit. Let the knave alone! for his name is War:
Such drunken Flemings your company will mar.
Hance. Ic best nen einond; ic best in soche;
Ye fecte nete vell; ic forstave ye in doche.
Ill-W. Com’st here leyt with your gound? stand near!
It becomes you better to handle a pot of beer.
Hance. Dat maght ic veil dan, ic can skynke frelyck;
Tab bers frew; ic bringes brore, begotts nemerick!
Wit. The whoreson knave, by the mass! is drunk
A winking, for deep his eyen be clean sunk.
Hance. Ic forave ye vell ye seg dac ic slepe
Nenike, nenike, ic compta hore for an audor cepe.
Ill-W. Well coppin, I pray thee, heartily tell us true
Wherefore comest thou hither for anything to sue?
Hance. Ye icke feger en bumbardere van de koyning wei it be
Heb twe skelling de dagh ic con scote de culveryn.
Wit. Nay! ye shall walk, a Fleming knave! will ye not see B4,v.
We have English gunners enow? there is no room empty.
Hance. Ic best en bomberde mot ye to me spreken
What segge ye? bones! it sal ye yode staen.
Ill-W. We speak not to thee; thou art a scon man,
But go thy way! they be not here that promote thee can.
Hance. Cant ye me a de house dragen van de grot here?
Wit. Hance! ye must go to the court, and for Wealth inquire.
Hance. What segte ye, Wealth? nenyke he is net hore;
Wealth best in Flanders; ic myself brought him dore.
Ill-W. Beshrew your whoreson Fleming’s heart, therefore!
Indeed, as he saith, by war in Flanders there is wealth.
Hance. Segt ye dat brower? by the moder Got dan!
Gut naught ic mot watt, to sent Cafrin, to mi lamnan store.
[And goeth out.
Ill-W. Is he gone? farewell, Hanijkin Bowse!
I pray God give him a hounded drouse;
For I trow a knave brought him to house.
But now, Brother Wit!
We must devose how that we may
Be in service with Wealth alway;
Let me hear what thou canst do, or say,
To help for to contrive it.
Wit. For thy pleasure that I shall.
This will I do first of all:
Flatter and lie, and evermore call
Them my good masters still.
Then with swearing, lying, and polling,
Bribery, theft, and privy picking,
Thus I, Shrewd Wit, will ever be doing,
I warrant thee, Ill-Will!
Ill-W. I can thee thank; this is well devised;
And I, Ill-Will, would have every man despised.
But now, another thing must be contrived, C1,r.
Or else all will be nought.
There is one they call Good Remedy
In this realm; he hath great authority;
He is a noble man, and much worthy:
Many things he hath wrought.
He is called lust, discreet, and indifferent,
Willing to fulfil his sovereign’s commandment;
He is not ’fraid to do right punishment;
Therefore of him I am afraid!
Wit. So am I, too; this maketh me very sad.
Yet, oftentimes, I have been hard bestrad;
Now that I am warned of him I am very glad:
S[ome crafty wile] for him [shall ye] had.
Ill-W. Peace! no mo words; but mum!
Methink I hear mast Wealth come.
Kneel down and say such devout orison
That they may hear us pray.
Now, Jesu save Wealth, Health, and Liberty!
[Liberty and Health returneth back with Wealth.
Wealth. Sirs! you will have both God’s blessing;
So are ye worth for your praying;
Ye are well disposed, and of good living—
I will love you the better alway.
Ill-W. Sir! this do we use every day;
For Wealth, Health, and Liberty to pray.
This same is my brother to you I [say]:
He is an hard honest man!
Wit. Forsooth, master! I am his brother;
To be your servant was my coming hither;
As long as we could be together
Ye shall not perish than.
Health. To have you both to service I am content. C1,v.
How say you, Liberty? will you thereto consent?
Will and Wit God hath us lent:
We may be glad of them.
Lib. If we should refuse Will and Wit
We were to blame; for they be fit.
Therefore, by my will they shall not flit:
They be welcome to me.
Ill-W. God thank you, masters, all three!
Ye shall find us poor, but true we cannot be—
My tongue stumbles, I cry you mercy!—
We will be true, I should say.
Wealth. Sirs, go your way home, unto one place!
And we will hie us after a-pace;
And when we come, we shall set you in case
To have a living alway.
Health. Then look ye do both truly and just;
For we must put you in great trust;
All our household guide ye must:
Behave you[r]self well.
Wit. Masters, fear not! for I have wit enough
To beguile myself, and to beguile you;
I have beguiled many one, I may say to you:
I pray you keep that in counsel.
Lib. Beware of that! what doth he say?
Beguile us all? yet I charge thee, Nay!
Ye shall not beguile us: if I may,
I will beware betime.
Ill-W. Sir, be not angry! I you pray;
The fool wotteth not he doth say;
He meaneth that he will be profitable alway,
And save you many things.
Health. What he meaneth I cannot tell, C2,r.
But his saying is not well.
Depart hence, sirs! by my counsel,
And tarry us at our lodging.
Wit. Now and it please ye, will ye hear any singing?
Therein, I tell you, I am somewhat conning;
Ye shall hear and ye list.
Lib. Sir! I pray you sing and ye can.
Ill-W. Now will I begin like a lusty blood than.
[They sing and go out.
[Health.] Sirs! now go your way, of you I am glad
As of any servants that ever I had;
For these can do both good and bad:
We must needs have such men.
What were we if we lacked Will?
And without Wit we should live ill;
Therefore, Will and Wit I will keep still:
I promise you I love them.
[Here cometh Remedy in and to him saith—
Wealth. Sir! your mastership is heartily welcome;
Take your place here above, as it is reason.
Health. I pray you pardon us, we know not what ye be;
Ye seem a man of honour and of great authority.
Lib. Sir! to know wherefore ye come we are desirous.
Remedy. I am he that ought for to be well known
Of you three specially; and of duty
Great pain and business, as for mine own,
For you I have taken because I love you heartily;
To maintain you is all my desire and faculty;
Yet hard it is to do, the people be so variable;
And many be so wilful: they will not be reformable.
Wealth. Sir! I pray you pardon us of our ignorance now;
I see well ye know us better than we do you.
Rem. I pardon you for I do know you well, both; C2,v.
Wealth and Health is your right names:
The which England to forbear were very loth.
For by Wealth and Health cometh great fames;
Many other realms, for our great wealth, shames
That they dare not presume, nor they dare not be bold
To strive again England, or any right withhold.
Health. Sir! ye be welcome; I beseech you show us your name.
Rem. Good Remedy, forsooth! I am the same.
Lib. If I durst be so bold I would pray you heartily
To show us a part of your great authority.
Rem. My authority is given to me, most special,
To maintain you three in this realm to be:
What mine intent is I will tell, but not all,
For that were too long to rehearse, of a surety;
And I desire you all for to be loving to me,
For your own ease, come wealth and profit.
Wealth. Good Remedy! then we must desire your aiding;
For by Good Remedy cometh all our preferring.
Rem. All that I do intend, if ye will thereto agree,
And to be reformable for your own ease,
It is not the thing that lieth only in me.
But my good will, therefore, I will not cease,
To have your love and favour; and thereby to please
All the world over, and to promote this realm;
That you three may prosper—ye perceive what I mean?
The chief part of all wealth lieth in great estates:
Their substance and lands is right commendable.
Prelates of the church is wealthy of riches;
Merchants hath merchandise and goods incomparable,
Men of law and franklins is wealthy, which is laudable:
Thus wealth of riches is divided diverse ways; C3,r.
And to these many charges come now-a-days.
Health. My heart rejoiceth to hear your good reporting;
Much are we bound to God which provideth all thing.
Rem. Forsooth! here is not half that I could rehearse
The benefits of God that He showeth to you, Wealth.
Consider Englishmen, how valiant they be and fierce;
Of none nations none such when they have their health;
No land can do us harm but with falsehood or stealth.
Remember what number of men, or artillery, and good ordinance;
Specially the grace of God which is our chief furtherance.
If there be any that will grudge, surmise, or do
Again Wealth, Health, and Liberty, then must I, for the same,
Show mine authority and power, for to remedy it, so
That none of you shall diminish, nor amiss be tane.
I, Good Remedy, therefore, may and will speak without blane
For the commonwealth, and health both of the soul and body:
That is my office and power; and therefore I have my authority.
Wealth. Our Lord continue ye, and we thank you heartily
Both for your good instruction, and for your kindness
That you intend so well for us, Good Remedy.
When we have need, we will desire your goodness.
Health. When we be infect in the soul or body,
Then will I seek Good Remedy for succour.
As yet, I thank God, I have no need greatly;
If I have, then will I seek to have your favour.
Lib. Sir! now we will depart hence, with your license,
For other divers business that we must have together.
Rem. Sirs! I am content; now, when ye will depart,
To God I commit you; I will not make you tarry.
But yet, I pray with all my mind and heart,
Take heed! in any wise eschew ill and shrewd company.
If a man be never so... [original is illegible] C3,v.
He shall lose his name, and to some vice they will him tempt;
Therefore beware of such people, and from them be exempt.
Health. Yes, yes, I warrant you! of such I will beware—
Farewell, Good Remedy, and well to fare!
[And goeth out.
Rem. I pray God be your speed, and preserve you from pain!
It is my mind ye should prosper; I would have it so, fain.
[Ill-Will and] Wit returneth.
Ill-W. Here is none of our acquaintance:
We have made too long tarriance—
That will ye say, perchance;
And they be gone home, come away apace.
Wit. Nay, by God! not so hasty;
A little while we will tarry.
Good even, sir, to you, marry!
Dwell ye in this place?
Rem. Nay, good fellow! I dwell not here:
Wherefore dost thou that inquire?
Holdest thou aught with any here?
Speak! be not afraid!
Ill-W. By God! I would I had your gown,
And were a mile without the town;
Thereon I would borrow a crown,
It is I that so said.
Wit. How, lookest thou on him half a-scorn?
I promise you he is a scant gentleman born:
What sayest thou in his face?
Rem. For somewhat in his face I look;
Indeed, his mastership stands a-crook:
For false shrews both of you I took,
And children that be past grace.
Ill-W. I will swear for him, as for these years twenty,
That he hath been ever as true as I;
Yet sometime he will steal and make a lie. C4,r.
He is of my alliance.
Rem. In good faith, the same think I,
That ye be both like, full unthrifty.
Sirs! how do ye live? show me quickly,
Or I shall put you in durance.
Wit. How live we? marry, our meat!
Comest thou hither for to threat?
So lordly sir Wittam doth speak!
From whence doth he come—can ye show?
Ill-W. What dost thou ail? Canst thou tell?
Hast thou anything with us to mell?
By the mass! thy hands doth tickle—
Thou shalt bear me a blow.
Rem. You false thieves! I know ye well:
I shall let your purpose every deal,
Ill-Will and Shrewd Wit, the devil of hell
Take ye both, for me!
Wit. Marry, thou liest! our names be not so:
Call us but Wit and Will—add no more thereto.
If thou dost, thou were as good know
We shall handle you shrewdly.
Rem. Sirs, farewell! here I will no longer abide:
For you both, shortly, I will provide
That all your false craft shall be outtried,
And your subtilty known. [And goeth out.
Wit. To go so soon, the whoreson was wise;
Therefore some now I must devise
That each man may Wealth, Health, and Liberty despise;
Or else he will mar all our matter.
Brother wat! let me alone:
When they come you shall see me anon;
Complain of him unto them, each one, C4,v.
And put him out of favour.
Ill-W. Peace! no mo words, for they come yonder.
[Wealth, Health, and Liberty cometh in.]
Wealth. Sirs! I am glad that you be here.
How doth all our household? with them what cheer?
Is everything in order there,
After our intent?
Ill-W. Yea, Sir! they be all merry and glad;
With revel and rout sometime they be mad—
Pipe whore, hop thief, every knave and drab
Is at our commandment.
[Health turneth him.
Health. What do ye say? then ye are to blame,
And we put you in trust for the same;
To keep such rule, it is a shame;
It is not for our honour.
Wit. By the mass! the whoreson doth lie;
There is no such rule, by God’s body!
A man may break his neck as lightly
As his fast in your kitchen or cellar, truly!
[Liberty turneth him.
Lib. With that neither I am not content;
I would there should be liberality competent;
And, with honesty, it is convenient
That our neighbour fare the better.
Ill-W. You be angry with all that we have done?
Come away, brother! let us go hence soon;
I know a new master where we shall be welcome.
God be with you, gentle master!
Wealth. Why, will ye be gone for a word?
Peradventure, we did but bord;
Methink ye should your master ford
For to speak my mind. D1,r.
Wit. Nay, nay! I can tell what was the matter:
Remedy was here, and he did flatter;
Ye trust he more than us, and better;
But, mark the end! what ye shall find.
Health. With Good Remedy we spake, indeed;
To follow his counsel we had need.
He warned us that we should take heed
Of excess and prodigality.
Wit. I marvel ye speak so of Good Remedy:
It is I that can do more than he.
Wit can make shift at necessity
When Remedy cannot be heard.
I know some that hath, this thousand year,
Sought Good Remedy, and yet never the near;
Wit can put Remedy by, yea, this is clear;
For Wit is a crafty lad.
Ill-W. And Will is an ungracious stay;
Will hath done many things men say;
And if ye let Wit and Will go his way,
Ye will repent it soon.
Lib. Why, what cause have you to go your way?
Ye shall abide with us, though you say, Nay;
I will follow Will and Wit alway;
And so I have ever done.
Wit. If I wist all my masters would so do,
Then from your service I would not go;
Speak now! whether ye will or no,
And let us know your mind.
Health. Sirs! ye be welcome to me, plain;
And for your company I am full fain;
I had liever suffer great pain
Than to leave my Wit and Will.
Ill-W. Then, let us go hence; with kindness my heart do kill. D1,v.
Health. I pray you, let us go; wherefore do we bide still?
[And goeth out. [Remedy cometh in.
Rem. As touching my first purpose, hither I am come again.
I trow ye know me; Good Remedy is my name;
That every day doth take great labour or pain
To amend all faults: I am chosen to the same.
If any man’s conscience here doth grudge or shame,
Having in himself remorse, and mends in time and space,
I am Good Remedy, and God is full of mercy and grace.
Therefore I will stand aside, and a little while remain,
Of Wealth, Health, and Liberty for to inquire
How they be ordered; and if any man complain
I will be glad to show my remedy—methink I see one appear!
[Hance cometh in.
Hance. Be Got’s drowse! ic myself bin cumpt heye scon lansman;
Ic mot in ander land lopen, all is quade dan.
Rem. Thou Fleming! from whence comest thou, and what dost thou here?
Hance. Ic myself cumt from sent Katryn’s doxe, mot ic skyne de can beer.
Rem. Get thee thither again, and tarry here no longer!
Hance. Sir! ic mot mid ye spreken; ic myself be en scomaker.
Rem. What and thou be? therewith I have nothing ado.
Hance. Ic dest al forlore; copin is dod, ic maght not do thereto.
Rem. I pray thee, go hence, for thou dost trouble me ill.
Hance. Nen ic seker, ic wil not gon, ic wold fain live hore stil.
Rem. There is too many aliants in this realm; but now I,
Good Remedy, have so provided that Englishmen shall live the better daily.
Hance. What segt ye? by Got’s drowse! dai is de quade man;
Be de moro goi, ic myself love de scone Englishman.
Rem. Fie on thee, flattering knave! fie on you aliants all, I say!
Ye can, with craft and subtle figure, Englishmen’s wealth away.
Hance. O, skon mester! ic heb hore bin this darten yeore.
Ic can skote de culverin, and ic can be de beare broer.
[A line (or lines) apparently missing here.
[Rem.] Trust see so provide that Wealth from you have I shall. D2,r.
Hance. Ic seg to you dat Wealth is lopen in an ander contry;
Wat hebegy dar brough forstan ye net, segt me.
Rem. I understand thee well; yet, thou liest, like a knave.
Wealth is here in England, and Wealth still I trust we shall have.
Hance. Ic ment no quad, ic love de English man, by min bere!
Cump by sent Katrin, and ic shal ye geven twe stope bere.
Rem. Get thee hence, drunken Fleming! thou shalt tarry no longer here.
Hance. Mot it net mare herebin woder sal ic gewest kiskin;
Ic wil to de kaizer gan, dar sall ic wal skinkin.
[And goeth.
Rem. Is he gone? I pray God the devil go with him!
Where is Wealth, Health, and Liberty? I would see them come in.
[Health cometh in with a kercher on his head.
Health. O, good Lord, help me! by your license, my Sovereign!
I am homely to come here in your presence, thus diseased.
Need constraineth me, for Remedy I would have fain;
I am infect, both body and soul, I pray you be not displeased.
Rem. Why, what ail you? show me! yet, you I do not know;
Glad I am to remedy any man that is affirmity;
I perceive by your phisn’amy that ye are very weak, feeble, and low;
Yet show me your grief, and I will help you gladly.
Health. Gracious Remedy! I thank you; yet I am half ashamed
To show you my malady and my name—I was called Health;
Therefore, I am well worthy to be punished and blamed
Because I have not followed your counsel, but all thing may be suffered save Wealth.
Rem. Are you Health? this maketh me very pensive and sad:
Yet be of good cheer, and show how you were infect;
To remedy you and succour you, I would be very glad;
For God will punish the people when they be detect.
Health. Sir! I thank God therof; for well worthy I am,
My conscience doth judge; some trouble have I must;
Amends I will make to God, and if I can.
Wit and Will hath deceived me: in them I put my trust. D2,v.
Rem. If thou have done amiss and be sorry therefore,
Then half amends is made, for that is contrition.
Let that pass! now will I axe you one thing more:
Where be Wealth and Liberty? be they of good disposition?
Health. As for Wealth [he] is fallen in decay and necessity
By waste and war, through Ill-Will and Shrewd Wit;
And Liberty is kept in durance and captivity.
God help us all, and send us good remedy for it!
Rem. For to hear this tale, it maketh my heart heavy;
Yet, be of good comfort! God is full of grace, and I am good.
Health. Sir! then I beseech you, help us in the way of charity!
Rem. I would fain, but I cannot tell which way to begin,
Except I might catch Will and Wit; then, I trow, I could
Tie them shorter; for they destroy Wealth, Health, and Liberty by sin.
If I had the thieves, punish them extremely I would.
Health. You may soon catch them if ye will stand aside;
From this place they two will not long abide.
Rem. Methinketh I hear them come; help to hold them fast.
[Ill-will turneth.
Ill-W. Come in, Wit! for here is nobody;
We may be bold, and talk largely
Our hearts to ease, and show plainly
What we have done. [Shrewd Wit comes in.
Wit. I must needs laugh, I cannot forbear
To remember War, that knave! Will ye hear?
The whoreson Fleming was beshitten for fear,
Because he should void so soon.
Ill-W. Hark! now do I marvel, by this bread!
For I ween, surely, that Health be dead!
I saw him go with a kercher on his head,
As he should go to hanging.
Wit. Hark, in thine ear!—if the whoreson hap
To complain to him that wears the red cap,
I fear then shortly he will us clap D3,r.
By the heels from our living.
Ill-W. Nay, nay! there is no doubt;
By him I have reported, all about,
That he doth not well his good name to put out:
Ill-Will cannot say well.
Rem. Friend! therein thou art the more to blame,
To slander me wrongfully and undeserved;
But, or thou depart thou shalt answer for the same.
Where is Wealth and Liberty? how hast thou them ordered?
Ill-W. Qury cisis quest is un malt ombre;
Me is un Spyanardo compoco parlavere.
Health. Thou false thief! is thine English tongue gone?
As mischievous Ill-Will and Shrewd Wit ye have destroyed many one.
Wit. Sir! hurt not me, and I will tell you truth, anon:
This same is as false a knave as ever came within Saint John’s.
Ill-W. Per amor de my as pica un poco
Eo queris andar pour lagtaunt creae so.
Rem. I cannot tell what thou dost mean, babbler!
But thou shall speak English, and confess another matter.
Health. Sir! I beseech your lordship, in the way of charity,
Let not these thieves escape your hands: they have destroyed us utterly.
Wit. Sir! believe him not! he speaks but of malice only.
We be true men; thereof we shall fetch good witness,
An honest man that shall be bound for him and me.
The law saith plain: Nulla fides contra testes.
Rem. That is truth; but who will be witness or bound for thee?
Ill-W. There is three among you in this house.
Wit. I will go to fetch them quickly.
Rem. They will come unsend for, I warrant you, if they wist.
What be their names? tell me what they be!
Ill-W. That one is John Irische and John Sholer:
But full these be honest men, all three. D3,v.
Health. Trust not their words! they will dissemble still;
They are so false and crafty, all their intent is ill.
Ill-W. Ye lie falsely! I speak but right and reason;
And by the law of arms, ye must needs be tane.
You are called Good Remedy which, at all season,
Should lean to man’s life, and maintain the same.
We be here both your prisoners, wrongfully accused by defame:
Keep one of us fast; let him lie for all;
That other for friends and witness go shall.
Wit. Sir! let him not go, and leave me behind;
He will ever be a false knave, for I know his mind.
Ill-W. Hold thy tongue, foolish knave! I do not mean so.
Rem. I hear now ye cannot agree which of you should go.
Ill-W. No, by God’s body! there shall none go but I.
Wit. Thou playest the knave! it must needs be I!
Health. Keep them safe, I pray you; for if they scape again
Many men shall repent it: it shall be to our pain.
Rem. They be here yet; to keep them fast is mine intent.
Have them away, both to prison, incontinent!
Ill-W. Lo, false knave! this is for thy crafty wit;
Now fast by the heels we are like to sit.
Wit. I am content so that I may have company;
If I should be hanged I would be hanged honest.
[And goeth out.
Rem. Go hence with them, and bring Wealth and Liberty.
Health. Come away, ye thieves! now I shall keep you surely!
[And goeth out.
Ill-W. Lock us up, and keep us as fast as ye can,
Yet Ill-Will and Shrewd Wit shall be with many a man.
Rem. I am half ashamed that long it hath been said
That noble men by such wretches hath been deceived.
They did rejoice and jest, and were very well apaid,
Trusting to scape clear and still for to have reigned.
But now, they shall not so; let them be well assured
That Ill-Will and Shrewd Wit shall have but ill rest; D4,r.
For wheresoever they be I will break their nest.
Wealth. In the honour of God we ask you forgiveness, all three;
We ought to be ashamed to look you in the face.
By our folly and negligence we have done so unwisely;
We were foully deceived; we put us to your grace:
This shall be a good warning for us a long space;
When man is well punished then he will beware;
Who that knoweth what need is, will after dread care.
Rem. I may not blame you greatly, for by mine own reason
I know Ill-Will and Shrewd Wit deceiveth great and small.
If ye can remember this, and beware another season,
This is a good example and learning to you all:
Now serve God and love Him, and for grace ever call,
And Ill-Will and Shrewd Wit from you I shall abstain:
Ye have used them too long to your damage and pain.
Health. Forsooth, sir! ye say truth; they did us great displeasure;
Full hard it is to vanquish the ungracious Ill-Will,
He is so crooked by flattery, dissimulation, and such other.
Man’s mind is so variable, and glad to report ill,
I fear many one yet would have him reign still;
For some unto their own will hath so much affection:
Yet the devil and Ill-Will is both of one complexion.
Lib. Ill-Will is nought, but worse is Shrewd Wit;
For he contriveth all subtle imagination;
It were unpossible for a man else to do it.
Shrewd Wit breweth mischief, and false conspiration;
He hath put me, Liberty, in prison and great tribulation;
If it had not been for your good remedy and furtherance,
I, and other that hath liberty, should have been in durance.
Rem. Be all of good cheer, and have no mistrust!
The end of Ill-Will and Shrewd Wit is but shame.
Though they reign awhile, wrongfully and unjust,
Yet Truth will appear, and their misdeeds blame; D4,v.
Then wrong is subdued, and good remedy tane;
Though falsehood cloak and hide his matters all,
Craft will out, and deceit will have a fall.
Whereas ye are now in distress, all three,
Near were ye brought in case like to mar;
Now, have ye no doubt! if ye will be ruled after me
I shall restore ye again as well as ever ye were.
Wealth! keep still this realm; look ye stray not far!
And Health! be of good cheer! your disease I can soon mend.
Liberty! now ye be released, do no more offend!
Wealth. Now let us all thank God, that Good Remedy hath send;
Trust to Him only for His grace and goodness.
We axe forgiveness of our trespass; I trust we will amend,
And clean forsake sin, folly, and unthriftiness.
Thus we will here conclude. Sovereign! of your graciousness,
We beseech you to remit our negligence and misbehaviour:
There we have said amiss, we commit all to your favour.
Health. And for your preservation heartily we will pray;
Your realm to increase with joy and tranquillity;
That Wealth, Health, and Liberty may continue here alway,
By the oversight and aid of him that is Good Remedy;
Which willingly doth his duty under your authority,
As part here appeareth, your purpose to maintain:
God continue his goodness, that long he may reign.
Rem. Jesu! preserve Queen Elizabeth, the noble princess worthy!
Jesu! continue her health long for to endure!
Jesu! endue her in virtue, grace, and honour!
Jesu! maintain the Lords of the Council to execute good remedy ever!
Jesu! speed and help all them God’s honour to further!
Jesu! increase the commonalty to prosper and do well!
Finis
[The printing of this play in the original is atrocious—à la Cock-Robin shop: type worn and battered; bad spelling; turned letters—b, d, f, long s, k, l—all long “stamps” used interchangeably; throughout a monument of bad Caxtonship.]