The Ventriloquial Champions
Dialogue for a Pair of Ventriloquial Champions
See Illustration.
Performer. Well, my little boys, can you talk?
Joey. Yes; I can talk.
Freddy. And I can talk, too.
Perf. Since you can talk, will you please tell me your names?
Fred. Well, my name is Freddy.
Joey. And call me Joey.
Perf. Well, Joey, how do you feel?
Joey. Well, I don’t feel very well.
Perf. Don’t feel very well?
Joey. No.
Perf. What appears to be the matter with you?
Joey. Well, I was out in the rain, and I caught cold.
Perf. Out in the rain and caught cold?
Joey. Yes.
Fred. I say, Mr. Valentine.
Perf. Yes, Freddy.
Fred. What good is the rain?
Perf. What good is the rain!
Fred. Yes.
Perf. The rain, my boy, has a tendency of bringing everything up from the ground.
Joey. Well I hope it won’t bring my old woman up.
Perf. (with surprise). What? Your old woman! You don’t mean to say you were ever married!
Joey. Yes, I was, once.
Perf. You are but a little boy. You don’t look old enough to have been ever married.
Joey. I am older than you think I am.
Perf. How old a man are you?
Joey. I am more than twenty years old.
Perf. Do you pretend to say that you were born twenty years ago?
Joey. I do.
Perf. I don’t believe it.
Joey (looks in Performer’s face). Was you there?
Perf. No.
Joey. Well, I was.
Perf. Then, if you was there, you must know all about it.
Joey. I do.
Perf. You are a pretty good speller, are you not, Joey?
Joey. Yes, and I can count, too.
Perf. You can count! I’ll just try you. What do two and two make?
Joey. Please to give me a harder one than that.
Perf. Four and four?
Joey. Eight.
Perf. Twice eight?
Joey. Sixteen.
Perf. Ten and ten?
Joey. Twenty.
Perf. Good, so far, Joey, but I shall catch you soon.
Joey. No, you won’t.
Perf. Well, we shall see. Twice eleven?
Joey. Twenty.
Perf. Wrong. Ah, Joey! I’ve caught you this time. Twice ten was twenty.
Joey. And twice eleven is twenty, too (two).
Perf. Right, Joey; you are getting smart. Can you spell milk?
Joey. You must show me how.
Perf. Will soon do that. M-i-l-k.
Joey. Milk.
Perf. No; I want you to spell it.
Joey. M-i-l-k, milk.
Perf. I will try you on another. Spell sugar.
Joey. S-e-g-a-r, segar.
Perf. That’s wrong. Not segar—sugar, I want you to spell.
Joey. That was right. S-e-g-a-r, segar.
Perf. No, no! What does my wife put in my tea in the morning?
Joey. Ah! now I know. Whisky. Is that what it spells?
Perf. (waiting a few seconds for the applause to quiet down, says). Smart again, Joey. I’ll try you yet on another. Constantinople.
Joey. Oh, Jerushua! What an hard ’un!
Perf. Well, Joey, I will help you. Now, right after me. Con.
Joey. Con.
Perf. Stan.
Joey. Stan.
Perf. Ti.
Joey. Ti.
Perf. No.
Joey. No.
Perf. Ple.
Joey. Ple.
Perf. Constantinople.
Joey. Constable.
Perf. That was wrong. Constantinople—not constable.
Joey. Well, that isn’t the way we spelt it when I went to school.
Perf. Well how did you spell it, then?
Joey. We spelt it in this way: Con, with a stan, with a t, with a ti, with a tipple, with a tople, with a Constantinople.
Perf. Good, Mr. Joey! After that we——
Fred. (interrupting). I say, Mr. Valentine?
Perf. Yes, Freddy.
Fred. Do you know that Joe went down-town and knocked down an old woman near sixty years old?
Perf. He did!
Fred. Yes, he did.
Joey. Yes, and I would have knocked her down if she had been an hundred and sixty years old.
Perf. (giving Joey a box on the ear). Now, you would do no such thing.
Joey. Yes, I would.
Perf. Now, Joey, what was your father?
Joey. Well they say that he was a good man.
Perf. I mean, what trade was he?
Joey. My father, sir, was a glazier.
Perf. A glazier?
Joey. Yes; and pray, Mr. Valentine, what was your father?
Perf. My father, sir, was a gentleman.
Joey. A gentleman?
Perf. Yes.
Joey. Then how was it, Mr. Valentine, that he did not make a gentleman of you?
Perf. Joey, you are getting a little too personal. (turns to Freddy) Now, Freddy, what were you doing over the bridge last night?
Fred. I went over to see my girl.
Perf. And did you see her?
Fred. The old people would not let me into the house.
Perf. Well, what did you do?
Fred. I stood under a tree.
Perf. What happened then?
Fred. I got wet all over.
Perf. Well, I suppose that it rained.
Fred. No, not that. Some say that it was perspiration.
Perf. And was it that?
Fred. No; I guess that it was dish-water.
Perf. Now, Freddy, supposing that a man were to dig down deep into the earth, what would he come to?
Fred. To dirt.
Perf. But supposing that he were to dig down through the earth?
Fred. He would come out of the hole.
Perf. How is your aunty?
Fred. She has the chills and shakes at four o’clock every afternoon.
Perf. She has?
Fred. Yes; and I wish that she would shake out the half-dollar she promised me.
Perf. Now, Joey and Freddy, do you see that trunk?
Joey. I do. Is any one in there?
Perf. Yes; a little girl.
Fred. Oh, do put me in there!
(Performer places them in the trunk; a hushed voice is heard from Joey complaining that Freddy will not give him any room. As the Performer opens the box, voice is suddenly increased in depth of tone; he closes it; the voices are again heard in a subdued tone, until they quiet themselves. The Performer, making a slight bow, draws the trunk off the stage.)
For full description and prices of the Ventriloquial Champions, see pages 58 and 59 of Judd’s Illustrated Catalogue, mailed by him for 15 cents. On page 78 will be found a Price List of Punch and Judy properties sold by him.