Trial Scene by the Black Judge
Lawyer. What! A black Justice to hold Court?
Judge. Yes; I sit here to-day.
Lawyer. I object to your jurisdiction.
Judge. The Court overrules your objection, and fines you ten cigars for contempt of Court. Call the docket. Is it large? Where are the officers?
Enter Court Officer.
Officer. Your Honor, there are several cases set down for trial.
Judge. Call the first that is guilty.
Lawyer. Michael Doolittle.
Officer. Michael Doolittle. (goes for him, and marches him into the pen.)
Judge. What is the charge?
Lawyer. Highway robbery.
Judge. Highway robbery! What is that?
Lawyer. Stealing from the person—taking the prosecutor’s watch—his golden time-keeper.
Judge. Prisoner, what have you to say in mitigation of the sentence of the Court, pertaining to this heinous, serious charge?
Prisoner. I was guilty, your Honor, but that ’ere man (points to the prosecutor) came alone, and placed himself in my way.
Judge. Prisoner, is that your only defence? Were you hungry—were you hard up?
Prisoner. Had not one dime to rub against another.
Judge. The decision of this honorable Court is——
Lawyer (interrupting). Your Honor, so far from being hungry, he had on him—his person—a massive silver watch and a diamond ring.
Judge. What! Prisoners wear diamond rings?
Lawyer. Just the truth, your Honor.
Judge. Prisoner, look on the Court. You, having pleaded guilty to this most heinous, serious charge, the Court decides that you be taken back to jail, the diamond ring confiscated for the Court’s own use, you to deliver up both watches to the prosecutor, and be by him sentenced to work at hard labor as many days as he may see fit. [Exit Prisoner.
Judge. Call the next case.
Lawyer. The next, your Honor, is an outfall betwixt a butcher and a baker.
Judge. A cat-fall between a butcher and a baker! How did that happen?
Lawyer. An outfall, your Honor—a misunderstanding—a fight.
Judge. Let them come into Court.
Officer (calls). Herman Kahlesole and William Paul. (he brings them in and places in pen.)
Judge. What is this grave charge all about?
Lawyer. Nothing grave, your Honor. It appears that this butcher, on leaving his store, stepped on a piece of fat, and fell with a quarter of beef. Paul, the baker, laughed at him. The butcher got angry, and so they set to punching one another’s heads.
Judge. What! Punch one another’s heads after the spill of a quartet of beef?
Lawyer. Just the history, Judge. I am instructed to recommend them to the merciful consideration of the Court.
Judge. Kahlesole, you have heard the charge against you, and the recommendation of your counsel. Are you ready to bury the hatchet?
Butcher. Vat! Mine ax? Nein, nein.
Judge. I mean to make peace and shake hands.
Butcher. Vell, vell, I will; but dot goesh against mine constitution. (they shake hands and depart.)
Judge. What is the next charge?
Lawyer. Intoxication.
Judge. Inoculation! Is that anything good to eat?
Lawyer. No, your Honor; I said intoxication—too much whisky.
Judge. Oh! I do comprehend. Call the wine-barrel in.
Officer (calls). Oscar Hubbs, this way in.
Judge. Hubbs, you were found drunk last night. What have you to say?
Hubbs. As long as the fox runs, he gets catched at last.
Judge. Does the fox ever have a ten-dollar note?
Hubbs. Sometimes; but not now.
Judge. You can go this time; but don’t get into this fox-hole again. [Exit Hubbs.
Judge. What is the next charge?
Lawyer. Bigamy.
Judge. Bigger than me! How—in bad deeds?
Lawyer (chuckling with laughter). No; bigamy—a man that has married six wives.
Judge (in astonishment). Six wives! Are any of them in Court?
Lawyer. Yes; there are four here.
Judge. So the remaining two have gotten him here to be kept out of the four’s way. I condemn the prisoner to be given up to the custody of the four, and if either is like mine at home, he will have punishment enough. Call the next case.
Officer (calls and shows into pen). Timothy Garpickle.
Judge. What is the charge?
Lawyer. Robbing hen-roosts.
Judge. Robbing her roasts! Roast what?
Lawyer. Hen-roosts—taking away the eggs and young chickens.
Judge. Prisoner, what have you got to say to the charge?
Prisoner. Guilty.
Judge. Clear him out; we’ll stand no blarney fooling here. The Court and learned counsel will take a recess for luncheon. [Exit Lawyer.
(Voices are now heard from without. Two men, with sticks, enter, and demand an interview with the Judge. The Officer attempts to disarm them of their weapons. A lively fight ensues, during which the stage is cleared of its Lawyers’ table, Prisoners’ pen and Judge’s box. The fight continuing, the Judge and Court Officer at last succeed in causing the two pugilists to beat a hasty retreat.)
The above Drama has been arranged for acting on the Punch and Judy stage. For the parlor acting Drama, which is on a more extended scale, send 15 cents to the publisher, for a copy of the “Dutch Justice.”