The Customs, Manners, Dress, and Diversions of the Cacklogallinians
THE Cacklogallinians value themselves on being a polite Nation; and indeed those amongst them who have travell’d, are very complaisant, full of their Professions of Friendship, and Offers of Service, tho’ it’s the first time they ever set Eyes on the Party to whom they make them; but if he takes this for any more than the Effects of good Breeding, and reminds a Courtier of his Promise, he is look’d upon as one who wants Education, and treated as a Peasant.
They are not at all sociable, tho’ they frequently visit each other, which is with much Ceremony amongst the better Sort; for he who makes the Visit, sends before him a Servant to give Notice, that he intends to do himself the Honour to kiss the Spur of the Master of the House. If he is, or will be at home, Answer is made, that he returns Thanks for the Honour intended him, which he will expect with Impatience. When the Visiter arrives, Notice is given to the Family by one of his Servants, who strikes a brass Pan (hung at the Doors of all Persons of Distinction) so long, and with such Violence, that were it in England, he’d be indicted for a common Disturber. After this Peal, the Door is opened, and the Visiter received according to his Quality, either at the Street Door, Parlour Door, or in the Hall. He’s led in, and seated on a Carpet, enquires after the Welfare of the Family, after which he takes Notice of the Weather, and then with great Ceremony takes his Leave, conducted as he was received.
None visit the Minister of State, neither is there any thing like the English Hospitality seen in the Visits of private Persons; for they never present you any Refreshment, not even that of cold Water, except at a formal Invitation, or a Wedding. At the latter they are very profuse. When a young Couple is married, for a Week they are never seen asunder; but after that, it is look’d upon indecent to be seen with a Wife in any publick Company; and one would think they married to be reveng’d on each other for some former Injuries; for the Wife takes Care to shew her Contempt of her Husband, and he his Aversion to his Wife. They are great Admirers of Puppet-shews and other Spectacles, and will let their Families at Home want Necessaries, rather than not be seen at the Booth. What they most delight in is bloody Spectacles. There are poor Cacklogallinians, who fight on Stages for Money; if they cut one another to Pieces, the Spectators go away highly satisfied; but if their Art prevents their shedding much Blood, the Combatants are poorly rewarded, and look’d upon as a Couple of Cheats or Cowards.
A Goat had (as Tradition says) done formerly great Damage to the Corn of Danafalio, a Saint in great Veneration amongst them, who lived about Twelve Hundred Years ago; for which Reason, every Family, on a certain Day, diverts it self by breaking the Legs and Ribs of a Goat, and flaying it alive.
Their Burial of the Dead is so expensive, that it often ruines the Heir. When the Corpse is carried out of the House, a Herald goes before, who proclaims the Titles of the Deceas’d: If he has none, he has Three Days Notice to make a Genealogy for him. I saw the Burial of a quondam Taylor, who was nearly ally’d to a first Minister, and heard the Herald’s Oration, which was as near as I remember, in these Words. See, Fellow-Citizens, the Vanity of all sublunary Things! and lament your own hard Fate in the Loss of the Illustrious Evanosmador. If Virtue, if Art, if Nobility of Blood, could any way have influenc’d the Tyrant Death, who could boast a greater Soul! Who exceed him in the Mysteries of his Art! Or lastly, Whose Veins were fill’d with a more noble Blood!
Here he repeated his Genealogy, which spoke him descended from a Number of Sovereign Princes, Grandees, Caja’s, &c.
When the Corpse arrives at the great Market-place, where all the Dead are burnt, a Priest makes a Funeral Oration; which done, a great Number of Mourners, hired for that purpose, begin their Lamentations, which last till the Body is entirely consum’d. The Fire is made with Billets, on which the Arms of the Deceased are either carv’d or painted, which cannot cost less than an English Crown each. Every one of the Company is presented with two of these Billets; one he lays on the Pile, the other he carries home, and hangs up in his House. After the Consumption of the Corpse, the Picture of the Deceas’d is hung over the Door for the Space of Twelve Moons. Their Ceremonies in marshalling the Company are tedious, and therefore I shall not mention them; I shall only take Notice, that the Dead are drawn by Six, or Eight Ostriches, cover’d with Cloath of Gold, upon an open Chariot.
When any begins to sicken, a Physician is sent for, who, after having examin’d the Patient, sends for a Venenugallpotior, something like our Apothecary, and gives him his Direction, takes his Fee, which is extravagant enough, and goes into his Palanquin; for a Physician, let him be a Second Hermes, or Galen, will never get Bread, if he does not make a Figure. He’s sure to repeat his Visits, Morning and Even, if the Patient as often repeats his Fees; but whenever he finds any Symptoms of a weak Purse, he sets a Mark on that House, and no Intreaties will prevail with him to go under that Roof.
When the Relations of the Sick perceive him past Hopes of Recovery, they fall to plundering his House, neglect him entirely, and very often fall together by the Ears, begin with Blows, and end with a Law-suit, which seldom fails ruining both Plaintiff and Defendant; for their Lawyers rarely bring a Suit to Issue, till their Clients are brought to Beggary; and tho’ they all know this to be the Consequence of their Litigation, yet is there no Nation so fond of going to Law.
When any one falls into Poverty, he’s look’d upon as infected; for all his Acquaintance shun him; nay, very often his own Children will not own him, if in happier Circumstances: And what will seem wonderful to a Briton, who esteems Merit in Rags, and contemns the Vicious, tho’ encompass’d with a Crowd of Servants, and distinguish’d by the glaring Titles of his Family; no sooner does a Cacklogollinian grow rich, but all the World courts him, tho’ sprung from a Dunghill: And even those who can never hope any thing from him, shew him a profound Respect. Ask who such a one is, and they never tell you, that he is such a Fowl of Honour, or of such good Qualities, but answer, he is worth so much: Nay, Riches give a Man such Superiority, that a Merchant, the Son of a Butcher, presum’d so much upon the immense Sums he possess’d, that he had the Boldness to tell the Emperor to his Face, if he did not prohibit the Importation of Corn (which was then very much wanted) he having a great Quantity by him, would draw his Money out of the publick Treasury, and then his Majesty might see who was able to supply him. The Emperor was advised to lay him by the Heels for his Sawciness, but the good Prince forgave him.
Their Dress is a close Doublet, and a a loose Mantle, which is either rich or plain, fine or coarse, not according to the Quality, but according to the Ability of the Wearer; for very often you can’t distinguish, in respect of Dress, the Grandee from the Merchant, or the Squabbaw from her Attendant; for the meaner Sort lay all on their Backs. Their Necks are adorned with Ribbons, Bells, Medals, &c. and their Tail-feathers are beautify’d with additional ones from the Peacock, or Figures painted with various Colours, which must be by the Emperor’s Permission, as has been before observ’d.
Their Exercises are pretty violent, and they are great Lovers of a Play for which I can find no Name in English. They begin with giving their next Neighbour a great Bang with the Wing, which is return’d by a Kick or Peck, or Stroke with the Spur; you would imagine they were so many engaged in a Battle, for they strike without Fear or Wit, and never mind on whom the Strokes light; for every one deals them about promiscuously, and as thick as he can lay them on. They will continue this Diversion, till they are not able to stand, or till some of the Company gets a Wing, a Leg, or a Head broke, or some other Damage, which the Party hurt never takes ill. This Play is indeed practised only among the younger, or the meaner Sort.
They are mighty fond of the Cuckoo, and will sit two Hours upon a Stretch to hear a Set of them exercise their natural Talent, for which they are paid and caress’d. I knew a Lady of Quality who gave a Pension of Five Thousand Spasma’s, each Spasma worth Two Shillings Sterling, to one of these Birds to sing her to Sleep every Night. The Air of this Country is too cold for these Cuckoo’s, who come from a more southern Clime, which is the Reason they stay not above three Years before they wing their Flight home, where they build Palaces with the Profits of their Journey: But as those who return send others in their stead, the Cacklogallinians are never long deprived of the Entertainment these Birds afford ’em.
Another Diversion they have, is the making the Ostriches run Races: The Feeding, Training, and Betting upon these Birds, have ruined many of the noblest Families. They are also mightily addicted to Dice, and will set and lose their Wives and Children, which they sometimes see eaten by the Winner, if he is of Quality.
This small Sketch of the Cacklogallinians I thought necessary, that the Reader might have some Idea of them. I happen’d to be cast on their Coast, just after they had made a Peace with the Magpyes, a puissant and neighbouring Nation, after a long, sanguine, and expensive War, which had well nigh exhausted the Forces and Treasure of both Parties, occasioned by the Cacklogallinians pretending they had a Right to nominate a Successor to the Emperor Chuctinio, who was in an advanced Age, and without issue; and the Magpyes pretended their King, as a Relation to that Emperor, had a Right to succeed to the Throne of the Bubohibonians, which is the Nation of Owls.
All the neighbouring States join’d the Cacklogallinians, in endeavouring to prevent this vast Increase of Power to the Magpyes, since it must necessarily destroy the Balance of Power; and as their prince was both powerful and ambitious, they apprehended he would aim at an universal Monarchy: But then they would not allow the Cacklogallinians had any more Right than their Neighbours, to name a Successor; and if that Monarchy were to fall to the Share of any powerful Prince, it might be as dangerous to the common Good, as if yielded to the Magpyes; they therefore would have it divided.
The Peacock, who pretends to be the High-Priest of all Nations, and exacts on that Account Tributes from them, and calls himself the Disposer of Kingdoms, had his Tributes stopp’d by the Magpyes, about the same time; and complaining of this Injury, he invited Bigoteasy to declare War against Gripeallyominte, King of the Magpyes, which, on account of former Friendship, he absolutely refused. This so enraged the good High Priest, that he raised a Rebellion against him; he was dethron’d, taken Prisoner by his Subjects, and died in Confinement, and his Kingdom given by the Peacock, and the unanimous Consent of the People, to the greatest Prince that History ever mention’d, either for Wisdom or Bravery.
These Wars lasted Sixty and Seven Years, and the Cacklogallinians bore the greatest Share of the Expence; which had so far indebted them, that every Brain was at Work to project Methods for raising Money to pay the Interest.
These Schemes, which were every Day presented to the Minister, grew so numerous, that, had he applied himself to nothing else but their Examination, it would have taken up a great Part of his Time: And, indeed, I must own, that my Friend, the first Minister, gave himself but very little Trouble in things of this Nature, for all his Schemes, and all his Thoughts center’d in himself; and when I have gone to carry him Intelligence in a Morning, and all the great Fowl that came to pay their Levee, have been answer’d, that he was busy in his Closet upon Affairs of Importance to the State, and saw no Company, I have found him (for there were Orders for admitting me) either writing Directions concerning his Ostriches, or his Country Sports, or his Buildings, or examining his private Accounts; and tho’ I often thought but meanly of my own Species, yet I began to think, from the Conduct of this great Minister, that a Cock was a far more selfish, and more worthless Animal than Man; insomuch, that I have so despised them ever since, as to think them good for nothing but the Spit.
The Schemes which he put in Practice were all the Invention of others, tho’ he assum’d the Credit of them; and I will be bold to say, that, before my Time, amongst Numbers that were offer’d to him, he generally chose the worst.
I was therefore order’d, after I had been two Years at Court, to take this Business upon me, with the Title of Castleairiano, or Project Examiner, and a Salary of Thirty Thousand Spasma’s. The first Project offer’d me, was the laying a Tax on Cloath, and all manner of Stuffs. This I rejected, because it being the chief Manufacture of the Country, it would, by raising the Price abroad, be a Hindrance to the Commerce of the Nation, and give the Cormorants who made it, tho’ nothing so fine as the Cacklogallinians, an Opportunity, by under-selling them, to become the chief Merchants in this Branch of Trade. But it would be tedious to mention the many Offers, with my Reasons for accepting or rejecting them, which I once a Week gave a List of to the Minister, who was often so good as to approve my Judgment.
There were Projects for taxing Soot, Corn, Ribbons, for coining all the Plate of the Nobility, for prohibiting the wearing of Gold or Silver. Some were for the Government’s taking all the Torchtrees (which gave a Light, and are used like our Candles) and dispose of them, by which great Sums might be raised. Some were for laying a Tax on all who kept Coaches; others upon all who wore Silver or Gold Spurs: But these touching only the Rich, the Minister would not listen to. The Tax which he approved of most, was on the Light of the Sun, according to the Hours it was enjoy’d; so that the poor Peasant, who rose with it, paid for Twelve Hours Day-light, and the Nobility and Gentry, who kept their Beds till Noon, paid only for Six.
Another Tax was laid upon those who drank only Spring Water. This fell altogether on the Poor, for the better Sort drank the Juice of a certain Tree imported from the Bubohibonians.
Whoever had not an Estate in Land of an Hundred Spasma’s was also tax’d Ten Spasma’s a Year, to be paid out of their Day Labour. He who deliver’d a Project of fetching Gold from the Moon, was caress’d prodigiously, and his way of reasoning approved; tho’ I gave it in with a † as rejected by me, yet he was rewarded, and Preparation order’d for the Journey, in which I was commanded to accompany him: For, he insinuated to the Minister, that it was possible the Inhabitants might be of my Species; nay, that I myself might have dropp’d out of that World, which was more reasonable than to believe the Story I told, of having pass’d so great a Sea; and that I very likely had form’d this Story out of a Tenderness to my Country lest his Imperial Majesty should attempt its Conquest.
He had so possess’d the Minister with this Notion, that my arguing against it was to no purpose. He told me one Day, That all the Philosophers allow’d, nay, maintain’d, that both Animals, Vegetables, and Minerals, were generated, grew, and were nourished, by the Spirit of the World: A Quintessence partaking of all the Four Elements, tho’ it was no One, might be called Air, and was not; Fire, and was not Fire, &c. That this Spirit was assisted by the Influence of the Planets, and tended to the highest Perfection of Purity. That all Metals were generated by the said Spirit, and differ’d from one another, but according to the Purity or Impurity of the Matrices which receiv’d it. That as the Planets Influence was necessary, that of the Moon must, as the nearest to the Earth, be the most efficacious: That as it was visible to the Eye, the Moon was more depurated than the Earth; was surrounded by a thinner Air, in which the Spirit of the World is more abundant, and was nearer to the other Planets, he naturally concluded, that it must abound in Gold Mines; and this Conclusion was strengthened by the Mountains discernible in the Moon; and Mountains being mostly rocky, afforded the purest Matrice for the Universal Spirit; so that it seem’d to him impossible, that any other Metal, less pure, could be generated in that World. That such Metals, for their Use, were often preferable to Gold, and that in denying my Descent from thence, I was in Fact, doing an Injury to those I wish’d to serve, since by Intercourse with those Inhabitants, both Worlds might find their Advantage.
I answered his Excellency, That I wished he might ever find his and his Country’s Good, in all his Undertakings, since I had so great Obligations to both; but that what I had told him of my self was every way consonant to Truth; that I was so far from being an Inhabitant of the Moon, that I did not believe it habitable; and if it were, I did not think a Voyage thither practicable, for Reasons I wou’d give the Projector, whenever his Excellency would condescend to hear my Objections and his Answers: That if he, after that, would persist in the Undertaking, she should find me ready to sacrifice that Life in the Attempt, which I held from his Goodness. Well, return’d he, to morrow I will have him at my House, don’t fail being there at Dinner; I will be denied to every one else, and hope his Reasons will convince you; for I have, I own, a greater Opinion of your Veracity, in what relates to this Affair, than of your Judgment.
The next Day I waited on his Excellency, where I found the Projector mention’d. He began the Discourse, addressing himself to me, after the usual Ceremonies.
“I am sorry, said he, to find what I propos’d meet with any Objection from one whose Penetration makes me fear some Obstacle considerable, which has escaped my Scrutiny. However, if I have the Mortification to have my Views baffled, yet shall I reap the Advantage of being instructed in what I am ignorant of. His Excellency has commanded me to lay before you what my Reasons are, for supposing the Moon an inhabited Globe. I shall therefore, with all possible Brevity, obey his Excellency’s Commands. I shall not name the ancient Sages, both of this and the neighbouring Nations, who have been of the same Opinion, because I have already cited them in my Memorial; but shall first offer you some Principles on which I have, beside the Authorities mention’d, founded my own.
“First, I esteem the Moon an opaque solid Body, as is our Earth, and consequently adapted for the Entertainment and Nourishment of its Inhabitants. Now, that it is a solid Body, is evident by the Repercussion of the Light which it receives from the Sun.”
“Sir, said I, you are here begging the Question; for it is possible, that the Moon of itself is a luminous Body; and I am apt to believe it such for this Reason: Its Light is seen in more than one Place at a time, whereas a Body which gives a Light by Reflection only, that Light is perceivable in that Point alone, where the Angle of Reflection is equal to that of Incidence.”
He answer’d,
“My Objection did not hold good in regard to a Body whose Surface is rugged and uneven, as is that of the Moon. That it is an opaque and solid Body, is visible by the Eclipses of the Sun; for a pellucid Body could not deprive us of the Light of that glorious Planet. That the Moon does eclipse the Sun in the same manner as our Earth eclipses the Moon (as all know it does) makes me conclude these two Bodies of a Nature, since the like Interposition produces the like Effect. When I say they are of a Nature, I mean opaque, which to prove, I argue thus: If this Planet be of it self luminous, it must appear much brighter when eclips’d in its perigée, or nearest Distance from the Earth, and its Light must be less consequently when in its Apogée, or greatest Distance from it; for the nearer a luminous Body approaches the Eye, the stronger Impression it makes upon the Sight. Beside, the Shadow of the Earth, had the Moon any innate and peculiar Light, cou’d not obscure it, but, on the contrary, would render it more conspicuous, as is evident to Reason.
“Now Experience shews us, that the Moon appears with the greater Light eclips’d in its Apogée, or greater Distance, and more obscure when in its Perigée, or nearer Distance, consequent has no peculiar Light of its own. That a Shadow could obscure its inherent Light, had it any, would be making a Body of a Shadow, which is so far from being corporeal, that it is nothing but a Deprivation of the Light of the Sun, by the Interposition of the opaque Body of the Earth.
“I could give many more Reasons, but to avoid Prolixity, I refer you to my Memorial, knowing how precious Time is to your Excellency.
“I shall now speak of the principal and constituent Parts of this Planet; to wit, the Sea, the firm Land; its Extrinsicks, as Meteors, Seasons, and Inhabitants.”
“I find, said his Excellency, you have forgot what you promised, the being concise; you have already couch’d what you are going to repeat, in Writing. I am satisfied that you have in your Memorial demonstrated, that the Moon is like ours, a World, and this Earth, like that, a Planet; I would willingly hear if Probusomo can bring any Objection of Weight to the undertaking the Journey; for I look upon the Distance which you have computed to be about 179712 Lapidians (answerable to so many English Miles) to be none at all, since we have Cacklogallinians, who, with Provisions for a Week, will fly 480 Lapidians a Day, and hold it for many Days. But this Swiftness, as you have made appear, is not requisite, since you judge, that in ascending some five Lapidians, you will have reach’d the Atmosphere, and the rest will be attended by no other Fatigue, than that of preventing too swift a Descent. Propose what you have to object, Probusomo, for I will provide you able Bearers, who shall carry you, and with the Strength of theirs, supply your Defect of Wings.”
I answer’d, That since his Excellency commanded, I would give in those Objections which occurr’d: The first was the extream Coldness of the Air; the second its great Subtlety, which to me made this Undertaking impracticable; besides, the Distance is such, by the learned Gentleman’s Calculation, that could the Cacklogallinians, without resting, fly at the rate of 1500 Lapidians a Day, the Journey could not be ended in less than six Moons: That there were no Inns in the Way, nor Places to rest in; and supposing we could carry Provisions for that Length of Time, I could not perceive how they could be always on Wing, and subsist without Sleep.
His Excellency seem’d to think the Difficulties I rais’d merited Consideration, and after some Pause, asked the Projector, if he could solve them.
“As to the first Objection, my Lord, said he, I answer, that altho’ the second Region may be endow’d with Coldness proper for the Production of Meteors, yet may it not be unsupportable; neither can we suppose, that the Air above, which if not destin’d to the same End, is of the same Nature, but on the contrary, we may rather suppose it exempt from all Extremes, consequently our Passage thro’ this cold Region being performed, which we have Reason to conclude but short, for this condens’d Air which encompasses the Earth on every Part, weighs about 108 Liparia’s on a Square Inch (Liparia is near a Sixth of our Pound) and we may very easily compute from thence, what Space of this Air we have to pass, by computing what is necessary to support this Globe of Earth, we shall find the Ætherial altogether temperate.
“As to the second Objection, I anwer, that the Subtlety of the Air I look upon no Obstacle; for the Air near the Earth, especially in dry Places, where there are no impure Exhalations, by the intense Heat of the Sun, it is perhaps as thin, and as much rarified, as the Ætherial. This I suppose from the Tenuity of the Air on the top of the Mountain Tenera, where ’tis said none can inhabit on that account. But I have my self flown to the top of this Mountain, and carry’d with me a wet Spunge, thro’ which I drew my Breath for some time, but by Degrees I became habituated to this Tenuity, and respired with Ease; nay, after staying there some few Days, I found the denser Air, on my Descent, caus’d a Difficulty in my Respiration: From whence I concluded, that, by Degrees, the thinnest Air may become Natural; and as I felt no Hunger while on the Mountain, I may suppose the same Air we breathe may also nourish us. And this is no vain Imagination, for the Aker (that is, Viper) we see live by the Spirit included in the Air, which is the Principle of Life in all; but in case I am out in this Conjecture, we may carry Provisions with us.
“As to the resting our selves, I affirm from the Principles of sound Philosophy, that when once out of the Reach of the magnetick Power of the Earth, we shall no longer gravitate, for what we call Gravity, is no other than Attraction, consequently we may repose our selves in the Air, if there is Occasion, which I believe there will not; for as we shall then have no Weight to exhaust the Spirits, there can be no Need of refreshing them either with Meat or Sleep.”
The Minister rose up, and said he was fully satisfied with his Answers; the only Thing gave him Uneasiness, was the Length of Time I said was requisite to make this Journey.
“My Lord, replied the Projector, I can’t agree that such a Time is necessary; for being above the Attraction of the Earth, which is the only laborious Part of our Passage, we may go with an inconceivable Swiftness, especially when we come within the Attraction of the Moon, which will certainly be encreas’d by the Weight of Provisions, which we shall by way of Precaution carry with us, and which will be no Burthen after we have pass’d the Atmosphere; so that what Weight a Thousand Cacklogallinians can hardly raise to that Heighth, one might support, the rest of the Journey.”
His Excellency perceiv’d by my Countenance I was not satisfied, and therefore bid me take Heart, he wou’d send a Number of Palanquins with us, and if we found the second Region impervious by Reason of the Cold, we shou’d have the Liberty to return.
The only Talk now in Town was our designed Journey to the Moon, for which a great many of the swiftest Flyers were inlifted with Promises of great Reward. Palanquins were made sharp at each End, to cut the Air; the warmest Mantles and Hoods were made for the Bearers, and the Projector’s and my Palanquin were close, and lined with Down.
A Company was erected, Shares sold of the Treasure we were to bring back; and happy was he who could first subscribe. These Subscriptions were sold at 2000 per Cent. Advantage, and in less than two Months, the Time spent in preparing for our Journey, I saw at least Five Hundred Lacqueys, who had fallen into the Trade of buying and selling these Subscriptions in their gilt Palanquins, and Train of Servants after them. The Squabbaws, the Vultuaquilians, the Minister, and some of the Grand Council, shared amongst them Fifty Millions of Spasma’s, ready Money, for what they sold of this chimerical Treasure.
This open’d my Eyes, and I found I had been very short-sighted, in condemning the Minister for giving Ear to a Project so contrary to Reason: But when I saw the noblest Families, and such whose Ruine was necessary to his own Support, sell their Estates to buy Shares, I look’d upon him as the wisest Minister in the known World; and was lost in Wonder, when I confider’d the Depth of his Designs.
I took the Liberty, once to mention my Astonishment to him, with all the Deference due to his exalted Quality, and with the Praises he justly deserved. He answer’d me, that he fear’d I saw farther than was either convenient, or safe for me, if my Taciturnity did not equal my Penetration. This he spoke in a Tone which gave me Apprehension of Danger; I threw my self at his Feet, and begg’d he would rather kill me, than suspect my Zeal for his Service; that what I had taken the Liberty of saying to his Excellency, I had never the Imprudence to mention to any other; and that I hop’d the Experience he had of me would assure him of my Secrecy. Learn, said he, that Ministers work like Moles, and it’s as dangerous to shew them you can enter into their Views, as to attempt their Lives: I have a Confidence in you; but had any other held me the same Discourse, I would have put it out of his Power to have repeated it to a third Person.