Whole Word
Clerk standing behind counter, with shawls and various dry goods to sell. Also rolls or pieces of carpet, oil and other kinds. Various placards on the walls,—“No credit.” “Goods marked down!” &c. Enter Old Woman.
Old Woman (speaking in rather high key). Do you keep stockings?
Clerk (handing box of stockings). O yes. Here are some, very good quality.
Old Woman (examining them). Mighty thin, them be.
Clerk. I assure you, they are warranted to wear.
Old Woman. To wear out, I guess.
Enter Young Married Couple.
Clerk. Good morning. Can we sell you anything to-day?
Wife (modestly). We wish to look at a few of your carpets.
Clerk. This way, ma’am.
Husband. Hem! (Clearing his throat.) We will look at something for parlors.
Clerk. Here is a style very much admired. (Unrolls carpet.) Elegant pattern. We import all our goods, ma’am. That’s a firm piece of goods. You couldn’t do better. We warrant it to wear. All fast colors.
Old Woman (coming near). A good rag carpet’ll wear out two o’ that.
Wife (to Husband). I think it is a lovely pattern. Don’t you like it, Charley?
Husband. Hem—well, I have seen prettier. But then, ’t is just as you say, dear.
Wife. O no, Charley. ’T is just as you say. I want to please you, dear.
Old Woman (to Clerk). Have you got any crash towelling?
Husband. What’s the price of this carpet?
Clerk. Three dollars a yard. Here’s another style (unrolls another) just brought in. (Attends to Old Woman.)
Husband (speaking to Wife). Perhaps we’d better look at the other articles you wanted. (They go to another part of the store, examining articles.)
Enter a spare, thin Woman, in plain dress and green veil.
Clerk. Can we sell you anything to-day?
Woman. I was thinking of buying a carpet.
Clerk. Step this way, ma’am. (Shows them.) We have all styles, ma’am.
Woman. I want one that will last. (Examining it.)
Clerk (taking hold of it). Firm as iron, ma’am. We’ve sold five hundred pieces of that goods. If it don’t wear, we’ll agree to pay back the money.
Woman. I want one that won’t show dirt.
Clerk. Warranted not to show dirt, ma’am. We warrant all our goods.
Woman. Can it be turned?
Clerk. Perfectly well, ma’am. ’Twill turn as long as there’s a bit of it left.
Woman. What do you ask?
Clerk. Well, we have been selling that piece of goods for three fifty, but you may have it for three dollars.
Woman. Couldn’t you take less?
Clerk. Couldn’t take a cent less. Cost more by wholesale.
Woman. I think I’ll look further. (Going.)
Clerk. Well, now seeing it’s the last piece, you may have it for two fifty.
Woman. I wasn’t expecting to give over two dollars a yard. (Going.)
Clerk. Now I’ll tell you what I’ll do. Say two and a quarter, and take it.
Woman. I have decided not to go over two dollars. (Going.)
Clerk (crossly). Well. You can have it for that. But we lose on it. In fact, we are selling now to keep the trade, nothing else. Twenty-five yards? I’ll measure it directly.
Old Woman. Have you got any cotton flannel?
Enter Fashionable Lady.
Clerk (all attention, bowing). Good morning, madam. Can we sell you anything to-day?
Fashionable Lady. I am looking at carpets this morning. Have you anything new?
Clerk. This way, madam. We have several new lots, just imported. (Shows one.)
Fashionable Lady. It must light up well, or it will never suit me.
Clerk. Lights up beautifully, madam.
Fashionable Lady. Is this real tapestry?
Clerk. O, certainly, madam. We shouldn’t think of showing you any other.
Fashionable Lady. What’s the price?
Clerk. Well, this is a Persian pattern, and we can’t offer it for less than six dollars. Mrs. Topothetree bought one off the same piece.
Fashionable Lady. ’T is a lovely thing, and when a carpet suits me, the price is no objection.
Old Woman (coming forward). Have you got any remnants? I wanted to get a strip to lay down afore the fire. (Speaking to Lady.) Goin’ to give six dollars a yard for that? Guess you better larn how to make a rag carpet. Fust, take your old coats and trousers, and strip ’em up inter narrer strips, and jine the strips together, and wind all that up in great balls. That’s your warp. Then take coarse yarn and color it all colors. That’s your fillin’. Then hire your carpet wove, and that carpet’ll last.
Enter Policeman and a Gentleman.
Gentleman (pointing to Fashionable Lady). That is the person.
Policeman (placing his hand on her shoulder). This gentleman, madam, thinks you have—borrowed a quantity of his lace goods.
Fashionable Lady (with air of astonishment). I? Impossible! Impossible, sir!
Gentleman. I am sure of it.
Policeman. Will you have the goodness, madam, to come with us?
Curtain drops, while all are gazing at each other in amazement.
I procured a copy of the above charade for little Silas. There was a sociable, one evening, at his school, got up for the purpose of raising money to buy a melodeon, or a seraphine, I don’t know which. I never do know which is a melodeon and which is a seraphine. I have an idea the first sounds more melodious.
They wanted a charade to act, and I sent them this of William Henry’s. Silas took the character of the fellow from the country. They liked the charade very much. The brake-man had the forward wheels of a baby carriage for his brakes. Of course only one of the wheels was seen, and he made a great ado turning it.
At the end the cars ran off the track, and the curtain fell upon a general smash-up.