Illustrative and Humorous Anecdotes
With a number of the following anecdotes a few suggestions are given as to the manner in which they may be used. The habit of thinking how a good story may be brought into an address should be formed, after which these hints will be superfluous. At the outset they may help to form the habit.
1. Independence of a Monopoly
[A good illustration of complete independence. It can be used as a humorous description of a monopoly or as a compliment to a man who has complete control of his own affairs.]
An inquisitive passenger on a railroad recently had the following dialogue:
“Do you use the block system on this road?” inquired the passenger.
“No, sir,” replied the conductor, “we have no use for it.”
“Do you use the electric or pneumatic signals?”
“No, sir.”
“Have you a double track?”
“No.”
“Well, of course, you have a train dispatcher, and run all trains by telegraph?”
“No.”
“I see you have no brakeman. How do you flag the rear of your train if you are stopped from any cause between stations?”’
“We don’t flag.”
“Indeed! What a way to run a railroad! A man takes his life in his hand when he rides on it. This is criminally reckless!”
“See here, mister! If you don’t like this railroad you can get off and walk. I am president of this road and its sole owner. I am also board of directors, treasurer, secretary, general manager, superintendent, paymaster, trackmaster, general passenger agent, general freight agent, master mechanic, ticket agent, conductor, brakeman, and boss. This is the Great Western Railroad of Kentucky, six miles long, with termini at Harrodsburg and Harrodsburg Junction. This is the only train on the road of any kind, and ahead of us is the only engine. We never have collisions. The engineer does his own firing, and runs the repair shop and round-house all by himself. He and I run this railway. It keeps us pretty busy, but we’ve always got time to stop and eject a sassy passenger. So you want to behave yourself and go through with us, or you will have your baggage set off here by the haystack!”
2. Explanation
[To ridicule extravagant explanations that do not explain—or unreasonable pretensions to antiquity.]
An old Scotch lady, who had no relish for modern church music, was expressing her dislike to the singing of an anthem in her own church one day, when a neighbor said: “Why, that is a very old anthem! David sang that anthem to Saul.” To this the old lady replied: “Weel, weel! I noo for the first time understan’ why Saul threw his javelin at David when the lad sang for him.”
3. Riding a Hobby
[To illustrate hobby-riding—very appropriate where many toasts and speeches run in one line.]
A boy in Buffalo, N. Y., who was asked to write out what he considered an ideal holiday dinner ménu, evolved the following:
Furst Corse.
Mince pie.
Second Corse.
Pumpkin pie and turkey.
Third Corse.
Lemon pie, turkey, and cranberries
Fourth Corse.
Custard pie, apple pie, chocolate cake and plum pudding.
Dessert.
Pie.
4. Hobson’s Choice
[Suitable caricature for any one who tries to make merit of doing what he cannot help.]
“If my employer does not retract what he said to me this morning I shall leave his store.” “Why, what did he say?” “He told me to look for another place.”
5. When to Be Silent
[A silent guest might tell this to show that he had found a way to be of greatest service at a banquet.]
Mrs. Penfield—“My husband has found a way by which he says I am of the greatest help to him in his literary work.”
Mrs. Hillaire—“How nice that must be for you, my dear! But how are you able to do it?”
Mrs. Penfield—“As soon as I see him at his desk I go into another room and keep perfectly quiet until he has finished.”
6. Paying for Your Whistle
[Would be a good answer to one who gave a compliment, and tried in that way to shove off a speech or other duty upon the one complimented.]
McSwatters—“It’s very funny.”
Mrs. McSwatters—“What is?”
McSwatters—“Why, when the doctor treats me I always have to pay for it.”
7. Goose-Chase
[Would come in well after several had declined to speak, the goose being the one who finally consents and tells the story.]
A lady had been looking for a friend for a long time without success. Finally, she came upon her in an unexpected way. “Well,” she exclaimed, “I’ve been on a perfect wild-goose chase all day long, but, thank goodness, I’ve found you at last.”
8. The Perplexed Sage
[To show that the chairman may safely confide in his own power to manage such poor material as the person who tells the story assumes himself to be.]
“And now what is it?” asked the sage, as the young man timidly approached. “Pray, tell me,” asked the youth, “does a woman marry a man because of her confidence in the man, or because of her confidence in her ability to manage him?” For once the sage had to take the question under advisement.
9. Quick Thought
[The following illustrates the advantages of a happy retort, the importance of a felicitous phrase, or of quick thought and ready speech. It might be said that the preceding speaker was as ready as:]
When Napoleon (then a student at Brienne) was asked how he would supply himself with provisions in a closely-invested town, he answered, without a moment’s hesitation, “From the enemy,” which so pleased the examiners that they passed him without further questions.
10. [The Russian General Suvaroff is said to have promoted one of his sergeants for giving substantially the same answer.]
The Emperor Paul, of Russia, was so provoked by the awkwardness of an officer on review that he ordered him to resign at once and retire to his estate. “But he has no estate,” the commander ventured. “Then give him one!” thundered the despot, whose word was law, and the man gained more by his blunders than he could have done by years of the most skillful service.
11. [The anger of an actor took the same turn as that of the Czar.]
Colley Cibber once missed his “cue,” and the confusion that followed spoiled the best passage of Betterton, who was manager as well as actor. He rushed behind the scenes in a towering passion, and exclaimed, “Forfeit, Master Colley; you shall be fined for such stupidity!” “It can’t be done,” said a fellow-actor, “for he gets no salary.” “Put him down for ten shillings a week and fine him five!” cried the furious manager.
12. Insignificant Things
[The need of accuracy, or how insignificant things sometimes change the meaning, is shown by the following.]
A merchant of London wrote his East India factor to send him 2 or 3 apes; but he forgot to write the “r” in “or,” and the factor wrote that he had sent 80, and would send the remainder of the 2 0 3 as soon as they could be gathered in.
13. A very well-known writer had a similar experience. He was selling copies of his first literary venture, and telegraphed to the publisher to send him “three hundred books at once.” He answered. “Shall I send them on an emigrant train, or must they go first-class? Had to scour the city over to get them. You must be going into the hotel business on a great scale to need so many Cooks.” I was bewildered; but all was explained when a copy of the dispatch showed that the telegraph clerk had mistaken the small “b” for a capital “C.”
14. Making an Excuse; or, Johnny Peep
[A guest pleading to be excused from a speech or a song might say that he wanted to be accounted as “Johnny Peep” in the following story which Allan Cunningham tells of Robert Burns.]
Strolling one day in Cumberland the poet lost his friends, and thinking to find them at a certain tavern he popped his head in at the door. Seeing no one there but three strangers, he apologized, and was about to retire, when one of the strangers called out, “Come in, Johnny Peep.” This invitation the convivial poet readily accepted, and spent a very pleasant time with his newly-found companions. As the conversation began to flag, it was proposed that each should write a verse, and place it, together with two-and-six pence, under the candlestick, the best poet to take the half-crowns, while the unsuccessful rhymers were to settle the bill among them. According to Cunningham, Burns obtained the stakes by writing:
“Here am I, Johnny Peep;
I saw three sheep,
And these three sheep saw me.
Half-a-crown apiece
Will pay for their fleece,
And so Johnny Peep goes free.”
15. Stern Logic
[Probably this boy would have seen the necessity of avoiding such rich banquets as this.]
“Say, ma, do they play base-ball in heaven?”
“Why, no, my dear; of course not. Why do you ask?”
“Huh! Well, you don’t catch me being good and dying young then; that’s all.”
16. Mistaken Brevity
[“Brevity is the soul of wit;” and calculation and economy are very commendable; but they may be carried to extremes. This may be used when the last speaker has closed a little abruptly.]
This is the message the telegraph messenger handed a young man from his betrothed “Come down as soon as you can; I am dying. Kate.”
Eight hours later he arrived at the summer hotel, to be met on the piazza by Kate herself.
“Why, what did you mean by sending me such a message?” he asked.
“Oh!” she gurgled, “I wanted to say that I was dying to see you, but my ten words ran out, and I had to stop.”
17. Charity Begins at Home
Breslau, a celebrated juggler, being at Canterbury with his troupe, met with such bad success that they were almost starved. He repaired to the church wardens, and promised to give a night’s takings to the poor if the parish would pay for hiring a room, etc. The charitable bait took, the benefit proved a bumper, and the next morning the church wardens waited upon the wizard to touch the receipts. “I have already disposed of dem,” said Breslau; “de profits were for de poor. I have kept my promise, and given de money to my own people, who are de poorest in dis parish!”
“Sir!” exclaimed the church wardens, “this is a trick.”
“I know it,” replied the conjurer; “I live by my tricks.”
18. Charity; or, A Good Word for Every One — Even the Devil
[It is well to feel charitably and kindly at all times, but especially at a dinner party.]
A friend said to a Scotchman who was celebrated for possessing these amiable qualities, “I believe you would actually find something to admire in Satan himself.” The canny Scot replied, “Ah! weel, weel, we must a’ admit, that auld Nick has great energy and perseverance.”
[If the chairman has been very persistent in calling out reluctant speakers, the foregoing would be a good story to turn the laugh upon him.]
19. Ingenious Reason
[The Scotchman referred to in the last anecdote was as ingenious in finding a reason as the boy mentioned in the following:]
“Can you suggest any reason why I should print your poem?” said the overbearing editor.
The dismal youth looked thoughtful, and then replied:
“You know I always inclose a stamp for the return of rejected manuscript?”
“Yes.”
“Well, if you print it you can keep the stamp.”
20. Ambiguity of Words
[The equivocal use of words in our language.]
Recently a west-bound train on the Fitchburg (Mass.) Railroad had just left the town of Athol When the conductor noticed among the new passengers a young man of intelligent appearance. He asked for the young man’s fare, and the latter handed him a ticket to Miller’s Falls and with it a cent. For a moment the conductor suspected a joke, but a look at the passenger’s face convinced him to the contrary.
“What is this cent for?” the conductor asked.
“Why, I see,” answered the young fellow, “that the ticket isn’t good unless it is stamped, and as I don’t happen to have a stamp with me I give you the cent instead. You can put it on, can’t you?”
The good-natured conductor handed back the coin with a smile, remarking that it was a small matter, and he would see that it was all right.
21. Useless Regret
[Persons who pretend to regret something without making a real effort to better it are hit off by this anecdote.]
A father called his son rather late in the morning, and finding him still abed, indignantly demanded: “Are you not ashamed to be caught asleep this time of day?”
“Yes, rather,” returned the ingenious youth, “but I’d ruther be ashamed than git up.”
22. No Happiness in Wealth
[The great advantage of being fully adapted to one’s situation and contented with it.]
There are people who cannot hold their heads under the influence of sudden riches. They immediately begin to degenerate. They have become so used to humble circumstances that wealth is a curse. Here is a case:
A tramp, for some mysterious reason, had accepted an offer to work about the place, for which he was to receive his meals, sundry old clothes, and 25 cents a day in cash. For the first two or three days he did very well, and he was paid 50 cents on account. He did not spend the money, but he began to grow listless and sad, and at the end of the week he interviewed his employer.
“You’ve been very kind to me, sir,” he said, “and I want to thank you for what you have done.”
“That’s all right,” was the reply. “I’m glad to be able to help you.”
“I know that, sir, and I appreciate it, but I shall have to give it all up, sir.”
“What’s that for? Don’t I pay you enough?”
“Oh! yes, sir; that isn’t it. I have 75 cents left, sir, but I find that money doesn’t bring happiness, sir, and I guess I’ll resign and go back to the old ways, sir. Wealth is a curse to some people, sir, and I fancy I belong to that class. Good-bye, sir.” And he shambled off down the path and struck the highway.
23. Short but Pointed
[Splendid for a speaker called up rather late in the evening—even if he should make a short speech afterward.]
Being nobody in particular, a Mr. Bailey was placed last on the list of the speakers. The chairman introduced several speakers whose names were not on the list, and the audience were tired out when he said, “Mr. Bailey will now give you his address.”
“My address,” said Mr. Bailey, rising, “is No. 45 Loughboro Park, Brixton Road, and I wish you all good night.”
24. Reasoning in a Circle
[This is very common, as in the case of the heroine of this story.]
The director of a Chicago bank tells how his wife overdrew her account at the bank one day last month. “I spoke to her about it one evening,” said he, “and told her she ought to adjust it at once. A day or two afterward I asked her if she had done what I suggested. ‘Oh! yes,’ she answered. ‘I attended to that matter the very next morning after you spoke about it. I sent the bank my check for the amount I had overdrawn.’”
25. Extreme Economy
[Economy is a great virtue, but it should not be extreme.]
An old lady of Massachusetts was famed in her native township for health and thrift. To an acquaintance who was once congratulating her upon the former she said:
“We be pretty well for old folks, Josiah and me. Josiah hasn’t had an ailin’ time for fifty years, ’cept last winter. And I ain’t never suffered but one day in my life, and that was when I took some of the medicine Josiah had left over, so’s how it shouldn’t be wasted.”
26. Sensible to the Last
[How we commend those who take our standards and help us.]
A story is told of a late Dublin doctor, famous for his skill and also his great love of money. He had a constant and profitable patient in an old shopkeeper in Dame Street. This old lady was terribly rheumatic and unable to leave her sofa. During the doctor’s visit she kept a £1 note in her hand, which duly went into Dr. C.’s pocket. One morning he found her lying dead on the sofa. Sighing deeply, the doctor approached, and taking her hand in his, he saw the fingers closed on his fee. “Poor thing,” he said as he pocketed it, “sensible to the last.”
27. Fishing for a Compliment
[Fishing for compliments is sometimes dangerous.]
A well-known Congressman, who was a farmer before he went into politics, was doing his district not long ago, and in his rambles he saw a man in a stumpy patch of ground trying to get a plow through it. He went over to him, and after a brief salutation he asked the privilege of making a turn or two with the plow. The native shook his head doubtfully as he looked at his visitor’s store clothes and general air of gentleman of elegant leisure, but he let him take the plow. The Congressman sailed away with it in fine style, and plowed four or five furrows before the owner of the field could recover his surprise. Then he pulled up and handed the handles over to the original holder.
“By gravy, mister,” said the farmer, admiringly, “air you in the aggercultural business?”
“No,” laughed the statesman.
“Y’ain’t selling plows?”
“No.”
“Then what in thunder air you?”
“I’m the member of Congress from this district.”
“Air you the man I voted for and that I’ve been reading about in the papers doin’ legislatin’ and sich in Washington?”
“Yes.”
“Well, by hokey, mister,” said the farmer, as he looked with admiration over the recently-plowed furrows, “ef I’d a had any idea that I was votin’ fer a waste of sich good farmin’ material I’d voted fer the other candidate as shore as shootin’.”
28. Beyond Expression
[When called on for a speech one may answer the chairman in the words of this lady:]
She was in her room when some people came to call. Her husband received the company, and after awhile said to his daughter, who was playing about the room:
“Go up-stairs and tell your mamma that Mr. and Mrs. Blank have come to call.”
The child went, and after a while returned and began to play again.
“Did you tell your mamma that Mr. and Mrs. Blank are here?” asked the father.
“Oh! yes.”
“And what did she say?”
The little girl looked up, and after a moment’s hesitation, exclaimed:
“She said—well, she said, ‘O dear!’”
29. The Toast of the Evening
[The comment upon this incident by the editor is not less amusing than the speech.]
It is not always a pleasant thing to be called upon suddenly to address a public meeting of any sort, as is amusingly illustrated by the following speech at the opening of a free hospital by one who was certainly not born an orator:
“Gentlemen—ahem—I—I—I rise to say—that is, I wish to propose a toast, which I think you’ll all say—ahem—I think, at least, that this toast is, as you’ll say, the toast of the occasion. Gentlemen, I belong to a good many of these things, and I say, gentlemen, that this hospital requires no patronage—at least, what I mean is, you don’t want any recommendation. You’ve only got to be ill—got to be ill.”
“Now, gentlemen, I find by the report” (turning over the leaves in a fidgety way) “that from the year seventeen—no eighteen—no, ah, yes, I’m right—eighteen hundred and fifty—no, it’s a ’3’—thirty-six—eighteen hundred and thirty-six, no less than one hundred and ninety-three millions—no! ah!” (to a committeeman at his side) “Eh? oh, yes, thank you—yes—one hundred and ninety-three thousand—two millions—no” (after a close scrutiny at the report) “two hundred and thirty-one—one hundred and ninety-three thousand, two hundred and thirty-one! Gentlemen, I beg to propose—success to this admirable institution!”
To what the large and variously stated figures referred no one in the audience ever felt positive, but all agreed, as he had said they would, that this was the toast of the evening.
30. Bee Line
[He knew how to escape from more than one kind of fire.]
A soldier on guard in South Carolina during the war was questioned as to his knowledge of his duties.
“You know your duty here, do you, sentinel?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Well, now, suppose they should open on you with shells and musketry, what would you do?”
“Form a line, sir.”
“What! one man form a line?”
“Yes, sir; form a bee-line for camp, sir.”
31. Ventriloquism
[“Take the good the Gods provide.”]
At Raglan Castle, said Mr. Ganthony, the ventriloquist, I gave an entertainment in the open air, and throwing my voice up into the ivy-covered ruins, said: “What are you doing there?”
To my amazement a boy answered: “I climbed up ’ere this mornin’ just to see the folk and ’ear the music; I won’t do no harm.”
I replied: “Very well, stay there, and don’t let any one see you, do you hear?”
The reply came: “Yes, muster, I ’ear.”
This got me thunders of applause. I made up my mind to risk it, so I bowed, and the boy never showed himself.
32. A Slight Mistake
[Orders should be strictly obeyed.]
A celebrated German physician, according to a London paper, was once called upon to treat an aristocratic lady, the sole cause of whose complaint was high living and lack of exercise. But it would never have done to tell her so. So his medical advice was:
“Arise at five o clock, take a walk in the park for one hour, then drink a cup of tea, then walk another hour, and take a cup of chocolate. Take breakfast at eight.”
Her condition improved visibly, until one fine morning the carriage of the baroness was seen to approach the physician’s residence at lightning speed. The patient dashed up to the doctor’s house, and on his appearing on the scene she gasped out:
“O doctor! I took the chocolate first!”
“Then drive home as fast as you can,” directed the astute disciple of Æsculapius, rapidly writing a prescription, “and take this emetic. The tea must be underneath.”
The grateful patient complied. She is still improving.
33. Presence of Mind
[A fine story to illustrate the value (money value) of presence of mind.]
A witty person whom Bismarck was commissioned by the Emperor to decorate with the Iron Cross of the first class, discomfited the Chancellor’s attempt to chaff him. “I am authorized,” said Bismarck, “to offer you one hundred thalers instead of the cross.” “How much is the cross worth?” asked the soldier. “Three thalers.” “Very well, then, your highness, I’ll take the cross and ninety-seven thalers.” Bismarck was so surprised and pleased by the ready shrewdness of the reply that he gave the man both the cross and the money.
34. Joke on a Dude
[A good story for one who has some power of personation, for the dudes get little sympathy.]
A crowded car ran down the other evening. Within was a full-blown, eye-glassed, drab-gaitered dude, apparently satisfied that he was jammed in among an admiring community. On the rear platform a cheery young mechanic was twitting the conductor and occasionally making a remark to a fresh passenger. Everybody took it in good part as a case of inoffensive high spirits, all but the dude, who evinced a strong disgust.
When the young man called out to an old gentleman, “Sit out here, guvinor, on the back piazza,” or to another, “Don’t crowd there; stay where the breezes blow,” the dude looked daggers, and at last, grabbing the conductor’s elbow and indicating the young man by a nod of the head, evidently entered a protest. Every one saw it. So did the young man, and he gathered his wits together like a streak to finish that dude. He did it all with an imperturbable good humor and seriousness which would carry conviction to the most doubting.
“Well, I never!” he began, poking his head inside the doorway with an air of comic surprise. “Jes’ to see you a-sitting there, dressed up like that. Catch on to them gaiters, will you? Ain’t you got the nerve to go up and down Broadway fixed up like that, and your poor father and mother workin’ hard at home? Ain’t you ’shamed o’ yourself, and your father a honest, hard-workin’ driver, and your mother a decent, respectable washwoman? Y’ ain’t no good, or you wouldn’t have gev up your place, and I think I’ll go look after it myself and put a decent man in it.”
He stepped off the car as if bent on doing this at once, and the dude, unable to resist the ridicule of the situation or defend the attack, hastily stepped off after him.
35. Newspaper Reporter
[Equally good for a missionary meeting or a gathering of newspaper men.]
A young journalist was requested to write something about the Zenana Mission. He assured the readers of the paper that among the many scenes of missionary labor, none had of late attracted more attention than the Zenana Mission, and assuredly none was more deserving of this attention. Comparatively few years had passed since Zenana had been opened up to British trade, but already, owing to the devotion of a handful of men and women, the nature of the inhabitants had been almost entirely changed. The Zenanese, from being a savage people, had become, in a wonderfully short space of time, practically civilized; and recent travelers to Zenana had returned with the most glowing accounts of the continued progress of the good work in that country. He then branched off into the “laborer-worthy-of-his-hire” side of this great work, and the question was aptly asked if the devoted laborers in that remote vineyard were not deserving of support. Were civilization and Christianity to be snatched from the Zenanese just when both were within their grasp? So on for nearly half a column the writer meandered in the most orthodox style, just as he had done scores of times before when advocating certain missions. Some one who found him the next day running his finger down the letter Z, in the index to the “Handy Atlas,” with a puzzled look upon his face, knew he had had a letter from the editor.
36. How a Woman Proposed
[A variation of the old and always pleasing theme.]
They were dining off fowl in a restaurant. “You see,” he explained, as he showed her the wishbone, “you take hold here. Then we must both make a wish and pull, and when it breaks the one who has the bigger part of it will have his or her wish granted.” “But I don’t know what to wish for,” she protested. “Oh! you can think of something,” he said. “No, I can’t,” she replied; “I can’t think of anything I want very much.” “Well, I’ll wish for you,” he exclaimed. “Will you, really?” she asked. “Yes.” “Well, then, there’s no use fooling with the old wishbone,” she interrupted, with a glad smile, “you can have me.”
37. Lucky Answer
[Certainly Thompson would be a lawyer, ready for any emergency.]
In times past there was in a certain law school an aged and eccentric professor. “General information” was the old gentleman’s hobby. He held it as incontrovertible that if a young lawyer possessed a large fund of miscellaneous knowledge, combined with an equal amount of common sense, he would be successful in life. So every year the professor put on his examination papers a question very far removed from the subject of criminal law. One year it was, “How many kinds of trees are there in the college yard?” the next, “What is the make-up of the present English cabinet?”
Finally the professor thought he had invented the best question of his life. It was, “Name twelve animals that inhabit the polar regions.” The professor chuckled as he wrote this down. He was sure he would “pluck” half the students on that question and it was beyond a doubt that that opprobrious young loafer Thompson would fail. But when the professor read the examination papers, Thompson, who had not answered another question, was the only man who had solved the polar problem. This was Thompson’s answer: “Six seals and six polar bears.” Thompson got his degree with distinction.
38. Double Education
A young doctor, wishing to make a good impression upon a German farmer, mentioned the fact that he had received a double education, as it were. He had studied homoeopathy, and was also a graduate of a “regular” medical school. “Oh! dot vas noding,” said the farmer, “I had vonce a calf vot sucked two cows, and he made nothing but a common schteer after all.”
39. Remnants
[This and the preceding have a little spice of ill-nature, and while enjoyable must be applied carefully.]
Wife—“Such a dream as I had last night, dear!”
Husband—“May I hear about it?”
“Well, yes; I dreamed I was in a great establishment where they sold husbands. They were beauties; some in glass cases and marked at fearful prices, and others were sold at less figures. Girls were paying out fortunes, and getting the handsomest men I ever saw. It was wonderful.”
“Did you see any like me there, dear?”
“Yes; just as I was leaving I saw a whole lot like you lying on the remnant counter.”
40. Indirect and Direct
[The following instances show that it is necessary to heed indirect as well as direct meanings.]
Mr. Callon, M. P. for Louth, Ireland, a stanch opponent of the Sunday Closing and Permissive Bill and personally a great benefactor to the Revenue, replying to the Irish Attorney-General, said: “The facts relied on by the learned gentleman are very strange. Now, Mr. Speaker, I swallow a good deal. [‘Hear, hear,’ ‘Quite true,’ ‘Begorra, you can,’ and roars of laughter.] I repeat, I can swallow a great deal [‘Hear, hear,’ and fresh volleys of laughter], but I can’t swallow that.” A few nights before, in a debate which had to do with the Jews, Baron de Worms had just remarked, “We owe much to the Jews,” when there came a feeling groan from a well-known member in his back corner, “We do.”
41. An Unmarried Man’s Wife
At a dinner at Delmonico’s, after the bottle had made its tenth round, one of the company proposed this toast: “To the man whose wife was never vixenish to him!” A wag of an old bachelor jumped up and said: “Gentlemen, as I am the only unmarried man at this table, I suppose that that toast was intended for me.”
42. A Dilemma
“I am no good unless I strike,” said the match. “And you lose your head every time you do strike,” said the box.
43. Courageous Girl
[The following is a good instance of an elaborate story and a sharp retort.]
It is not always safe to presume upon the timidity or ignorance of folks. The most demure may be the most courageous. A gentleman who attempted to play a practical joke in order to test the courage of a servant, was nonplused in a very unexpected way. Here is his story:
I am very particular about fastening the doors and windows of my house. I do not intend to leave them open at night as an invitation to burglars to enter. You see, I was robbed once in that way last year, and I never mean to be again; so when I go to bed I like to be sure that every door and window is securely fastened.
Last winter my wife engaged a big, strong country girl, and the new-comer was very careless about the doors at night. On two or three occasions I came down-stairs to find a window up or the back door unlocked. I cautioned her, but it did her no good. I therefore determined to frighten her. I got some false whiskers, and one night about eleven o’clock I crept down the back-stairs to the kitchen, where she was. She had turned down the gas, and was in her chair by the fire fast asleep, as I could tell by her breathing, but the moment I struck a match she awoke.
I expected a great yelling and screaming, but nothing of the sort took place. She bounced out of her seat with a “You villain!” on her lips, seized a chair by the back, and before I had made a move she hit me over the head, forcing me to my knees. I tried to get up, tried to explain who I was, but in vain. Before I could get out of the room she struck me again, and it was only after I had tumbled up the back-stairs that she gave the alarm. Then she came up to my room, rapped at the door, and coolly announced:
“Mr. ——, please get up. I’ve killed a burglar.”
44. Moral Suasion
“What are your usual modes of punishment?” was among the questions submitted to a teacher in rural district in Ohio. Her answer was, “I try moral suasion first, and if that does not work I use capital punishment.”
As it was a neighborhood where moral suasion had not been a success, and the children were scarce the committee took no risks.
45. Cute Boy
The teacher in geography was putting the class through a few simple tests:
“On which side of the earth is the North Pole?” he inquired.
“On the north side,” came the unanimous answer.
“On which side is the South Pole?”
“On the south side?”
“Now, on which side are the most people?”
This was a poser, and nobody answered. Finally, a very young scholar held up his hand.
“I know,” he said, hesitatingly, as if the excess of his knowledge was too much for him.
“Good for you,” said the teacher, encouragingly; “tell the class on which side the most people are.”
“On the outside,” piped the youngster, and whatever answer the teacher had in her mind was lost in the shuffle.
46. Perplexed
Bob—“Hello! I’m awfully glad to see you!” Dick—“I guess there must be some mistake. I don’t owe you anything, and I am not in a condition to place you in a position to owe me anything!”
47. Ben Franklin’s Oysters
Benjamin Franklin was not unlike other boys in his love for sophomoric phrases. It is related that one day he told his father that he had swallowed some acephalus molluscus, which so alarmed him that he shrieked for help. The mother came in with warm water, and forced half a gallon down Benjamin’s throat with the garden pump, then held him upside down, the father saying, “If we don’t get those things out of Bennie he’ll be poisoned sure.” When Benjamin was allowed to get his breath he explained that the articles referred to were oysters. His father was so indignant that he whipped him for an hour for frightening the family. Franklin never afterward used a word with two syllables when a monosyllable would do.
48. Family Affairs
“Newlywed seems to find particular delight in parading his little family affairs before the eyes of his acquaintances,” “Does he? What are they? Scandals?” “Nop, twins.”
49. A Burglar’s Experience
A New York paper prints this extract from the reminiscences of a retired burglar:
“I think about the most curious man I ever met,” said the retired burglar, “I met in a house in eastern Connecticut, and I shouldn’t know him, either, if I should meet him again unless I should hear him speak. It was so dark where I met him that I never saw him at all. I had looked around the house down-stairs, and actually hadn’t seen a thing worth carrying off. It was the poorest house I ever was in, and it wasn’t a bad-looking house on the outside, either. I got up-stairs and groped around a little, and finally turned into a room that was darker than Egypt. I had not gone more than three steps in this room when I heard a man say:
“‘Hello, there.’
“‘Hello,’ says I.
“‘Who are you?’ says the man; ‘burglar?’
“And I said yes; I did do something in that line occasionally.
“‘Miserable business to be in, ain’t it?’ said the man. His voice came from a bed over in the corner of the room, and I knew he hadn’t even sat up.
“And I said, ‘Well, I dunno. I got to support my family some way.’
“‘Well, you’ve just wasted a night here,’ says the man. ‘Did you see anything down-stairs worth stealing?’
“And I said no, I hadn’t.
“‘Well, there’s less up-stairs,’ says the man; and then I heard him turn over and settle down to go to sleep again. I’d like to have gone over there and kicked him, but I didn’t. It was getting late, and I thought, all things considered, that I might just as well let him have his sleep out.”
50. Hitting a Lawyer
“Have you had a job to-day, Tim?” inquired a well-known legal gentleman of the equally well-known, jolly, florid-faced old drayman, who, rain or shine, summer or winter, is rarely absent from his post.
“Bedad, I did, sor.”
“How many?”
“Only two, sor.”
“How much did you get for both?”
“Sivinty cints, sor.”
“Seventy cents! How in the world do you expect to live and keep a horse on seventy cents a day?”
“Some days I have half a dozen jobs, sor. But bizness has been dull to-day, sor. On’y the hauling of a thrunk for a gintilman for forty cints an’ a load av furniture for thirty cints; an’ there was the pots an’ the kittles, an’ there’s no telling phat; a big load, sor.”
“Do you carry big loads of household goods for thirty cents?”
“She was a poor widdy, sor, an’ had no more to give me. I took all she had, sor; an’ bedad, sor, a lyyer could have done no better nor that, sor.”
51. Cutting Short a Prayer
Many a spiritual history is condensed into a miniature in the following:
Two fishermen—Jamie and Sandy—belated and befogged on a rough water, were in some trepidation lest they should never get ashore again. At last Jamie said:
“Sandy, I’m steering, and I think you’d better put up a bit of a prayer.”
Sandy said: “I don’t know how.”
Jamie said: “If you don’t I’ll just chuck ye overboard.”
Sandy began: “O Lord, I never asked onything of Ye for fifteen year, and if Ye’ll only get us safe back I’ll never trouble Ye again.”
“Whist, Sandy,” said Jamie, “the boat’s touched shore; don’t be beholden to onybody.”
52. Unremitting Kindness
Jerrold was asked if he considered a man kind who remitted no funds to his family when away. “Oh! yes. Unremitting kindness,” said he.
53. Amusing Blunder
One of the passengers on board the ill-fated “Metis” at the time of the disaster was an exceedingly nervous man, who, while floating in the water, imagined how his friends would acquaint his wife of his fate. Saved at last, he rushed to the telegraph office and sent this message: “Dear P——, I am saved. Break it gently to my wife.”
54. Compliment to a Lady
[How nicely this might fit into a ladies’ party.]
Sidney Smith, the cultivated writer and divine, who, when describing his country residence, declared that he lived twelve miles from a lemon, was told by a beautiful girl that a certain pea in his garden would never come to perfection. “Permit me then,” said he, taking her by the hand, “to lead perfection to the pea.”
55. Too Slim
[The great evil of mixing religion and politics are well set forth in the following incident:]
“Gabe,” said the governor to an old colored man, “I understand that you have been ousted from your position of Sunday-school superintendent.”
“Yes, sah, da figured aroun’ till da got me out. II was all a piece of political work, though; and I doan see why de law of de lan’ doan prevent de Sunday-schools an’ churches from takin’ up political matters!”
“How did politics get you out?”
“Yer see, some time ago, when I was a candidate for justice ob de peace, I gin’ a barbecue ter some ob my frien’s. De udder day da brung up de fack an’ ousted me.”
“I don’t see why the fact that you gave a barbecue to your friends should have caused any trouble.”
“Neider does myse’f, boss; but yer see da said dat I stole de hogs what I barbecued. De proof wa’nt good, an’ I think dat da done wrong in ackin’ upon sech slim testimony. Da said dat I cotch de hogs in a corn fid’. I know dat wan’t true, ’case it was a wheat fid’ whar I cotch ’em.”
56. A Fast-Day Toast
On one of the fast-days—a cold, bleak one, too—Father Foley, a popular and genial priest, on his way from a distant visitation, dropped in to see Widow O’Brien, who was as jolly as himself, and equally as fond of the creature comforts, and, what is better, well able to provide them. As it was about dinner-time, his reverence thought he would stay and have a “morsel” with the old dame; but what was his horror to see served up in good style a pair of splendid roast ducks!
“Oh! musha, Mistress O’Brien, what have ye there?” he exclaimed, in well-feigned surprise.
“Ducks, yer riverence.”
“Ducks! roast ducks! and this a fast-day of the holy Church!”
“Wisha! I never thought of that; but why can’t we eat a bit of duck, yer riverence?”
“Why? Because the Council of Trint won’t lave us—that’s why.”
“Well, well, now, but I’m sorry fur that, fur I can only give ye a bite of bread and cheese and a glass of something hot. Would that be any harrum, sir?”
“Harrum! by no manes, woman. Sure we must live any way, and bread and cheese is not forbid!”
“Nayther whiskey punch?”
“Nayther that.”
“Well, thin, yer riverence, would it be any harrum fur me to give a toast?”
“By no manes, Mrs. O’Brien. Toast away as much as ye like, bedad!”
“Well, thin, here’s to the Council of Trint, fur if it keeps us from atin’, it doesn’t keep us from drinkin’!”
57. The Sun Standing Still
James Russell Lowell, when concluding an after-dinner speech in England, made a happy hit by introducing the story of a Methodist preacher at a camp-meeting, of whom he had heard when he was young. He was preaching on Joshua ordering the sun to stand still: “My hearers,” he said, “there are three motions of the sun; the first is the straightforward or direct motion of the sun, the second is the retrograde or backward motion of the sun, and the third is the motion mentioned in our text—‘the sun stood still.’ Now, gentlemen, I do not know whether you see the application of that story to after-dinner oratory. I hope you do. The after-dinner orator at first begins and goes straight forward—that is the straightforward motion of the sun; next he goes back and begins to repeat himself a little, and that is the retrograde or backward motion of the sun; and at last he has the good sense to bring himself to an end, and that is the motion mentioned in our text of the sun standing still.”
58. Neutralizing Poison
Col. John H. George, a New Hampshire barrister, tells a good story on himself. Meeting an old farmer recently whom he had known in his youth, the old fellow congratulated the Colonel on his youthful appearance.
“How is it you’ve managed to keep so fresh and good-looking all these years?” quoth he.
“Well,” said George, “I’ll tell you. I’ve always drank new rum and voted the Democratic ticket.”
“Oh! yes,” said the old man, “I see how it is; one pizen neutralizes the other!”
59. General Butler and the Spoons
While General Butler was delivering a speech in Boston during an exciting political campaign, one of his hearers cried out: “How about the spoons, Ben?” Benjamin’s good eye twinkled merrily as he looked bashfully at the audience, and said: “Now, don’t mention that, please. I was a Republican when I stole those spoons.”
60. Making Most of One’s Capital
[One should always make the most of his capital, as this orator did.]
“Fellow-citizens, my competitor has told you of the services he rendered in the late war. I will follow his example, and I shall tell you of mine. He basely insinuates that I was deaf to the voice of honor in that crisis. The truth is, I acted a humble part in that memorable contest. When the tocsin of war summoned the chivalry of the country to rally to the defense of the nation, I, fellow-citizens, animated by that patriotic spirit that glows in every American’s bosom, hired a substitute for that war, and the bones of that man, fellow-citizens, now lie bleaching in the valley of the Shenandoah!”
61. Meeting Half-Way
[But the following man could get even more out of an unpromising situation.]
“Now, I want to know,” said a man whose veracity had been questioned by an angry acquaintance, “just why you call me a liar. Be frank, sir; for frankness is a golden-trimmed virtue. Just as a friend, now, tell me why you called me a liar.”
“Called you a liar because you are a liar,” the acquaintance replied.
“That’s what I call frankness. Why, sir, if this rule were adopted over half of the difficulties would be settled without trouble, and in our case there would have been trouble but for our willingness to meet each other half-way.”
62. Unfortunate Mistake
Judge ——, who is now a very able Judge of the Supreme Court of one of the great States of this Union, when he first “came to the bar,” was a very blundering speaker. On one occasion, when he was trying a case of replevin, involving the right of property to a lot of hogs, he addressed the jury as follows:
“Gentlemen of the jury, there were just twenty-four hogs in that drove—just twenty-four, gentlemen—exactly twice as many as there are in that jury-box!” The effect can be imagined.
63. Taken at His Word
A pretentious person said to the leading man of a country village, “How would a lecture by me on Mount Vesuvius suit the inhabitants of your village?” “Very well, sir; very well, indeed,” he answered; “a lecture by you on Mount Vesuvius would suit them a great deal better than a lecture by you in this village.”
64. Bragging Veterans
In warning veterans against exaggerating, a gentleman at a Washington banquet related the following anecdote of a Revolutionary veteran, who, having outlived nearly all his comrades, and being in no danger of contradiction, rehearsed his experience thuswise: “In that fearful day at Monmouth, although entitled to a horse, I fought on foot. With each blow I severed an Englishman’s head from his body, until a huge pile of heads lay around me, great pools of blood on either side, and my shoes were so full of the same dreadful fluid that my feet slipped beneath me. Just then I felt a touch upon my shoulder, and, looking up, who should I behold but the great and good Washington himself! Never shall I forget the majesty and dignity of his presence, as, pressing his hand upon me, he said, ‘My young friend, restrain yourself, and for heaven’s sake do not make a slaughter-house of yourself.’”
65. Exchanging Minds
Heinrich Heine, the German poet, apologizing for feeling dull after a visit from a professor said: “I am afraid you find me very stupid. The fact is, Dr. —— called upon me this morning, and we exchanged our minds.”
66. Buying a Lawyer
[The willingness to pay full value for an article is a trait of character always appreciated.]
Lawyer B—— called at the office of Counselor F——, who has had considerable practice in bankruptcy, and said: “See here, F——, I want to know what the practice is in such and such a case in bankruptcy.”
F——, straightening himself up and looking as wise as possible, replied: “Well, Mr. B——, I generally get paid for telling what I know.”
B—— put his hand into his pocket, drew forth half a dollar, handed it to F——, and said: “Here, tell me all you know, and give me the change.”
67. Would Not Save It
In the old town of W——, in the Pine-tree State, lived one of those unfortunate lords of creation who had, in not a very long life, put on mourning for three departed wives. But time assuages heart-wounds, as well as those of the flesh. In due time a fourth was inaugurated mistress of his heart and house. He was a very prudent man, and suffered nothing to be wasted. When the new mistress was putting things in order, while cleaning up the attic she came across a long piece of board, and was about launching it out of the window, when little Sadie interposed, and said: “Oh! don’t, mamma! that is the board papa lays out his wives on, and he wants to save it!” Nevertheless, out it went.
68. Widow Outwitted
In a Western village a charming, well-preserved widow had been courted and won by a physician. She had children. The wedding-day was approaching, and it was time the children should know they were to have a new father. Calling one of them to her, she said: “Georgie, I am going to do something before long that I would like to talk about with you.”
“Well, ma, what is it!”
“I am intending to marry Dr. Jones in a few days, and—”
“Bully for you, ma! Does Dr. Jones know it?”
Ma caught her breath, but failed to articulate a response.
69. Too Kind
[Where can we find a more touching manifestation of mutual benevolence than the following.]
In New Jersey reside two gentlemen, near neighbors and bosom friends, one a clergyman, Dr. B——, the other a “gentleman of means” named Wilson. Both were passionately fond of music, and the latter devoted many of his leisure hours to the study of the violin. One fine afternoon our clerical friend was in his study, deeply engaged in writing, when there came along one of those good-for-nothing little Italian players, who planted himself under his study window, and, much to his annoyance, commenced scraping away on a squeaky fiddle. After trying in vain for about fifteen minutes to collect his scattered thoughts, the Doctor descended to the piazza in front of the house, and said to the boy:
“Look here, sonny, you go over and play awhile for Mr. Wilson. Here is ten cents. He lives in that big white house over yonder. He plays the violin, and likes music better than I do.”
“Well,” said the boy, taking the “stamp,” “I would, but he just gave me ten cents to come over and play for you!”
70. Not Fooled Twice
San Francisco boasts of a saloon called the Bank Exchange, where the finest wines and liquors are dispensed at twenty-five cents a glass, with lunches thrown in free. A plain-looking person went in one morning and called for a brandy cocktail, and wanted it strong. Mr. Parker, as is usual with him, was very considerate, and mixed the drink in his best style, setting it down for his customer. After the cocktail had disappeared the man leaned over the bar and said that he had no change about him then, but would have soon, when he would pay for the drink. Parker politely remarked that he should have mentioned the fact before he got the drink; when his customer remarked: “I tried that on yesterday morning with one of your men, but he would not let me have the whiskey, so you could not play that dodge on me again!” This was too good for Parker, and he told the customer he was welcome to his drink, and was entitled to his hat in the bargain, if he wanted it.
71. Biting Sarcasm
Standing on the steps at the entrance to one of the grand hotels at Saratoga, a young gentleman, in whom the “dude” species was strongly developed, had been listening with eager attention to the bright things which fell from the lips of the well-known wit and orator, Emory A. Storrs.
At last our exquisite exclaimed: “Er—Mr. Storrs,—I—er—wish, oh! how I—er—wish! that I had your—er—cheek.”
Mr. Storrs instantly annihilated him with: “It is a most fortunate dispensation of Providence that you have not. For, with my cheek and your brains, you would be kicked down these steps in no time!”
72. Incorrigible Neighbor
A lady in California had a troublesome neighbor, whose cattle overrun her ranch, causing much damage. The lady bore the annoyance patiently, hoping that some compunction would be felt for the damage inflicted. At last she caught a calf which was making havoc in her garden, and sent it home with a child, saying, “Tell Mrs. A. that the calf has eaten nearly everything in the garden, and I have scarcely a cabbage left.”
The feelings of the injured lady may be imagined when she received this reply: “The cabbage nearly all eaten! Well, I must get over and borrow some before it is all gone!”
73. Disgusted Officer
Some years since a party of Indians drove off all the live-stock at Fort Lancaster. A few days afterward Captain —— was passing through the post, and stopped a couple of days for rest. While there an enthusiastic officer took him out to show him the trail of the bad Indians, how they came, which way they went, etc. After following the trail for some distance the Captain turned to his guide and exclaimed: “Look here; if you want to find any Indians, you can find them; I haven’t lost any, and am going back to camp.”
74. Irate Prisoner
A man arrested for stealing chickens was brought to trial. The case was given to the jury, who brought him in guilty, and the judge sentenced him to three months’ imprisonment. The jailer was a jovial man, fond of a smile, and feeling particularly good on that particular day, considered himself insulted when the prisoner looking around his cell told him it was dirty, and not fit for a hog to be put in. One word brought on another, till finally the jailer told the prisoner if he did not behave himself he would put him out. To which the prisoner replied: “I will give you to understand, sir, I have as good a right here as you have!”
75. Truthful Prisoner
The eccentric old King of Prussia, father of Frederick the Great, while visiting the Potsdam prison, was much interested in the professions of innocence the prisoners made. Some blamed their conviction on the prejudice of judges; others, upon the perjury of witnesses or the tricks of bad companions. At length he accosted a sturdy, closely-fettered prisoner with the remark, “I suppose you are innocent, too.”
“No, your Majesty,” was the unexpected response. “I am guilty, and richly deserve all I get.”
“Here, you turnkey,” thundered the monarch, “come and turn out this rascal, quick, before he corrupts this fine lot of innocent and abused people that you have about you.”
76. Ruling Passion
There are persons now living in Bennington who remember old Billy B——, of whom it might be said he furnished an example of the “ruling passion strong in death.” When very ill, and friends were expecting an early demise, his nephew and a man hired for the occasion had butchered a steer which had been fattened; and when the job was completed the nephew entered the sick-room, where a few friends were assembled, when, to the astonishment of all, the old man opened his eyes, and turning his head slightly, said, in a full voice, drawing out the words:
“What have you been doing?”
“Killing the steer,” was the reply.
“What did you do with the hide?”
“Left it in the barn; going to sell it by-and-by.”
“Let the boys drag it around the yard a couple of times; it will make it weigh heavier.”
And the good old man was gathered unto his fathers.
77. Bad Speculation
[This is told of bears, rattlesnakes, etc., as well as Indians.]
At a recent festive occasion a gentleman who was making a few remarks was repeatedly interrupted by another one of the company. He bore it patiently at first, but finally said that it reminded him of a story he had heard. He said that a man, whom business had called away a short distance from his home in the city, thought he would pay his way back again by purchasing a number of hogs and driving them home. He did so, but when he and the hogs arrived at their destination the market for the latter had fallen considerably in price, and the hogs had also lost weight on the journey. It was remarked to him that he had made rather a bad speculation. “Yes—well, yes,” he answered reflectively. “Yes—but then, you see, I had their company all the way!”
78. Satisfied With His Situation
[The following may not be strictly true, but it well illustrates that there is always a lower depth in misfortune, and—that Western roads are often somewhat muddy.]
Some years ago, when riding along one of the almost impassable roads in the far West, I observed a dark-looking object lying in the middle of the road, and my natural curiosity impelled me to dismount and examine it. It proved to be a hat, somewhat muddy and dilapidated, but emphatically a hat. On lifting it up, to my surprise I found that it covered a head—a human head—which protruded sufficiently out of the mud to be recognizable as such. I ventured to address the evidently wide-awake head, and remarked that it seemed to be in a pretty bad sort of a fix.
“Wa’al, yes!” the lips replied; “you’re about right thar, stranger; but then I ain’t anyway near as bad off as the horse that’s under me!”
79. A Good Word for the Devil
A conference preacher one day went into the house of a Wesleyan Reformer, and saw the portraits of three expelled ministers suspended from the walls.
“What!” said he, “have you got them hanging there?”
“Oh! yes,” was the answer; “they are there.”
“Ah! well; but one is wanted to complete the set.”
“Pray, who is that?”
“Why, the devil, to be sure.”
“Ah!” said the Reformer, “but he is not yet expelled from the Conference.”
80. Marrying a Widow
In Cadiz, Ohio, a preacher was summoned to the hotel to make an expectant couple one. In the course of the preliminary inquiries the groom was asked if he had been married before, and admitted that he had been—three times. “And is this lady a widow,” was also asked, but he responded promptly and emphatically, “No, sir; I never marry widows.”
81. A Good Sale
Several years ago there resided in Saratoga County a lawyer of considerable ability and reputation, but of no great culture, who had an unusually fine taste in paintings and engravings—the only evidence of refinement he ever exhibited. A clergyman of the village in which he lived, knowing his fondness for such things, introduced to him an agent of a publishing house in the city who was issuing a pictorial Bible in numbers. The specimen of the style of work exhibited to the lawyer was a very beautiful one, and he readily put down his name for a copy. But in the progress of the publication the character of the engravings rapidly deteriorated, much to the disgust of the enlightened lawyer. The picture of Joseph, very indifferently done, provoked him beyond endurance, and seizing several of the numbers he sallied forth to reproach the parson for leading him into such a bad bargain. “Look at these wretched scratches,” said he, turning the pages over, “and see how I have been imposed upon! Here is a portrait of Joseph, whom his brethren sold to the Egyptians for twenty pieces of silver; and let me tell you, parson, if Joseph looked like that it was a mighty good sale!”
82. Triumphs of Medicine
A priest was called upon by a superstitious parishioner, who asked him to do something for her sick cow. He disclaimed knowing anything about such matters, but could not put her off. She insisted that if he would only say some words over the cow, the animal would surely recover. Worn out with importunity, he seized his book in desperation, walked around the four-legged patient several times, repeating in a sonorous voice the Latin words, which mean, “If you die, you die; and if you live, you live,” and rushed off disgusted. But the woman was delighted, and sooth to say the cow quickly recovered.
But in time the good man himself was taken sick, and grew rapidly worse. His throat was terribly swollen, and all medical aid was exhausted. The word passed around the parish that the priest must die. When Bridget heard the peril of her favorite pastor she was inspired by a mighty resolve. She hurried to the sick-room, entered against the protest of the friends who were weeping around, and with out a word to any one with her strong hands dragged his reverence’s bed to the middle of the floor, and with the exact copy of his very gestures and voice marched around the bed, repeating the sonorous and well-remembered Latin phrase, “If you die, you die; and if you live, you live.” The priest fell into a fit of uncontrollable laughter, and in his struggle for breath and self-control the gathering in his throat broke and his life was saved!
Mighty are the triumphs of medicine!
83. Tit for Tat
An old fellow in a neighboring town, who is original in all things, especially in excessive egotism, and who took part in the late war, was one day talking to a crowd of admiring listeners, and boasting of his many bloody exploits, when he was interrupted by the question:
“I say, old Joe, how many of the enemy did you kill during the war?”
“How many did I kill sir? how many enemies did I kill? Well, I don’t know just ’zactly how many; but I know this much—I killed as many o’ them as they did o’ me!”
84. Sleeping on Top
During a homeward trip of the “Henry Chauncey,” from Aspinwall, the steerage passengers were so numerous as to make them uncomfortable. As for sleeping accommodation, it was aptly described by a Californian, who approached the captain, and said:
“I should like to have a sleeping-berth, if you please.”
“Why, where have you been sleeping these last two nights since we left?”
“Wa’al, I’ve been sleeping a-top of a sick man; but he’s better now, and won’t stand it no longer!”
85. Sambo and the Lawyer
In a Macon (Ga.) court the other day a lawyer was cross-examining a negro witness, and was getting along fairly well until he asked the witness what his occupation was. “I’se a carpenter, sah.” “What kind of a carpenter?” “They calls me a jackleg carpenter, sah.” “What is a jackleg carpenter?” “He is a carpenter who is not a first-class carpenter, sah.” “Well, explain fully what you understand a jackleg carpenter to be,” insisted the lawyer. “Boss, I declare I dunno how ter splain any mo’ ’cept to say hit am jes’ the same difference ’twixt you an’ a fust-class lawyer.”
86. Sixty-Cent Nap
On board a train in the West an eccentric preacher wanted a sleeping-berth, but had only sixty cents, while the lowest price was a dollar. Naturally he did not get on very fast with the porter; but after wearing out the patience of that functionary in vain efforts to stretch the sixty cents, the conductor was sent for. All proposals to borrow, to pledge an old Waterbury watch, and other financial expedients failed; but the circle was squared when the preacher said, “I’ll lie down, and when I have slept sixty cents worth, you send that bed-shaker to rout me out.” The procession started for the sleeper amid the hilarity of the passengers, but the tradition is that he slept the whole night through and far into the morning.
87. Preferred to Walk
A great traveler once found himself on the shore of the Sea of Galilee. He was at once beset by boatmen, who wanted to take him out to sail on the waters where Christ had walked. He yielded to their importunities, and returned to the shore in about an hour. But his devout meditations were greatly disturbed when he was told that the charge was $10. With energy he declared that it was robbery, that it was not worth so much to sail all over their little lake, and demanded, “What makes you charge so dreadfully?” “Why,” said the innocent boatman, “because dese ese de lake were de Saviour walked on de water.” “Walked! walked! did He? Well, if the boatmen of that day charged as you fellows do, I should think He would walk.”
88. Horace Greeley’s Joke
On one occasion a person, who wished to have a little fun at the expense of his constituency, said in a group where Horace Greeley was standing: “Mr. Greeley and I, gentlemen, are old friends. We have drunk a good deal of brandy and water together.” “Yes,” said Mr. Greeley, “that is true enough. You drank the brandy, and I drank the water.”
89. Doctors and Deadheads
Fifty years ago the principal avenue of Detroit had a toll-gate close to the entrance of the Elmwood Cemetery road. As this cemetery had been laid out some time previous to the construction of the plank road, it was arranged that all funeral processions should be allowed to pass along the latter toll-free. One day as a well-known physician stopped to pay his toll, he observed to the gate-keeper:
“Considering the benevolent character of our profession, I think you ought to let physicians pass free of charge.”
“No, no, doctor,” replied the man; “we can’t afford that. You send too many ‘deadheads’ through here as it is.”
The story traveled, and the two words became associated.
90. Booming a Town
They tell a story of a man who came into Omaha one day, and wanted to trade his farm for some city lots. “All right,” replied the real-estate agent, “get into my buggy, and I’ll drive you out to see some of the finest residence sites in the world—water, sewers, paved streets, cement sidewalks, electric light, shade trees, and all that sort of thing,” and away they drove four or five miles into the country. The real-estate agent expatiated upon the beauty of the surroundings, the value of the improvements made and projected, the convenience of the location, the ease and speed with which people who lived there could reach town, and the certainty of an active demand for such lots in the immediate future. Then, when he was breathless, he turned to his companion, and asked:
“Where’s your farm?”
“We passed it coming out here,” was the reply. “It’s about two miles nearer town.”
91. Athletic Nurse
Young Wife—“Why, dear, you were the stroke oar at college, weren’t you?”
Young Husband—“Yes, love.”
“And a prominent member of the gymnastic class?”
“I was leader.”
“And quite a hand at all athletic exercises?”
“Quite a hand? My gracious! I was champion walker, the best runner, the head man at lifting heavy weights, and as for carrying—why, I could shoulder a barrel of flour and—”
“Well, love, just please carry the baby for a couple of hours, I’m tired.”
92. Too Premature
[Anything rather premature may be illustrated by the following:]
A spring bird that had taken time by the forelock flew across the lawn near this city one day last week. His probable fate is best described in this pathetic verse, author unknown:
“The first bird of spring
Essayed for to sing;
But ere he had uttered a note
He fell from the limb,
A dead bird was him,
The music had friz in his throat.”
93. A Bewildered Irishman
The poet Shelley tells an amusing story of the influence that language “hard to be understood” exercises on the vulgar mind. Walking near Covent Garden, London, he accidentally jostled against an Irish navvy, who, being in a quarrelsome mood, seemed inclined to attack the poet. A crowd of ragged sympathizers began to gather, when Shelley, calmly facing them, deliberately pronounced:
“I have put my hand into the hamper, I have looked on the sacred barley, I have eaten out of the drum. I have drunk and am well pleased. I have said, ‘Knox Ompax,’ and it is finished.”
The effect was magical, the astonished Irishman fell back; his friends began to question him. “What barley?” “Where’s the hamper?” “What have you been drinking?” and Shelley walked away unmolested.
94. Obeying Orders
When General Sickles, after the second battle of Bull Run, assumed command of a division of the Army of the Potomac, he gave an elaborate farewell dinner to the officers of his old Excelsior Brigade.
“Now, boys, we will have a family gathering,” he said to them, as they assembled in his quarters. Pointing to the table, he continued: “Treat it as you would the enemy.”
As the feast ended, an Irish officer was discovered by Sickles in the act of stowing away three bottles of champagne in his saddle-bags.
“What are you doing, sir,” gasped the astonished General.
“Obeying orders, sir,” replied the captain, in a firm voice: “You told us to treat the dinner as we would the enemy, and you know, General, what we can’t kill we capture.”
95. A Speech From the Rear Platform
An Irish street-car conductor called out shrilly to the passengers standing in the aisle:
“Will thim in front plaze to move up, so that thim behind can take the places of thim in front, an’ lave room for thim who are nayther in front nor behind?”
96. A Way Out of It
“What’s the matter with you,” asked a gentleman of a friend whom he met. “You looked puzzled and worried.”
“I am,” said the friend. “Maybe you can help me out”
“Well, what is it?”
“I am subject at intervals,” said the friend, “to the wildest craving for beefsteak and onions. It has all the characteristics of a confirmed drunkard’s craving for rum. This desire came upon me a few minutes ago, and I determined to gratify it. Then suddenly I remembered that I had promised to call this evening on some ladies, and I must keep that promise. Yet my stomach is shouting for beefsteak and onions, and I am wavering between duty and appetite.”
“Can’t you wait until after the call?” asked the gentleman, solicitously.
“Never,” said the friend, earnestly.
“Can’t you postpone the call?”
“Impossible,” declared the friend.
“Well,” said the gentleman, “I’ll tell you what to do: go to John Chamberlin’s café; order your beefsteak and onions, and eat them. When you get your bill it will be so big that it will quite take your breath away.”
97. The Extent of Science
“And now,” said the learned lecturer on geology who had addressed a small but deeply attentive audience at the village hall, “I have tried to make these problems, abstruse as they may appear, and involving in their solution the best thoughts, the closest analysis, and the most profound investigations of our noblest scientific men for many years; I have tried, I say, to make them seem comparatively simple and easily understood, in the light of modern knowledge. Before I close this lecture I shall be glad to answer any questions that may occur to you as to points that appear to need clearing up or that may have been overlooked.”
There was a silence of a few moments, and then an anxious-looking man in the rear of the hall rose up.
“I would take it as a favor,” he said, “if you could tell me whether science has produced as yet any reliable and certain cure for warts.”
98. What’s in a Name?
One of the managers of a home for destitute colored children tells a funny story about the institution. She went out there to see how things were getting along, and found a youngster as black as the inside of a coal mine tied to a bed-post, with his hands behind him.
“What is that boy tied up there for?” she demanded of the attendant.
“For lying, ma’am. He is the worstist, lyingest nigger I ever seen.”
“What’s his name?
“George Washington, ma’am,” was the paralyzing reply.
99. Still Room for Research
“What is this new substance I hear so much about?” asked the eminent scientist’s wife.
“What new substance, my dear?”
“The element in the air that has just been detected.”
“Oh! that, my dear,” he answered, beaming over his spectacles with the good nature of superior wisdom, “is known as argon!”
“Oh!”
“Yes; its discovery is one of the most remarkable triumphs of the age. It has revolutionized some of the old theories, or at least it will revolutionize them before it gets through.”
“What is it?”
“It’s—er—a—did you say, what is it?”
“I said that.”
“Well—ahem—you see, we haven’t as yet discovered much about it except its name.”
100. He Was “‘Piscopal”
An Episcopal clergyman passing his vacation in Indiana met an old farmer who declared that he was a “’Piscopal.”
“To what parish do you belong?” asked the clergyman.
“Don’t know nawthin’ ’bout enny parish,” was the answer.
“Well, then,” continued the clergyman, “what diocese do you belong to?”
“They ain’t nawthin’ like that ’round here,” said the farmer.
“Who confirmed you, then?” was the next question.
“Nobody,” answered the farmer.
“Then how are you an Episcopalian?” asked the clergyman.
“Well,” was the reply, “you see it’s this way: Last winter I went down to Arkansas visitin’, and while I was there I went to church, and it was called ’Piscopal, and I he’rd them say ‘that they left undone the things what they’d oughter done and they had done some things what they oughten done,’ and I says to myself, says I: ‘That’s my fix exac’ly, and ever since I considered myself a ’Piscopalian.”
The clergyman shook the old fellow’s hand, and laughingly said:
“Now I understand, my friend, why the membership of our church is so large.”
101. Johnny’s Excuse
A little girl brought a note to her school-teacher one morning, which read as follows. “Dear teacher, please excuse Johnny for not coming to school today. He is dead.” Johnny was excused.