The Miracle of Saint Anthony
The entrance-hall of a large old-fashioned house. Front-door on the left. At the back, a few steps with on the left a glass door with lace curtains, leading to the dining-room, and on the right a fair of folding glass doors, also with lace curtains, leading to the drawing-room. Against the wall, a leather-covered bench, one or two wooden stools and an umbrella-stand with hats and coats on it.
The curtain rises on Virginie, the old servant. Her skirts are pinned up, showing her bare legs and sabots; she is surrounded with brass pails, swabbing-cloths, brooms and scrubbing-brushes and is busily washing the flagstones composing the floor. She stops working from time to time, blows her nose noisily and wipes away a big tear.
There is a ring at the front-door. Virginie half opens it, revealing on the threshold a long lean old man, barefoot, bareheaded, with tangled hair and beard, and clad in a sort of frieze habit of faded brown, muddy, out of shape and patched.
Virginie
(Holding the door ajar.) This is the thirty-sixth time that I’ve been to the door.... Another beggar! Well, what is it?
Saint Anthony
Let me in.
Virginie
No, you’re all over mud. Stay there. What do you want?
Saint Anthony
I want to come in.
Virginie
What for?
Saint Anthony
To bring Mademoiselle Hortense back to life.
Virginie
Bring Mademoiselle Hortense back to life? Get out! Who are you?
Saint Anthony
Saint Anthony.
Virginie
Of Padua?
Saint Anthony
The same. (His halo lights up and shines.)
Virginie
Lord bless me, it’s true! (She opens the door wide, falls on her knees and mutters a prayer, with her hands folded over the handle of her broom, after which she kisses the hem of the Saint’s habit and continues, in a mechanical and bewildered sing-song.) Saint Anthony, pray for us! Blessed Saint Anthony, look down upon us! Saint Anthony, pray for us!
Saint Anthony
Shut the door.
Virginie
(Gets up crossly.) Wipe your feet on the mat. (Saint Anthony wipes them awkwardly.) No, that won’t do: rub them hard, rub them hard. (She closes the front door.)
Saint Anthony
(Pointing to the folding-doors.) She is laid out in there.
Virginie
(In an astonished voice of delight.) Yes, but how did you know? It’s wonderful! She’s there, in the drawing-room.... The poor dear lady! She was only seventy-seven. That’s no age at all, is it?... She was a very pious and deserving lady, you know. She suffered a great deal.... And she was very rich. They say she’s left two million francs. That’s a lot of money.
Saint Anthony
Yes.
Virginie
It all goes to her two nephews, Monsieur Gustave and Monsieur Achille. And she’s left legacies to the Rector, to the church, to the beadle, to the sacristan, to the poor, to the Curate, to fourteen Jesuits and to all the servants, according to the length of time that they were with her. I get most. I’ve been in her service for thirty-three years, so I shall have three thousand three hundred francs. That’s a good sum.
Saint Anthony
It is.
Virginie
She owed me nothing; she always paid me my wages regularly. You can say what you like, you won’t find many mistresses who would do as much, after they were dead and gone. She was one of the best of women. And we’re burying her to-day.... Everybody has sent flowers. You ought to see the drawing-room. It’s a glorious sight. There are flowers on the bed, on the table, on the chairs, on the piano. And nothing but white flowers: it’s perfectly beautiful. We simply don’t know where to put the wreaths. (A ring at the door. She opens it and returns with two wreaths.) Here are two more. (Examines the wreaths and weighs them in her hands.) Aren’t these lovely? Just hold them a minute till I finish my work. (She gives the wreaths to Saint Anthony, who takes one in each hand obligingly.) They’re taking her to the cemetery this afternoon. Everything has to be nice and clean; and I’ve only time to....
Saint Anthony
Take me to the corpse.
Virginie
Take you to the corpse? Now?
Saint Anthony
Yes.
Virginie
No, it can’t be done. You must wait a bit; they are still at lunch.
Saint Anthony
God bids me hurry; there is no time to lose.
Virginie
What do you want with her?
Saint Anthony
I’ve told you: I want to bring her back to life.
Virginie
You want to bring her back to life? Seriously, do you want to raise her from the dead?
Saint Anthony
Yes.
Virginie
But she’s been dead three days.
Saint Anthony
That’s why I wish to raise her from the dead.
Virginie
For her to live again as before?
Saint Anthony
Yes.
Virginie
But then there won’t be any heirs?
Saint Anthony
Of course not.
Virginie
But what will Monsieur Gustave say?
Saint Anthony
I don’t know.
Virginie
And will she take back the three thousand three hundred francs which she gave me because she was dead?
Saint Anthony
Yes, of course.
Virginie
That’s a nuisance.
Saint Anthony
Have you no other money, no savings?
Virginie
Not a farthing. I have an invalid sister who takes every penny I earn.
Saint Anthony
Well, if you are afraid of losing your three thousand francs....
Virginie
Three thousand three hundred francs....
Saint Anthony
If you’re afraid of losing the money, then I won’t raise her from the dead.
Virginie
Couldn’t I keep the money and you bring her back to life just the same?
Saint Anthony
No, you must take it or leave it. I came down in answer to your prayers: it’s for you to choose.
Virginie
(After a moment’s reflection.) Well, then, bring her back to life all the same. (The Saint’s halo lights up and shines.) What’s the matter with you now?
Saint Anthony
You have pleased me.
Virginie
And then does that lantern thing light up?
Saint Anthony
Yes, of itself.
Virginie
That’s funny.... But don’t stand so near the lace curtains, or you’ll set them on fire.
Saint Anthony
There’s no danger: it’s celestial flame.... Take me to the body.
Virginie
I’ve told you: you must wait. I can’t disturb them now. They’re still at lunch.
Saint Anthony
Who?
Virginie
Why, my masters, of course! The whole family! First her two nephews, Monsieur Gustave and Monsieur Achille, with their wives and children, Monsieur Georges, Monsieur Alberic, Monsieur Alphonse and Monsieur Désiré.... And cousins, male and female, and the Rector and the Doctor and I don’t know who besides: friends and relatives from a distance, whom I’d never seen. They’re very rich people.
Saint Anthony
Really?
Virginie
Did you notice the street?
Saint Anthony
What street?
Virginie
Why, ours, of course! The one in which our house stands.
Saint Anthony
Yes.
Virginie
It’s a handsome street. Well, all the houses on the left-hand side of the street, except the little one at the end, the baker’s shop, belong to Mademoiselle Hortense. Those on the right-hand side are Monsieur Gustave’s. There are twenty houses. That means money.
Saint Anthony
No doubt.
Virginie
(Pointing to the halo.) Look, your lantern thing is going out.
Saint Anthony
(Feeling his halo.) Yes, I’m afraid....
Virginie
Doesn’t it keep burning very long?
Saint Anthony
It all depends upon the thoughts that feed it.
Virginie
Yes, they own woods... and farms... and houses galore! Monsieur Gustave has a starch-factory: Gustave’s Starch, you’ve heard of it, I expect! Oh, they’re an amazingly well-off family. There are four of them who live on their incomes and do no business at all. That’s splendid, that is!... And such friends and acquaintances and tenants!... Well, they’ve all come to the funeral, some of them from ever so far. There’s one, I’m told, who travelled two days and two nights to get here in time. I’ll show him to you: he has a lovely beard.... They’re lunching here. They haven’t finished yet. We can’t disturb them. It’s a great lunch: there are twenty-four of them sitting down to it. And I’ve seen the bill of fare: there’s oysters, two soups, three entrées, crayfish in jelly, and trout à la Schubert. Do you know what that is?
Saint Anthony
No.
Virginie
No more do I. They say it’s very good; but it’s not for you and me. There’s no champagne, because of the mourning; but there’s every other kind of wine. Mademoiselle Hortense had the best cellar in the town. I’ll try and get you a good big glass, if they leave any; then you’ll see the sort of thing.... Wait, I’ll go and look what they’re doing. (She goes up the steps, draws back the curtains and peeps through the glass door on the left.) I think they’re beginning the trout, the trout à la Schubert. Oh, there’s Joseph moving the pine-apple. They’ve a good two hours before them. You’d better take a seat. (Saint Anthony goes to the leather-covered bench and is about to sit down.) No, no, not there, you’re much too dirty! Sit on the stool. I must get on with my work. (Saint Anthony sits down on a stool; Virginie resumes her work and takes up a pail of water.) Look out! Lift up your feet; I’m going to splash the water.... No, don’t stay there; you’re in my way; and it’s not cleaned yet.... Go over there in the corner; push the stool against the wall. (Saint Anthony obediently does as she tells him.) There, now you won’t get your feet wet. Aren’t you hungry?
Saint Anthony
No, thank you, but I’m rather in a hurry; so go and tell your masters.
Virginie
You’re in a hurry? What have you got to do?
Saint Anthony
Two or three miracles.
Virginie
I can’t tell them anything while they’re at lunch. We must wait till they’ve had their coffee. Monsieur Gustave might be very angry.... I don’t know what sort of reception he’ll give you; he doesn’t like having poor people in the house. You don’t look over-prosperous.
Saint Anthony
No, saints are never prosperous.
Virginie
They have money given them, though.
Saint Anthony
Yes, but not everything that’s given to the saints reaches heaven.
Virginie
You don’t mean it? Then do the priests take what we give? I’ve heard it said; but I wouldn’t believe.... There now, I’ve got no water left!... I say!
Saint Anthony
Yes?
Virginie
Do you see a brass tap on your right?
Saint Anthony
Yes.
Virginie
There’s an empty pail beside it. Would you mind filling it for me?
Saint Anthony
With pleasure.
Virginie
You see, I’ll never get all this cleaning done if some one doesn’t help me. And there’s nobody to help me: they’re all losing their heads.... It’s a terrible job, a death in the house! You know that as well as I do. A good thing it doesn’t happen every day.... Monsieur Gustave will make a fuss if everything isn’t clean and shining when his guests come through here.... He’s not easy to please.... And I still have all the brass to do.... There, turn the tap; that’s right.... Bring me the pail.... Aren’t your feet cold? Tuck up your gown or it’ll get wet.... Mind the wreaths; put them on the stool.... That’s right, that’s capital. (Saint Anthony brings her the pail.) Thanks, you’re very kind.... I want one more. (A sound of voices and of chairs being pushed back.) Listen! What’s that? I’ll go and see. (She goes to the glass door.) Hallo, the master has got up! What can it be? Have they quarrelled?... No, the others are eating.... Joseph is filling up the Rector’s glass.... They are finishing the trout.... The master is coming to the door.... Why, I might speak to him as he comes out and tell him that you....
Saint Anthony
Yes, do, please; tell him at once.
Virginie
Very well. Put down the pail; I don’t want it. Here, take this broom. Not like that! You’d better sit down again. (Saint Anthony obeys and sits on the two wreaths lying on the stool.) Hi, what are you doing? You’re sitting on the wreaths!
Saint Anthony
I beg your pardon. I’m a little short-sighted.
Virginie
Clumsy! They’re a pretty sight now! And what Monsieur Gustave will say when he sees those two wreaths!... Thank goodness, they’re not so bad after all! We can put them right. Sit down over there; take them on your knees; and keep quite quiet. (She goes down on her knees before the Saint.) I have a favour to ask you.
Saint Anthony
Speak, don’t be afraid.
Virginie
Give me your blessing, while we are by ourselves. When the company comes out, I shall be sent away; and I sha’n’t see you any more. Give me your blessing for myself alone. I am old and need it badly.
Saint Anthony
(Rises and blesses her. His halo lights up.) I bless you, my daughter, for you are good, simple of heart and mind, faultless, fearless, guileless in the presence of the great mysteries and faithful in the performance of your little duties. Go in peace, my child. Go and tell your masters....
(Exit Virginie. Saint Anthony sits down again on the stool. Presently the glass door opens and Gustave enters, followed by Virginie.)
Gustave
(In a harsh and angry voice.) What’s all this? Who are you? What do you want?
Saint Anthony
(Rising humbly.) I am Saint Anthony.
Gustave
Are you mad?
Saint Anthony
Of Padua.
Gustave
What sort of joke is this? I am in no mood for laughing. Have you been drinking? Come, what are you here for? What do you want?...
Saint Anthony
I want to raise your aunt from the dead.
Gustave
What? Raise my aunt from the dead? (To Virginie.) He’s drunk. Why did you let him in? (To Saint Anthony.) Look here, my man, be sensible: we have no time for jesting. My aunt is to be buried to-day; you can call again to-morrow. Here. Here’s a trifle for you.
Saint Anthony
(With gentle persistence.) I must raise her from the dead to-day.
Gustave
All right, presently, after the ceremony! Come, here’s the door.
Saint Anthony
I shall not leave until I have brought her back to life.
Gustave
(Blazing out.) Look here, I’ve had enough of this! You’re getting tiresome! My guests are waiting for me. (He opens the front-door.) Here’s the door. Look sharp, please!
Saint Anthony
I shall not leave until I have brought her back to life.
Gustave
Oh, won’t you? We’ll see about that. (Opens the glass door and calls out.) Joseph!
Joseph
(Appears in the doorway, with a large steaming dish in his hands.) Yes, sir?
Gustave
(Glancing at the dish.) What’s that?
Joseph
The partridges, sir.
Gustave
Give the dish to Virginie and turn this drunken fellow out of doors. And be quick about it.
Joseph
(Handing Virginie the dish.) Very good, sir. (Going up to the Saint.) Come on, old fellow, didn’t you hear? It’s all very well getting tight; you’ve got to pull yourself together now. Come on! Get out of this! You’d better come quietly, or you’ll regret it: I can be pretty rough when I like. You won’t? You just wait! Open the door, Virginie....
Gustave
Wait, I’ll open it. (Opens the street-door.)
Joseph
That’s it; we’ll soon get rid of him now. (Turning up his sleeves and spitting in his hands.) I’m going to show you what’s what. (He grasps Saint Anthony firmly, with the intention of flinging him into the street. The Saint stands rooted to the spot, Joseph looks nonplussed.) Sir!
Gustave
What’s the matter?
Joseph
I don’t know, sir. He seems fixed. I can’t get him to budge.
Gustave
I’ll help you. (Both of them try to push Saint Anthony out, but he remains immovable. Gustave, in an undertone.) Well, upon my soul! He’s dangerous. Be careful. He has the strength of a Hercules. Let’s try being gentle with him. (To Saint Anthony.) Listen to me, my friend. You understand, don’t you, that, on a day like this, when we’re burying my aunt, my poor dear aunt....
Saint Anthony
I have come to raise her from the dead....
Gustave
But you understand, surely, that this is not the moment.... The partridges are getting cold, the guests are waiting. Besides we are not in the mood for laughing.
Achille
(Appears at the top of the steps, napkin in hand.) What’s the matter, Gustave? What’s up? We’re waiting for the partridges.
Gustave
Our friend here refuses to go away.
Achille
Is he boozed?
Gustave
Well, of course.
Achille
Kick him out and have done with it. I don’t see why our good luncheon should be spoilt for the sake of a dirty drunkard.
Gustave
He won’t go.
Achille
What’s that? Won’t go? We’ll soon see about that!...
Gustave
All right, you try.
Achille
I’m not going to tackle a dirty tramp like him. But there’s Joseph, there’s the coachman.
Gustave
We have tried; it’s no use; and, short of employing absolute violence....
(More Guests appear at the door, most of them with their mouths full, some with their napkins under their arms, others with them tucked under their chins.)
A Guest
What’s it all about?
Another
What are you doing, Gustave?
Another
What does the fellow want?
Another
Where has he sprung from?
Gustave
He won’t go away. It’s another of Virginie’s blunders. As soon as she catches sight of a beggar, she loses her head. It’s really too silly. She let this madman in; and he insists on seeing Aunt Hortense and raising her from the dead.
A Guest
You should send for the police. Why don’t you?
Gustave
No, no; no scandal! I don’t want the police in the house on a day like this.
Achille
(Changing his tone.) Gustave.
Gustave
Well?
Achille
Have you noticed that two or three of the flags are cracked, over there on the left, at the end of the hall?
Gustave
Yes, I know. It doesn’t matter; I’m going to have a mosaic floor to take the place of the flags.
Achille
That’ll look more cheerful....
Gustave
And, better still, more modern. Instead of that door, with the lace curtains, I thought of having a painted window illustrating Hunting, Industry and Progress, with a garland of fruit and game.
Achille
Yes, that will be very nice.
Gustave
As for my office, I intend to have it in there (pointing to the folding-doors), with the clerks’ office opposite.
Achille
When shall you move in?
Gustave
A few days after the funeral. It would not do to come in the very next day.
Achille
No. But meanwhile we must get rid of this chap.
Gustave
He’s made himself quite at home.
Achille
(To Saint Anthony.) Won’t you have a chair?
Saint Anthony
(Naïvely.) No, thank you. I’m not tired.
Achille
Leave him to me. I’ll soon dispose of him. (Approaching the Saint, in a friendly tone.) Come, my friend, tell us who you are.
Saint Anthony
I am Saint Anthony.
Achille
Yes, yes, you’re right. (To the others.) He sticks to it, but he’s quite harmless. (Noticing the Rector among the Guests who have crowded around Saint Anthony and giving him an artful and chaffing look.) And here’s the Rector; he knows you, and wants to pay you his respects. Saints are your business, Father: I know more about ploughs and traction-engines. Here’s an emissary from heaven, Father, great Saint Anthony in person, who would like a word with you. (Under his breath to the Rector.) We want to get him quietly to the door, without letting him know. Once he is outside, good-bye.
The Rector
(In an unctuously paternal tone.) Great Saint Anthony, your humble servant bids you welcome to this world, which you have deigned to honour with your celestial presence. What does your Holiness wish?
Saint Anthony
To raise Mademoiselle Hortense from the dead.
The Rector
It’s true that she’s dead, poor lady! Well, the miracle should present no difficulty to the greatest of our saints. The dear departed had a particular devotion to you. I will take you to her, if your Holiness will be good enough to come with me. (He goes to the street-door and beckons to Saint Anthony.) This way, please.
Saint Anthony
(Pointing to the folding-doors.) No, that way, in there....
The Rector
(Still more unctuously.) Your Holiness will pardon me if I venture to contradict you, but the corpse, because of the influx of visitors, has been removed to the house opposite, which, I may mention, also belonged to the dear departed.
Saint Anthony
(Pointing to the folding-doors.) She is in there.
The Rector
(More and more unctuously.) Let me beg your Holiness, in order to convince yourself to the contrary, to accompany me for a moment into the street, where you will see the candles and the black hangings....
Saint Anthony
(Imperturbably, still pointing to the folding-doors.) That is where I shall go.
A Guest
Did you ever hear any one like him?
Gustave
He’s going a trifle too far.
A Guest
Let us open the door and all of us push him out together.
Gustave
No, no; no scene! He might lose his temper. He’s very dangerous; he’s enormously strong. Keep your hands off him. Joseph and I, who are no weaklings, either of us, couldn’t make him move an inch. It’s funny, but he seems rooted to the soil.
Achille
But who told him that the corpse was in there?
Gustave
Virginie, of course; she’s been babbling for all she’s worth.
Virginie
Me, sir? Excuse me, sir, not me; I was attending to my work. I answered yes and no, nothing else.... Didn’t I, Saint Anthony? (The Saint makes no reply.) Well, can’t you answer when you’re asked a civil question?
Saint Anthony
She did not tell me.
Virginie
There, you see! He’s a saint; he knew it all beforehand. I tell you, there’s nothing he doesn’t know.
Achille
(Going to the Saint and tapping him amicably on the shoulder.) Now then, my fine fellow, come on; put your best foot forward, what!
The Guests
Will he go, or won’t he?
Achille
I have an idea.
Gustave
What’s that?
Achille
Where’s the doctor?
A Guest
He’s still at table; he’s finishing up the trout....
Gustave
(To Joseph.) Go and fetch him. (Exit Joseph.) You’re right, he’s a madman; it’s the doctor’s business. (Enter Joseph and the Doctor.)
The Doctor
(Appears with his mouth full and his napkin tucked under his chin.) What’s up? Is he mad? Is he ill? Is he drunk? (Looking the Saint over.) Why, it’s a beggar! I’m of no use in his case. Well, my friend, are things going badly? Is there something we want?
Saint Anthony
I want to raise Mademoiselle Hortense from the dead.
The Doctor
Ah, I see you’re not a medical man! May I have your hand? (Feels the Saint’s pulse.) Any pain?
Saint Anthony
No.
The Doctor
(Feeling his head and forehead.) And here? Does it hurt when I press my finger?
Saint Anthony
No.
The Doctor
Excellent, excellent! Do you ever feel giddy?
Saint Anthony
Never.
The Doctor
And in the past... no accident, at any time? Let’s have a look at your chest. Say “Ah!” That’s right. Once more; deep breath. Deeper, deeper. That’s right.... And what is it you want, my man?
Saint Anthony
To go into that room.
The Doctor
What for?
Saint Anthony
To raise Mademoiselle Hortense from the dead.
The Doctor
She’s not there.
Saint Anthony
She is there. I see her.
Gustave
He sticks to it.
Achille
Couldn’t you give him a hypodermic injection?
The Doctor
What for?
Achille
To send him to sleep. Then we would put him in the street.
The Doctor
No, no; no nonsense. Besides, it’s dangerous.
Achille
That’s his look out, not ours. We’re not paid to take care of madmen, tramps or drunkards.
The Doctor
Shall I give you my opinion?
Gustave
I wish you would.
The Doctor
We have to do with a madman, a rather feeble-minded and quite harmless monomaniac, who may become dangerous, however, if we thwart him. I know the type.... We are among ourselves; moreover, strange though the experiment which he proposes may seem, it involves no lack of respect for the dear departed.... That being so, I don’t see why, in order to avoid any scandal and since he’s asking such a simple thing, we shouldn’t allow him to go into the room for a moment.
Gustave
Never! What’s the world coming to, if the first person that comes along can force his way like this into a respectable household, under the ridiculous pretext of bringing back to life a dead woman who has never done him any harm?
The Doctor
As you please; it’s for you to decide. On the one hand, you have an inevitable scandal, for nothing will make him give up his idea; on the other, a small concession which costs you nothing.
Achille
The doctor’s right....
The Doctor
There’s nothing to be afraid of. I’ll take the whole responsibility. Besides, we shall all be there and we shall go in with him.
Gustave
Very well, then, let’s have done with it.... But, whatever happens, don’t let this ludicrous incident get about, will you?
Achille
Aunt Hortense’s jewels are put out on the mantelpiece....
Gustave
I know. I’ll keep an eye on them, for I confess that I don’t trust him. (To Saint Anthony.) It’s this way, come in. But be quick about it; we haven’t lunched yet.
(Gustave opens the folding-doors, revealing the drawing-room, in which is a large four-poster, with Mademoiselle Hortense’s body laid out upon it. Two lighted candles, a crucifix, a branch of palm, wreaths. At the back, a glass door leading to the garden. All go in, Saint Anthony and Gustave last.)
Gustave
Here is the body of the dear departed. As you see, she’s quite dead. Are you satisfied?... And now leave us. Let us cut short the experiment. (To Joseph.) Show the gentleman out by the garden-door.
Saint Anthony
Allow me. (He walks into the middle of the room and stands at the foot of the bed. Turning to the corpse and speaking in a loud, grave voice.) Arise!
Gustave
There, that’ll do! We can’t stand by and allow a stranger to outrage our most sacred feelings; and I ask you once more, for the last time....
Saint Anthony
Allow me, please! (He goes nearer the bed and raises his voice more authoritatively.) Arise!
Gustave
(Losing his patience.) That’s enough! We’ll end by quarrelling.... Come, this way: the door’s over here.
Saint Anthony
Allow me!... She is very far away. (In a deeper and more commanding tone.) Mademoiselle Hortense, return and arise from the dead.
(To the general amazement, the dead woman first makes a slight movement and then opens her eyes, unfolds her hands, raises herself slowly to a sitting posture, puts her night-cap straight and looks round the room with a crabbed and discontented air. Next she begins quietly to scratch at a bit of candle-grease which she has discovered on the sleeve of her night-gown. There is a moment of overpowering silence; then Virginie starts from the bewildered group, runs up to the bed and flings herself into the arms of the woman restored to life.)
Virginie
Mademoiselle Hortense! She’s alive! Look, she’s scratching at a bit of candle-grease; she’s feeling for her glasses.... Here they are! Here they are!... Saint Anthony! Saint Anthony!... A miracle! A miracle!... On your knees! On your knees!
Gustave
Come, come, be still!... Don’t talk nonsense!... This is no time for....
Achille
There’s no denying it, she’s alive.
A Guest
But it’s not possible! What has he done to her?
Gustave
You can’t take it seriously. She’ll have a relapse.
Achille
No, no, I assure you. Just see how she’s staring at us.
Gustave
I don’t believe it yet. What are we coming to? Where are the laws of nature? Doctor, what do you say?
The Doctor
(Embarrassed.) What do I say? What would you have me say? It doesn’t concern me, it’s not my business. It’s absurd and, at the same time, quite simple. If she’s alive, then she was never dead. There’s no reason to be amazed and proclaim a miracle.
Gustave
But you yourself said....
The Doctor
I said, I said.... To begin with, I said nothing positive; and I would have you observe that I have not signed the death-certificate. I even had very serious doubts, but I would not tell you of them, lest I should raise false hopes.... In any case, all this proves nothing; and it is very unlikely that she will live long.
Achille
Meanwhile we must accept the evidence, the happy evidence, of our senses.
Virginie
Yes, yes, we must believe it! There’s not a doubt left! I told you he was a saint, a great saint! Just look at her! She’s alive and as fresh as a rose in June!
Gustave
(Going to the bed and kissing Mademoiselle Hortense.) Aunt, my dear aunt, is it really you?
Achille
(Going to the bed.) Do you know me, aunt? I am Achille, your nephew, Achille.
Léontine
And me, auntie? I am your old niece Léontine.
Valentine
And me, my dear godmother, do you know me? I am little Valentine, to whom you left all your silver.
Gustave
She’s smiling.
Achille
Not at all, she looks displeased.
Gustave
But she recognizes us all.
Achille
(Seeing Mademoiselle Hortense open her mouth and move her lips.) Listen! She’s going to speak.
Virginie
Heavenly Father!... And she has seen God!... She’ll tell us about the delights of Paradise!... On your knees! On your knees!
Achille
Listen! Listen!
Mademoiselle Hortense
(Eyeing Saint Anthony with scorn and disgust. In a shrill and angry voice.) Who is this person? Who has dared to let a bare-footed tramp into my drawing-room? He’s dirtied all the carpets as it is!... Put him out at once!... Virginie, how often have I told you not to let beggars....
Saint Anthony
(Raising his hand imperiously.) Silence!
(The Aunt stops suddenly in the middle of her sentence, and sits up open-mouthed, unable to utter a sound.)
Gustave
You must forgive her, she does not yet know how much she owes you. But we, we know. There’s no question but that what you have done was more than most people could have done. It may have been an accident or... something else; upon my word, I don’t know. But what I do know is that I am proud and happy to shake you by the hand.
Saint Anthony
I should like to go, please. I have work to do.
Gustave
Oh, don’t be in such a hurry! We can’t let you go like this. You shall not leave empty-handed. I don’t know what my aunt will give you: that’s her affair: I cannot promise anything in her name. But, for my part, I will consult my brother-in-law; and, whether it be a coincidence or... something else, we will pay for the coincidence without quibbling about the amount; and you shall have no reason to regret what you have done. That’s so, Achille, isn’t it?
Achille
Certainly, you will not regret it, on the contrary.
Gustave
We are not tremendously well off; we have wives and children and we have had our disappointments; but, after all, we know how to recognize a kindness; and, if it were only for the honour of the family, it would never do to have it said that a stranger, however poor, came and did us a service without receiving a reward, a decent reward, the best reward that in us lies, a reward in proportion to our means, which, I repeat, are limited.... Oh, I know, there are services which nothing can repay and which are not paid for: you need not tell me that! I know it, I know it: don’t interrupt me. But that’s no reason why we should not do something.... Come, what do you think we owe you? Name your own figure. Of course, you must not ask for anything excessive; we couldn’t give it you; but whatever seems reasonable you shall have.
Achille
My brother-in-law is right: but, while the matter is arranging, I propose to make a little collection among ourselves. That won’t prejudice you in any way and will keep you going for a time.
Saint Anthony
I want to go away, please. I have other work to do.
Gustave
Other work to do! Other work to do! What work can you have to do?... No, I can’t have that; and it’s not nice of you to suggest it. What would people say if they heard that we let you go like this after restoring the dear departed to us? If you won’t take money—and I understand your delicacy of feeling and approve of it—at least you will do us the pleasure of accepting a little keepsake? Oh, don’t be afraid: just a trifle, a cigar-holder, or a tie-pin, or a meerschaum pipe. I could have your name and address and the date engraved on it.
Saint Anthony
No, thank you. I can accept nothing.
Gustave
Do you mean that?
Saint Anthony
I do.
Achille
(Taking out his cigar-case.) At any rate, you will do us the pleasure of smoking a cigar with us. You can’t refuse that.
Saint Anthony
Thank you, I do not smoke.
Gustave
You’re most discouraging. Still, what would you like? You must have a wish of some sort. You have only to speak, for everything is yours in this house, which you have filled with gladness. It’s all yours. I can’t say more than that. At least, all that one can honestly part with.... Why, it’s an insult to leave us like this!
Achille
Look here, I have an idea that’s not half bad. As our friend won’t accept anything—and, like my brother-in-law, I understand his delicacy, of which, I am sure, we all approve; for life can’t be paid for and has no price—well, since he has shown a disinterested nature which at once makes him our equal, what I want to know is this: why should he not do us the honour of sitting down with us and helping us finish a luncheon which he has so happily interrupted!... What do you all say?... (Murmurs of restrained approval.)
Gustave
That’s it! The very thing! That settles everything! How clever of you to think of it!... (To Saint Anthony.) Well, what do you say?... By squeezing a bit, we can easily make room for you. You shall have the seat of honour. The partridges will be cold, but no matter: you have a good appetite, I feel sure!... Well, that’s arranged, eh? There will be no ceremony: we’re decent people and easy-going, as you see....
Saint Anthony
No, really. You must excuse me. I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m expected elsewhere.
Gustave
Oh, come, you can’t refuse us this! Besides, who’s expecting you?
Saint Anthony
Another corpse.
Gustave
A corpse! Another corpse! It won’t run away! Surely you’re not going to put a corpse before us! To throw us over for a corpse!
Achille
No, I see what it is. You would rather go down to the kitchen, wouldn’t you? You’d feel more comfortable there.
Gustave
Then he can come up afterwards for coffee.
Achille
Ah, he’s not refusing! He prefers that! I understand. Virginie, leave your mistress—she doesn’t need you now—and take the gentleman down to your kitchen. Give him some of everything. (He taps the Saint familiarly on the stomach.) Ha, ha! You and Virginie are going to have a jolly good time together! I guessed right, didn’t I, you old rogue you! You old sly-boots!
Virginie
(In a voice of alarm.) Sir!
Gustave
What is it?
Virginie
I don’t know, but Mademoiselle Hortense has lost her speech again.
Gustave
What? She’s lost her speech?
Virginie
Yes, sir, look.... She’s opening her mouth and moving her lips and working her hands but her voice has gone.
Gustave
What is it, aunt? Is there something you want to tell us? (She nods assent.) And you can’t? There, there, make an effort; it’s a temporary paralysis, that’s all. It will soon pass. (She makes a sign that she can no longer speak.) What’s the matter with you? What do want? (To Saint Anthony.) What’s the meaning of this?
Saint Anthony
She will never speak again.
Gustave
She will never speak again? But she has been speaking. You heard her. She even gave you a piece of her mind.
Saint Anthony
It was an oversight on my part. She won’t have her voice again.
Gustave
Can’t you restore it to her?
Saint Anthony
No.
Gustave
And when will it come back?
Saint Anthony
Never.
Gustave
What! Will she remain dumb to the end of her days?
Saint Anthony
Yes.
Gustave
Why?
Saint Anthony
She has beheld mysteries which she may not reveal.
Gustave
Mysteries? What mysteries?
Saint Anthony
The mysteries of the dead.
Gustave
The mysteries of the dead? This is a fresh joke. What do you take us for? No, no, my lad, this won’t do! She spoke; we all heard her; we have witnesses. You have, of malice prepense, deprived her of her power of speech, with an object which I am beginning to see through. You’ll just restore it at once, or....
Achille
It was really not worth while bringing her back to life, to give her to us in this condition.
Gustave
If you could not give her back to us as she was before your stupid and clumsy interference, you would have done better not to have meddled.
Achille
It was a bad action.
Gustave
An abuse of confidence.
Achille
An abuse of confidence: that’s what it was. There is no excuse for it.
Gustave
You’re expecting to blackmail us, perhaps?
Achille
I suppose you think you’re dealing with a pack of fools?
Gustave
Who asked you to come? I hate saying it, but I would rather see her dead than have her back in this state. It’s too cruel, too painful for those who love her. You can’t come like this, under the pretence of working a miracle, and disturb the peace of the people who have done you no harm, bringing unhappiness upon them! A nice thing. But he laughs best who laughs last!
The Doctor
Allow me. Calm yourselves. The man has done wrong, there’s no doubt of that; but we must not blame him: he is probably unaccountable for his actions. (Going up to Saint Anthony.) Just let me examine your eyes, my friend. That’s it: I knew it! I would not interfere while everybody was thanking him, much too cordially, for the miraculous resurrection which he had wrought. I did not wish to appear to meddle with what does not concern me. I knew what was what; and you see, as I do, that she was not dead at all. There is nothing supernatural or mysterious about all this. It simply means that the fellow possesses rather unusual hypnotic powers; and he has abused them, in order to indulge in a hoax which may be self-interested and which, in any case, is out of place. He came at the right moment, that is all; and it is highly probable that, had he not been here, you and I would have worked the miracle, if miracle there be.
Gustave
Well, what are we to do?
The Doctor
Why, prevent him from doing further mischief by having him locked up! The man’s dangerous!
Gustave
You’re right; we must put a stop to this; besides, I’ve had enough of it.... Joseph!
Joseph
Sir?
Gustave
Run to the police-station at the corner; fetch two policemen; tell them to bring a pair of handcuffs with them. He’s a dangerous fellow and capable of everything, as he has shown us only too plainly.
Joseph
Very well, sir. (He runs out.)
Saint Anthony
I beg leave to withdraw.
Gustave
That’s right, old chap, play the innocent. It’s time you did. Yes, you can withdraw; and with a first-class escort. You just wait and see.
(Enter Joseph, followed by a Sergeant of Police and a Policeman.)
The Sergeant
(Pointing to Saint Anthony.) Is this the criminal?
Gustave
That’s the man.
The Sergeant
(Touching Saint Anthony on the shoulder.) Where are your papers?
Saint Anthony
What papers?
Policeman
You haven’t any? I knew it. What’s your name?
Saint Anthony
Saint Anthony.
The Sergeant
Saint what? Saint Anthony? That’s no name for a Christian. I want the other, your real name.
Saint Anthony
(Very gently.) I have no other.
The Sergeant
Keep a civil tongue in your head, will you? Where did you steal that dressing-gown?
Saint Anthony
I didn’t steal it. It’s mine.
The Sergeant
Then it’s I who am lying? Is that what you mean? Say it; don’t mind me!
Saint Anthony
I don’t know. I think.... Perhaps you are mistaken.
The Sergeant
I’m making a note of your impertinent observations.... Where do you hail from?
Saint Anthony
From Padua.
The Sergeant
Padua? Where’s that? What department?
Gustave
It’s in Italy.
The Sergeant
I know, I know. I wanted to make him say it. So you’re an Italian. I thought as much. Where did you last come from?
Saint Anthony
From Paradise.
The Sergeant
What Paradise? Where is that land of malefactors?
Saint Anthony
It is the place to which the souls of those who have died in the Lord ascend after their death.
The Sergeant
I see, I see, I understand! You’re coming the artful over me! You’re pulling my leg! First you’re impudent and now you’re being clever! Very well, your case is quite clear: we’ll soon settle it.... (To Gustave.) Let’s hear what he has done. What has he stolen?
Gustave
I can’t yet say for certain that he has stolen anything; I haven’t had time to take stock of things; and I don’t like to accuse him without being sure. We must be just before all things. But he has done something more serious.
The Sergeant
I never doubted it.
Gustave
You know the loss which we have suffered. While we were mourning the dear departed and finishing our lunch, he made his way into the house under some pretext or other, with intentions which you can easily guess. He took advantage of the maid’s simplicity and credulousness to have the door opened of the room where the body was laid out. He obviously hoped to turn our disorder and grief to account in order to fish in troubled waters and make a haul. He may have learnt through an accomplice that our aunt’s jewels and silver were put out on the mantelpiece. Unfortunately for him, our aunt was not dead. And, suddenly, seeing this repellent figure in her room, she woke up, cried out and spoke to him roundly and pluckily. Then, to take revenge for his discomfiture, I don’t know how—the doctor will explain—he deprived her of the use of her speech; and, notwithstanding our entreaties, he refuses to restore it to her, naturally hoping to make us pay through the nose. Mind you, I am making no accusations; I am simply stating the facts. As for the rest, you can ask the doctor.
The Doctor
I will furnish all the necessary explanations before the Commissary; if he wishes it, I will draw up a report.
Achille
Meanwhile, there’s no mistake about it: he’s either a criminal or a madman, perhaps both. In any case, he’s a dangerous person who must absolutely be locked up.
The Sergeant
That’s quite clear. We’ll get rid of him for you. (To the Policeman.) Rabutteau!
Policeman
Yes, Sergeant.
The Sergeant
The handcuffs.
Gustave
Sergeant, it was very good of you and your mate to come round. Before leaving us, you must do us the pleasure of taking a glass of something with us.
The Sergeant
We won’t say no to that, eh, Rabutteau? Especially as the prisoner looks like a tough customer.
Gustave
Joseph, bring a bottle and some glasses. (Exit Joseph.) We will all drink to my aunt’s recovery.
The Sergeant
It’ll do us no harm in this weather.
Gustave
Is it still raining?
The Sergeant
In torrents. I’ve only come the length of the street; look at my cape.
Policeman
You can’t tell if it’s raining or snowing, but it’s worse than either.
(Enter Joseph with a tray filled with glasses, which he hands round.)
The Sergeant
(Raising his glass.) Ladies and gentlemen, your very good health!
Gustave
(Touching glasses with the Sergeant.) Sergeant, your health! (They all touch glasses with the Sergeant.) Have another?
The Sergeant
I don’t mind. (Smacking his lips.) That’s good wine, that is!
Saint Anthony
I’m thirsty. I should like a glass of water.
The Sergeant
(Grinning.) A glass of water! D’ye hear him? You shall have some water, my lad; you wait till we’re outside; it’ll come pouring into your mouth.... Come, we’ve hung around long enough.... Rabutteau, the handcuffs; and you, put out your hands....
Saint Anthony
But I haven’t....
The Sergeant
What! Resistance and protests! That’s the last straw! They’re all alike! (A ring at the front-door.)
Gustave
A ring at the bell! (Joseph goes to the front-door.) What’s the time? Perhaps it’s the first guests.
Achille
Hardly. It’s not three yet. (Enter the Commissary of Police.) Hallo, it’s Monsieur Mitrou, the Commissary of Police!
The Commissary
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I heard... (Catching sight of Saint Anthony.) Why, I thought as much: it’s Saint Anthony himself, the great Saint Anthony of Padua!...
Gustave
You know him, then?
The Commissary
Know him? I should think I did know him! It’s the third time that he’s escaped.... You know, he’s a little.... (He taps his forehead with his finger.) And at each escape he does the same tricks: he cures the sick, heals cripples, practises medicine without a license—in short, commits a number of illegal actions.... (Goes up to Saint Anthony and examines him more attentively.) Yes, it’s he.... Or at least.... But he has changed a good deal since his last escapade.... Anyway, if it’s not he, it must be his brother.... There’s something that’s not quite clear to me. We’ll look into it at the police-station. Come along, I’m in a hurry; come along, lads, quick, to the station, to the station!
Gustave
Better let him out this way, through the garden; it’ll attract less notice. (Joseph opens the garden door, admitting a whirl of rain, sleet and wind.)
Achille
Brrr, what weather! It’s raining, snowing, hailing! (They push Saint Anthony to the door.)
Virginie
(Running up.) But, sir, the poor man!... Look, he’s bare-footed!
Gustave
Well, what of it? Do you want us to send for a carriage? Or a shrine, perhaps?
Virginie
No, I’ll lend him my sabots. Take them, Saint Anthony; I have another pair.
Saint Anthony
(Putting on the sabots.) Thank you. (His halo lights up.)
Virginie
And are you putting nothing on your head? You’ll catch cold.
Saint Anthony
I haven’t anything.
Virginie
Take my little shawl. I’ll run and fetch you my umbrella. (She hurries out.)
Achille
The old fool.
Gustave
This is all very well, but meanwhile we’re standing in the devil of a draught.... Come, take him to the station and let’s have an end of this.
Virginie
(Returning with an enormous umbrella, which she offers to Saint Anthony.) Here’s my umbrella.
Saint Anthony
(Showing his hands.) They’ve fastened my hands.
Virginie
I’ll hold it for you. (Standing on the threshold, she opens the umbrella to shelter Saint Anthony, who goes out between the two Policemen, followed by the Commissary. The Saint’s halo shines under the umbrella; and the group moves away over the snow in the garden.)
Gustave
(Closing the door.) At last!
Achille
A good riddance to bad rubbish!
Gustave
(Going to the bed.) Well, aunt?
Achille
What’s the matter with her? She’s sinking, she’s falling back on the bed!
The Doctor
(Hurrying forward.) I don’t know.... I’m afraid....
Gustave
(Leaning over the bed.) Aunt, aunt!... Well?
The Doctor
This time she is really dead. I told you so.
Gustave
Impossible!
Achille
But, doctor, look here! Is there nothing to be done?
The Doctor
Nothing at all, I fear.
(A pause during which all gather round the bed.)
Gustave
(The first to recover his self-possession.) What a day!...
Achille
Hark to the storm!...
Gustave
After all, we were a little unkind to the poor beggar. If you come to think of it, he really did us no harm!
Curtain