A Wet Night in the Country
LUISA, and LAURETTA, her maid, packing up trunks.
Lauretta. Here—this trunk is locked, and now we are all ready.
Luisa. Oh! I hear my husband’s voice.
Giuliano (behind the scenes). Yes, yes—don’t worry yourselves; I will be punctual.
A Voice (ditto). Yes—and your wife too; don’t forget!
Other Voices. Yes, of course, your wife must come with you.
Giu. Yes, yes. Then it is understood——Good-bye for the present. (Enter Giuliano.) Good evening, dear. (Lays aside his gun.) Here I am, back again. (Looking round.) Oh! good—the trunks are all ready, and the smaller boxes have followed their laudable example!... Everything is in order!... Law and order for ever!
Luisa. And you’re as mad as ever! Are you tired?
Giu. According to your own rule—which holds good under any circumstances—I never get tired. And to prove it to you—there is to be dancing this evening.
Luisa and Lauretta (astonished). Dancing this evening!
Giu. Dancing.
Luisa. But you don’t think——?
Giu. I never think—another general rule. Yes, I repeat, there is to be dancing, and, what is better, you will dance too.
Luisa. I, indeed!
Giu. Oh, yes! you shall dance, dear;—you shall come with your husband to the party we have got up on the spur of the moment—you will be lovely—adorable! Oh! don’t say no—I beg you—I entreat you. As a friend, I entreat you... (Unbuttoning his coat.) As a husband, I command you.
Luisa (laughing as if in spite of herself). You are a queer creature!
Giu. Ah! you laugh?
Luisa. I may laugh; but you must not think I am going to give way.
Giu. Then there is nothing for it but a story? the resource of old-fashioned comedies. Well, listen now, and you shall have your story.... This is how it happened. Coming back from shooting, as we drew near the village, we began to debate how we might spend the remaining hours of this evening, up to the time of our departure, most agreeably. We stopped in a meadow to form a club and discuss matters. As usually happens in clubs, much learned nonsense was talked and many absurd measures proposed.... At last some one suggested getting up an extempore dance. The motion was negatived by the mayor and his secretary, whose figures are obviously incompatible with any kind of gymnastic exercise—except perhaps that to be obtained on a see-saw. It was then that I carried my coup d’état; we were all seated, look you, so I took in the situation at a glance, and exclaimed, “The motion is put to the vote. Those against it will kindly rise; those in favour of it will remain seated.” Our two Falstaffs exchanged a look full of anguish, and seeing that they could not record a negative vote without the frightful exertion of rising from the ground, preferred to affirm by remaining as they were. The resolution was therefore passed by acclamation, and the dance is to begin immediately in the drawing-room of the Manfredi Palace, not far from this house.
Luisa. And what results from all this? That we are going to this dance?—we, who have to start at daybreak! Do think of it, Giuliano—the thing is impossible!
Giu. How impossible?
Luisa. Don’t you see? all my dresses are already packed in this trunk; the tulle, the ribbons, and flowers in that box; the gold ornaments locked up in my jewel-case.... I should have to open everything, turn everything upside down; and the coachman may come any moment to fetch the things.... No, no—it’s absolutely impossible!
Giu. Hm!—well, if there’s no help for it—if it is to cause so much inconvenience.... Well—sometimes it is as well to be reasonable....
Luisa. Come now, that’s right.
Giu. Well—I’ll make this sacrifice.
Luisa. Yes, for my sake, well done!
Giu. Yes, for your sake, I’ll try to put up with it.... I’ll go alone.
Lau. (aside, laughing). Oh! I didn’t expect that.
Luisa (astonished). What! you’re going?
Giu. Oh! certainly!
Luisa. But, my gracious! your clothes are all packed up!
Giu. They can be unpacked, I suppose.
Luisa. But the trunks are locked.
Giu. They can be opened.
Luisa. But do you, or don’t you, understand that the cabman may call for them any moment?
Giu. Send him to the devil! I’ll take that much on myself.
Luisa. Oh! I tell you what, this is mere childishness, and I am not going to be the victim of all your whims and fancies! Now that I’ve nearly killed myself getting things straight, packing and getting ready and all,... and I’m to upset everything again. I tell you I just won’t do it! I don’t feel fit for it, and I tell you I’m not going to open a single trunk,—so there! (Walks up and down.)
Giu. You’re not going to undo anything?
Luisa. I’m not.
Giu. Quite sure?
Luisa. Absolutely.
Giu. Then I will. (Opens a trunk.)
Lau. (aside). It’s all up now!
Luisa (quickly). Don’t—don’t! you’re turning everything upside down.
Giu. Either you or I.
Luisa. Do make an end of it!... There!—there’s no help for it—what can one do with a lunatic? Get out of the way, do! What is it you want?
Giu. Not much—shirt, socks, white waistcoat, black necktie, dress coat, gloves, crush-hat, handkerchief, breastpin, Eau-de-Cologne—nothing else!
Luisa. Mercy on us! Oh! poor me!
Giu. Ah! and my boots.
Luisa. Anything else? Lauretta, where are the boots? Do come and help me here!
Lau. They’re in the green trunk in the other room!
Giu. Francesco! (Enter Francesco.) Go into the other room at once, and look if there is a pair of patent leather boots in the green trunk. (Exit Francesco.) Ah! by Jove! I knew I had forgotten something!
Luisa. Oh! good gracious! what else?
Giu. Why, of course, my other pair of trousers.
Luisa. Why, they’re right at the bottom of the box.
Giu. Oh, indeed! You don’t expect me to go in these, do you? (Enter Francesco without the boots.) Well—about those boots?
Fran. They are there.
Giu. Well, what have you done with them?
Fran. They’re in the green trunk.
Giu. Haven’t you brought them?
Fran. You told me to look if they were there, sir; you didn’t say I was to bring them.
Giu. I must say you’re wonderfully intelligent for your age. (With ironical amiability.) Go back again, my dearest boy, open the trunk, take out that pair of varnished boots.... Do you know, by-the-bye, what varnished means? It means that they have never been blacked by you.... A new pair that has not been worn yet.... Take them in your hands, and bring them here to me.
Fran. Am I to bring in the trunk as well, sir?
Giu. Tell me now, what did your mother say when she saw you were such an idiot?
Fran. She said nothing, sir; she cried.
Giu. Very good! Well, you can leave the trunk in the other room. (Walking up and down, while Luisa and Lauretta are unpacking, and talking as if to himself.) Oh! I’m not at all sorry to go out by myself for once in a way.... After two years of marriage....
Lau. (aside to Luisa). Mistress, if I were you, I wouldn’t let him go by himself.
Luisa. Oh! he’s only joking... My dear girl, if I had not to turn so many things out....
Giu. Let me see... to whom should I devote my attention more particularly?... Decidedly there is no one but the doctor’s wife....
Luisa (aside to Lauretta). Where did you put my light blue gauze dress?
Lau. (aside). In the other trunk, on the top.
Giu. (as before). Yes, yes; that’s it... the doctor’s wife.... After the dance I will see her home.
Luisa (aside to Lauretta). Just open the other trunk and take out my blue dress. (Aloud, to Giuliano.) Just listen, Giuliano, I have been thinking it over, and... I think I’ll come too.
Giu. But just think, dear; you’ll have to turn everything upside down and undo all the boxes you have packed.
Luisa. Never mind.
Giu. Then, you see, you have your dresses in this trunk, your tulle and flowers and lace in that box, your jewellery——
Luisa. Do stop, you wretch! You want to have your revenge on me; but it won’t do. I tell you I don’t mind; I’ll turn out everything and come... that is, if you want me!
Giu. Want you? How can you doubt it? But you’ll have to be quick.
Luisa (running to Lauretta). Oh! I’ll be ready directly, never fear. Quick, Lauretta; just throw the things anywhere; never mind where, as long as you can get at my dress.
Giu. Let us be clear about things, dear wife. Directly is a relative term, and when it relates to a lady’s toilet it is difficult to find a fixed standard by which one can judge. Well then—(watch in hand)—how much time will you require?
Luisa. Oh! just think of it! A quarter of an hour—half-an-hour at most.... I’m sure I shall not take three-quarters... or at any rate only a very little more.
Giu. Ah! ah! you’re just like Goldoni’s lawyer. Well, try to make an effort, at any rate!
Luisa. Oh! don’t be afraid; I won’t be a minute.
Giu. I tell you what I’ll do: while you’re dressing I’m going to throw myself on the bed to rest a little.... So when you are ready, just tell me.... I shall not be a minute dressing. (Exit, but goes on speaking behind the scenes.) Mind, I want you to look your best. What dress are you going to put on?
Luisa. The blue gauze.
Giu. All right.
Fran. (returning with the boots). Where’s the master?
Lau. In the bedroom. (Exit Francesco.)
Fran. (behind the scenes). Sir!
Giu. (in a sleepy voice). Let me alone.
Fran. The boots are here, sir.
Giu. Go away with you.
Fran. But you told me... (Comes out on the stage, followed by a pillow thrown by Giuliano. Mutters to himself:) After all, the proverb is right, “Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Luisa. Really, in this house we are not likely to die of melancholy. Come, Lauretta, and help me to get my dress on.
(Exeunt Luisa and Lauretta.)
Fran. As I’ve nothing to do, I might as well go to my room and sleep a little. By Jove! I think it’s raining. (Goes to look out of window.) Yes, indeed, that’s good! I wonder how the mistress will manage to go to that dance.
Luisa (within). Francesco!
Fran. Yes, ma’am.
Luisa. Is it raining?
Fran. I’m afraid so.... If you’ll allow me, ma’am, I’ll go away to my room; you can give a call whenever you want me.
Luisa. Yes, yes, you may go. (Exit Francesco.)
(Enter Cavallotto.)
Cav. What’s this? Everything was ready, and now... Body o’ the morning! what does all this mean?
Luisa (within, Lauretta). My good man, we are going to a dance.
Cav. And when will you start?
Luisa. We shall start later.
Cav. But that does not suit me at all, ma’am! Do you know that we have forty miles to go? And I don’t want to find myself on the road after dark.
Giuliano (within, awaking). What’s the matter there?
Luisa. Oh! that will be all right. Giuliano, would you mind speaking to Cavallotto?
Giu. (as before). Ah! Cavallotto, is it you? What do you want? We’ll start later....
Cav. But, I repeat, by all the——
Giu. (half asleep). Don’t bother me now.... I’ll pay you extra.... We’ll make two days’ journey of it.... Anything you like, as long as you go away now.
Cav. Ah! if you’re willing to stop half-way, I have no more to say; on the contrary, I am glad of it, because one of my horses has a pain——
Giu. Ah! you scoundrel! (Exit Cavallotto, shrugging his shoulders.) And if we wanted to leave at six, how would you get out of the difficulty?... Answer!... Ah! you are dumb! Let us see now... how... because we shall have to... Yes, certainly! (Falls asleep.)
(Enter Luisa, in evening dress, arranging her ornaments.)
Luisa. My good Cavallotto——! Why! he’s gone. So much the better. Now I must call Giuliano, and find out what he means to do if it rains.
Lau. After all, it is only a few steps to the Manfredi Palace.
Luisa. That is true; but at any rate it is time to call him, Giuliano!
Giu. (within). What is it?
Luisa. It’s time to get up.
Giu. What a bother! I was sleeping so comfortably.
Luisa. Come, be quick!
Giu. Tell me, Luisa, have you really set your heart on going to this tiresome dance?
Luisa. Oh, indeed! if you’re not enough to provoke a saint!
Giu. Calm yourself, my dear; I’m coming. (Enters in his dressing-gown. He sits down near the front of the stage.) See here; while I was in there on the bed, my dear girl, I was reflecting seriously——
Luisa. Do tell the truth, and say you were sleeping deliciously!
Giu. That may be, but even in sleep the mind continues its intellectual processes, and, as I said, I thought over your judicious observations....
Luisa (vexed). Really, this is too much! First you nearly drive me out of my senses, till I made up my mind to come with you to the dance; then, when I have turned out all my boxes, and taken the trouble to dress, and am all but ready, you want... Will you be kind enough not to carry the joke too far?
Giu. Enough! let us perform this heroic action! Francesco!
Fran. (within). Sir?
Giu. Come here directly. (Enter Francesco.) Take my things and come and help me to dress. (Exit into his bedroom, followed by Francesco.)
Luisa. Oh! these men! these men! all tyrants and bullies—even the best of them! Come! where are my bracelets?
Lau. This time it went off all right, though!
Luisa. Oh! it’s not ended yet.... If you only knew... I am terribly afraid.
Lau. What about?
Luisa. I am afraid I have given Giuliano the wrong pair of trousers... those that did not fit, and made him so angry....
Lau. Those that he threw at the tailor’s head after the first time of trying them on?
Luisa. Yes, those....
Giu. (from within). Luisa!
Luisa (aside to Lauretta). Ah! didn’t I say so? (Aloud.) What is it?
Giu. Which trousers have you given me?
Luisa. I... I don’t know....
Giu. They are those that ass of a tailor made.... I kept them out of charity, but I never meant to wear them... never!
Luisa. Oh! they can’t be those.
(Enter Giuliano from the bedroom.)
Giu. Can’t they? I tell you it is the very pair.
Luisa. But do be persuaded....
Giu. Persuaded, indeed! Why, of course they are the same; and if you don’t give me another pair I shall not come.
Luisa. And I tell you that I don’t feel the least bit inclined to pull all the things out of another trunk.... It’s nothing but excuses to make me stay at home. But anyway——
Giu. Oh, heavens! another sermon! No, no—do be quiet. I’ll resign myself, and try to endure.... Francesco, my boots! (He puts them on at the back of the stage, turning his back on the audience.) Gracious, how tight they are!... curses on that shoemaker! How am I to hold out with my feet in these? (Rises and walks about stiffly and clumsily.)
Luisa. Another excuse!
Giu. Excuse! I tell you it feels as though I had my feet in a vice. I can’t move.
Luisa. After all, you’re not going to play at tennis.
Giu. Well, and what then? If a gentleman does not feel disposed to take part in the noble game of tennis, is he to be laced up so that he cannot move?
Luisa (angrily). In short—I understand! Do you wish to stay at home? Does it bore you to come to the dance? Do you want to go to bed? We will stay at home—we will not go to the dance—we will go to bed!
Giu. Mind that I do not take you at your word.
Luisa. Much it matters to me if you do! Come, Lauretta, help me off with these things!
Giu. Francesco, get these boots off for me! (Exit.)
(Luisa sits down R., with signs of vexation, and Lauretta begins to undo her head-dress.)
Fran. (following Giuliano). I am really beginning to get tired of this business.
Luisa (rises and walks to the door of Giuliano’s room, Lauretta following her and taking off her ornaments as she goes). I tell you all the same, sir, that this is not the way to treat me; and if you play me this sort of trick again, I know very well what I shall do. (Returns to the front of the stage, and sits down, still followed by Lauretta.)
(Enter Giuliano, followed by Francesco.)
Giu. And what, if you please, do you want to do? This is very fine indeed! Is it my fault if my clothes and boots are too tight? Am I to be condemned to walk about like a wooden doll—like an elephant—for a whole night, to please you? Your pretensions are truly wonderful! (Exit.)
Marco (behind the scenes). Is Giuliano here? May I come in?
Luisa. Come in.
(Enter Marco, with an umbrella, in a black dress-coat.)
Marco. Madam——
(Enter Giuliano, in dressing-gown and slippers.)
Giu. Marco, my dear fellow, are you looking for me?
Marco. Precisely.
Luisa. With your permission.... (Exit, with Lauretta.)
Marco. Well done! you are just dressing.
Giu. Just so—we were just dressing. What’s the news?
Mar. The news is, that it is raining, and in this weather none of the ladies will be coming to our improvised party. We therefore thought of sending a carriage for them.
Giu. Well?
Mar. It’s not so well. A carriage is not so easily found in our village.
Giu. I understand. If it were a cart, now....
Mar. We found one, however; a fine, commodious coach, to hold six people——
Giu. An ark, in short—just the thing for this threatened universal deluge. Well, what then?
Mar. The worst is, we cannot get——
Giu. The horses?
Mar. Precisely. The owner sold them last week, to buy——
Giu. Hay?
Mar. No, to buy a yoke of oxen.
Giu. Well, why don’t you harness the oxen?
Mar. Just like you—you must have your joke. Listen, now—this is what we thought of doing. There are two cab-drivers in the place; we have made arrangements with them to fetch the ladies in their cabs.
Giu. Very good.
Mar. So I have come to give you notice that in a little while they will be coming round for your wife and you—so try to be ready.
Giu. But really....
Mar. Oh! there is no “really” that will hold. If you don’t come in the cab, we’ll come to fetch you with a stick.
Giu. No—not that. Bruises for bruises, I prefer those of the cab. I’ll come.
Mar. With your wife, mind!
Giu. With my wife.
Mar. Good-bye till then. (Exit.)
Giu. Good-bye.
(Enter Luisa, still in evening dress, followed by Lauretta.)
Giu. So, you understand that you absolutely must go!
Luisa. And be quick about it. (Laughing.)
Giu. Francesco!
Fran. Here I am.
Giu. Quick, I want to dress! (Exit.)
Fran. (aside). Now, I am most decidedly disgusted!
(Exit.)
Giu. (within). Luisa, pity me! I am putting my feet back into the vice!
Luisa. For so sweet a cause one can suffer anything!
Giu. (within). Ah!... May you be bitten by a mad dog!
Luisa. What’s the matter?
Giu. That idiot of a Francesco has just tenderly trodden on my foot with one of his iron-heeled boots.
Fran. (within). I beg your pardon, sir; but would you please reflect that it was you who put your foot under my heel?
Giu. And hurt your heel, eh?
Lau. (laughing). I think, ma’am, the scenes that take place in this house, especially this evening... I must say it is a pity people can’t see them in the theatre!
(Enter Giuliano in his shirt sleeves, followed by Francesco.)
Giu. Here I am; where’s my necktie? (Francesco hands it to him, and he puts it on. Luisa looks on, laughing.) You laugh, eh?—unhappy woman! You laugh because you cannot take in at a glance the seriousness of your husband’s position!... My waistcoat! (Francesco hands it.) For one has to calculate all chances... the chance of a declaration, for instance!
Luisa. What business have you making declarations, sir?
Giu. I have no business whatever to make any; but I might do so—go on my knees, and all—and then... My dress-coat! (Francesco hands it, as before.)... Give me a pin for my necktie. (Luisa brings him one.) Do me the favour to put it in for me, will you? But mind you don’t make a hole in me—see?
Luisa. Now, let the cab come when it likes—we are all ready!
Giu. Yes; the victim is prepared for the sacrifice! Just imagine it! My feet are so numb and dead I might be a Chinese—a remnant of the Russian army—a survivor of the Beresina! And then to have to walk upstairs in these same boots, and finish up by dancing a mazurka with the mayor’s daughter!
(Enter Marco.)
Mar. May I come in?
Giu. Oh! it’s you? Here we are, quite ready!
(Luisa puts on her shawl and hood, helped by Lauretta. Giuliano takes his hat and gloves.)
Mar. I came myself, because——
Giu. Thanks for the trouble, my dear fellow. Come along, Luisa. (Gives her his arm.)
Mar. But—one moment!
Luisa. What is it?
Mar. I am truly grieved.... But I must....
Giu. But what is it all about?
Mar. One of the two cabmen we were counting on is away,... and the other....
Luisa. That is our Cavallotto; he is here, surely?
Mar. But one of his horses is ill, and cannot be harnessed. The rain continues to come down in torrents; and as we saw there was no help for it, we determined to give up the idea of the dance, and have one instead when you come again.
Luisa. The dance, then....
Giu. There is none?
Mar. There is none. I came to make my apologies to you, madam; and now I must run off home to change my clothes, for I am as wet as a drowned chicken. Madam—Giuliano, old fellow, I wish you good-night and a pleasant journey. (Exit.)
(Giuliano and Luisa stand, arm in arm, looking at one another comically.)
Lauretta (aside to Francesco). Go and tell the cook to bring up supper.
Francesco. A good idea. (Exit.)
Giu. (looking round). A magnificent room, isn’t it?
Luisa (who has laid aside her wraps, imitating him). Splendidly illuminated.
Giu. Ladies in great numbers.
Luisa. Plenty of gentlemen.
Giu. (looking at Luisa). See, see, how gracious my wife is to the mayor!
Luisa (looking at Giuliano). Look at my husband doing the polite to the doctor’s wife!
Giu. Madam, will you kindly favour me with this polka?
Luisa. With all the pleasure in the world, sir.
Giu. (to Lauretta and Francesco, who are standing at the back of the stage laughing). Orchestra!—polka!
(Lauretta sings a polka, Francesco taking the bass. Giuliano and Luisa take a few steps together.)
(Enter the Cook, in white cap and apron.)
Cook. The supper is served.
Giu. Now, shall we go to supper?
(Exeunt.)
(Curtain.)
Paolo Ferrari