Miscellaneous Odds and Ends
Some years ago Punch gave “revised versions” of a few of the old popular songs, and, referring to the one we have chosen as a specimen, says that “its simplicity, its truthfulness, and, above all, its high moral, have recommended it to him for selection. It is well known to the million—of whose singing, indeed, it forms a part. Perhaps it will be recognised; perhaps not.”
A Polished Poem.
Air.—“If I had a donkey vot vouldn’t go,
Do you think I’d wallop,” &c.
“Had I an ass averse to speed,
Deem’st thou I’d strike him? No, indeed!
Mark me, I’d try persuasion’s art,
For cruelty offends my heart:
Had all resembled me, I ween,
Martin, thy law had needless been
Of speechless brutes from blows to screen
The poor head;
For had I an ass averse to speed
I ne’er would strike him, no, indeed!
I’d give him hay, and cry, ‘Proceed,’
And ‘Go on, Edward!’
Why speak I thus? This very morn,
I saw that cruel William Burn,
Whilst crying ‘Greens’ upon his course,
Assail his ass with all his force;
He smote him o’er the head and thighs,
Till tears bedimmed the creature’s eyes!
Oh! ’twas too much, my blood ’gan rise
And I exclaimed,
‘Had I an,’ &c.
Burn turn’d and cried, with scornful eye,
‘Perchance thou’rt one of Martin’s fry,
And seek’st occasion base to take,
The vile informer’s gain to make.’
Word of denial though I spoke,
Full on my brow his fury broke,
And thus, while I return’d the stroke,
I exclaimed,
‘Had I an,’ &c.
To us, infringing thus the peace,
Approach’d his guardians—the police;
And, like inevitable Fate,
Bore us to where stern Justice sate;
Her minister the tale I told;
And to support my word, made bold
To crave he would the ass behold:
‘For,’ I declared,
‘Had I an,’ &c.
They called the creature into court
Where, sooth to say, he made some sport,
With ears erect, and parted jaws,
As though he strove to plead his cause:
I gained the palm of feelings kind;
The ass was righted; William fined.
For Justice, one with me in mind,
Exclaimed, by her Minister,
‘Had I an,’ &c.
Cried William to his judge, ‘’Tis hard
(Think not the fine that I regard),
But things have reached a goodly pass—
One may not beat a stubborn ass!’
Nought spoke the judge, but closed his book;
So William thence the creature took,
Eyeing me—ah! with what a look,
As gently whispering in his ear, I said,
‘William, had I an,’ &c.”
Cumulative Parodying.
There was a young damsel; oh, bless her,
It cost very little to dress her;
She was sweet as a rose
In her everyday clothes,
But had no young man to caress her.
—Meridien Recorder.
There was a young turkey; oh, bless her:
It cost very little to dress her;
Some dry bread and thyme,
About Thanksgiving time,
And they ate the last bit from the dresser.
—American Punch.
A newspaper poet; oh, dang him!
And pelt him and club him and bang him!
He kept writing away,
Till the people one day
Rose up and proceeded to hang him.
—Detroit Free Press.
Blank Verse in Rhyme.
(A NOCTURNAL SKETCH.)
“Even is come; and from the dark Park, hark
The signal of the setting sun—one gun!
And six is sounding from the chime, prime time
To go and see the Drury-lane Dane slain,—
Or hear Othello’s jealous doubt spout out,—
Or Macbeth raving at that shade-made blade,
Denying to his frantic clutch much touch;
Or else to see Ducrow with wide stride ride
Four horses as no other man can span;
Or in the small Olympic pit, sit split
Laughing at Liston, while you quiz his phiz.
Anon night comes, and with her wings brings things
Such as, with his poetic tongue, Young sung;
The gas up-blazes with its bright white light,
And paralytic watchmen prowl, howl, growl,
About the streets, and take up Pall Mall Sal,
Who hastening to her nightly jobs, robs fobs.
Now thieves to enter for your cash, smash, crash,
Past drowsy Charley, in a deep sleep, creep,
But frightened by Policeman B 3, flee,
And while they’re going whisper low, ‘No go!’
Now puss, while folks are in their beds, treads leads,
And sleepers waking, grumble—‘Drat that cat!’
Who in the gutter caterwauls, squalls, mauls
Some feline foe, and screams in shrill ill-will.
Now Bulls of Bashan, of a prize-size, rise
In childish dreams, and with a roar gore poor
Georgey, or Charles, or Billy, willy-nilly;
But nursemaid in a nightmare rest, chest-pressed,
Dreameth of one of her old flames, James Games,
And that she hears—what faith is man’s!—Ann’s banns
And his, from Reverend Mr. Rice, twice, thrice;
White ribbons flourish, and a stout shout out,
That upward goes, shows Rose knows those bows’ woes!”
—Thomas Hood.
The following excellent specimen of mono-syllabic verse comes from an old play in the Garrick Collection:
Song.
“Let us sip, and let it slip,
And go which way it will a;
Let us trip, and let us skip,
And let us drink our fill a.
Take the cup, and drink all up,
Give me the can to fill a;
Every sup, and every cup,
Hold here and my good will a.
Gossip mine and gossip thine;
Now let us gossip still a;
Here is good wine, this ale is fine,
Now drink of which you will a.
Round about, till all be out,
I pray you let us swill a;
This jolly grout is jolly and stout,
I pray you stout it still a.
Let us laugh and let us quaff,
Good drinkers think none ill a;
Here is your bag, here is your staffe,
Be packing to the mill a.”
Elessdé.
“In a certain fair island, for commerce renown’d,
Whose fleets sailed in every sea,
A set of fanatics, men say, there was found,
Who set up an island and worship around,
And called it by name Elessdé.
Many heads had the monster, and tails not a few,
Of divers rare metals was he
And temples they built him right goodly to view,
Where oft they would meet, and, like idolists true,
Pay their vows to the great Elessdé.
Moreover, at times would their frenzy attain
(’Twas nought less) to so high a degree,
That his soul-blinded votaries did not complain,
But e’en laid down their lives his false favour to gain—
So great was thy power, Elessdé.
As for morals, this somewhat unscrupulous race
Were lax enough, ’twixt you and me;
Men would poison their friends with professional grace,
And of the fell deed leave behind ne’er a trace,
For the sake of the fiend, Elessdé.
Then forgery flourished, and rampant and rife
Was each form of diablerie;
While the midnight assassin, with mallet and knife,
Would steal on his victim and rob him of life,
And all for thy love, Elessdé.
There were giants of crime on the earth in that day,
The like of which we may not see:
Although, peradventure, some sceptic will say
There be those even now who acknowledge the sway
Of the god of the world—£ s. d.”
Earth.
“What is earth, Sexton?—A place to dig graves.
What is earth, Rich man?—A place to work slaves.
What is earth, Greybeard?—A place to grow old.
What is earth, Miser?—A place to dig gold.
What is earth, Schoolboy?—A place for my play.
What is earth, Maiden?—A place to be gay.
What is earth, Seamstress?—A place where I weep.
What is earth, Sluggard?—A good place to sleep.
What is earth, Soldier?—A place for a battle.
What is earth, Herdsman?—A place to raise cattle.
What is earth, Widow?—A place of true sorrow.
What is earth, Tradesman?—I’ll tell you to-morrow.
What is earth, Sick man?—’Tis nothing to me.
What is earth, Sailor?—My home is the sea.
What is earth, Statesman?—A place to win fame.
What is earth, Author?—I’ll write there my name.
What is earth, Monarch?—For my realm it is given.
What is earth, Christian?—The gateway of heaven.”
Index.
Acrostics, 198
Ad Chloen, M.A., 105
Addresses, the Rejected, 15
Ad Mortem, 56
Ad Professorem Linguæ Germanicæ, 101
“Alice in Wonderland,” verses from, 42, 43
Alliterative verses from “Society,” 210
American Traveller, the, 132
Am Rhein, 99
Analytical, Ode to Davies’, 159
Angel in the House, the, 239
Animal Alphabet, an, 206
Anticipatory Dirge, an, 146
Arab and his Donkey, the, 167
Arundines Cami, the, 129, 130
Ba, ba, Black Sheep, 129
Ballad of the Period, a, 217
Ballads, the Bon Gualtier, 31
Bandit’s Fate, the, 30
Barham, Mr., parody by, 28;
macaronic by, 70
Battle of Frogs and Mice, the, 10
Bayard Taylor, lines by, 36
Billet-Doux, a, 166
Biter Bit, the, 40
Blank Verse in Rhyme, 248
Boke of Colin Clout, 62
Bonaparte, anagram on, 196, 197
Bon Gaultier Ballads, the, 31
Bore’s Head, Bringing in the, 61
Boxiana, 177
Boyle Godfrey, Epitaph on, 150
Breach of Promise, lines on a, 156
Bret Harte, verses by, 38, 154, 162
Brook, the, parody on, 39
Brooks, Shirley, lines by, 30
Brownrigg, Mrs., lines on, 26
Buckland, Professor, Dirge on, 146
Bunker Hill, alliterative lines on, 204
Burial of Sir John Moore, parodies on, 27, 28
Burnand, F. C., parody by, 46
Burns, mosaic poem on, 225
Burton, Mrs., parody by, 49
Buttes, Thomas, acrostic by, 199
Byrom, Mr., hymn by, 57;
lines by, 234
Byron, parody on style of, 21
Calverly, Mr., 39, 41
Camden on Anagrams, 188
Canning and Frere, 26
Captain Smith and Pocahontas, 113
Carlyle, Thomas, anagram on, 196
Carmen ad Terry, 96
Carol, Christmas, 61
Carpette, Knyghte, ye, 42
Carroll, Lewis, parodies by, 42, 43, 50;
lines by, 218
Ce Meme Vieux Coon, 94
Centennial Exhibition, the, lines on, 51
Chain Verses, 53
Chanson without music, 89
Chinese English, 122
Clara Morchella Deliciosa, To, 152
Clock, the Musical, 54
Clubbis Noster, 81
Coincidences and Contrarieties, 138
Colin Clout, Boke of, 62
College macaronics, 110, 112
Collins, Mortimer, lines by, 33, 34, 105
Comic Latin Grammar, lines from, 73
Concatenation Verse, 53
Contenti Abeamus, 86
Correspondents, To, 238
Cotton Mather, 192
Crabbe, parody on, 16
Crawford, Mrs., 209
Cremation, 47, 48
Cumulative Parodying, 247
Davies’ Analytical, Ode to, 159
Dean Swift, 111
Death of the Sea-Serpent, 77
De Leguleo, 88
“Detection,” Harsnett’s, 62
Dirge on Professor Buckland, 146
Disraeli, Benjamin, 243
Diversions of the Echo Club, 36
Doctor, Southey’s, 190
Druggist, Lament of an unfortunate, 157
Drury Lane, a tale of, 22
Drury Rev. H., 229
Earth, 251
Echo Club, Diversions of the, 36
Echo and the Lover, 230
Echo on Woman, a Gentle, 229
Elessdè, 250
Elizabeth, Queen, acrostic on, 200
English Language, the, 139
Epitaph, macaronic, 110
Epitaph on Dr. Maginn, 175
Epode of Horace, the Second, 67
Eve’s Legend, 220
Evil, anagram on, 197
Evolution, 168
Fable for Critics, the, 242
Fair “Come-Outer,” the, 106
Fate of Nassan, the, 223
Felis-itous, Very, 93
Fireside Amusements, poem from, 227
Fonseca’s Guide to English, 115
Footman Joe, 181
Four Brothers, the, 107
Friend at Parting, to a, 100
Geddes, Dr., 59
Gentle Echo on Woman, 229
“Gentle Shepherd,” the sign of the, 109
Geological Address, a, 154
Geological Madrigal, a, 162
Gilbert, W. S., lines by, 218
Goldsmith, parody on lines by, 30
Guide to English, a New, 115
Harte, Bret, verses by, 38, 154, 162
Hegemon of Thasos, 10
Henry Martin the Regicide, 26
Hey diddle diddle, new version of, 127
Holland, Lord, 220
Holmes, Dr., macaronic by, 89
Homœopathic Soup, 165
Hone’s Every-Day Book, 60
Hood, Thomas, parody by, 27, 29;
verses by, 248
Horace, Second Epode of, 67
Household Words, lines from, 216
How the Daughters come down at Dunoon, 45
Hunting of the Snark, 218
Husband’s Complaint, the, 164
Hussey, Mrs. Margaret, 174
Hymn, by Mr. Byrom, 57
Ich bin Dein, 85
“If,” by Mortimer Collins, 33
Ignoramus, Scene from play of, 63
Inscription on Mrs. Brownrigg’s cell, 26
Jack and Jill, 108;
new version of, 126
Jack Horner, new version of, 126
Jeffrey, Lord, 16
Johnson, Dr., 112, 171
Kehama, parody on Southey’s, 20
Knox Ward, 156
Lady, To a, 182
Lament of an Unfortunate Druggist, 157
Lang, Dr., 131
Lasphrise, M., 53
Laureate’s Journey, the, 31
Lay of Macaroni, the, 207
Leguleo, De, 88
Leigh, Henry S., 31, 46
Leland, Mr. Charles G., 115, 216.
Lines by a Fond Lover, 219
Little Bo-peep, 108;
new rendering of, 129
Little Miss Muffit, new version of, 127
Little Red Riding Hood, 83
Love Story, an original, 143
Lowell, J. Russell, 242
Lydia Green, 97
Macaulay, travesty on, 31;
a letter of, 239
Maginn, Dr., 67;
epitaph on, 175
Mahony, Rev. Francis, 129
Malum Opus, 95
Man and the Ascidian, 161
Mark Twain, 112
“Mary’s Little Lamb,” new versions of, 127, 128
Microscopic Serenade, 148
Milman, lines from, 235
Milton, Parody on, 11
Moments, the Watch’s, 235
Monk, Duke of Albemarle, 192
Monosyllabic Song, 249
Moore, parodies on, 21, 22, 45, 46
Morituri te Salutant, 169
Mosaic poems, 224
Musical Ass, the, 176
Musical Clock, the, 54
Mycological Serenade, a, 152
My Love, 241
Nahum Fay on the loss of his wife, 179
Native names, 132
New Versions of Nursery Rhymes, 125-128
Nursery Rhymes, new versions of, 125-127
Ode to Davies’ Analytical, 159
Ode to a Skylark, Shelley’s, 212
O’Keefe, Song by, 66
Only Seven, 32
Original Love Story, 143
Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, the, 132
Owed to my Creditors, 142
Palmer, Professor E. H., verses by, 121, 214
Palmerston, Lord, anagram on, 196
Parterre, the, 121
Patmore, Mr. Coventry, 239
Pennell, H. C., parody by, 44, 45
Philips, John, 11
Pidgin English, 122
Planché, Mr., songs by, 50;
acrostic by, 201
Pliocene Skull, to the, 154
Pocahontas and Captain Smith, 113
Poe, Edgar A., parodies on, 36, 38;
acrostic by, 202
Polished Poem, a, 245
Polka, the, 81
Pome of a Possum, 102
Pony Lost, 241
Pope, alliterative lines by, 211
Prevalent Poetry, 144
Prince Charles after Culloden, 205
Printer, the, 241
Procuratores, lines on the, 35
Promissory Note, the, 36
Radenovitch, the, 180
Recipe for Salad, a, 34
Recognition, the, 40
Red Riding Hood, Little, 83
Rejected Addresses, the, 15
Rex Midas, 70
Rhyme for Musicians, a, 135
Rhymes, nursery, new versions of, 125-128
Robert Burns, mosaic poem on, 225
Roman Nose, the, 170
Rudiger, Andreas, 191
Ruggles’ Ignoramus, 63
Ruling Power, the, 178
St. George et his Dragon, 79
Salad, recipe for, 34
Scott, Sir Walter, parody on, 22
Sea-Serpent, the, 76
Serenade, microscopic, 148
Serenade, mycological, 152
Sermon, a Temperance, 145
“Serve-um-Right,” 99
Sheridan, Dr., 111;
lines by, 172, 173
Shipwreck, the, 214
Shootover Papers, the, 35
Skelton, poet-laureate, 62, 174
Slidell and Mason, 92
Smith, Dr. Charles, epitaph by, 149
Smith, James and Horace, 15
Smith, Sydney, 111
Soliloquy in Hamlet, parodies on, 46, 47
Solo, the, 241
Song from Garrick Collection, 249
Southey’s Kehama, parody on, 20
Spelling Reform, 141
Splendid Shilling, the, 11
Sun-dial, lines on a, 237
Surnames, 136
Swift, Dean, 111
Tale of Drury Lane, a, 22
Taylor, Bayard, lines by, 36
Teetotum, the, 108
Temperance Sermon, a, 145
Tennyson, parodies on, 39, 40
That Thirty-four! 52
Theatre, the, 16
Thirty-Five, 171
Thompson, George, anagram on, 195
To a Friend at Parting, 100
To a Lady with a Watch, 236
Toast—a Sott, 195
Topside-Galow, 123
Treatise on Wine, a, 73
Truth, chain verse on, 57
“Truth,” parody from, 51
Twinkle, twinkle, little star, new versions of, 125, 131
Unfortunate Druggist, lament of an, 157
Valentine, a, 92
Very Felis-itous, 93
Victor Hugo, lines by, 112
Viner, Sir Robert, 193
Visitors’ Books, lines from, 109
Watch-case verses, 232
“We met,” &c., 29
Whalley, Peter, anagram on, 194
Wig and the Hat, the, 95, 183
Wilson, John, 193
Wine, a Treatise on, 73
Wordsworth, parody on, 32
Yacht Alphabet, a, 213
“You are old, Father William,” 43
Yriarte, Tomaso de, 177
EXTRACTS FROM NOTICES OF
“LITERARY FRIVOLITIES, FANCIES, FOLLIES, AND FROLICS.”
“This is a new volume of the popular Mayfair Library, and it well deserves its place. In such a book selection and arrangement are everything.... Mr. Dobson really knows what to choose and what to reject; he has also a feeling for good arrangement, and has made a most attractive volume.... For an odd half-hour or for a long journey we could hardly imagine anything better, and we trust the book may find the encouragement it so well deserves.”—British Quarterly Review.
“‘Literary Frivolities’ is an absolutely delightful companion for an unoccupied half-hour. It is a book which may with equal pleasure be read all through or dipped into at any point, and the collection of literary triflings it supplies is admirably ample.”—Gentleman’s Magazine.
“This is a pleasant and amusing little volume. It contains a great deal of curious information, and shows a very creditable amount of research.... We may end as we began, by commending ‘Literary Frivolities’ as a capital book of its sort.”—Athenæum.
“This latest volume of the bright little ‘Mayfair Library’ is an entertaining contribution to the literature of ‘inert hours,’ and will sufficiently initiate its readers into all the mysteries of bouts-rimés, palindromes, lipograms, centones and figurate poems.”—Notes and Queries.
“A more delightful little work it has seldom been our lot to take in hand. Mr. Dobson has made a study of all the eccentricities and frivolities which have from time to time been perpetrated by writers in prose and verse.... Mr. Dobson had gone into his work in a catholic spirit, and has done it with great neatness and ability. It would be difficult to commend the book too highly. It is a volume alike for holiday purposes, and for other purposes more serious in connection with literature.”—Scotsman.
“Mr. Dobson has done his work well.... The book is very interesting and entertaining, and has a still higher claim to our regard as a curious chapter in the history of literature.”—Examiner.
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“This is a queer collection of interesting nothings, a record of some of the literary playthings wherewith men have sought at one time and another to beguile the road towards the darkness. Here are quips and cranks, strange forms of prose and verse; monstrosities of rhythms. It is all very interesting, and shows a heavy amount of research on the part of the compiler.”—Vanity Fair.
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“Mr. Dobson deserves credit for the pains he has taken.”—Spectator.
“A miscellaneous and highly amusing collection of literary curiosities.”—Bookseller.
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“One of the most quaintly amusing books we have seen for a long time.”—Edinburgh Evening Express.
“For a man or woman endowed with literary tastes, and who, for want of regular work to do, sometimes longs for new methods of ‘killing time,’ this collection of frivolities and oddities might prove a fruitful source of amusement. Its author is a scholarly and well-read man; and in preparing this book he must have put himself to an infinitude of pains.”—Edinburgh Daily Review.
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CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY, W.
Notes
1 Two well-known alehouses in Oxford, about 1700.
2 From the “Carols of Cockayne.”
3 “‘What do you mean by the reference to Greeley?’
“‘I thought everybody had heard that Greeley’s only autograph of Poe was a signature to a promissory note for fifty dollars. He offers to sell it for half the money.’”—Diversions of the Echo Club.
4 Macmillan & Co., London.
5 See “Alice in Wonderland.”
6 Reference may also be made here to a recent work, “The Heptalogia; or the Seven against Sense,” a book wholly devoted to parody, the merits of which could not be shown by extracts, but requires to be read at length to be properly estimated.
7 “Ladles”—i.e., very spooney.
8 Maginn died at Walton-on-Thames, 21st August 1842. He was one of the gayest, brightest, and wittiest of those reckless litterateurs who half a century ago worshipped with equal devotion at the shrines of Apollo and Bacchus.
9 Chatto and Windus, London.
10 Macmillan & Co., London.
11 London: Chatto & Windus.