Maxims and Hints on Shooting and Other Matters
Maxims and Hints on Shooting, &c. &c.
I
Let the person to whose care a young dog is intrusted for education be furnished with an instrument like a short trumpet, which produces a few harsh and discordant notes; and whenever it may be necessary to correct the dog, in order to enforce obedience, let such correction be accompanied by the noise of this instrument rather than by “the thundering voice and threatening mien” usually employed on such occasions. When the dog’s education has been properly completed under this system, although you may be comparatively a stranger to him on first taking him into the field, you will find that by carrying with you a duplicate of the unmusical instrument you will have his master’s voice in your pocket, and you will be able at once to make a very commanding impression upon him, by sounding a few of the harsh and discordant tones which he has been taught to fear and obey.
II
You must not insist upon its being admitted without dispute, that the man who made your gun is the best maker in London. This town is a very large place, and it contains a great many gunmakers. You must also remember that it “stands within the prospect of belief” that there may be other persons who think themselves as competent to select a good gun, and to shoot well with it afterwards as you are.
III
In like manner, although you may prefer using one kind of wadding to another, or may perhaps like to wear shoes and gaiters rather than trousers and laced boots, you must not suppose that every man who takes the liberty of forming a different opinion from yours on these subjects is a mere bungler.
IV
However steady your pointer may be, remember that he is but a dog. If you encourage him to run after one hare because it has been wounded by yourself, you must not be angry with him for chasing another which may be shot at by your friend. Canine flesh and blood cannot bear this.
V
Although you may be a very agreeable gentleman, generally speaking, you will choose an unlucky moment for making yourself particularly so, if you should on some fine morning after breakfast volunteer to accompany two of your friends who are preparing to leave the house for a day’s partridge-shooting without any expectation of being joined by a third person.
VI
When you are obliged to walk on the left-hand side of a man who carries the muzzle of his gun too low, do not be so very polite as to take no notice of this dangerous habit. He will, perhaps, appear quite offended when you venture to question your perfect safety. But be that as it may, your position was so awfully unpleasant whilst you were constantly stared at by the eyes of a double-barrelled gun that your friend’s looking rather cross at you is a matter of much less consequence.
VII
When a long search amongst high turnips has been made, at your particular request, for a bird which you erroneously suppose that you have brought down, and which (naturally enough under such circumstances) cannot be found, you must not say that your friend’s retriever has a very bad nose, or fancy that “poor old Trigger, if he had been still alive, could have easily found the bird.”
VIII
Should a farmer’s boy come running to you with a partridge which he has lately picked up after seeing it fall in the next field, your companion in arms will perhaps assure you that this bird can be no other than that which he shot at, as you may remember, immediately after you had both of you passed through the last hedge, and which he afterwards saw flying very low, and very badly wounded, exactly in the direction which the boy has come from. An enfant trouvé like this seldom waits long for a father to adopt it.
IX
Sometimes towards the end of a fatiguing day, when you feel like an overloaded gun-brig, labouring against a heavy sea of turnips, you may perchance espy a large covey of partridges in the act of settling near a hedge a long way before you. Supposing in such case that your brother sportsman should be a much younger man than yourself, and yet should not have also seen these birds, it is not always quite prudent that you should announce the fact to him immediately. If you wish to have a shot at them, you would, perhaps, do well to say nothing about them till your weary limbs have borne you unhurried a little nearer to the hedge in question. The good old rule of seniores priores is sometimes reversed in a large turnip-field.
X
In the case of a double shot a gamekeeper never hesitates an instant in deciding whether the bird was killed by his master’s gun or by another person’s, fired at the same moment.
XI
When you are making your way through a thick wood with too large a party, it is better that you should be scolded by some of your friends because you trouble them with very frequent notice of your individual locality, than that you should be shot by any of them because you do not.
XII
On the day of a great battue, if one of the party (not you) should shoot much better than the others, and if this should by chance be talked of after dinner (as such matters sometimes are), do not say much about the very large number of hares and pheasants killed by you—on some other occasion.
XIII
When you are shooting in a wood, if some hungry fox, in pursuit of his prey, should chance to cross your path, it depends entirely upon the “custom of the country” whether you ought to kill him or not. Bob Short says, in his Rules for Whist, “When in doubt, win the trick.”
XIV
Never ask beforehand whether or not you are to shoot hares in the cover into which you are going, but never shoot one after you have been told not to do so.
XV
A singular species of optical delusion often takes place in the case of a man shooting at a woodcock in a thick cover. According to the impression said to be made upon the shooter’s eye, the bird appears to fall dead more frequently than he can afterwards be found—so that the truth of this appearance must never be relied on when the evidence of the bird himself cannot be brought forward to support it.
XVI
On a grand occasion you need not always trouble yourself to keep an account of the number of head killed by you, particularly if you do not dine with the party on that day; because, in your absence, the total number brought home may perhaps be accounted for after dinner, without any reference being made to the amount of yourG performances.
XVII
When you sit down (horresco referens) in a dentist’s chair,H in order to have your teeth cleaned, and point out to him, with fear and trembling, one of them which you think must be drawn;—if he should tell you that the tooth can be easily stopped, and may still be of much service to you, do not immediately thereupon feel quite bold and very comfortable. After a moment’s further inspection he may, perhaps, add very quietly, in a kind of whispering soliloquy, “Here are two others which must be removed.”
XVIII
If you should stop, with a tired horse, at the door of the “King’s Head” anywhere, and should say to the bowing landlord thereof, that, unless you can find some other means of pursuing your journey, you shall be obliged to have a chaise immediately, you must not expect to be told by him that a very good coach, which is going your way, will change horses at the “Red Lion,” nearly opposite, in less than ten minutes. Should this be the real state of the case, he will feel that he has no time to lose; and therefore, instantly seizing the handle of the hostler’s bell, and ringing a louder peal than usual, he will at once show you into a back parlour, for fear that you should see the coach before a chaise can be got ready for you.
XIX
Should it have been your fate to travel often, more majorum, on the box of a stage-coach, more than one coachman has probably told you a story, two miles long, about some mare so vicious and unmanageable that she had been rejected by every other coachman on the road, and that nobody but himself had ever been able to drive her, saying at the same time, “She is now, as you see, Sir, as quiet as a lamb.” You must not believe all this, although it may perhaps be very true that the mare kicks sometimes, and that the man is not a bad coachman.
XX
Although our friend the coachman is supposed to have been so very communicative to you on the last occasion, he may not perhaps be equally so on all others: for instance, if, when the roads are very bad, and the coach is heavily laden, he should, near the end of a difficult stage, pull up at some turnpike, and enter into a long talk apparently about a bad shilling or a lost parcel, he is very likely not to explain to you and the other passengers that his real reason for thus stopping is because his horses are so much distressed that they would otherwise be scarcely able to reach the end of their ground. The conference at the gate is held in order to facilitate the ratification of the treaty for fresh horses to be exchanged in the next town.
XXI.
On arriving at the place where “the coach dines,” walk to the nearest baker’s shop, and there satisfy your hunger in a wholesome manner. At the dinner which is prepared for the passengers it frequently happens that if there should have been any cock-fighting in the town lately,I the winner and the loser of the last battle appear at the top of the table as a couple of boiled fowls; and whenever there is a roast goose at the bottom, it is probably some old gander, who, after having lived for many years in the parish, is at last become so poor that he is obliged to be “taken into the house.”
XXII.
If you have children, who are clever, do not question them too closely in company. Supposing, for example, that at the close of a social meal in the country, you should be sitting at table with your guests, on the eve of their departure from your hospitable roof: if, under these circumstances, some nice little fellow, who has lately rushed into the room, and is now busily employed with a bunch of grapes, should be called upon by you to join in the general expression of regret that your friends are to leave you to-morrow, he may perhaps say, “Yes, papa, we shall have no grapes after dinner to-morrow.”
XXIII.
If you are thought to excel in any particular game or sport, do not too often lead to it as a subject of conversation: your superiority, if real, will be duly felt by all your acquaintance, and acknowledged by some of them; and you may be sure that “a word” in your favour from another person will add more to your reputation than “a whole history” from yourself.
XXIV.
On seeing a new invention for the first time, do not instantly suggest a material alteration of it, as if you felt quite sure that this sudden thought of yours must be a very clever one. It may be reasonably supposed that the inventor did not hastily build up his work in its present form; and it would, therefore, be very unkind that you should bring the whole broadside of your intellectual guns to bear upon it in a moment. Besides, after all, it is just possible that the thing may be better as it is—without your improvement.
XXV.
The great merit of an important discovery frequently consists in the first application of some well-known principle of action to a class of objects to which it had not before been applied. When such discovery has been brought before the public in one instance, the application of the same principle to other nearly similar objects requires a much lower degree of inventive talent. A sub-inventor of this sort often views the result of his labour with all the pride of a mother, when he is only entitled to the praise due to an accoucheur.
XXVI.
When your friends congratulate you on your recovery from the effects of a serious accident, it is very proper that you should thank them sincerely for their kindness in so doing: but it is by no means necessary that you should give a very detailed description of all your sufferings, and of every symptom attending the gradual progress of your recovery; nor need you explain exactly what was at first said by Mr. Drugger, the apothecary, and what was afterwards the opinion of Sir Astley Cooper. You had better not do this; although some persons think that what the nurse occasionally said ought not, in a case like theirs, to be omitted.
XXVII.
On the same principle, if you should have lately been robbed, and should feel disposed to communicate the particulars of this sad affair, you really must not begin your account of it by telling us every thing which you were dreaming about just before you first heard the noise of thieves in your house on the eventful night of the robbery, adding always in conclusion, by way of appendix to your copious narrative, a correct list of the articles stolen. If you do this too often, you must not be surprised if some of your hearers should at last be almost tempted to regret that when you were robbed you were not murdered also.
XXVIII.
If it should be mentioned in conversation that a celebrated mare, belonging to Mr. Swindle, of Newmarket, has lately trotted sixteen miles within the hour, in harness, do not think it necessary to recount the wonderful performances of a famous gig-horse which you once had.
XXIX.
After having lost several games at billiards, when you are playing at a gentleman’s house, it is not polite that you should attribute your failure to the inaccuracies of the table. These sundry defects of level are less likely to be complained of by the winner than by you; and he, therefore, stands less in need of this caution than you do.
XXX.
When the lord of the manor is showing the beauties of his house and grounds to you, and points out a very fine row of trees for your particular admiration, make no allusion to the magnificence of the avenue at Wimpole; and if he should afterwards show to you one of his pictures, which he values highly as the work of some celebrated master, remember that, although you may have been told privately, by a good authority, that the picture is not really what your friend supposes it to be, you are not called upon to display your borrowed knowledge as your own, and to make yourself odious by endeavouring to convince him that he has been deceived in the purchase.
XXXI.
Do not bestow extravagant praise upon every article lately bought by you, as if you considered that it had acquired increased value from having fallen into the hands of so distinguished a purchaser. Other persons will estimate the worth of it rather by its own merits than by yours.
XXXII.
It is quite unnecessary that you should always, in order to show the extent of your reading, claim a previous acquaintance with every expression which may be referred to in conversation as having been used by some celebrated author in one of his works. It is much easier for another person to quote lines which never were written than it would be for you to find them.J
XXXIII.
Do not consider it to be at all times your bounden duty to correct every mistake which may be made in your presence as to a name or an unimportant date. Some persons are so extremely sensitive on these points that they never allow the offender to escape a summary conviction. However interesting the conversation may be, they always feel justified in interrupting it if they can show that the anecdote which they have cut short related to the late General A., and not to his brother the admiral.
XXXIV.
If one of your party should be prevailed upon to sing a comic song for the amusement of the company, he will of course do it as well as he can, and it would not be flattering to him that you should immediately afterwards talk about the great pleasure which you formerly derived from hearing the same song sung by Mathews, or Bannister.
XXXV.
Beware of the amiable weakness of repeatedly telling long stories about your late father or uncle. They may have been excellent persons, and their memory may be deservedly respected by you; but it does not therefore necessarily follow that a full account of everything which was said or done by either of these worthy men on some trivial occasion should be very interesting to other people, not even to such of your friends as may be lucky enough not to have heard it before.
XXXVI.
If you should have lately suffered any great reduction of income from causes over which you had no control, it is better that you should bear your misfortunes quietly than that you should be very extensively communicative to your acquaintance on the subject of your grievances. If, for instance, you tell them in confidence that you now have only 600l. a-year to live upon, such of them as have but 500l. will perhaps think that you still have at least 100l. more than you ought to have.
XXXVII.
Do not think yourself an accomplished traveller merely because you have visited places where you might have acquired much information. Many a man has passed some time in a foreign town without learning more about the beauties of its cathedral or the manners and customs of its inhabitants than was previously known to others through the instructive medium of a book and pair of spectacles at home; and therefore although you may have really been at Rome, and may have actually seen with your own eyes both the Apollo Belvidere and Raphael’s Transfiguration, you must not, on that account only, consider yourself qualified to take a leading part in every conversation on subjects connected with the fine arts.
XXXVIII.
Many persons who are possessed of much information have a tedious and unconnected way of imparting it. Such men are like dictionaries, very instructive if opened in the right place, but rather fatiguing to read throughout.
XXXIX.
The foundation of good breeding is the absence of selfishness. By acting always on this principle—by showing forbearance and moderation in argument when you feel sure that you are right, and a becoming diffidence when you are in doubt, you will avoid many of the errors which other men are apt to fall into.
XL.
Artists, medical men, and engineers are much to be feared by those persons who are apt to talk a little sometimes on matters which they do not very well understand. If, reader, you are, like me, subject to this infirmity, mind what you are about when any professional men are present.
R. P.
Whitehall, February, 1842.
London: Printed by William Clowes and Sons, Stamford Street
Footnotes:
A It was a long one, when he talked about fishing.
B There the fish did not lie, but the miller did. He well knew that, since the letting of the fishery, his son had taken good care that the best of them should be gradually removed to Billingsgate by a more summary process than that of rod and line.
C Neither did Mr. Jackson think it necessary to explain to the ladies, or even to his friend Thompson, that the very fine fish, about which he had received so many compliments, had been taken by fixing his landing-net at the mouth of one of the narrow water-courses, up which they had worked their way in search of minnows;—a secret method of ensuring good sport, well known to some few very cunning anglers, whose motto is
“Unde habeas quærit Nemo, sed oportet habere.”—Juv.
D I understand that Thompson has written a long letter, complaining of my not having given any maxim or hint on this important point. I beg leave here to apologise for the omission; and I have no hesitation in advising him, if he should ever put his rod together again, not to omit taking it to pieces as soon as he has done fishing.
E Piscium et summâ genus hæsit ulmo.—Hor.
F Infandum Regina jubes renovare dolorem.
G Acting on this principle, I was once supposed to have killed a brace less than nothing, viz., I went out partridge shooting with two other persons. At the end of the day one of these said that he had killed twelve brace, and the other claimed eleven brace. When the birds were afterwards counted, the number of them was forty-four. I therefore conclude that the brace which was wanting must have been considered as my share of the day’s sport.
H
“Whose iron scourge and torturing hour
The bad extract, and clean the best.”
I
“Thus fell two heroes, one the pride of Thrace,
And one the leader of the Epeian race;
Death’s sable shade at once o’ercast their eyes:
In dish, the vanquish’d and the victor lies.”
Pope says, “In dust.”
J e. g. Vide quotation, p. 56.