The Fire-King Flue
I.
Who burnt the House of Lords?
Who, sir, who?
An answer broke
Through fire and smoke,
“I burnt it down,
And it wasn’t in joke!
With a horrible flare-up
I caused it to glare up,
I done it ‘quite brown’
To astonish the town!
Yes, I burnt it down!”
You, you! Who are you?
“Why, I am the Fire-King Flue!”
II.
Who burnt St. Stephen’s Chapel?
Ay, who, sir, who?
In thunder the same,
Through fume and flame,
The answer came,
“I burnt the chapel,
And panted to grapple
With Abbey and Hall;
’Twere easy to do
As roasting an apple,
Or smashing a stall—
For I am the Fire-King Flue!”
III.
Who fired the Royal Exchange?
Yes, who, sir, who?
The reply as before
Came in ravage and roar—
“I fired the ‘Change
With a bad kitchen range!
Should I do it once more
When ’tis rear’d up anew,
You must not think it strange,
Since I’m fire-proof too;
Yes, I am the Fire-King Flue!”
IV.
Who tried to fire the Bank?
Ah! who, sir, who?
“Why, I tried the Bank,
Though it wouldn’t quite do;
And the City may thank
The fire-brigade
With their hose and tank;
Or the blaze I made
Would have fired that too—
Yes, I, the great Fire-King Flue!”
V.
Oho! is it so?
Then we pretty well know,
Who set fire to the Tower.
We do, we do!
In evil hour,
King Flue, ’twas you!
With your red-hot pipe
For mischief ripe—
With your fiery breath
Bringing ruin and death—
With your cast-iron face,
You set fire to the place—
Oh! pest of our race,
Grim, ghastly, Fire-King Flue!
VI.
Who burnt Woolwich Dockyard, eh?
Who, who, who?
“I—King Flue!
A bit of a flare, you’ll say;
Yes, thanks to the drum and gong,
And the engines thundering along,
And sappers and miners,
All regular shiners,
Marines and artillery,
And convicts that flock’d
As if freed from the pillory;
Or between me and you
The Dockyard had been dock’d,
As sure as my name’s King Flue!”
VII.
Who’ll set the Thames on fire?
“I will,” says Flue;
“’Tis the thing I should like to do!
Only give me the Tunnel
To use for a funnel
Of thrice-heated air,
And you’ll see such a flare!
Or the Monument—that would do;
In fact I should much prefer it;
’Twould make such a capital flue;
Or when the tide turning
Found out it was burning,
’Twould do for a poker to stir it.”
VIII.
To save our notes and gold,
And our trophies now too few;
To save our buildings old
And to save our buildings new;
Tell us, Braidwood, what shall we do?
Spirits Aquatic, help us through,
For we’re in the clutch of fierce King Flue!
This prayer at least put up,
Good people, before you sup:
“God bless the Queen, and her loving Prince,
And the Royal Infants two;
And castle and palace
Preserve from the malice
Of this terrible Fire-King Flue!”
P.S.—May we ask who threw
That shell in the Horse Guards,
With one in the barrack-yards
To blow up the Gallery too?
“Ha ha! Ho ho!” roars Flue,
“With that I had nothing to do;
So mind number one,
For foul deeds may be done,
Without coming through a foul flue!”
[Formerly, when a public building was scorched or burnt, the accident was accounted for by saying, “Oh! the plumbers have been at work”—or “It was the carpenter’s glue-pot.” “The flue” in these days supersedes every explanation; it is the great mystery that solves all other mysteries.]