Terminology of Tardiness
Our late demented newspapers are in a plight. They are no longer afflicted with a shortage of paper, but they are still cramped by a dearth of names for their afternoon editions. All the stand-by titles have been exhausted. By midday the “Home Edition,” “Night Edition,” and “Special Extra” have come and gone, and there is still the whole afternoon with nothing left to tempt the tired business man but various grades of “Finals”. New nomenclature is needed, names that will stir the imagination and summon the cents.
Desirous of doing what I can toward alleviating this distressing situation, I venture to suggest the following schedule:
8 a. m.—Late Edition—One star
9 a. m.—Extremely Late Edition—Two stars
10 a. m.—Inexcusably Late Edition—Three stars
11 a. m.—Hopelessly Late Edition—One constellation
12 m.—Midnight Edition—Two constellations
1 p. m.—Tomorrow Morning Edition—Group of planets
2 p. m.—Tomorrow Afternoon Edition—Complete solar system
3 p. m.—Day-After-Tomorrow Edition—Comet
4 p. m.—Next-Week Edition—Large comet
5 p. m.—Next-Month Edition—Unusually large comet
6 p. m.—Next-Year Edition—Complete zodiac
7 p. m.—Special Doomsday Extra—Milky way and nebulae