The Adventurous Simplicissimus

Book V

Chap. i.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS TURNED PALMER AND WENT ON A PILGRIMAGE WITH HERZBRUDER

Now Herzbruder being wholly restored and healed of his wounds, he told me in secret he had in his greatest need made a vow to go on a pilgrimage to Einsiedeln. And since in any case he was now so near to Switzerland, he would perform the same though he must beg his way thither. This was pleasant hearing for me: so I offered him my money and my company, yea, and would buy a couple of nags to do the journey upon, not indeed for the reason that religion urged me thereto, but rather to see the Confederates’ country as the one land wherein sacred peace yet flourished. So I rejoiced much to have the opportunity to serve Herzbruder on such a journey, seeing that I loved him almost more than myself. Yet he refused both my help and my company with the excuse that his pilgrimage must be performed on foot and with peas in his shoes: and should I be in his company not only should I hinder him in his pious thoughts, but should also bring on myself great discomfort by reason of his slow going. All which he said to be rid of me, because he did scruple on so holy a journey to spend money that had been gained by robbery and murder: besides, he would not put me to too great expense, and said openly that I had already done more for him than I owed him or he could hope to repay: upon which we fell into a friendly dispute, which same was so pleasant a quarrel that I have never heard the like, for we talked of nothing but this, that each one said he had not yet done for his fellow so much as one friend should for another, nay, was yet far from making up for the benefits he had received. Yet all this would not move him to take me for a companion, till I perceived that he had a disgust both at Oliver’s money and mine own godless life: therefore I made shift with a lie and persuaded him that my intent to reform my life did move me to go to Einsiedeln: and should he hinder me from so good a work, and I thereupon should die, he should hardly answer for it: by which I persuaded him to suffer me to visit that holy place with him, especially since I (though ’twas all lies) made an appearance of great penitence for my wicked life, and moreover did persuade him I had laid on myself a penance to go to Einsiedeln on peas even as he. But this quarrel was scarce over ere we fell into another, for Herzbruder was too full of scruples: and hardly would he suffer me to use the commandant’s pass, because ’twas made out for me to go to my regiment.

“How now!” said he, “is it not our intent to better our lives and to go to Einsiedeln? And now see, in heaven’s name wilt thou make a beginning with deceit and blind men’s eyes with falsehood? ‘He that denieth Me before the world him will I deny before My heavenly Father,’ saith Christ. What faint-hearted cowards be we! If all Christ’s martyrs and confessors had done the same there would be few saints in heaven. Let us go in God’s name and under His protection whither our holy intent and desires lead us, and let God contrive for us the rest: for so will He bring us in safety where our souls shall find peace.” But when I set before him how man should not tempt God, but suit himself to the times, and use such means as could not be done without, and specially because to go on pilgrimage was an unwonted thing for the Soldatesca, so that if we revealed our purpose we should be accounted rather deserters than pilgrims, which might bring us great trouble and danger: and chiefly how the holy apostle St. Paul, to whom we could not compare ourselves, had wonderfully suited himself to the times and needs of this world, at the last he consented that I should get a pass to go to my regiment. With this we passed out of the town at the shutting of the gates, with a trusty guide, as we would go to Rotweil; but turned off short by a by-way and came the same night over the Switzers’ boundary and next morning to a village, where we equipped ourselves with long black cloaks, pilgrims’ staves, and rosaries, and sent our guide home with a good wage.

And here in comparison with other German lands the country seemed to me as strange as if I had been in Brazil or China. I saw how the people did trade and traffic in peace, how the stalls were full of cattle and the farmyards crowded with fowls, geese, and ducks, the roads were used in safety by travellers, and the inns were full of people making merry. There was no fear of an enemy, no dread of plundering, and no terror of losing goods and life and limb; each man lived under his own vine and fig-tree, and that moreover (in comparison with other German lands) in joy and delight, so that I held this land for an earthly Paradise, though by nature it seemed rough as might be. So it came about that all along the road I did but gape at this and that, whereas Herzbruder was praying on his rosary, for which I earned many a reproof from him; for he would have it I should pray without ceasing, to which I could not accustom myself.

But at Zurich he found me out and told me the truth as tartly as might be. For having rested the night at Schaffhausen, where the peas did mightily gall my feet, and I fearing to walk upon them next day, I had them boiled and put into my shoes again, and so came happily to Zurich, while he found himself in sorry plight, and said to me, “Brother, thou hast great favour of God, that notwithstanding the peas in thy shoes thou canst walk so well.” “Yea,” said I, “dear Herzbruder: but I did boil them, or I had not been able so far to walk upon them.”

“God-a-mercy!” says he, “what hast done? Thou hadst better have put them out of thy shoes if thou didst but act a mockery with them. I fear me lest God punish thee and me alike. Take it not evil of me, brother, if I of brotherly love do tell thee in plain German what I have at heart, namely this, that I fear, unless thou dealest otherwise with God, thine eternal salvation standeth in jeopardy: I do assure thee, I love no man more than thee, yet I deny not that if thou betterest not thyself I must scruple to bear such love to thee further.” At which I was struck so dumb with fear that I could not at all recover myself, but freely confessed to him I had put the peas in my shoes not for piety but to please him, that he might take me with him on his journey. “Ah, brother,” quoth he, “I see thou art far from the way of salvation, peas or no peas: God give thee a better mind; for without such cannot our friendship endure.”

From that time forward I followed him sorrowfully as one going to the gallows; for my conscience began to smite me; and as I reflected on all manner of things, all the tricks I had played in my life did pass before mine eyes: and first I lamented that my lost innocence, that I had brought out from the forest and in the world had in so many ways forfeited; and what increased my trouble was this, that Herzbruder spake now but little with me, and looked not upon me save with sighs, so that it seemed to me as he were certain of my damnation and lamented it.

Chap. ii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS, BEING TERRIFIED OF THE DEVIL, WAS CONVERTED

In such fashion we came even to Einsiedeln, and so into the church even as the priest was casting out an evil spirit: which was to me a new and strange sight, wherefore I left Herzbruder to kneel and pray as much as he listed and went off from curiosity to see such a spectacle. But hardly had I drawn nigh when the evil spirit cried out of the poor man, “Oho! rascal, doth ill-luck send thee hither? I did think to find thee with Oliver in our hellish abode when I should return, and now I see thou art to be found here. Thou adulterous, murderous whoremonger, canst thou think to escape us? O ye priests, have naught to do with him: he is a worse hypocrite and liar than I: he doth but mock and make a jest of God and religion.” Thereupon the exorcist commanded the spirit to be silent, for none would believe him as being an arch-liar.

“Yes, yes,” he answered, “ask this runagate monk’s companion and he can well tell you that this atheist is not afraid to boil the peas upon which he vowed to travel hither.” Upon which I knew not whether I stood on my head or my heels, hearing all this and all men staring upon me: but the priest rebuked the spirit and bade him be silent: yet would not that day cast him out. In the meanwhile came Herzbruder, even as I looked for very terror more like a dead than a live man, and between hope and fear knew not what to be at. So he comforted me as best he could, assuring the bystanders, and especially the good fathers, that in my life I had never been a monk, but certainly a soldier that perhaps might have done more evil than good: and added, the devil was a liar and had made the story of the peas much worse than it really was. Yet was I so confounded in spirit that ’twas with me even as if I already felt the pains of hell, so that the priests had much ado to comfort me: yea, they bade me go to confession and communion, but the spirit cried again out of the man possessed, “Yes, yes: he will make a fine confession, that knoweth not even what confession is: and indeed what would ye have of him? for he is of a heretic mind and belongeth to us: yea, his parents were more of Anabaptists than Calvinists....” But at that the exorcist again commanded the spirit to hold his peace and said to him, “So will it grieve thee the more if this poor lost sheep be snatched out of thy jaws and gathered into the fold of Christ”: at which the spirit began to roar so fearfully that ’twas terrible to hear: yet in that grisly song I found my greatest comfort; for I thought if I could not again enjoy God’s favour the devil would not take it so ill.

Now although I was then in no wise prepared for confession, and though in my lifetime it had never come into my thoughts, but I had always for mere shame feared it as the devil fears holy water, yet at that moment I felt in me such repentance for my sins and such a desire to do penance and to lead a better life that forthwith I asked for a confessor; at which sudden conversion and amendment of life Herzbruder rejoiced greatly; for he had perceived and well knew that so far I had belonged to no religion. Thereafter I openly professed myself of the Catholic Church, went to confession and to mass after absolution received, with all which I felt so light and easy at my heart that ’tis not to be expressed: and what is most marvellous is this, that the devil in the possessed man henceforward left me in peace, whereas before my confession and absolution he cast up against me certain knaveries I had committed, with such particularities as he had been ordained for naught else but to point out my sins: yet the hearers believed him not, as being a liar, especially since my honourable pilgrim’s dress shewed me in another light.

In this gracious place we abode fourteen days, and there I thanked God for my conversion, and marked the miracles that were there done: all which did incite me to some shew of piety and godliness. Yet did the same last but as long as it might: for even as my conversion took its beginning, not from love of God but from dread and fear of damnation, so did I by degrees become lukewarm and slothful, because I little by little forgot the terror that the Evil One had struck into me. So when we had sufficiently viewed the relics of the saints, the vestments, and other remarkable things of the abbey, we betook ourselves to Baden, there to spend the winter.

Chap. iii.: HOW THE TWO FRIENDS SPENT THE WINTER

There did I hire a cheerful parlour and a chamber for us, such as the visitors to the baths do commonly use to have, especially in summer: which be mostly rich Switzers that do resort here more to pass the time and make a show than to take baths for any disease. So also I bargained for our food, and Herzbruder, seeing how princely I began, counselled me frugality, and reminded me of the long hard winter that we had yet to pass, for he dreamt not that my money would hold out so long; and I should need all I had, he said, for the spring when we should depart: for much money was soon spent if one ever took from it and never added to it: ’twas blown away like smoke and was certain never to return, etc. At such loyal counsel I could no longer conceal from Herzbruder how rich my treasury was, and how I was minded to spend it for the good of both of us, since its extraction and growth were so unholy that I could not think to buy lands with it; and even if I were not minded to spend it so as to maintain so my best friend on earth, yet it were but right that he, Herzbruder, should enjoy Oliver’s money in revenge for the insult he had before received from him before Magdeburg. And when I knew myself to be in all safety, I drew off my two shoulder-bags, divided the ducats and pistoles, and said to Herzbruder he might dispose of this money at will, and spend and disburse it as he would, so that it might best profit us both.

When he saw, besides the greatness of my faith in him, how much the money was, with which I, without him, could have been a pretty rich man, “Brother,” says he, “since I have known thee thou hast done naught but shew thy constant love and truth to meward. But tell me, how thinkest thou that I can ever repay thee? I speak not of the money, for this perchance might in time be repaid, but of thy love and faith, and especially of the exceeding trust thou hast in me, which is not to be estimated. In a word, brother, thy noble soul doth make me thy slave, and the favour thou shewest me is more easy to admire than to repay. O honest Simplicissimus, into whose mind it never entereth (even in these godless days in which the world is full of knavery) to think how poor, needy Herzbruder might with this fair stock of money make off and in his place leave thee in want! Of a surety, brother, this proof of true friendship bindeth me more to thee than if a rich lord should give me thousands. Only I beg thee, my brother, remain master guardian and steward of thine own money. For me ’tis enough that thou art my friend.”

To this I answered, “What strange discourses be these, my honoured Herzbruder? Ye give me to understand ye are much bounden to me, and yet will ye not see to it that I spend not my money vainly and to your damage and mine!” And so we disputed with one another childishly enough, because each was drunken with love of the other: thus was Herzbruder made at once my steward, my treasurer, my servant, and my master: and in our time of leisure he told me of his life and by what means he was known and promoted by Count Götz, whereupon I told him how I had fared since his father (of pious memory) died: for until then we had never had so much time. But when he heard I had a young wife in Lippstadt, he did reprove me that I had not repaired to her rather than with him to Switzerland, for that had been more fitting, and was my duty moreover: and when I would excuse myself, that I could not find it in my heart to leave him, my best friend, in misery, he persuaded me to write to my wife and tell her of my condition, with the promise to visit her as soon as might be: to that I did add excuses for my long absence, namely, all manner of contrarious happenings, though greatly I had desired to be with her long ere now.

Meanwhile Herzbruder, learning from the public prints that it stood well with General Count Götz, and that in particular he would succeed in his vindication before his Imperial Majesty, would be set free, and even again receive command of an army, sent an account of how he stood to that general at Vienna, and wrote also to the Bavarian army on the score of his baggage that he had there: yea, and began to hope his fortunes would again flourish. Upon which we concluded to part in the spring, he going to the said count, and I to my wife at Lippstadt: yet not to pass the winter in idleness we did learn from an engineer to make more fortifications on paper than the kings of France and Spain together could build: so too I made acquaintance with certain alchymists that, because they saw I had money at my back, would teach me to make gold, an I would but bear the expense of it: yea, and I do believe they had persuaded me thereto had not Herzbruder given them their congé, saying that he that possessed such an art would not need to go about like a beggar, nor to ask others for money.

But though Herzbruder did receive from Vienna a gracious answer from the said count and fine promises, I heard no single word from Lippstadt, though on several post-days I did write in duplicate. Which put me in ill humour and was the cause that that spring I went not to Westphalia, but obtained from Herzbruder that he should take me with him to Vienna and let me share in his hoped-for good fortune. So with my money we equipped ourselves like two cavaliers, both in clothing, horses, servants, and arms, and travelled by Constance to Ulm, where we embarked upon the Danube, and from thence in eight days came safely to Vienna.

Chap. iv.: IN WHAT MANNER SIMPLICISSIMUS AND HERZBRUDER WENT TO THE WARS AGAIN AND RETURNED THENCE

Things be strangely ordered in this changeful world; ’Tis said he that should know all things would soon be rich: but I say he that always could seize his opportunity would soon be great and powerful. For many a skinflint or cheese-parer (both which honourable titles are given to misers) gets rich enough by knowing and using some knack of gain: yet is he not therefore great, but is and remaineth always of less estimation than when he was poor: but he that can make himself great and powerful, him riches follow after close. So did luck, that is wont to give power and riches, look on me favourably for once, and gave me when I had been some eight days in Vienna opportunity in hand to mount upon the rungs of fame without hindrance: yet I did it not. And why? I hold ’twas because my fate had willed for me another road, namely, that along which my foolishness did lead me.

For the Count von der Wahl, under whose command I had before made myself famous in Westphalia, was even then in Vienna when I came thither with Herzbruder: which last was at a banquet when divers Imperialist councillors of war were present with the Count of Götz and others, where the talk was of all manner of strange fellows, soldiers of different qualities, and famous partisans: and there was mention made of the huntsman of Soest, and such famous exploits of him told that some wondered at the youth of the fellow and lamented that the crafty Hessian colonel Saint André had hung a weight round his neck so that he must either lay aside the sword or serve under Swedish colours: for the said Count von der Wahl had found out all the trick which the same colonel had played me at Lippstadt. Herzbruder, that was there present and would fain have forwarded my interest, asked for indulgence and leave to speak, and said he knew that huntsman of Soest better than any man in the world, which was not only a good soldier that feared not the smell of powder, but also a good rider, a perfected fencer, an excellent professor of musquetry and artillery, and besides all this one that would yield place to no engineer in the world: that he had left not only his wife (that had been so shamefully imposed upon him), but all that he had at Lippstadt, and again sought the emperor’s service, and so had in the last campaign served under the Count of Götz, and being then taken by the troops of Weimar and desiring to return to the Imperialists, had with his comrade slain a corporal and six musqueteers that had pursued them and would bring them back, and had earned rich booty thereby, and so had come with him to Vienna with intent to offer his service once more against his Imperial Majesty’s enemies, provided only he could have such terms as suited him: for as a common soldier he would serve no more.

By this time the worshipful company were so flustered with good liquor that they must satisfy their curiosity to see the huntsman: to which end Herzbruder was sent to fetch me in a coach: who on the way instructed me how I should carry myself among these persons of quality, since my fortune in time to come depended on this. So when I came to them, at first I answered all questions very short and sententiously, so that they began to admire me as one who said nothing that had not a prudent meaning: in a word, I so presented myself that I pleased all, besides this, that I had from Count von Wahl the reputation of a good soldier. But with all this I got drunk, and well can I believe that in that condition I proved to all how little I had been at court. And this was the end of it all: that a colonel of foot promised me a company in his regiment, which I refused not: for I thought, “To be a captain is indeed no trifle.” Yet Herzbruder next day rebuked me for my folly, and said, had I but held out longer I had risen to high rank.

So was I presented to a company as their captain, which company, although with me ’twas in respect of officers fully staffed, yet counted no more than seven privates that could stand sentry. Besides, my under-officers were such old cripples that I must needs scratch my head when I looked upon them. And so it came about that in the next engagement, which happened not long after, I was with them miserably beaten: in which affair Count von Götz lost his life and Herzbruder his testicles, which were shot away: and I had my share in the leg though ’twas but a trifling wound. Whereupon we betook ourselves to Vienna, there to be cured, and also because we had there left all our property. But besides these wounds, which were soon healed, there appeared in Herzbruder other evil symptoms which the doctors could not at first recognise, for he was paralysed in all his extremities like a choleric person whom his gall doth plague, to which complexion he was no more given than to anger. Nevertheless he was counselled to take the waters, and to that end the Griesbach in the Black Forest was commended to him. And so doth fortune suddenly change. For Herzbruder just before had been minded to marry a young lady of quality, and to that end to get him made a Freiherr and me a nobleman: but now must he make other plans; for having lost that by which he had meant to propagate his family, and being, moreover, threatened with a tedious sickness ensuing upon that loss, in which he would have need of good friends, he made his will, and appointed me heir of all his property, the more so because he saw how for his sake I cast my fortune to the winds and gave up my command, that I might bear him company to the Spa and there wait on him till he should recover his health.

Chap. v.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS RODE COURIER AND IN THE LIKENESS OF MERCURY LEARNED FROM JOVE WHAT HIS DESIGN WAS AS REGARDS WAR AND PEACE

So as soon as Herzbruder could ride we despatched our money (for now we had but one purse in common) by way of banker’s draft to Basel, equipped ourselves with horses and servants, and made our way up the Danube to Ulm and thence to the Spa before mentioned, for now ’twas May and pleasant travelling. There did we hire a lodging: but I rid to Strassburg, not only to receive in part our money which we had conveyed thither by way of Basel, but also to inquire for the medicos of experience that should prescribe for Herzbruder recipes and the manner of his taking the baths. These came to me, and were of opinion that Herzbruder had indeed been poisoned, yet was the poison not strong enough to kill him offhand, and therefore it had made its way into his limbs, from whence it must be evacuated by drugs, antidotes and sweating-baths, which cure would last some eight weeks or so. At that Herzbruder remembered at once when and by whom that poison had been given him; namely, by them that would have had his place in the army: and when he further learned from the physicians that his cure needed no spa, then was he assured the field-surgeon had by his enemies been bribed to send him so far away: yet did he resolve to complete his cure there at the spa, for ’twas not only a healthy air but also there was cheerful company among the bathing-guests.

This time would I not waste: for I had a desire to see my wife once more: and since Herzbruder needed me not greatly, I did open to him my project, which he did praise, and advised me I should visit her, giving me also certain trinkets of price which I should on his behalf present to her, and therewith beg her pardon for that he had been the cause why I had not before sought her out. With that I rode to Strassburg, and not only provided myself with moneys but inquired also how I might prosecute my journey in the safest way: whereupon I found ’twas not to be accomplished by a horseman riding alone; for the roads were made unsafe by the parties sent out from so many garrisons of the two contending armies. So I got me a pass for a post-rider of Strassburg, and drew up certain letters to my wife, her sisters, and her parents, as I would send him with them to Lippstadt: yet feigned to be of a different mind, took back the pass from the messenger, sent back my horse and servant, and disguised myself in a red and white livery: in that I journeyed by ship to Cologne, which was at that time neutral between the two parties.

And first I must go to visit my Jupiter, that had aforetime appointed me his Ganymede, to ask how it fared with the property I had left there: but him I found quite brain-sick again and full of anger against the human race. “O Mercury,” says he, as soon as he saw me, “what news from Münster? Do men conceive they can make peace without my good will? Nay, never! they did have peace. Why kept they it not? Was not vice everywhere triumphant when they provoked me to send them war? And how have they deserved that I should give them peace again? Have they since been converted? Are they not become worse, and do they not run into war as to a festival? Or have they perchance repented them by reason of the famine that I sent among them, whereof so many thousands died of hunger? Or hath the grievous pestilence terrified them to better their ways, whereby so many millions were cut off? Nay, nay, Mercurius, they that remain, that did see these dreadful sufferings with their own eyes, have not only not repented, but be grown worse than ever they were. And if they have not been turned by so many sore plagues, nor have ceased to live in godless wise in the midst of such trial and tribulation, what will they do if I should grant them again the delights of golden peace? Then must I fear lest, as once did the giants, so they now should try to storm my heaven. But such overweening I will check in good time and leave them to perish in their war.” But I knowing how one must go about with this god if one would make him hear reason, “Oh, great god,” says I, “all the world doth sigh for peace and promise great amendment: why wilt thou then continue to refuse them such?” “Yea,” answered Jupiter, “doubtless they sigh: yet not for my sake but their own: not that each may praise God under his own vine and fig-tree, but that they may enjoy the fruit thereof in peace and delight. Of late I asked of a scurvy tailor, should I give him peace? He gave me answer, ’twas the same to him, that must ply his needle as well in peace as in war: and the like answer I got from a brazier, which said if he could get no bells to found in peace time, yet in time of war he had enough to do with cannon and mortars. So likewise, a smith replied to me and said, ‘Though I have no ploughs and hay-carts to mend in war-time, yet have I so many war-horses and army waggons to deal with that I can well afford to do without peace.’ Lookye then, dear Mercurius, why should I grant them peace? True there be some that do desire it, yet only as I say, for their belly’s sake and their pleasure: contrariwise there be others that will still have war, not because ’tis my will, but because ’tis for their profit. And just as the masons and carpenters desire peace, to earn money by the building again of ruined houses, so others that be not sure of earning a living by their handicraft in time of peace do hope for the continuing of war, wherein they can steal.”

Now when I found my Jupiter so to go about with these matters, I could well conceive that he, with so confused a mind, could give me little account of mine own, and so I made not my business known to him, but took the bull by the horns, and away by by-paths well known to me, to Lippstadt, where I inquired for my father-in-law as I were a messenger from foreign parts, and learned at once that he, with his wife, had quitted this world six months before, and secondly, that my dear wife, having been delivered of a man-child, that was now with her sister, had in like manner straightway, after her lying-in, quitted this mortal scene. Upon that I delivered to my brother-in-law the writings which I had before addressed to my father-in-law, to my wife, and to him, my wife’s brother. Who would have entertained me himself, to learn from me, as from a messenger, how it fared with Simplicissimus and of what rank he was now. In the end mine own sister-in-law did at length converse with me, I telling of myself all the good I knew; for my pock-pitted face had so marred and changed me that no man could know me more, save Herr von Schönstein: and he, as my true friend, did hold his tongue. But I telling her at length how Herr Simplicissimus had many fine horses and servants and rode abroad in a black-velvet coat all trimmed with gold, “Yea,” said she, “I did ever believe he was of no such low descent as he gave himself out to be: the commandant of this place did ever persuade my late parents, with great assurances, that they had made a good match with him for my sister, which had ever been a virtuous maiden: yet of all that I myself could never look for a good ending. Nevertheless did he content himself and resolve to take upon him either Swedish or Hessian service in the garrison here: and to that end would he fetch hither his goods that he had left at Cologne: which turned out ill, and he himself was by clean roguery spirited away into France, leaving my sister, that had had him to husband but for four weeks, yea, and a half-dozen of citizens’ daughters likewise, with child by him; all which one after another, and my sister last of all, were brought to bed of boys. So since my father and mother were dead, and I and my husband without hope of children, we did adopt my sister’s child to be the heir of all our property, and with the help of the commandant here did get possession of his father’s money at Cologne; which same might be reckoned at three thousand gulden; and so the young lad when he shall come of age shall have no cause to count himself among the paupers. Yea, I and my husband do love the child so much that we would not yield him up to his own father though he came in person to fetch him away: moreover, he is the comeliest of all his half-brothers, and so like to his father as he had been cut out on his very pattern: and I know if my brother-in-law did but hear what a fair son he hath he would not delay to come hither were it but to see the little sweetheart.”

The like talk my sister-in-law held, by which I might well perceive her love to my child, which now ran about in his first breeches, and rejoiced mine heart: and with that I brought out the trinkets that Herzbruder had given me to present on his behalf to my wife: which, said I, Master Simplicissimus had given me to deliver to his wife for a salutation: who being dead, I accounted it fair to leave the same for his child: all which my brother-in-law and his wife received with joy, and were convinced thereby that I had no want of means, but must indeed be a fellow of a different sort from that which they had fancied me to be. So now I pressed for leave to be gone, and having obtained such, I begged in the name of Simplicissimus to kiss Simplicissimus the younger, that I might tell the same to his father for a token. And this being done with the goodwill of my sister-in-law, my nose and the child’s began at once and together to bleed, till I thought my heart would break: yet did I hide my feelings, and that none might have time to mark the cause of this sympathy, I took myself off at once, and after fourteen days of much trouble and danger came again to the spa in beggar’s garb: for on the way I had been plundered and stripped.

Chap. vi.: A STORY OF A TRICK THAT SIMPLICISSIMUS PLAYED AT THE SPA

So being returned, I found Herzbruder rather worse than better, though the doctors and apothecaries had plucked him cleaner than any pigeon: nay, more: he seemed to me now to be childish, nor could he walk straight. I did hearten him up as best I could, but his was an ill plight; himself perceiving well by his loss of strength that he could not last long; and his chief comfort was this, that I should be by his side when he should close his eyes. Contrariwise I was merry, and sought my pleasure where I thought to find it: though in such wise that Herzbruder lacked none of my care. Yet because I knew myself now for a widower, the fine weather and my young blood enticed me to wantonness, whereunto I did fully give myself over; for the fear that had possessed me at Einsiedeln I had now quite forgot. Now there was at the spa a fair lady36 that gave herself out to be a person of quality, yet was to my thinking more “mobilis” than “nobilis”: to this man-trap did I pay my constant court as to one that seemed a bona roba, and in brief space of time did obtain not only free entry to her but also all such favours as I could desire. Yet had I from the first a disgust at her lightness, and so did devise how I might in all courtesy be rid of her: for methought she had her eye more on my purse than on me for a bridegroom: yea, and did persecute me with hot and wanton glances and the like tokens of her burning love wheresoever I might be, till I must be shamed both for her sake and mine own.

At that time there was at the baths a rich Switzer of quality: from whom was stolen not only his money, but his wife’s jewellery, which was of gold, silver, pearls, and precious stones. And since ’tis as grievous to lose such things as ’tis hard to get them, therefore the said Switzer would move heaven and earth to come by them again, and did even send for the famous devil-driver of the Goatskin,37 which did so plague the thief by his charms that he must needs restore the stolen goods to their proper place: for which the wizard earned ten rix-dollars.

With this enchanter I had fain conversed: but, as I then conceived, it could not be, without lessening of my dignity (for at that time I thought no small beer of myself). So I did engage my servant to be drunk with him that same night (having learned he was a toper of the first quality) to see if by such means I could have his acquaintance: for so many strange things were told to me of him that I could not believe till I had heard them from himself. To that end did I disguise myself as a strolling quack, and sat down by him at table to see if he could guess or the devil could tell him who I was: yet could I mark no such knowledge in him, but he would drink and drink, taking me for that which my raiment proclaimed me, yea, and drank some few glasses to my health, yet shewed more respect to my knave than to me. For to him he told in all confidence that if he that had robbed the Switzer had thrown but the smallest part thereof into running water and so shared the booty with the devil, it had been impossible either to name the thief or to get back the goods.

To all these silly conceits I listened, and wondered how the father of deceits and lies can by so small a thing bring men into his clutches. I could easily conceive that this was a clause in our enchanter’s indenture with the devil, and perceive how such a trick could not help the thief if only another exorcist were fetched in to detect the theft, in whose compact this condition was not to be found: and so charged my knave, that could steal better than any gipsy, to make the man drunk and then steal his ten rix-dollars, and presently thereafter to cast a couple of batzen into the river Rench. This he did with all diligence, and when the witch-doctor next morning missed his money, he betook himself to a thicket by the bank of the Rench, doubtless to confer with his familiar spirit: by whom he was so ill-handled that he came off with a face all bruised and scratched; whereat I felt such pity for the poor old rogue that I gave him back his money and sent him a message that, since he now could see what a traitorous, evil spirit the devil was, he might renounce his service and company, and turn to God again: which warning brought me but little profit, for presently my two fair horses sickened and died by witchcraft; and what else could I expect? for I lived like Epicurus in his stye and never did commend my goods to God’s care: why, therefore, should the wizard not be able to revenge himself on me?

Chap. vii.: HOW HERZBRUDER DIED AND HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS AGAIN FELL TO WANTON COURSES

With the spa I was the more pleased the longer I stayed, for not only did the guests increase daily, but the place and the manner of life also delighted me hugely. I joined acquaintance with the merriest that resorted thither and did begin to learn courtesy and compliment, wherewith I had till then troubled myself but little: and so was counted as of the nobility, my people calling me ever “noble captain”; for no mere soldier of fortune did ever gain so high a post at that age at which I still was. So with these rich fops I made, and they with me, not acquaintance only but sworn friendship; and pastime, play, eating, and drinking were all my work and care, which robbed me of many a fair ducat without my much perceiving or marking of it: for my purse was yet fairly heavy with Oliver’s legacy.

Meanwhile things went from bad to worse with Herzbruder, till at last he must pay the debt of nature, all doctors and physicians now deserting him on whom they had fattened so long. So he confirmed once more his last will and testament and made me heir of all he had to receive from his late father’s property. And in return I gave him a noble funeral and sent his servants on their way with mourning and money withal.

Yet his disease heartily vexed me, and especially because he had been poisoned: and though I could not change that, yet it changed me: for now I eschewed all company and sought only for solitude to give a hearing to my sad thoughts: to which end I would hide myself in some thicket and there would muse, not only upon what a friend I had lost, but also how I should never in my life find such another one. At times I would lay all manner of plans for my future life and yet could resolve on none: now I thought I would to the wars again: and then bethought me how even the poorest peasant in this land was better off than any colonel: for into those mountains came never a foraging party. Yea, I could well fancy what an army would find to do there in ravaging of the country, seeing that all the farmhouses were well kept, as if in peace-time, and all the stalls full of cattle, while in many a village of Germany in the plains neither dog nor cat could be found. So as I delighted myself with hearing of the sweet song of birds, and did fancifully conceive how the nightingale should by her dulcet song silence all other birds and force them to listen either from shame or to steal somewhat of her pleasant strains, there came to the opposite bank of the stream a beauty, that did move me more, because she wore but the habit of a peasant girl, than could any fine demoiselle have done; which took a basket from her head wherein she had a pack of fresh butter, to sell at the spa: this did she cool in the water that it might not melt by reason of the great heat, and meanwhile, sitting down upon the grass, did throw aside her kerchief and her peasant hat and wipe the sweat from her face, so that I could exactly observe her and feed my curious eyes upon her: and truly methought I had never seen a fairer form in my life: for the mould of her figure seemed perfect and without blemish, her arms and hands white as snow, her face fresh and sweet, but her black eyes full of fire and amorous looks. So as she was packing of her butter up again I cried across to her, “Ah, maiden, ’tis true ye have cooled your butter in the water with your fair hands, yet with your bright eyes have ye set my heart afire.” But she no sooner saw and heard me but away she ran as if she were pursued, without answering me a word, and so left me possessed with all the follies wherewith fantastic lovers are wont to be tormented.

But my desire to be further illumined by this sun left me not in peace in the solitude I had chosen, but caused me to care no more for the song of the nightingale than for the howl of a wolf: therefore I made my way to the spa, and did send my page in front to accost the pretty butter-seller and to bargain with her till I should come: so he did his best, and I, when I came, did mine also: but found a heart of stone, and such coldness as I had never thought to find in any peasant-girl, which made me yet more in love, especially since I, that had been much a scholar in such schools, might well judge by such a carriage she would not easily be befooled.

And now should I have had either a great enemy or a great friend: either an enemy to think of and devise evil against, and so to forget my fool’s love, or a friend that should give me other counsel and warn me from the folly I proposed. But alas! I had naught but my money, which did but dazzle me, and my blind desires which led me astray, I giving them the rein, and mine own impudence, that ruined me and brought me to disaster. Fool that I was, I should have judged by our clothes, as by an evil omen, that her love would work me woe. For I having lost Herzbruder and the girl her parents, we were both dressed in mourning clothes when we first met: and so what joy could our love portend? In a word, I was properly caught in a fool’s snare, and therefore as blind and without reason as the boy Cupid himself: and because I had no hope otherwise to satisfy my bestial desires, I did determine to marry her.

“For how!” thought I, “thou beest by descent but a peasant’s brat and wilt never in thy life keep thy castle: and this fair champaign is a noble land, that throughout this grisly war hath, in comparison with other parts, maintained itself in peace and prosperity: besides, thou hast gold enough to buy thee even the best farm in this countryside: and now shalt thou marry with this honest peasant-girl and get thee a lord’s reputation among the country-folk. And where couldst find a cheerfuller dwelling-place than near the spa, where thou canst, by reason of the coming and going of the guests, see a new world every six weeks, and so conceive how the great world doth change from one age to another?”

Such and a thousand like plans I made, till at length I sought my sweetheart in marriage and (yet not without pains) did obtain her consent.

Chap. viii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FOUND HIS SECOND MARRIAGE TURN OUT, AND HOW HE MET WITH HIS DAD AND LEARNED WHO HIS PARENTS HAD BEEN

So I made fine preparation for the wedding: for all seemed rose-colour to me. Not only did I buy up the whole farm whereon my bride had been born, but began also a fine new building besides, as if I would rather keep court than keep house: and before the wedding was over I had already more than thirty head of cattle on the farm; for so many could it maintain all the year round: in a word, I had the best of everything and such fine household plenishing as only folly like mine could devise. But soon I must whistle to a different tune, for I found my bride too knowing; and now, all too late, was I ware of the cause why she had been so loath to take me: and what vexed me most was that I could tell to no man my silly plight. I knew well enough that ’twas reasonable I must pay the piper; yet the knowledge made me not more patient, still less better in life; nay, rather I thought to betray the traitress, and so began to go a-grazing where I could find pasture: which kept me rather in good company at the spa than at home, and for a year at least I left my housekeeping to take care of itself. And for her part my wife was as slovenly as I: an ox that I had had slaughtered for household use she salted in baskets like pork, and when she was to prepare a sucking-pig for me she tried to pluck it like a fowl: yea, she would cook crayfish with a roasting-jack and trout on a spit: from which examples a man may judge what manner of housewife I found her: and withal she would drink freely of the good wine and share it with her good friends: and that was a sign of my coming disasters.

Now it fell out that as I was walking down the valley with some fops of the spa to visit a company at the lower baths, there met us an old peasant with a goat on a string, that he wished to sell, and because methought I had seen him before, I asked whence he came with his goat. At which he doffed his cap and “Your worship,” says he, “that I may not tell you.” “How,” said I, “surely thou hast not stolen the beast?” “Nay,” answered the peasant, “but I bring him from a village there in the valley, the which I may not mention to your worship in the presence of a goat”38 which caused my company to laugh, and because I changed colour they deemed I was vexed or ashamed that the peasant did answer me so neatly. Yet my thoughts were otherwise, for by the great wart that this peasant had, like an unicorn, in the middle of his forehead, I was assured ’twas my dad from the Spessart, and so would first play the conjurer before I would make myself known and delight him with so fine a son as my clothes shewed me to be. So I said to him, “Good father, is not your home in the Spessart?” “Yes, your worship,” says he. “Then,” said I, “did ye not some eighteen year agone have your house and farm plundered and burnt by the troopers?” “Yea, God-a-mercy,” quoth the peasant, “yet ’tis not so long ago”: but I asked him further, “Did ye not, then, have two children, a grown daughter and a young lad that kept your sheep?” “Nay, your worship,” says my dad, “the daughter was my child but not the boy: yet would I bring him up as mine own.” And by that I understood I was no son of this rough yokel: and that in part rejoiced me yet again troubled me, for I thought now I must be some bastard or foundling, and therefore asked my dad how he had come by the said boy or what reason he had had to rear him as his own. “Ah,” says he, “I had strange luck with him: by war I got him and by war I lost him.”

But now being afeared lest some fact should come to light that would disgrace my birth, I turned the discourse upon the goat again and asked if he had sold it to the hostess for cooking, which would seem strange to me as knowing that her guests used not to eat old goat’s flesh. But “Nay, your worship,” quoth the peasant, “the hostess hath goats enow and will pay naught for such: I do bring her for the countess that is at the spa to bathe. For Doctor Busybody hath ordered certain herbs for this goat to eat: and the milk that she gives therefrom the doctor taketh to make a medicine for the countess, that is to drink the milk and so be cured: for they say the countess hath no stomach, and if the goat help her ’twill do more than the doctor and all his sawbones together.” While he thus talked I considered how I might have further speech with him, and so offered him for the goat a dollar more than the doctor or the countess would give: to which he readily agreed (for small gain will easily turn folk), yet on condition he should first tell the countess that I had bid a thaler more: and if she would give as much she should have the preference: if not, he would bring me the goat and would in the evening let me know how the business stood. With that my dad went his way and I, with my company, ours: yet could I and would I not stay longer with them, but turned me back and went where I found my dad again: who still had his goat, for others would not give him so much as I: which, for so rich people, did amaze me, yet made me not more niggardly: for I took him to my new-bought farm and paid him for his goat, and when I had him half-foxed I asked of him whence came the lad to him of whom we spoke to-day. “Ah, your worship,” says he, “the Mansfeld war brought him to me and the Nördlingen battle took him away again.” “And that,” quoth I, “must be a merry story,” and so I begged him, since we had naught else to talk of, to tell it me to pass the time.

With that he began, and says he, “When Mansfeld39 lost the battle at Höchst, his people were scattered abroad as not knowing whither to flee: of whom many came into the Spessart, seeking woods wherein to hide them: but though they had escaped death on the plains they found it in the hills: for since both parties thought it their right to plunder and murder one another on our lands, we peasants would have a finger in their pie too. So ’twas but seldom that a farmer would go into his woods without a musquet, for we could not bide at home with our hoes and ploughs. And in this wild business did I light upon a fair young lady mounted on a goodly horse, in a savage and lonesome wood, yet not far from my farm: and just before, I had heard shots fired: and at first I took her for a man, for she rode like such: yet when I saw her raise hands and eyes to heaven and in a pitiful voice, though in a strange tongue, cry aloud to God, I lowered my gun, with which I would have fired upon her, and uncocked it; for her cries and actions did well assure me ’twas a woman, and one in trouble withal. So we drew near to each other, and when she saw me, ‘Ah,’ says she, ‘if ye be a Christian and an honest man, I pray you for God and His mercy, yea, and for that Last Judgment before which we must all give account of our deeds and misdeeds, to bring me to some married woman that with God’s help may deliver me of my burden!’ Which words, as being of such import, together with the gentle speech and the troubled, yet fair and kind face of the poor lady, did compel me to such pity that I took her horse by the bridle and led her over bush and brier to the thickest part of the wood whither I had brought my wife, my child, my people, and my cattle for refuge: and there within half an hour was she delivered of that young boy of whom we did discourse to-day.”

With that my dad finished his story and his glass: for I was no niggard of my wine for him: and when he had emptied it I asked him how it fared thereafter with the lady: to which he answered thus: “When she was delivered she begged me to be godfather, and to bring the child to baptism as soon as might be, and told me her own and her husband’s name that they might be written in the book of Christenings: and then did she open her wallet wherein she had full costly trinkets, and of these gave so many to me, to my wife and child, my maid-servant and to another woman that was by, that we might well be content with her: but even while she did this, and told us of her husband, she died under our hands, having first commended the child to us. But since the tumult in the land was then so great that none could abide in his own house, we had much trouble to come by a clergyman that should baptize the child and attend the funeral. Yet both being done, ’twas commanded me by our burgomaster and our priest that I should rear the child till ’twas grown, and for my trouble and cost should keep all the lady’s property save a few rosaries and precious stones and jewellery, which I should keep for the child. So my wife did nourish the babe with goat’s milk, and we loved the lad, and did think when he should be grown up to give him our daughter to wife: but after the battle at Nördlingen did I lose both boy and girl and all that I possessed.”

“Now,” says I to my dad, “ye have told me a pretty tale enough and yet forgot the best part: for ye have not told me the name of the lady or her husband or the child.” “Your honour,” he answered, “I thought not ye desired to know it: but the lady’s name was Susanna Ramsay: her husband was Captain Sternfels, of Fuchsheim, and because my name was Melchior did I have the child baptized Melchior Sternfels, of Fuchsheim, and so inscribed in the book.”

Now from that I knew clearly that I was the true-born son of my hermit and of Governor Ramsay’s sister; but alas! far too late, for my parents were both dead, and of my uncle Ramsay could I learn nothing save that the Hanauers had rid themselves of him and his Swedish garrison, whereat he had gone crazy for rage and vexation. But I treated my godfather well with wine, and next day had his wife fetcht likewise: yet when I declared myself to them, would they not believe it, till I did shew them a black and hairy mole I had upon my breast.

Chap. ix.: IN WHAT MANNER THE PAINS OF CHILD-BIRTH CAME UPON HIM, AND HOW HE BECAME A WIDOWER

Not long after this I did take my godfather with me, and ride into the Spessart to get certain news and certificate of my descent and noble birth; which I gat without difficulty from the book of baptisms and my godfather’s witness: and presently thereafter visited the priest that had dwelt at Hanau and had taken care of me: which gave me a writing to declare where my late father had died, and that I had abode with him to his death and thereafter for a long time with Master Ramsay, the commandant at Hanau, under the name of Simplicissimus: yea, I had an instrument containing my whole history drawn up by a notary out of the mouth of witnesses; for I thought, “Who knoweth when thou wilt have need of it?” And this journey did cost me 400 thalers, for on my return I was captured by a party, dismounted, and plundered so that I and my dad or godfather came off naked and hardly with our lives.

Meanwhile things went ill at home: for as soon as my wife knew her husband was a nobleman she not only did play the great lady, but did neglect all housekeeping; which I bore in silence because she was big with child: moreover, misfortune came on my cattle and robbed me of my chiefest and best: all which ’twould have been possible to endure, but O Gemini! misfortunes came not singly: for even then while my wife was delivered, the maid was brought to bed likewise: and the child she bore was indeed like to me, but that which my wife had was so like to the farm-servant as it had been cut on the pattern of his face. Nay, more! for the lady of whom I writ above did in the same night cause one to be laid at my door with notice in writing that I was the father: and so did I get a family of three at once, and could not but expect that others would creep out of every corner, which caused me not a few grey hairs. But so will it fare with whoever doth follow his own bestial lusts in such a godless and wicked way of life as I had led.

And now what to do! I must have the baptism and be soundly punished by the magistrate: and the government being then Swedish, and I an old soldier of the emperor, the score was the heavier to pay: all which was but the preface to my complete ruination the second time. And although all these manifold disasters did greatly trouble me, yet my wife contrariwise took all lightly; yea, did mock at me day and night about the fine treasure that had been laid at my door and for which I had paid so dearly: yet had she but known how ’twas with me and the maid she would have plagued me yet worse: but that good creature was so complacent as to let herself be persuaded with as much money as I should other ways have been fined for her sake, to swear her child to a fop that had at times visited me the year before and had been at the wedding, but whom otherwise she knew not. Yet must she go a-packing, for my wife did suspect what I thought of her and the farm-servant, yet dared not hint thereat: for else had I proved to her that I could not at once be with her and with the maid. Yet all the while I was tormented with the thought that I must rear a child for my servant, and mine own sons should not be my heirs, and yet must I hold my peace and be glad that none else knew of it: and with such thoughts did I daily torment myself, while my wife revelled every hour in wine; for since our marriage she had so used herself to the bottle that ’twas seldom away from her mouth, and she herself scarce went to bed any night but half-drunk: by which means she robbed her child of its nourishment and so inflamed her inward parts that soon after they fell out, and so made me a widower the second time, which went so my heart that I wellnigh laughed myself into a sickness.

Chap. x.: RELATION OF CERTAIN PEASANTS CONCERNING THE WONDERFUL MUMMELSEE

So now did I find myself restored to mine ancient freedom, but with a purse pretty well emptied of gold, and yet a great household overburdened with cattle and servants. Therefore I took my foster-father Melchior to be as my father, and my foster-mother, his wife, to be my mother, and young bastard Simplicissimus that had been laid at my door I made my heir, and handed over to these two old people house and farm, together with all my property save a few yellow-boys and jewels that I had saved and kept hidden to meet extreme need: for now had I conceived such a loathing for the company and society of all women that I had determined, having fared so ill with them, never to marry again. So this old couple, which in matters rustic could hardly meet their likes for skill, presently arranged my housekeeping in different fashion. For they got rid of such cattle and servants as were of no use, and in their place had for the farm such as would bring profit. So my old dad and my mammy bade me be of good cheer, and promised if I would let them manage all to keep me ever a good horse in the stable and myself so well furnished that I could now and then drink my measure of wine with any honest companion. And presently I was ware of what manner of people now managed my estate: for my foster-father with the labourers tilled the ground, and bargained for cattle and wood and resin sharper than any Jew, while his wife gave herself to cattle-breeding and contrived to save the milk-penny and keep it better than ten such wives as I had had. In such wise my farmyard was in short space furnished with all needful implements and cattle small and great, so that soon ’twas esteemed one of the best in that country-side: and I meanwhile took my walks abroad and gave myself up to contemplations, for when I saw how my foster-mother earned more by her bees alone, in wax and honey, than my wife had gained from cattle, swine, and all the rest together, I could well conceive that in other matters she would not be caught napping.

Now it happened on a time that I took my walk in the spa, more for the sake of a draught of fresh water than, according to my former usage, to make acquaintance with the fops: for I had begun to imitate the thriftiness of my parents, who counselled me I should not much consort with folk that so wantonly wasted their own and their father’s goods. Yet I joined myself to a company of men of moderate rank who even then were in discourse concerning a strange matter, namely, of the Mummelsee, which said they was bottomless, and which was situate on one of the highest mountains near by: and they had sent for several old peasants and would have them to tell all that one and the other had heard of this wondrous lake, to whose stories I hearkened with great delight, though I held them all to be as vain fables as be some of Plinius’s tales.

For one said if any man should tie up an odd number of things such as peas or pebbles, or what not, in a kerchief, and let it down into the water, presently the number would be even. And if one should drop in an even number, at once it became odd. Others, and indeed the most part, declared, and confirmed what they said by examples, that if a man should throw in one or more stones, however fair the skies might be till then, at once there would arise a terrible storm with fearful rain, hail and hurricane. From that they came to all manner of strange histories that had happened there, and what wondrous appearances of earth- and water-spirits had there been seen and how they had talked with mankind. One told how on a time, as certain herdsmen were keeping cattle by the lake, there arose a brown ox out of the water that mixed with the other cattle, but there followed him a little mannikin to drive him back into the lake; who would not obey till the little man had sworn that if he did not come back he should suffer all the ills of human kind. At which words ox and man again sank into the lake. Another said it happened at a time when the lake was frozen over that a peasant, with his oxen and sundry trunks of trees, such as we hew planks out of, passed over the lake without harm; but when his dog would follow him the ice broke, and so the poor beast fell in and was never seen again. And yet another swore ’twas solemn truth that a huntsman following in the track of game was passing by the lake, and there saw a water-spirit sitting with a whole lapful of coined money and playing therewith; at whom when he would have shot, the spirit sank into the water, and cried, “Hadst thou but prayed me to help thee in thy trade, I would have made thee and thine rich for life.”

Such and the like tales, which seemed to me all as fables with which we do amuse our children, did I hearken to, and never deemed it possible that there could be such a bottomless lake upon a high mountain. But there were other peasants, and those old and credible men, that affirmed that within their own and their father’s memory high and princely persons had journeyed to behold the said lake, and that a reigning Duke of Würtemberg had caused a raft to be made, and had put out into the lake thereupon to sound its depth: but that after the measures had already let down nine thread-cables (which is a measure of length better understanded of the peasants’ wives of the Black Forest than of me or any other geometer) with a sinking-lead, and yet had found no bottom, the raft, contrary to the nature of wood, began to sink, so that they that were upon it must perforce give up their purpose and make all haste to land, and so to this day can be seen the fragments of the raft on the shore of the lake, with the arms of Würtemberg and other matters carved upon the wood for a memorial of this history. Others called many witnesses to prove that a certain archduke of Austria had desired to drain the lake, but was by many dissuaded and at the petition of the people of the land the plan given up, for fear lest the whole country might be drowned and destroyed. Furthermore, the said noble princes had caused barrels full of trout to be put into the lake; all which in less than an hour died before their eyes and floated away through the outlet of the lake, notwithstanding that the stream that flows under the mountain on which the lake lies and through the valley that takes its name therefrom produces by nature such fish, and that the outlet of the lake is into the said stream.

Chap. xi.: OF THE MARVELLOUS THANKSGIVING OF A PATIENT, AND OF THE HOLY THOUGHTS THEREBY AWAKENED IN SIMPLICISSIMUS

These last did so affirm what they said that I now began almost entirely to believe them, and they did so move my curiosity that I determined to visit this wondrous lake. But of those that with me had listened to the whole story one judged one way and another another, from which sufficiently appeared their different and contradictory ways of thinking. For my part I said the German name Mummelsee40 sufficiently declared that there was about the thing, as about a masquerade, some disguise, so that none might fathom either its nature or its depth, which had never yet been discovered, though such high personages had attempted it. And with that I betook me to the same place where a year before I had seen my departed wife for the first time and drank in the sweet poison of love. And there I laid myself down on the green grass in the shade, yet took no heed as I had done before to what the nightingales did sing, but rather pondered on the changes I had suffered since then. I represented to myself how in that very place I had begun to be in place of a free man a slave of love, and how since then I had become from an officer a peasant, from a rich peasant a poor nobleman, from a Simplicissimus a Melchior, from a widower a husband, from a husband a cuckold, and from a cuckold a widower again; moreover, from a peasant’s brat I had proved to be the son of a good soldier, and yet again the son of my old dad. Then again I reflected how fate had robbed me of my Herzbruder, and in his place had provided me with two old married folk. I thought of the godly life and decease of my father; the piteous death of my mother; and, further, of the manifold changes which I had undergone in my lifetime, till I could no longer refrain myself from tears. And even while I reflected how much good money I in my lifetime had possessed and squandered away, and began to lament therefore, there came two good soakers or winebibbers on whom the gout had fastened in their limbs, whereby they were crippled and needed both the baths and to drink the waters: these set themselves down by me, for ’twas a fair place to rest, and each bewailed to the other his sad case as thinking that they were alone. So said the one, “My doctor hath sent me here either as one of whose healing he despaired or else as one that with others might help him to repay my host here for the keg of butter he sent him: I would I had either never seen him in my life or else that he had at the first sent me to the spa, for so should I either have more money than now or else be sounder, for the waters suit my case right well.” And “Ah” says the other, “I thank my God that He hath given me no more money to spare than what I have, for had my doctor known that I had more behind he had never counselled me to come to the spa; but I must have shared all between him and his apothecaries, that for this cause do oil his palms year by year—yea, even though I should have died and perished in the meanwhile. These greedy fellows send not men like us to so healthful a place till they be well assured they can help us no more, or else find us pigeons they can pluck no longer: and if the truth must be confessed, he that once deals with them, and of whom they know that he has money, must pay them only to this end, that they keep him sick.” And much more evil had these two to say of their doctors, but I care not to tell it all: otherwise might the gentlemen of that profession take it amiss and some time or other give me a dose that should purge my soul out of my body. Nay, I do but mention it for this cause, because this second patient, in giving thanks to God that He had given him no more wealth, so comforted me that I banished clean out of my mind all vexations and heavy thoughts that had assailed me on the score of money: and I did resolve to strive no more for honour nor gold nor for aught else that the world loveth. Yea, I determined to be a philosopher and to devote myself to a godly life, and in especial to lament mine own impenitence and to endeavour myself, like my dear departed father, to ascend to the highest degree of piety.

Chap. xii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS JOURNEYED WITH THE SYLPHS TO THE CENTRE OF THE EARTH

Now this desire to visit the Mummelsee increased with me when I learned from my foster-father that he had been there and knew the way thither; but when he heard that I likewise would go, “And what will ye gain,” says he, “by going thither? My son with his old dad will see naught else but the picture of a pond lying in the midst of a great wood, and when he hath paid for his present taste with sore distaste, he will have naught but repentance and weary feet (for a man can hardly come to the place by riding) and the way back instead of the way thither. Nor should ever any man have had me to go thither had I not been forced to flee there when Doctor Daniel (by which he meant Duc d’Anguin41) marched with his troops down through the country to Philippsburg.” Yet my curiosity would not be turned aside by his dissuasion, but I got me a fellow that should guide me thither; so my father, seeing my fixed intent, said, since the oat-crop was gathered in, and there was neither hoeing nor reaping to be done on the farm, he would even go with me and shew the way. For he loved me so that he would fain not let me out of his sight, and since all the people of the country believed I was his true-born son, he was proud of me; and so behaved to me and to all others as a poor man might well do in respect of a son whom good fortune, without his own help and assistance, had turned into a fine gentleman.

So together we set off over hill and dale and came to the Mummelsee; and that before we had gone six hours, for my dad was as lively as a cricket and as good a traveller as any young man. And there we consumed what meat and drink we had brought with us, for the long journey and the high mountain on which the lake lieth had made us both hungry and thirsty. So having refreshed ourselves I did inspect the lake, and found lying in it certain hewn timbers which my dad and I took to be the remains of the Würtemberg raft: and I by geometry took or estimated the length and breadth of the water (for ’twas far too wearisome to go round the lake and measure it by paces or feet), and entered the dimensions, by means of the scale of reduction, in my tablets. And having done this, the sky being completely clear and the air windless and calm, I must needs try what truth was in the legend that a storm would arise if any should throw a stone into the lake; having already found those stories I had heard, how the lake would suffer no trout to live in it, to be true, by reason of the mineral taste of the waters. So to make trial of this, I walked along the lake to the left, where the water, which elsewhere is as clear as a crystal, doth begin, by reason of the monstrous depth, to shew as black as coal, and therefore is so dreadful of appearance that the mere look of it doth terrify. And there I began to cast in stones as great as I could carry; my foster-father or dad not only refusing to help me, but warning and begging me to give over, as much as in him lay: but I went busily on with my work, and such stones as by reason of their size and weight I could not carry, I rolled down till I had cast more than thirty such into the lake. Then began the sky to be covered with black clouds, in which terrible thundering was heard, so that my dad, which stood on the other side of the lake by the outlet, lamenting over my work, cried out to me that I should escape, lest we be caught by the rain and the dreadful storm, or even a worse mishap chance to us. But in despite of all I answered him, “Father, I will stay and await the end even though it rained pitchforks.” “Yea, yea,” answered he, “ye act like all madcap boys, that care not if the world perish.”

But I, while I listened to his scolding, turned not mine eyes away from the depths of the lake, expecting to see certain bladders or bubbles rising up from the bottom, as is wont to happen when stones are thrown into deep water whether still or running. Yet saw I naught of the kind, but was ware of certain creatures floating far down in the depths, which in form reminded me of frogs, and flitted about like sparks from a mounting rocket which in the air doth work its full effect: and as they came nearer and nearer to me they seemed to grow larger and more like to the human form: at which at first great wonder took hold of me, and at last, when I saw them hard by me, a great fear and trembling. “Ah,” said I then to myself in my terror and wonder, and yet so loud that my dad, that stood beyond the lake, could hear me, though the noise of the thunder was dreadful, “how great are the wondrous works of the Creator! yea, even in the womb of the earth and the depths of the waters!” And scarce had I said these words when one of these sylphs appeared upon the waters and answered me, “Aha, and thou dost acknowledge that before thou hast seen aught thereof: what wouldst say if thou wert for once in the Centrum Terrae and beheldest our dwelling which thy curiosity hath disturbed?”

Meanwhile there rose up here and there more of such water-spirits, like diving birds, all looking upon me and bringing up again the stones I had cast in, which amazed me much. And the first and chiefest among them, whose raiment shone like pure gold and silver, cast to me a shining stone of the bigness of a pigeon’s egg and green and transparent as an emerald, with these words: “Take thou this trinket, that thou mayst have somewhat to report of us and of our lake.” But scarce had I picked it up and pocketed it when it seemed to me the air would choke or drown me, so that I could not stand upright but rolled about like a ball of yarn, and at last fell into the lake. Yet no sooner was I in the water than I recovered, and through the virtue of the stone I had upon me could breathe in water instead of air: yea, I could with small effort float in the lake as well as could the water-spirits, yea, and with them descended into the depths; which reminded me of nothing so much as of a flock of birds that so descend in circles from the upper air to light upon the ground.

But my dad having beheld this marvel in part (namely, so much of it as was done above the water), made off from the lake and home again as if his head were on fire. And there he told the whole history; but especially how the water-spirits had brought back those stones that I had cast into the lake, in the midst of the thunderstorm, and had laid them where they came from, but in exchange had taken me down with them. So some believed him but most accounted it a fable. Others conceived that I had, like another Empedocles of Agrigentum (which cast himself into Mount Aetna that all might think, since he was nowhere to be found, that he was taken up to heaven), drowned myself in the lake, and charged my father to spread such tales about me to gain for me an immortal name: for, said they, it had long been marked by my melancholic humour that I was half-desperate.

Others would fain have believed, had they not known my strength of body, that my adopted father had himself murdered me to be rid of me (being a miserly old man) and so be master alone on my farm: so that at this time naught else but the Mummelsee and me and my departure and my foster-father could be talked of or discoursed on either at the spa or in the countryside.

Chaps. xiii.-xvi. contain merely a farrago of nonsense conveyed in conversations with the prince of the Mummelsee, who explains to Simplicissimus the construction of the “earth’s crust” and the nature of sylphs, and in turn is treated by him to an account of earthly affairs, on which he makes the usual commonplace satirical remarks (see the Introduction).

Chap. xvii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS RETURNED FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE EARTH, AND OF HIS STRANGE FANCIES, HIS AIRCASTLES, HIS CALCULATIONS; AND HOW HE RECKONED WITHOUT HIS HOST

Meanwhile the time drew near that I should return home; therefore the king bade me declare my wishes, whereby I understood he was minded to do me a favour. So I said, no greater kindness could be shewn me than to cause a real medicinal spring to rise on my farm. “And is that all?” answered the king, “I had thought thou wouldst have taken with thee some of these great emeralds from the American Sea and have asked to bear them with thee back to earth. Now do I see that there is no greed among you Christians.” Therewith he handed to me a stone of strange and glittering colours, and said, “Put this in thy pouch, and wheresoever thou layest in on the ground, there will it begin to seek the Centre of the Earth again, and to pass through the most fitting mineralia, till it come back to us, and for our part we will send thee a noble mineral spring, that shall work thee such good and profit as thou hast deserved of us by thy declaration of the truth.” So thereupon the prince of the Mummelsee took me again under his charge, and passed with me through the road and the lake by which we had come. And this way back seemed to me far longer than the way thither, so that I reckoned it at three thousand five hundred German-Swiss miles well measured; but doubtless the cause that the time seemed so long to me was that I had no speech of my escort, save that I learned from them they were from three to five hundred years old and lived all this time without the least disease.

For the rest, I was in fancy so rich with my spring that all my wits and all my thoughts were busied with this, to wit, where I should plant it and how turn it to profit. And first I had my plans for the fine buildings that I must set up that the bathing-guests might be properly accommodated, and I for my part might gain great hire for lodgings. Then I devised already by what bribes I could persuade the doctors to prefer my new miraculous spa to all the others, yea, even to that of Schwalbach, and so procure for me a crowd of rich patients: in my fantasy I even levelled whole mountains lest they that came and went should find the way wearisome to travel: already I hired sharp-witted drawers, sparing cooks, careful chambermaids, watchful grooms, spruce intendants of the baths and springs, and already I thought of a place where in the midst of the wild mountains by my farm I might plant a fine level pleasure-garden, and there rear all manner of rare plants, that the bathing-guests and their wives that came from foreign parts might walk therein, where the sick might be cheered and the sound might be amused and exercised with all manner of sports and pastimes. Then must the doctors, for a reward, write me a noble treatise on my spring and set down on paper its healing qualities; and this I would have printed with a fine plate wherein my farm should be depicted and a ground plan thereof given; by reading which any absent patient might at once believe and hope himself in health again. Then would I have all my children fetched from Lippstadt, to have them taught all that was needful to know of my new watering-place; for ’twas my intent to scarify my guests’ purses well though not their backs. With such rich fancies and overweening castles in the air I came again into the upper world, for this oft-mentioned prince brought me again to land from his Mummelsee with dry clothes; and there I must forthwith cast from me the talisman that he had at first given me when he fetched me away; else had I either been choked in the air or must have plunged my head under the water again, such was the effect of the said stone. Which being done, and he having taken it to him again, we commended each other to the protection of the most High, as men that should never meet again; so he with his people dived under and sank into his depths; but I with my stone which the king had given me went thence as full of joy as if I had fetched the golden fleece home from Colchis.

But alas! my joy, of which I vainly hoped for the everlasting continuance, endured not long, for hardly was I gone from that lake of wonders when I began to go astray in that monstrous wood, for I had not marked from what direction my dad had brought me to the lake. Yet I went some way on before I was aware of my mistake, ever making calculations how I could plant that noble spring on my farm, and build round it, and earn for myself a peaceful revenue as proprietor thereof. In this way I unawares strayed further and further from the place whither I desired to come and, worst of all, I found it not out till the sun was sinking and I was helpless. For there I stood in the midst of a wilderness like Simple Simon, without food or arms, of which I might well have need during the night that was coming on. Yet I found comfort in my stone that I had brought with me from the very bowels of the earth. “Patience, patience!” said I to myself: “this will again repay thee for all sufferings undergone. All good things take time, and fine rewards be not won without great toil and labour: else would every fool need but to wipe his beard to get possession at will of even such a noble spring as thou hast in thy poke.”

And having spoken thus I got with my new resolve new strength, so that I went forward with a bolder gait than heretofore, although night now overtook me. The full moon indeed shone on me brightly, but the tall fir-trees kept the light from me more than the deep sea had done that very day; yet I made my way on, till about midnight I was ware of a fire afar off, to which I straightway walked, and saw from a distance that there were certain woodmen about it, resin-gatherers; and though such folk be not at all times to be trusted yet my necessity compelled me and my own courage urged me on to speak to them. So I came quietly behind them and said, “Good night or good day or good morrow or good even, gentlemen: for tell me what hour it is that I may know how to greet ye.” With that the whole six stood or sat there all a-tremble with fear and knew not what to answer me. For I, being of great stature and just at that time, by reason of mourning for my late wife, being in black raiment; and in especial having a terrible cudgel in mine hand, on which I leaned like a wild man of the woods, my figure seemed to them dreadful. “How,” says I, “will none answer me?” Yet they stayed yet a good while in amazement, till at last one came to himself well enough to ask, “Who be the gentleman?” By that I heard they must be of the Swabian nation; which men esteem as simple-minded yet with little cause: so I said I was a travelling scholar, but newly come from the Venusberg, where I had learned a heap of wondrous arts. “Oho,” quoth the eldest woodman, “Praise God; for now do I believe that I shall live to see peace again, because the wandering scholars are on their travels anew!”

Chap. xviii.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS WASTED HIS SPRING IN THE WRONG PLACE

In this wise we came to converse with one another, and I found so much courtesy among them that they invited me to sit down and offered me a piece of black bread and thin cow’s milk cheese, both of which I did thankfully accept. At last they became so familiar with me that they hinted I should, as a travelling scholar, tell their fortunes: and I, knowing somewhat of physiognomies and palmistry, began to tell to one after the other such stuff as I deemed would content them, that I might not lose credit with them; for in spite of all I was not at my ease among these wild woodmen. Then would they learn curious arts from me: but I fobbed them off with promises for the next day, and desired they would suffer me to rest a little. And having so played the gipsy for them. I laid myself down a little apart, more to listen and to perceive how they were minded than as having any great desire to sleep (though my appetite thereto was not lacking); and the more I snored the more wakeful they appeared. So they put their heads together and began to dispute one against another who I might be: they held that I could be no soldier because I wore black clothing, nor no townsman-blade, that could so suddenly appear far from all men’s dwellings in the Muckenloch (for so was the wood called) at so unwonted a time. At the last they resolved I must be a journeyman Latinist42 that had lost his way, or, as I myself had declared, a travelling scholar, because I could so excellently tell fortunes. “Yea,” says another, “yet he knew not all for that reason: ’tis some wandering soldier, maybe, that hath so disguised himself to spy out our cattle and the secret ways of the wood. Aha! if we knew that we would so put him to sleep that he should forget ever to wake again.” But another quickly took him up, that held the contrary and would have me to be somewhat else. Meanwhile I lay there and pricked up my ears and thought, “If these clodhoppers set upon me, two or three of them will need to bite the dust before they make an end of me.” But while they took counsel and I tormented myself with fears, of a sudden I found myself lying in a pool of water. O horrors! now was Troy lost and all my splendid plans gone to naught, for by the smell I perceived ’twas mine own mineral spring. With that, for very rage and despite, I fell into such a frenzy that I wellnigh had fallen on those six peasants and fought them all. “Ye godless rogues,” says I to them, and therewith sprang up with my terrible cudgel, “by this spring that welleth forth where I have lain ye well may see who I am; it were small wonder if I should so trounce ye all that the devil should fetch ye, because ye have dared to cherish such evil thoughts in your hearts,” and thereto I added looks so threatening and terrible that all were afraid of me. Yet presently I came to myself and perceived what folly I committed. “Nay,” thought I, “’tis better to lose the spring than one’s life, and that thou canst easily forfeit if thou attack these clowns.” So I gave them fair words again, and before they could recollect themselves: “Arise,” said I, “and taste of this noble spring which ye and all other woodmen and resin-gatherers will henceforth be able to enjoy in this wilderness through my help.”

Now this my discourse they understood not, but looked one upon another like live stockfish till they saw me very soberly take the first draught out of my hat. Then one by one they arose from beside their fire, and looked upon this miracle and tasted the water; but instead of being grateful to me as they should have been, they began to curse and said they would I had chanced on some other spot with my spring: for if their lord came to know of it, then must the whole district of Dornstett do forced-work to make a road thither, which would bring great hardship upon them. “But,” says I, “on the contrary, ye will all have your profit therefrom: for ye can turn your fowls, your eggs, your butter, and your cattle and the rest more easily into money.” “Nay, nay,” said they, “the lord will put in an innkeeper that will take all the profit alone: and we must be his poor fools to keep road and path in trim for him, and earn no thanks thereby.”

But at last they disagreed: for two were for keeping the spring and four demanded of me that I should take it away; which, had it been in my power, I had willingly done whether it pleased them or teased them. So as day began to break, and I had no more to do there, but must rather take heed lest we came together by the ears, I said that unless they were minded that all the cows in that valley should give red milk as long as the spring flowed they must presently shew me the way to Seebach; with which they were content, and to that end sent two of them with me; for one had feared to go with me alone.

So I departed thence, and though the whole land there was barren and bore nothing but pine-cones, yet would I with a curse have made it yet poorer, for there I had lost all my hopes; yet went I silently enough with my guides till I came to the top of the hill, where I could a little trace my way by the lie of the country. And there I said to them, “Now, my masters, ye can turn your new spring to fine profit if ye go forthwith and tell your lords of its coming up; for that will bring ye a rich reward, seeing that the prince will surely build about it for the glory and gain of the country, and for the promotion of his own interest will have it made known to all the world.” “Yea,” said they, “fools should we be in truth so to bind rods for our own backs; we had rather the devil would take thee and thy spring too: thou hast heard enough to know why we desire it not.” “Ah, miscreants!” quoth I, “should I not call ye disloyal rogues that depart so far from the ways of your pious forefathers, which were so true to their prince that he could boast that he might venture to lay his head upon the knees of any of his subjects and there sleep in safety. But ye blackcaps, to ‘scape a trifling task for which ye would in time be recompensed and of which all your posterity would reap a rich reward, ye be so dishonest as to refuse to make known this healing spring, which were both to the profit of your worshipful prince and also to the welfare and health of many a sick man. What would it cost ye though each should do a few days’ forced work to that end?” “How,” said they, “we would rather kill thee that thy spring might remain unknown.” “Ye night-birds,” says I, “there must be more of ye for that,” and therewith heaved up my cudgel and chased them to all the devils, and thereafter went my way down hill westwards and southwards, and so came after much toil and tumble about sunset to my farm, and found it true indeed what my dad had prophesied to me, namely, that I should get naught from this pilgrimage save weary legs and the way back for the way thither.

Chap. xix. is an uninteresting excursus on certain communities of Anabaptists in Hungary.

Chap. xx.: TREATS OF A TRIFLING PROMENADE FROM THE BLACK FOREST TO MOSCOW IN RUSSIA

The same autumn there drew near to us French, Swedish, and Hessian troops to refresh themselves among us and to keep the Free City in the neighbourhood (which was built by an English king,43 and called after his name) blockaded, for which cause every man gathered together his cattle and the best of his goods and fled into the woods among the mountains. I too did as my neighbours did and left my house pretty well empty, wherein a Swedish colonel on half-pay was lodged. The same found still remaining in my cabinet certain books, for in my haste I could not bring all away; and among others certain mathematical and geometrical essays, and also some on fortification, wherewith our engineers be principally busied, and therefore at once concluded that his quarters could belong to no common peasant, and so began to inquire of my character and to court my acquaintance, till by courteous offers and threats intermingled he wrought me to it that I should visit him at mine own farm, where he treated me very civilly and restrained his people, that they should do my goods no unnecessary damage or hurt. And by such friendly treatment he brought it about that I told him of all my business, and in especial of my family and descent. Thereat he wondered that I in the midst of war could so dwell among peasants, and look on while another tied his horse to my manger, whereas I with more honour could tie mine own horse to another’s: I should, said he, gird on the sword again and not allow my gift which God had bestowed on me to perish by the fireside, and behind the plough; for he knew, if I would enter the Swedish service, my capacity and my knowledge of war would soon raise me to high rank. This I treated but coldly, and told him advancement was ever far off if a man had no friends to take him by the hand; whereto he replied that my good qualities would soon procure me both friends and advancement; nay, more: he doubted not that I should find kinsmen at the Swedish headquarters, and those of some account, for there there were many Scottish noblemen and men of rank. Further, said he, a regiment had been promised to him himself by Torstensohn; which promise if it were kept (of which he doubted not) then would he at once make me his lieutenant-colonel. With such and the like words he made my mouth to water, and inasmuch as there were now but scanty hopes of peace, and for me to suffer further billeting of troops did but mean utter ruin, therefore I resolved to serve again, and promised the colonel to go with him if only he would keep his word and give me the post of lieutenant-colonel in the regiment he was to have.

And so the die was cast; and I sent for my dad or foster-father, which was still with my cattle at Bairischbrunn;44 and to him and his wife I devised my farm as their own property; yet on condition that after his death my bastard Simplicissimus that had been laid at my door should inherit it with all appurtenances, since there were no heirs born in wedlock. Thereafter I fetched my horse and all the gold and trinkets I still had, and having settled all my affairs and taken order for the education of my said by-blow of a son, on a sudden the blockade I spoke of was raised, so that before we looked for it we must decamp and join the main army.

Under the colonel I served as a steward, and maintained him with his servants and horses and all his household by theft and robbery, which is called in soldiers’ language foraging. But as to the promises of Torstensohn, of which he had talked so big at my farm, they were not so great by a good deal as he had given out, but as it seemed to me he was rather looked at askance. “Aha,” says he to me, “some malicious dog hath slandered me at headquarters. Yet I shall not need to wait long”: but when he suspected that I should not endure to tarry longer with him he forged letters as if he had to raise a fresh regiment in Livonia where his home was, and persuaded me to embark with him at Wismar and to sail thither. And there too we found naught, for not only had he no regiment to raise, but was besides a nobleman as poor as a church mouse: and what he had came from his wife. Yet though I had now been twice deceived and had suffered myself to be enticed so far afield, yet I took the bait the third time; for he shewed me writings he had received from Moscow, in which, as he professed, high commands in the army were offered him, for so he interpreted the said letters to me and boasted loudly of good and punctual pay: and seeing that he started off with wife and child, I thought, surely he is on no wild-goose chase.

And so with high hopes I took the road with him, for otherwise I saw no means or opportunity to get back to Germany. But as soon as we came over the Russian frontier, and sundry discharged German soldiers met us, I began to be alarmed and said to my colonel, “What the devil do we here? We leave the country where war is, and where there is peace and soldiers be of no account and disbanded, thither we come.” Yet still he gave me fair words and said I should leave it to him; he knew better what he was about than these fellows that were of no account.

But when we came in safety to the city of Moscow, I saw at once the game was up. ’Tis true my colonel conferred daily with great men, but far more with bishops than boyars, which seemed to me not so much grand as far too monkish, and aroused in me all manner of fancies and reflections, though I could not conceive what he aimed at: but in the end he revealed to me that war was over and that his conscience urged him on to embrace the Greek religion; and that his sincere advice to me was, inasmuch as otherwise he could help me no more as he had promised, to follow his example: for his Majesty the Czar had already good accounts of my person and my great capabilities: and would be graciously pleased, if I would agree to the conditions, to endow me as a knight with a fine estate and many serfs; which most gracious offer was not to be rejected, since for any man it was better to have in so great a monarch rather a gracious lord than an offended prince. At this I was much confounded, and knew not what to answer, for had I had the colonel in another place I would have answered him rather by deeds than words: but now I must play my cards otherwise, and consider the place where I was, and where I was like to a prisoner; and therefore was silent a long time before I could resolve upon an answer. At length I said to him I had indeed come with the purpose to serve the Czar’s Majesty as a soldier, to which he, the colonel, had persuaded me; and if my services in war were not needed I could not help it; far less could I lay it to the charge of the Czar that I had for his sake undertaken so long a journey in vain, for he had not written to me to come. But that his Majesty condescended so graciously to dispense his royal favour to me would be a thing for me rather to boast of before all the world than most humbly to accept it and to earn it, since I could not just now determine to alter my religion, and only wished I were dwelling again in my farm in the Black Forest and so causing no man concern or inconveniency. To which he replied, “Your honour may do as he pleases: only I had conceived that if God and good luck favoured him, he would do well to be thankful to both; but if he will accept no help and refuses to live like a prince, at least I hope he will believe that I have spared no pains to help him to the best of my ability.” Thereupon he made me a deep reverence, went his way, and left me in the lurch, not allowing me even to give him my company to the door.

So as I sat there all perplexed and reviewed my present condition I heard two Russian carriages before our lodging, and looking out of the window saw my good master colonel with his sons enter the one and his wife with her daughters the other. Which were the Czar’s carriages and his livery, and divers priests there also which waited upon this honourable family and shewed them all kindness and good will.

Chap. xxi.: HOW SIMPLICISSIMUS FURTHER FARED IN MOSCOW

From this time I was watched, not openly indeed, but secretly, by certain soldiers of the Strelitz guard, and that without my knowledge; and my colonel and his family never once came in my sight, so that I knew not what was become of him: and all this, as may easily be thought, brought in my head strange conceits and many grey hairs also. There I made the acquaintance of the Germans that dwell in Moscow, some as traders, some as mechanics, and to them lamented my plight and how I had been deceived by guile; who gave me comfort and direction how I, with a fair opportunity, might return to Germany. But so soon as they got wind of it that the Czar had determined to keep me in the land and would force me to it, they all became dumb towards me, yea, avoided my company, and ’twas hard for me even to find a shelter for my head. For I had already devoured my horse, saddle and trappings and all, and was now doling out one to-day and to-morrow another of the ducats which I had wisely sewn into my clothes. At last I began to turn into money my rings and trinkets, in the hope to keep myself so until I could find a fair occasion to get back to Germany. Meanwhile a quarter of a year was gone, after which the said colonel, with all his household, was baptized again and provided with a fine nobleman’s estate and many serfs.

At that time there went out a decree that both among natives and foreigners no idlers should be allowed (and that with heavy penalties) as those that took the bread out of the mouth of the workers, and all strangers that would not work must quit the country in a month and the town in four-and-twenty hours. With that some fifty of us joined together with intent to make our way, with God’s help, through Podolia to Germany; yet were we not two hours gone from the town when we were caught up by certain Russian troopers, on the pretence that his Majesty was greatly displeased that we had impudently dared to band together in such great numbers, and to traverse his land at pleasure without passports, saying further that his Majesty would not be going beyond his rights in sending us all to Siberia for our insolent conduct. On the way back I learned how my business stood: for the commander of the troop told me plainly, the Czar would not let me forth of the country: and his sincere advice was that I should obey his Majesty’s most gracious will and join their religion, and (as the colonel had done) not despise a fine estate; assuring me also that if I refused this and would not live among them as a lord I must needs stay as a servant against my will: nor must his Majesty be blamed that he would not allow to depart from his country a man so skilful as the before-mentioned colonel had reported me to be. Then did I disparage mine own worth, and said the honourable colonel must surely have ascribed to me more arts, virtues, and knowledge than I possessed: ’twas true indeed I had come into the land to serve his Majesty the Czar and the worshipful Russian people, even at the risk of my life, against their enemies: but to change my religion, to that I could not resolve me: yet so far as I could in any wise serve his Majesty without burdening my conscience, I would not fail to do my utmost endeavour.

Then was I set apart from the rest and lodged with a merchant, where I was openly watched, yet daily provisioned from the court with rich food and costly liquors, and also daily had visitors that talked with me and now and again would invite me as a guest. In especial there was one to whose charge I had without doubt been chiefly commended, a crafty man, that entertained me daily with friendly talk; for now could I speak Russian pretty well. So he discoursed with me oftentimes of all manner of mechanic arts, as well as of engines of war and others, and of fortification and artillery practice. At last, after much beating about the bush to find out whether I would give in to his master’s wishes, when he found there was no hope of my changing even in the least point, he begged that I would for the honour of the great Czar impart and communicate to their nation somewhat of my science: for his Majesty would requite my complaisance with high and royal favours. To which I answered, my desires had ever been to that end, most dutifully to serve the Czar, seeing that for this purpose I had come into his country, albeit I perceived that I was kept like a prisoner. But he replied, “Nay, nay, sir, ye be no prisoner, but his Majesty doth hold ye so dear that he cannot resolve to part with your person.” So says I, “Wherefore then am I guarded?” “Because,” he answered, “his Majesty feareth lest any harm should happen to ye.”

So now understanding my proposals, he said the Czar was graciously pleased to consider of digging for saltpetre in his own country and making of powder there; but because there was no one in the land that could deal with the matter, I should do him an acceptable service if I would undertake the work: to that end I should be provided with men and means enough ready to hand, and he in his own person would most sincerely beg of me not to reject such a gracious proposal, seeing that they were already well assured that I had a full knowledge of such matters. To which I answered, “Sir, I say as I said before: if I can serve his Majesty in anything, provided only he will be graciously content to leave me undisturbed in my religion, I will not fail to do my best.” Whereat the Russian, which was one of their chief magnates, was heartily glad and pledged me in drink deeper than ever a German.

Next day there came from the Czar two great nobles with an interpreter to make a final agreement with me, and presented me on behalf of the Czar with a costly Russian robe: and a few days after I began to seek for saltpetre and to instruct the Russians that had been assigned to me how to separate it from the earth and refine it; and at the same time I drew up a plan of a powder-mill, and taught others to burn charcoal, so that in brief space we had ready a goodly amount both of musquet and ordnance powder; for I had people enough, besides mine own servants that were to wait on me, or, to speak more truly, to keep watch and ward over me.

I being thus well started, there comes to me the before-mentioned colonel in Russian clothes and nobly escorted by many servants; without doubt by such a show of glory to persuade me to go over to that religion. But I knew well that the clothes came from the Czar his wardrobe, and were but lent him to make my mouth water: for ’tis the commonest of customs at the Russian court: and that the reader may understand how ’tis managed, I will give him an instance of mine own self. For once was I busied with taking order at the powder-mills (which I caused to be built on the river outside Moscow) as to what task one and the other of the people assigned to me should perform that day and the next, when of a sudden there was an alarm that the Tartars, 100,000 horse strong, were but four miles away plundering the country and advancing continually: so must I and my people needs betake ourselves to the palace, to be equipped out of the Czar’s armoury and stables. And I for my part, in place of a cuirass, was clad in a quilted silk breastplate that would stop any arrow, but could not keep out any bullet: moreover boots and spurs and a princely head-dress with a heron plume, and a sabre that would split a hair, mounted with pure gold and studded with precious stones, were given to me, and of the Czar’s horses such an one was put between my legs as I had never seen the like of in my life, far less ridden; so I and my horses blazed with gold, silver, pearls and precious stones. I had a steel mace hanging by me that shone like a mirror, and was so well made and heavy that I had easily beaten to death any that I dealt a blow with it, so that the Czar himself could not ride into battle better equipped: and there followed me a white standard with a double eagle to which the people flocked from all sides and corners, so that before two hours were over we were forty thousand strong and after four hours nigh sixty thousand, with whom we marched against the Tartars; and every quarter of an hour I had my orders from the Czar; which yet were but this, that I should this day approve myself a soldier, having given myself out for one, that his Majesty might as such esteem and recognise me. So every moment our troop was increased with great and small soldiers and officers; yet in all this haste could I discover none that should command the whole body, or array the battle. It needs not that I should tell all, for my story is not much concerned with this encounter. I will but say this only, that we came suddenly upon the Tartars in a valley or deep dip in the land, encumbered with tired horses and much booty, and least of all expecting us; whom we attacked on all sides with such fury that at the very onset we scattered them. There at the first attack I called to my followers in the Russian speech, “Come now, let each do as I do!” and that they all shouted to one another, while I with a loose rein charged at the enemy, and of the first I met, which was a Mirza or prince’s son, I cleft the head in twain, so that his brains were left hanging on my steel mace. This heroical example did the Russians follow, so that the Tartars might not withstand their attack, but turned to a general flight, while I dealt like a madman, or rather like one that from desperation seeketh death and cannot find it, for I smote down all that came before me, Tartar and Russian alike; and they that were commanded by the Czar to watch me followed me so hard that I had ever my back guarded. There was the air so full of arrows as it had been swarms of bees, of which my share was one in the arm; for I had turned back my sleeve that so with less hindrance I might use my sword and came to cleave and batter; and until I received the wound my heart did laugh within me at such bloodshed; but when I saw mine own blood flow, that laughter was turned into a mad fury.

So when these savage foes had been put to flight, it was commanded me by divers nobles in the name of the Czar that I should carry to their emperor the news how the Tartars had been defeated: and at their bidding I rode back with some hundred horsemen at my heels, with whom I rode through the town to the Czar’s palace, and was by all men received with triumph and gratulation; but so soon as I had made my report of the battle (albeit the Czar had already news of all that happened) I must again doff my princely apparel, which was again stored away in the Czar his wardrobe, though both it and the horse trappings were bespattered and befouled all over with blood and so almost entirely ruinated; whereas I had thought, since I had borne myself so knightly in the encounter, the clothes should at least have been left me, together with the horse, for a reward. But from this I could well judge how ’twas managed with the Russian robe of state of which my colonel made use; for ’tis all but lent finery which, like all else in Russia, pertaineth to the Czar alone.

Chap. xxii.: BY WHAT A SHORT AND MERRY ROAD HE CAME HOME TO HIS DAD

Now as long as my wound was a-healing ’tis true I was treated like a prince; for I walked abroad at all times clad in a furred gown of cloth of gold lined with sables, though the wound was neither mortal nor dangerous, and in all the days of my life I have never tasted such rich foods as then; but this was all the reward I had for my labours, save the praise which the Czar favoured me with, and this too was spoiled for me by the envy of certain nobles. So now, being completely sound again, was I sent down the Volga in a ship to Astrachan, to set up a powder-mill there as in Moscow, for ’twas not possible for the Czar to furnish these frontier fortresses from Moscow with fresh and good powder, which must needs be carried by water and that with great risk. And this service I willingly undertook, for I had promises that the Czar, after the accomplishment of such business, would send me back to Holland, and that with a good reward in money proportionable to my services. But alas! when we think we stand safest and most certain in the hopes and conceits we have formed, there comes a wind unawares, and in a wink blows away all the flimsy stuff whereon we had founded our hopes so long.

Yet the Governor of Astrachan treated me like the Czar himself, and in brief space I had all on a good footing; his old ammunition which was quite spoiled and ruined and could do no harm to any, I refounded (as a tinker makes new tin spoons out of old ones), which was then a thing unheard of among the Russians; by reason of which and other arts of mine some held me to be a sorcerer, others a new saint or prophet, and others, again, for a second Empedocles or Gorgias Leontinus. But being hard at work and busied at night in a powder-mill outside the fortifications, I was in thievish wise captured and carried off by a horde of Tartars, which took me with others so far into their country that I not only could see the herb Borametz or sheep-plant growing but did even eat thereof: which is a most strange vegetable; for it is like a sheep to look upon, its wool can be spun and woven like natural sheep’s wool, and its flesh is so like to mutton that even the wolves do love to eat thereof. But they that had captivated me did barter me away for certain wares of China to the Tartars of Nuichi, which again presented me as a rare gift to the King of Corea, with whom they had but then made a truce. And there was I highly valued, for there could none be found like me in the handling of sword and rapier; and there I taught the king how, with his piece over his shoulder and his back turned to the target, he could yet hit the bull’s-eye; in reward for which at my humble petition he gave me my liberty again, and let me go by way of Japonia to the Portuguese of Macao, which made but small count of me. So I went about among them like a sheep that has strayed from the flock, till at last in marvellous fashion. I was captured by Turkish corsairs, and by them, after they had dragged me about with them for a full year among strange foreign nations that do inhabit the isles of the East Indies, sold to certain merchants of Alexandria in Egypt. These carried me with their wares to Constantinople, and because the Turkish emperor was just then fitting out galleys against the Venetians and needed rowers, therefore must many Turkish merchants part with their Christian slaves (yet for ready payment), among whom I was one, as being a strong young fellow. And now must I learn to row; which heavy task nevertheless endured not more than two months: for our galley was in the Levant right valiantly overcome by the Venetians, and I with all my companions freed from the power of the Turks: and the said galley being brought to Venice with rich booty and divers Turkish prisoners of high degree, I was set at liberty, as wishing to go to Rome and on pilgrimage to Loretto, to view those places and to thank God for my deliverance. To which end I easily obtained a passport, and moreover from several honourable persons, especially Germans, reasonable help in money, so that now I could provide me with a pilgrim’s staff and enter on my journey.

So I betook me by the nearest way to Rome, where I fared right well, for both from great and small I got me much alms; and tarrying there nigh six weeks, I took my way with other pilgrims, of whom some Germans, and especially certain Switzers, to Loretto: from whence I came over the Saint Gotthard Pass back through Switzerland to my dad, which had kept my farm for me; and nothing remarkable did I bring home save a beard which I had grown in foreign parts.

Now had I been absent three years and some months, during which time I had fared over the most distant seas and seen all manner of peoples, but had commonly received from them more evil than good; of which a whole book might be writ. And in the meanwhile the Westphalian treaty had been concluded, so that I could now live with my dad in peace and quiet: and him I left to manage and to keep house, but for myself I sat down to my books, which were now both my work and my delight.

Chap. xxiii.: IS VERY SHORT AND CONCERNETH SIMPLICISSIMUS ALONE

Once did I read how the oracle of Apollo gave as answer to the Roman deputies, when they asked what they must do to rule their subjects in peace, this only, “Nosce teipsum,” which signifieth, “Let each man know himself.” This caused me to reflect upon the past and demand of myself an account of the life I had led, for I had naught else to do. So said I to myself: “Thy life hath been no life but a death, thy days a toilsome shadow, thy years a troublous dream, thy pleasures grievous sins, thy youth a fantasy, and thy happiness an alchemist’s treasure that is gone by the chimney and vanished ere thou canst perceive it. Through many dangers thou hast followed the wars, and in the same encountered much good and ill luck: hast been now high, now low: now great, now small: now rich, now poor: now merry, now sorry: now loved, now hated: now honoured, now despised: but now, poor soul, what hast thou gained from thy long pilgrimage? This hast thou gained: I am poor in goods, my heart is burdened with cares, for all good purposes I am idle, lazy, and spoilt; and, worst of all, my conscience is heavy and vexed: but thou, my soul, art overwhelmed with sin and grievously defiled; the body is weary, the understanding bemused; thine innocence is gone, the best years of youth are past, the precious time lost: naught is there that gives me pleasure, and withal I am an enemy to myself. But when I came, after my sainted father’s death, into the great world, then was I simple-minded and pure, upright and honest, truthful, humble, modest, temperate, chaste, shame-faced, pious and religious, but soon became malicious, false, treacherous, proud, restless, and above all altogether godless, all which vices I did learn without a teacher. Mine honour have I guarded not for its own sake, but for mine own exaltation. I took note of time not to employ it well for mine own soul’s welfare, but for the profit of my body. My life have I often put in jeopardy, and yet I have never busied myself to better it that I might die blest and comforted; for I looked only to the present and to my temporal profit, and never once thought on the future, much less remembered that I must some time give an account before the face of God Almighty.”

With such thoughts I tormented myself daily; and just then there came into my hands certain writings of the Franciscan friar Quevara, of which I must here set down some; for they were of such power as fully to disgust me with the world.

Chap. xxiv.: WHY AND IN WHAT FASHION SIMPLICISSIMUS LEFT THE WORLD AGAIN

The first part of the chapter is a fair translation, extending to many pages, of Quevara’s somewhat trite reflections on the vanity of a worldly life. It is taken from Albertini’s translation of a book called “Of the burden and annoyance of a courtier’s life.” 8vo. Amberg, 1599. The only part of the chapter which concerns the story is as follows.

All these words I pondered carefully and with continual thought, and they so pierced my heart that I left the world again and became a hermit. Fain would I have dwelt by my spring in the Muckenloch, but the peasants that dwelt near would not suffer it, though it had been for me a wilderness to my taste; for they feared I should reveal the spring and so move their lord to force them to make highways and byways thither, especially now that peace was secured. So I betook myself to another wilderness and began again my old life in the Spessart; but whether I shall, like my father of blessed memory, persevere therein to the end, I know not. God grant us all His grace that we may all alike obtain from Him what doth concern us most, namely, a happy

End