V
Thérèse had no weakness for Laurent in the ironical, libertine sense in which that word is commonly used in love. It was by an effort of her will that she said to him, after many nights of painful meditation:
“I wish what you wish, because we have reached the point where the sin still to be committed is the inevitable reparation of a succession of sins already committed. I have been culpable toward you, in not having had the selfish prudence to fly from you; it is better that I should be culpable toward myself by remaining your companion and your consolation, at the price of my peace of mind and my pride.—Listen,” she added, grasping his hand with all the strength of which she was capable, “do not withdraw this hand, and, whatever happens, always retain enough honor and courage to remember that before being your mistress I was your friend. I said it to myself on the first day of your passion: we loved each other too well thus, not to love each other less well under other circumstances; but that happiness could not last for me, because you no longer share it, and pain has taken the upper hand in that liaison, in which for you pain and pleasure are mingled. I simply ask you, if you become weary of my love, as you become weary of my friendship, to remember that it is not an instant of frenzy that has driven me into your arms, but an impulse of my heart and a more loving and lasting sentiment than voluptuous intoxication. I am not superior to other women, and I do not assume the right to deem myself invulnerable; but I love you so ardently and so purely that I should never have transgressed with you, if you could have been saved by my strength. After I had believed that strength was beneficial to you, that it would teach you to discover your own strength and to purge yourself of an evil past, I found that you were convinced of the contrary, so convinced that to-day the contrary has actually happened: you are becoming bitter, and it seems that, if I resist, you are ready to hate me and to return to your life of debauchery, blaspheming even our poor friendship. And so I offer to God the sacrifice of my life for you. If I am destined to suffer because of your nature or your past, so be it. I shall be amply repaid if I rescue you from the suicide you were in a fair way to commit when I first knew you. If I do not succeed, I shall at least have made the trial, and God, who knows how sincere my devotion is, will pardon me if it is of no avail!”
In the early days of this union, Laurent’s enthusiasm, gratitude, and faith were admirable to see. He rose superior to himself, he had outbursts of religious fervor, he blessed his dear mistress for having made known to him at last the true, chaste, and noble love of which he had dreamed so much, and of which he had thought that he was to be deprived forever by his own fault. She dipped him anew, he said, in the waters of his baptism, she wiped out even the memory of his evil days. It was adoration, worship, ecstatic contemplation.
Thérèse ingenuously believed in him. She abandoned herself to the joy of having caused all that happiness and restored all that grandeur of soul to one of God’s elect. She forgot all her apprehensions, or smiled at them as meaningless dreams which she had mistaken for arguments. They laughed at them together; they reproached themselves for having misunderstood each other and for not having thrown themselves on each other’s neck the very first day, they were so perfectly adapted to understand, appreciate, and cherish each other. There was no more talk of prudence, no more sermons. Thérèse had grown ten years younger. She was a child, more childish than Laurent himself; she devoted all her energies to the task of arranging his existence so that he would not feel the fold of a rose-leaf.
Poor Thérèse! Her intoxication did not last eight whole days.
Whence comes that terrible chastisement inflicted on those who have abused the forces of youth, a chastisement which consists in making them incapable of appreciating the joys of a harmonious and logical existence? Is the young man a very great criminal who, being launched in the world without a curb and with boundless aspirations, deems himself capable of exterminating all the phantoms that pass, of mastering all the pleasures that beckon to him? Is his sin anything else than ignorance, and could he have learned in his cradle that life should be a constant battle with one’s self? There are some of these young men who are really to be pitied, and whom it is difficult to condemn, some who may have been without a guide, a careful mother, a judicious friend, a sincere first mistress. Vertigo has seized them at the outset; corruption has hurled itself upon them as upon its lawful prey, to make brutes of those who have more senses than heart, to make madmen of those who struggle, as Laurent did, between the mire of reality and the ideal of their dreams.
That is what Thérèse said to herself in order to keep on loving that suffering soul, and why she endured the outrages we are about to describe.
The seventh day of their happiness was irrevocably the last. That ill-fated figure was never absent from Thérèse’s mind. Fortuitous circumstances combined to prolong that eternity of joy throughout a whole week; no one with whom she was intimate had come to see Thérèse, she had no work that was urgent; Laurent promised to set to work afresh as soon as he could resume possession of his studio, then in the hands of workmen who were making certain repairs. The heat in Paris was most oppressive; he proposed to Thérèse that they should pass forty-eight hours in the country, in the woods. It was the seventh day.
They set off by boat, and arrived at night-fall at a hotel. After dinner, they went out to ride in the forest in the lovely moonlight. They hired horses and a guide, who soon wearied them by his boastful loquacity. They had ridden about two leagues when they came to the foot of a cliff with which Laurent was familiar. He proposed to dismiss the horses and the guide, and to return on foot, even if it were a little late.
“I am sure,” said Thérèse, “I don’t know why we should not pass the whole night in the forest. There are no wolves or thieves here. Let us stay as long as you choose, and never go back, if you say so.”
They were left alone; and thereupon a strange, almost impossible scene occurred, which we must describe just as it happened. They had climbed to the top of the cliff, and were sitting on the thick moss, which was burned and withered by the intense heat. Laurent was gazing at the magnificent spectacle of the sky, where the moon dimmed the brilliancy of the stars. Only two or three of the largest could be distinguished in the zenith. Laurent, lying on his back, gazed at them.
“I would like to know,” he said, “the name of this one almost over my head; it seems to be looking at me.”
“That is Vega,” said Thérèse.
“So you know the names of all the stars, do you, my learned lady?”
“Of almost all. It isn’t difficult, and in fifteen minutes you shall know as many as I do, if you choose.”
“No, thanks; I much prefer not to know them; I prefer to give them names of my own.”
“And you are right.”
“I prefer to roam at random among those lines up yonder, and arrange combinations of groups according to my own ideas, rather than walk according to the whims of other people. After all, perhaps I am wrong, Thérèse! You prefer the beaten paths, don’t you?”
“They are softer for tender feet. I haven’t seven-league boots like you!”
“What sarcasm! you know very well that you are a stronger and better walker than I!”
“That is easily understood: it is because I have no wings to fly.”
“See to it that you don’t get hold of any and leave me behind! But let us not talk about parting: that word would make the heavens weep!”
“What! who has any idea of such a thing? Don’t say that ghastly word again!”
“No, no! let’s not think of it!” he cried, springing suddenly to his feet.
“What’s the matter, and where are you going?” she said.
“I don’t know,” he replied. “Ah! by the way——There’s an extraordinary echo here, and the last time I came here with little—you don’t care to know her name, do you? I enjoyed listening to it here, while she sang on yonder little hillock, just opposite us.”
Thérèse made no reply. He saw that this unseasonable evocation of one of his undesirable acquaintances was not a very delicate contribution to the joys of a romantic midnight expedition with the queen of his heart. Why had it come into his head? how was it that the name of some foolish virgin or other had come to his lips? He was mortified by his blunder; but, instead of ingenuously blaming himself for it and wooing oblivion by torrents of loving words which he was quite capable of pouring forth when passion inspired his heart, he determined to brazen it out, and asked Thérèse if she would sing for him.
“I could not do it,” she replied, gently. “It is a long while since I have ridden, and it has made me a little oppressed.”
“If it is only a little, make an effort, Thérèse; it will give me so much pleasure!”
Thérèse was too proud to be angry, she was only grieved. She turned her face away, and pretended to cough.
“Well, well,” said he, laughingly, “you are only a poor weak woman! And then you don’t believe in my echo, I can see that. I propose that you shall hear it. Stay here. I will climb up to the top of the hill. You are not afraid to remain alone for five minutes, I trust?”
“No,” replied Thérèse, “I am not at all afraid.”
To climb to the other height, he had to go down into the little ravine which separated it from that on which they were; but the ravine was deeper than it seemed. When Laurent, having gone down half-way, saw how far he still had to go, he stopped, reluctant to leave Thérèse alone so long, and called to her, asking if she had called him.
“No, indeed I did not!” she shouted, not wishing to thwart his caprice.
It is impossible to describe what took place in Laurent’s brain; he took that indeed I did not for a rebuke, and continued to descend, but less quickly, and musing as he walked.
“I have wounded her,” he said, “and now she is sulky, as in the days when we played at being brother and sister. Is she going to continue to have these moody fits, now that she is my mistress? But why did I wound her? I was wrong, certainly, but it was unintentional. It is impossible that some scrap of my past should not come to my mind now and then. Is it to be an insult to her and a mortification to me every time? What does my past matter to her, since she has accepted me as I am? And yet I was wrong! yes, I was wrong; but will she never happen to mention the wretch whom she loved and thought she had married? In spite of herself, Thérèse when she is with me will remember the days she lived without me, and shall I twist it into a crime?”
He instantly answered his own question:
“Oh! yes, it would be intolerable! So I have done very wrong, and I ought to have asked her pardon at once.”
But he had already reached that stage of mental fatigue when the mind is sated with enthusiasm, and when the weak and shrinking creature that every one of us is, to a greater or less extent, feels that he must resume possession of himself.
“Must humble myself again, promise again, persuade again, shed tears again?” he said to himself. “Great God! can’t she be happy and trustful for a single week? It’s my fault, I agree, but it’s hers still more for making so much out of so little, and spoiling this lovely poetic night which I had planned to pass with her in one of the loveliest spots on earth. I have been here before with rakes and wantons, it is true; but to what corner of the outskirts of Paris could I have taken her where I was not likely to run against some such unpleasant reminiscence? Surely they can hardly be said to enchant me, and it is almost cruel to reproach me with them.”
As he replied thus in his heart to the reproaches with which Thérèse was probably upbraiding him in hers, he reached the bottom of the ravine, where he felt disturbed and fatigued as after a quarrel, and threw himself on the grass in a fit of annoyance and weariness. For seven whole days he had not belonged to himself; he was conscious of a longing to reconquer his liberty, and to fancy himself alone and unsubdued for a moment.
Thérèse, for her part, was heart-broken and terrified at the same time. Why had the word parting been suddenly hurled at her like a shrill cry amid that tranquil atmosphere that they were breathing together? what was the occasion of it? how had she provoked it? She tried in vain to determine. Laurent himself could not have explained it to her. All that had followed was grossly cruel, and how angry he must have been, that man of exquisite breeding, to have said it! But what was the cause of his anger? Had he a serpent within him that gnawed his heart and extorted from him wild and blasphemous words?
She had followed him with her eyes down the slope until he had entered the dark shadow of the ravine. Then she saw him no more, and was surprised at the time that elapsed before he appeared on the slope of the other hill. She was frightened at last—he might have fallen over some precipice. In vain did her eager glances question the grass-grown depths, bristling with huge, dark rocks. She rose, intending to call to him, when an indescribable cry of distress reached her ears, a hoarse, ghastly, desperate shriek, which made her hair stand on end.
She darted away like an arrow in the direction of the voice. If there had really been a precipice, she would have rushed over the edge without reflection; but there was only a steep incline, where she slipped several times on the moss and tore her dress on the bushes. Nothing stopped her; she reached Laurent’s side, how, she knew not, and found him on his feet, with haggard eyes and trembling convulsively.
“Ah! here you are,” he said, grasping her arm; “you did well to come! I should have died!”
And, like Don Juan after the reply of the statue, he added in a sharp, abrupt tone: “Let us go away from here!”
He led her to the road, walking at random, and unable to tell what had happened to him.
He became calmer at last, after ten or fifteen minutes, and sat down beside her in a clearing. They had no idea where they were; the ground was strewn with flat rocks which resembled tombs, and among them grew juniper-trees, which one might well have mistaken at night for cypresses.
“Mon Dieu!” said Laurent, suddenly, “are we in a cemetery? Why did you bring me here?”
“It is simply a tract of untilled land,” she replied. “We passed through many similar ones this evening. If you don’t like it, let’s not stop here, but go back under the large trees.”
“No, let us stay here,” he rejoined. “Since chance or destiny brings these thoughts of death into my mind, I may as well face them and exhaust their horror. They have their charm, like everything else, have they not, Thérèse? Everything that moves the imagination powerfully, affords us enjoyment, more or less painful. When a head is to fall on the scaffold, the multitude goes to see, and it is altogether natural. We cannot live upon mild emotions alone; we need terrible emotions to make us realize the intensity of life.”
He spoke thus, as if at random, for some moments. Thérèse dared not question him, and strove to divert his thoughts; she saw that he had had an attack of delirium. At last, he recovered sufficiently to desire and to be able to describe it to her.
He had had an hallucination. As he lay on the grass, in the ravine, his brain had become confused. He had heard the echo sing all by itself, and its song was an obscene refrain. Then, as he raised himself on his elbow to seek an explanation of the phenomenon, he had seen a man rush toward him over the grass, a pale-faced man, with torn garments, and his hair flying in the wind.
“I saw him so plainly,” he said, “that I had time to say to myself that he was some belated citizen who had been surprised and pursued by robbers, and I even looked for my cane to go to his assistance, but my cane was lost in the grass, and the man was still running toward me. When he was close to me, I saw that he was drunk and that no one was chasing him. As he passed me, he cast a stupid, hideous glance at me, and made a fiendish grimace of hatred and contempt. Then I was afraid, and threw myself face downward on the ground, for that man—was myself!—Yes, it was my ghost, Thérèse. Don’t be frightened, don’t think me mad, it was a vision. I realized it when I found myself alone in the darkness. I could not have distinguished the features of any human face, I had seen that one only in my imagination; but how distinct, how ghastly, how horrible it was. It was myself twenty years older, with features wasted by debauchery or disease, wild eyes, a brutalized mouth, and, despite the total wiping out of my vitality, there was enough energy remaining in that phantom to insult and defy the creature that I am now. Thereupon, I said to myself: ‘O my God! is that what I shall be in my mature years?’ This evening, there came into my mind the memory of some miserable past experiences of mine, and I blurted them out involuntarily; is it because I still bear within me that old man from whom I believed that I was free? The spectre of debauchery will not release his victims, and even in Thérèse’s arms he will mock at me and cry: ‘It is too late!’
“Then I rose to go back to you, my poor Thérèse. I intended to ask your pardon for my vileness and to beg you to save me; but I don’t know how many minutes or centuries I should have turned round and round, unable to take a step forward, if you had not come to me at last. I recognized you instantly, Thérèse; I was not afraid of you, and I felt that I was saved.”
It was difficult to determine, when Laurent talked thus, whether he was telling of something that had really happened, or whether he had confused in his brain an allegory born of his bitter reflections and a vision which he had seen indistinctly in a sort of half-sleep. He swore, however, that he did not fall asleep on the grass, and that he had not once lost consciousness of the place where he was or of the passage of time; but even that was difficult to decide. Thérèse had lost sight of him, and to her the time had seemed mortally long.
She asked him if he were subject to these hallucinations.
“Yes,” he said, “when I am drunk; but I have been drunk with love only, in the fortnight that you have been mine.”
“The fortnight!” echoed Thérèse in amazement.
“No, less than that,” he replied; “don’t split hairs with me about dates; you see that I have not my wits as yet. Let us walk, that will fix me all right.”
“But you need rest; we must think of returning to the hotel.”
“Well, what are we doing?”
“We are not going in the right direction; our backs are turned to our starting-point.”
“Do you want me to go back over that infernal rock?”
“No, but let us go to the right.”
“That is just the wrong direction.”
Thérèse insisted that she was not mistaken. Laurent refused to yield; he even lost his temper, and spoke in an irritated tone, as if that were a subject for quarrelling. Thérèse yielded at last, and followed where he chose to go. She was completely crushed by emotion and sadness. Laurent had spoken to her in a tone which she had never dreamed of assuming with Catherine, even when the old servant angered her. She forgave him because she felt that he was ill; but his state of painful excitement alarmed her so much the more.
Thanks to Laurent’s obstinacy, they lost themselves in the forest, walked about four hours, and did not return to the hotel until daybreak. The walking in the fine, heavy sand of the forest is very fatiguing. Thérèse could hardly drag herself along, and Laurent, revivified by that violent exercise, did not think of slackening his pace out of regard for her. He walked ahead, constantly asserting that he had found the right path, asking her from time to time if she were tired, and never suspecting that, when she answered no, her purpose was to spare him any regret for having caused the misadventure.
The next day, Laurent had forgotten all about it; he had suffered a severe shock, however, from that strange attack, but it is a peculiarity of excessively nervous temperaments that they recover from such shocks as if by magic. Indeed, Thérèse had occasion to notice, that on the day following that lamentable experience it was she who was utterly exhausted, while he seemed to have acquired fresh strength.
She had not slept, expecting to find him suffering from some serious illness; but he took a bath, and felt quite disposed to repeat the excursion. He seemed to have forgotten how disastrous that nocturnal experience had been to the honeymoon! The melancholy impression soon wore away, so far as Thérèse was concerned. When they returned to Paris, she imagined that nothing had changed between them; but that same evening Laurent chose to draw a caricature of Thérèse and himself wandering through the forest by moonlight, he with his wild, distraught look, she with her torn gown and her fatigue-stricken body. Artists are so accustomed to make caricatures of one another, that Thérèse was amused by this one; but, although she, too, had plenty of facility and humor at the end of her pencil, she would not have caricatured Laurent for anything in the world; and when she saw him sketch from a comical standpoint that nocturnal scene which had so tortured her, she was deeply grieved. It seemed to her that there are certain sorrows of the heart which can never have a ridiculous side.
Laurent, instead of understanding her feeling, became still more satirical. He wrote under his own figure: Lost in the forest and in his mistress’s heart; and under Thérèse’s: Her heart is as sadly rent as her gown. The picture was entitled: Honeymoon in a Cemetery. Thérèse forced herself to smile; she praised the drawing, which, despite its buffoonery, revealed the hand of the master, and she made no reflection on the unfortunate choice of a subject. She made a mistake: she would have done better to demand at the outset that Laurent should not let his hilarity run about at random in long boots. She allowed him to tread on her toes because she was still afraid that he might be ill and might be seized with delirium in the midst of his dismal jesting.
Two or three other incidents of this nature having put her on her guard, she began to wonder whether the unexciting, regular life which she sought to give her friend was the regimen best adapted to that exceptional nature. She had said to him:
“Perhaps you will be bored sometimes; but ennui is a welcome rest from vertigo, and when your mental health has fully returned, you will be amused by trifles and will know what real cheerfulness is.”
But matters turned out differently. Laurent did not admit his ennui, but it was impossible for him to endure it, and he vented it in strange and bitter caprices. He lived a life of constant ups and downs. Abrupt transitions from reverie to wild excitement, and from absolute indifference to noisy extravagance, became with him a normal condition, and he could not live without them. The happiness that he had found so delicious for a few days, began to irritate him like the sight of the sea during a flat calm.
“You are lucky,” he said to Thérèse, “to wake every morning with your heart in the same place. You see, I lose mine while I am asleep. It is like the night-cap my nurse used to put on my head when I was a baby; sometimes she found it at my feet and sometimes on the floor.”
Thérèse said to herself that it was impossible that serenity could come to that troubled soul all at once, and that it must become accustomed to it by degrees. To that end, he must not be prevented from returning sometimes to active life; but how could she arrange it so that activity would not be a blemish, a deadly blow dealt at their ideal? Thérèse could not be jealous of the mistresses Laurent had had previously; but she could not understand how she could kiss his brow on the morrow of a debauch. She must, therefore, since the work, which he had resumed with great ardor, excited him instead of calming him, seek with him a vent for that surplus energy. The natural vent would have been the enthusiasm of love; but that was an additional source of excitement, after which Laurent would fain have scaled the third heaven; lacking the strength for that, he turned his eyes in the direction of hell, and his brain, sometimes his very face, received a diabolical reflection therefrom.
Thérèse studied his tastes and his caprices, and was surprised to find them easy to satisfy. Laurent was greedy of diversion and of surprises; it was not necessary to take him among scenes of enchantment that could never exist in real life; it was enough to take him no matter where, and provide some amusement for him which he did not expect. If, instead of giving him a dinner at home, Thérèse informed him, putting on her hat the while, that they were to dine together at a restaurant, and if she suddenly asked him to take her to an entirely different sort of play from the one to which she had previously asked him to take her, he was overjoyed by that unexpected diversion and took the keenest pleasure in it; whereas, if they simply carried out a plan marked out beforehand, he was certain to feel an insurmountable distaste for it and a disposition to sneer at everything. So Thérèse treated him as a convalescent child, to whom one refuses nothing, and she chose to pay no heed to the resultant inconveniences to which she was subjected.
The first and most serious was the danger of compromising her reputation. She was commonly said to be, and known to be, virtuous. Everybody was not convinced that she had never had any other lover than Laurent; indeed, some person having reported that she had been seen in Italy years before with the Comte de ——, who had a wife in America, she was supposed to have been kept by the man whom she had actually married, and we have seen that Thérèse preferred to endure that blot upon her fame rather than engage in a scandalous contest with the miserable wretch whom she had loved; but every one was agreed in considering her a prudent and sensible woman.
“She keeps up appearances,” people said; “there is never any rivalry or scandal about her; all her friends respect her and speak well of her. She is a clever woman, and seeks nothing more than to pass unnoticed; which fact adds to her merit.”
When she was seen away from home, on Laurent’s arm, people began to be surprised, and the blame was all the more severe because she had kept clear of it so long. Laurent’s talent was highly esteemed by artists generally, but he had very few real friends among them. They took it ill of him that he played the gentleman with fashionable young men of another class, and, on the other hand, his friends in that other class could not understand his conversion and did not believe in it. So that Thérèse’s fond and devoted love was regarded as a frenzied caprice. Would a chaste woman have chosen for her lover, in preference to all the serious men of her acquaintance, the only one who had led a dissolute life with all the vilest harlots in Paris? And, in the eyes of those who did not choose to condemn Thérèse, Laurent’s violent passion seemed to be simply a successful piece of lechery, of which he was shrewd enough to shake himself clear when he was weary of it.
Thus on all sides Mademoiselle Jacques lost caste on account of the choice which she had made and which she seemed desirous to advertise.
Such, unquestionably, was not Thérèse’s purpose; but with Laurent, although he had resolved to encompass her with respect, it was hardly possible to conceal her mode of life. He could not renounce the outside world, and she must either let him return thither alone to his destruction or go with him to preserve him from destruction. He was accustomed to see the crowd and to be seen by it. When he had lived in retirement a single day, he fancied that he had fallen into a cellar, and shouted lustily for gas and sunlight.
In addition to this loss of consideration, Thérèse was called upon to make another sacrifice: she was no longer sure of her footing pecuniarily. Hitherto she had earned enough money by her work to live comfortably, but only by observing strict regularity in her habits, by looking carefully after her expenses, and by working faithfully and regularly. Laurent’s passion for the unexpected soon straitened her. She concealed her position from him, being unwilling to refuse to sacrifice to him that priceless time which constitutes the larger part of the artist’s capital.
But all this was simply the frame of a much gloomier picture, over which Thérèse threw a veil so thick that no one suspected her unhappiness, and her friends, scandalized or distressed by her situation, held aloof from her, saying:
“She is intoxicated. Let us wait until she opens her eyes; that will come very soon.”
It had already come. Thérèse acquired more and more thoroughly every day the sad certainty that Laurent no longer loved her, or loved her so little that there was no further hope of happiness, either for him or for her, in their union. It was in Italy that they both became absolutely certain of the fact, and we are now to describe their journey thither.