The Hague Conference
“I see,” said Mr. Hennessy, “we’re goin’ to sind th’ navy to th’ Passyfic.”
“I can’t tell,” said Mr. Dooley, “whether th’ navy is goin’ to spend th’ rest iv its days protectin’ our possessions in th’ Oryent or whether it is to remain in th’ neighborhood iv Barnstable makin’ th’ glaziers iv New England rich beyond th’ dhreams iv New England avarice, which ar-re hopeful dhreams. Th’ cabinet is divided, th’ Sicrety iv th’ Navy is divided, th’ Prisidint is divided an’ th’ press is divided. Wan great iditor, fr’m his post iv danger in Paris, has ordhered th’ navy to report at San Francisco at four eight next Thursday. Another great iditor livin’ in Germany has warned it that it will do so at its peril. Nawthin’ is so fine as to see a great modhern journalist unbend fr’m his mighty task iv selectin’ fr’m a bunch iv phottygrafts th’ prettiest cook iv Flatbush or engineerin’ with his great furrowed brain th’ Topsy Fizzle compytition to trifle with some light warm-weather subjict like internaytional law or war. But men such as these can do annything.
“But, annyhow, what diff’rence does it make whether th’ navy goes to th’ Passyfic or not? If it goes at all, it won’t be to make war. They’ve dumped all th’ fourteen inch shells into th’ sea. Th’ ammunition hoists ar-re filled with American beauty roses an’ orchids. Th’ guns are loaded with confetty. Th’ officers dhrink nawthin’ sthronger thin vanilla an’ sthrawberry mixed. Whin th’ tars go ashore they hurry at wanst to th’ home iv th’ Christyan Indeavor Society or throng th’ free libries readin’ relligous pothry. Me frind Bob Evans is goin’ to conthribute a series iv articles to th’ Ladies’ Home Journal on croshaying. F’r th’ Hague Peace Conference has abolished war, Hinnissy. Ye’ve seen th’ last war ye’ll iver see, me boy. Th’ Hague conference, Hinnissy, was got up be th’ Czar iv Rooshya just befure he moved his army agin th’ Japs. It was a quiet day at Saint Pethersburg. Th’ Prime Minister had just been blown up with dinnymite, th’ Czar’s uncle had been shot, an’ wan iv his cousins was expirin’ fr’m a dose iv proosic acid. All was comparitive peace. In th’ warrum summer’s afthernoon th’ Czar felt almost dhrousy as he set in his rile palace an’ listened to th’ low, monotonous-drone iv bombs bein’ hurled at th’ Probojensky guards, an’ picked th’ broken glass out iv th’ dhrink that’d just been brought to him be an aged servitor who was prisidint iv th’ Saint Pethersburg lodge iv Pathriotic Assassins. Th’ monarch’s mind turned to th’ subjick iv war an’ he says to himsilf: ‘What a dhreadful thing it is that such a beautiful wurruld shud be marred be thousands iv innocint men bein’ sint out to shoot each other f’r no cause whin they might betther stay at home an’ wurruk f’r their rile masthers,’ he says. ‘I will disguise mesilf as a moojik an’ go over to th’ tillygraft office an’ summon a meetin’ iv th’ Powers,’ he says.
“That’s how it come about. All th’ powers sint dillygates an’ a g-reat manny iv th’ weaknesses did so too. They met in Holland an’ they have been devotin’ all their time since to makin’ war impossible in th’ future. Th’ meetin’ was opened with an acrimonyous debate over a resolution offered be a dillygate fr’m Paryguay callin’ f’r immeejit disarmamint, which is th’ same, Hinnissy, as notifyin’ th’ Powers to turn in their guns to th’ man at th’ dure. This was carrid be a very heavy majority. Among those that voted in favor iv it were: Paryguay, Uryguay, Switzerland, Chiny, Bilgium, an’ San Marino. Opposed were England, France, Rooshya, Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an’ the United States.
“This was regarded be all present as a happy auggry. Th’ convintion thin discussed a risolution offered be th’ Turkish dillygate abolishin’ war altogether. This also was carried, on’y England, France, Rooshya, Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an’ th’ United States votin’ no.
“This made th’ way clear f’r th’ discussion iv th’ larger question iv how future wars shud be conducted in th’ best inthrests iv peace. Th’ conference considhered th’ possibility iv abolishin’ th’ mushroom bullet which, entherin’ th’ inteeryor iv th’ inimy not much larger thin a marble, soon opens its dainty petals an’ goes whirlin’ through th’ allyminthry canal like a pin-wheel. Th’ Chinese dillygate said that he regarded this here insthrumint iv peace as highly painful. He had an aunt in Pekin, an estimable lady, unmarried, two hundhred an’ fifty years iv age, who received wan without warnin’ durin’ th’ gallant riscue iv Pekin fr’m th’ foreign legations a few years ago. He cud speak with feelin’ on th’ subjick as th’ Chinese army did not use these pro-jictyles but were armed with bean-shooters.
“Th’ English dillygate opposed th’ resolution. ‘It is,’ says he, ‘quite thrue that these here pellets are in many cases harmful to th’ digestion, but I think it wud be goin’ too far to suggest that they be abolished ontil their mannyfacther is betther undherstud be th’ subjick races,’ he says. ‘I suppose wan iv these bullets might throw a white man off his feed, but we have abundant proof that whin injicted into a black man they gr-reatly improve his moral tone. An’ afther all, th’ improvemint iv th’ moral tone is, gintlemen, a far graver matther thin anny mere physical question. We know fr’m expeeryence in South Africa that th’ charmin’ bullet now undher discussion did much to change conditions in that enlightened an’ juicy part iv his Majesty’s domains. Th’ darky that happened to stop wan was all th’ betther f’r it. He retired fr’m labor an’ give up his squalid an’ bigamious life,’ he says. ‘I am in favor, howiver, iv restrictin’ their use to encounters with races that we properly considher infeeryor,’ he says. Th’ dillygate fr’m Sinagambya rose to a question iv privilege. ‘State ye’er question iv privilege,’ says th’ chairman. ‘I wud like to have th’ windows open,’ says th’ dillygate fr’m Sinagambya. ‘I feel faint,’ he says.
“Th’ Honorable Joe Choate, dillygate fr’m th’ United States, moved that in future wars enlisted men shud not wear ear-rings. Carried, on’y Italy votin’ no.
“Th’ conference thin discussed blowin’ up th’ inimy with dinnymite, poisinin’ him, shootin’ th’ wounded, settin’ fire to infants, bilin’ prisoners-iv-war in hot lard, an’ robbin’ graves. Some excitemint was created durin’ th’ talk be th’ dillygate fr’m th’ cannybal islands who proposed that prisoners-iv-war be eaten. Th’ German dillygate thought that this was carryin’ a specyal gift iv wan power too far. It wud give th’ cannybal islands a distinct advantage in case iv war, as Europeen sojers were accustomed to horses. Th’ English dillygate said that while much cud be said against a practice which personally seemed to him rather unsportsmanlike, still he felt he must reserve th’ right iv anny cannybal allies iv Brittanya to go as far as they liked. Th’ Hon’orable Joe Choate moved that in future wars no military band shud be considered complete without a base-dhrum. Carrid.
“Th’ entire South American dillygation said that no nation ought to go to war because another nation wanted to put a bill on th’ slate. Th’ English dillygate was much incensed. ‘Why, gintlemen’, says he, ‘if ye deprived us iv th’ right to collect debts be killin’ th’ debtor ye wud take away fr’m war its entire moral purpose. I must ask ye again to cease thinkin’ on this subjick in a gross mateeryal way an’ considher th’ moral side alone,’ he says. Th’ conference was much moved be this pathetic speech, th’ dillygate fr’m France wept softly into his hankerchef, an’ th’ dillygate fr’m Germany wint over an’ forcibly took an open-face goold watch fr’m th’ dillygate fr’m Vinzwala.
“Th’ Hon’rable Joe Choate moved that in all future wars horses shud be fed with hay wheriver possible. Carrid. A long informal talk on th’ reinthroduction iv scalpin’ followed. At last th’ dillygate fr’m Chiny arose an’ says he: ‘I’d like to know what war is. What is war annyhow?’ ‘Th’ Lord knows, we don’t,’ says th’ chairman. ‘We’re all profissors iv colledges or lawyers whin we’re home,’ he says. ‘Is it war to shoot my aunt?’ says th’ dillygate fr’m Chiny. Cries iv ‘No, no.’ ‘Is it war to hook me father’s best hat that he left behind whin he bashfully hurrid away to escape th’ attintions iv Europeen sojery?’ he says. ‘Is robbery war?’ says he. ‘Robbery is a nicissry part iv war,’ says th’ English dillygate. ‘F’r th’ purpose iv enfoorcin’ a moral example,’ he says.
“‘Well,’ says old Wow Chow, ‘I’d like to be able to go back home an’ tell thim what war really is. A few years back ye sint a lot iv young men over to our part iv th’ wurruld an’ without sayin’ with ye’er leave or by ye’er leave they shot us an’ they hung us up be our psyche knots an’ they burned down our little bamboo houses. Thin they wint up to Pekin, set fire to th’ town, an’ stole ivry thing in sight. I just got out iv th’ back dure in time to escape a jab in th’ spine fr’m a German that I niver see befure. If it hadn’t been that whin I was a boy I won th’ hundred yards at th’ University iv Slambang in two hours an’ forty minyits, an’ if it hadn’t happened that I was lightly dhressed in a summer overskirt an’ a thin blouse, an’ if th’ German hadn’t stopped to steal me garters, I wudden’t be here at this moment,’ says he. ‘Was that war or wasn’t it?’ he says. ‘It was an expedition,’ says th’ dillygate fr’m England, ‘to serve th’ high moral jooties iv Christyan civvylization.’ ‘Thin,’ says th’ dillygate fr’m Chiny, puttin’ on his hat, ‘I’m f’r war,’ he says. ‘It ain’t so rough,’ he says. An’ he wint home.”