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Mr. Dooley in the Hearts of His Countrymen

by Finley Peter Dunne

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A Brand From the Burning

“I see be th’ pa-apers,” said Mr. Dooley, “that Boss have flew th’ coop. ’Tis too bad, too bad. He wa-as a gr-reat man.”

“Is he dead?” asked Mr. McKenna.

“No, faith, worse thin that; he’s resigned. He calls th’ la-ads about him, an’ says he: ‘Boys,’ he says, ‘I’m tired iv politics,’ he says. ‘I’m goin’ to quit it f’r me health,’ he says. ‘Do ye stay in, an’ get ar-rested f’r th’ good iv th’ party.’ Ye see thim mugwumps is afther th’ Boss, an’ he’s gettin’ out th’ way Hogan got out iv Connock. Wan day he comes over to me fa-ather’s house, an’ says he, ‘Dooley,’ he says, ‘I’m goin’ to lave this hole iv a place,’ he says. ‘F’r why?’ says th’ ol’ man; ‘I thought ye liked it.’ ‘Faith,’ says Hogan, ‘I niver liked a blade iv grass in it,’ he says. ‘I’m sick iv it,’ he says. ‘I don’t want niver to see it no more.’ And he wint away. Th’ next mornin’ th’ polis was lookin’ f’r him to lock him up f’r stealin’ joo’lry in the fair town. Yes, by dad.

“’Tis th’ way iv th’ boss, Jawn. I seen it manny’s th’ time. There was wanst a boss in th’ Sixth Wa-ard, an’ his name was Flannagan; an’ he came fr’m th’ County Clare, but so near th’ bordher line that no wan challenged his vote, an’ he was let walk down Ar-rchey Road just’s though he come fr’m Connock. Well, sir, whin I see him first, he’d th’ smell iv Castle Garden on him, an’ th’ same is no mignonette, d’ye mind; an’ he was goin’ out with pick an’ shovel f’r to dig in th’ canal,—a big, shtrappin’, black-haired lad, with a neck like a bull’s an’ covered with a hide as thick as wan’s, fr’m thryin’ to get a crop iv oats out iv a Clare farm that growed divvle th’ thing but nice, big boldhers.

“He was de-termined, though, an’ th’ first man that made a face at him he walloped in th’ jaw; an’ he’d been on th’ canal no more thin a month before he licked ivry man in th’ gang but th’ section boss, who’d been a Dublin jackeen, an’ weighed sixteen stone an’ was great with a thrip an’ a punch. Wan day they had some wurruds, whin me bold Dublin man sails into Flannagan. Well, sir, they fought fr’m wan o’clock till tin in th’ night, an’ nayther give up; though Flannagan had th’ best iv it, bein’ young. ‘Why don’t ye put him out?’ says wan iv th’ la-ads. ‘Whisht,’ says Flannagan. ‘I’m waitin’ f’r th’ moon to come up,’ he says, ‘so’s I can hit him right,’ he says, ‘an’ scientific.’ Well, sir, his tone was that fierce th’ section boss he dhropped right there iv sheer fright; an’ Flannagan was cock iv th’ walk.

“Afther a while he begun f’r to go out among th’ other gangs, lookin’ f’r fight; an’, whin th’ year was over, he was knowed fr’m wan end iv th’ canal to th’ other as th’ man that no wan cud stand befure. He got so pop’lar fr’m lickin’ all his frinds that he opened up a liquor store beyant th’ bridge, an’ wan night he shot some la-ads fr’m th’ ya-ards that come over f’r to r-run him. That made him sthronger still. When they got up a prize f’r th’ most pop’lar man in th’ parish, he loaded th’ ballot box an’ got th’ goold-headed stick, though he was r-runnin’ against th’ aldherman, an’ th’ little soggarth thried his best to down him. Thin he give a cock fight in th’ liquor shop, an’ that atthracted a gang iv bad men; an’ he licked thim wan afther another, an’ made thim his frinds. An’ wan day lo an’ behold, whin th’ aldherman thried f’r to carry th’ prim’ries that ’d niver failed him befure, Flannagan wint down with his gang an’ illicted his own dilligate ticket, an’ thrun th’ aldherman up in th’ air!

“Thin he was a boss, an’ f’r five years he r-run th’ ward. He niver wint to th’ council, d’ye mind; but, whin he was gin’rous, he give th’ aldhermen tin per cint iv what they made. In a convintion, whin anny iv th’ candydates passed roun’ th’ money, ’twas wan thousand dollars f’r Flannagan an’ have a nice see-gar with me f’r th’ rest iv thim. Wan year fr’m th’ day he done th’ aldherman he sold th’ liquor shop. Thin he built a brick house in th’ place iv th’ little frame wan he had befure, an’ moved in a pianny f’r his daughter. ’Twas about this time he got a dimon as big as ye’er fist, an’ begun to dhrive down town behind a fast horse. No wan knowed what he done, but his wife said he was in th’ r-rale estate business. D’ye mind, Jawn, that th’ r-rale estate business includes near ivrything fr’m vagrancy to manslaughter?

“Whativer it was he done, he had money to bur-rn; an’ th’ little soggarth that wanst despised him, but had a hard time payin’ th’ debt iv th’ church, was glad enough to sit at his table. Wan day without th’ wink iv th’ eye he moved up in th’ avnoo, an’ no wan seen him in Bridgeport afther that. ’Twas a month or two later whin a lot iv th’ la-ads was thrun into jail f’r a little diviltry they’d done f’r him. A comity iv th’ fathers iv th’ la-ads wint to see him. He raceived thim in a room as big as wan iv their whole houses, with pitchers on th’ walls an’ a carpet as deep an’ soft as a bog. Th’ comity asked him to get th’ la-ads out on bail.

“‘Gintlemen,’ he says, ‘ye must excuse me,’ he says, ‘in such matthers.’ ‘D’ye mane to say,’ says Cassidy, th’ plumber, ‘that ye won’t do annything f’r my son?’ ‘Do annything,’ says Flannagan. (I’ll say this f’r him: a more darin’ man niver drew breath; an’, whin his time come to go sthandin’ off th’ mob an’ defindin’ his sthone quarry in th’ rites iv sivinty-sivin, he faced death without a wink.) ‘Do?’ he says, risin’ an’ sthandin’ within a fut iv Cassidy’s big cane. ‘Do?’ he says. ‘Why,’ he says, ‘yes,’ he says; ‘I’ve subscribed wan thousand dollars,’ he says, ‘to th’ citizen’s comity,’ he says, ‘f’r to prosecute him; an’,’ he says, ‘gintlemen,’ he says, ‘there’s th’ dure.’

“I seen Cassidy that night, an’ he was as white as a ghost. ‘What ails ye?’ says I. ‘Have ye seen th’ divvle?’ ‘Yes,’ he says, bendin’ his head over th’ bar, an’ lookin’ sivinty years instead iv forty-five.”

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