II I Fall Into Disgrace
That first lonely evening when I crept off alone, feeling that no one wanted me, was the most miserable of my life. I rolled up in a corner of my bed and cried myself to sleep.
Presently I was awakened by somebody saying, “Here he is!” and uncovering my hot head. My mother and Peggotty had come to look for me, and it was one of them who had done it.
“Davy,” said my mother, “what’s the matter?”
I thought it very strange that she should ask me, and answered, “Nothing.” I turned over on my face, I recollect, to hide my trembling lip, which answered her with greater truth.
“Davy,” said my mother. “Davy, my child!”
I dare say, no words she could have uttered would have affected me so much, then, as her calling me her child. I hid my tears in the bedclothes, and pressed her from me with my hand, when she would have raised me up.
Then I felt the touch of a hand that I knew was neither hers nor Peggotty’s, and slipped to my feet at the bedside. It was Mr. Murdstone’s hand, and he kept it on my arm as he said:
“What’s this? Clara, my love, have you forgotten? Firmness, my dear!”
“I am very sorry, Edward,” said my mother. “I meant to be very good.”
“Go below, my dear,” he answered. “David and I will come down together.”
When we two were left alone, he shut the door, and sitting on a chair, and holding me standing before him, looked steadily into my eyes.
“David,” he said, making his lips thin, by pressing them together, “if I have an obstinate horse or dog to deal with, what do you think I do?”
“I don’t know.”
“I beat him. I make him wince and smart. I say to myself, ‘I’ll conquer that fellow’; and if it were to cost him all the blood he had, I should do it. What is that upon your face?”
“Dirt,” I said.
He knew it was the mark of tears as well as I. But if he had asked the question twenty times, each time with twenty blows, I believe my baby heart would have burst before I would have told him so.
“You have a good deal of intelligence for a little fellow,” he said, with a grave smile that belonged to him, “and you understood me very well, I see. Wash that face, sir, and come down with me.”
“Clara, my dear,” he said, when I had done his bidding, and he walked me into the parlor, with his hand still on my arm; “you will not be made uncomfortable any more, I hope. We shall soon improve our youthful humors.”
What a little thing will change the current of our lives! I might have been made another creature perhaps by a kind word just then. A word of welcome home, of assurance that it was home, might have made me respect my new father instead of hate him. But the word was not spoken, and the time for it was gone.
From that time my life was a lonely one. My mother petted me in secret, but plainly stood in awe of Mr. Murdstone; and even the dauntless Peggotty must needs keep her peace. His word alone was law.
After a time his sister, Miss Murdstone, came to live with us. And from the second day of her arrival she took charge of the household keys, and managed things with a firmness second only to her brother himself.
There had been some talk of my going to boarding-school. Mr. and Miss Murdstone had originated it, and my mother had of course agreed with them. Nothing, however, was concluded on the subject yet, and in the meantime I learned my lessons at home.
Shall I ever forget those lessons! They were presided over nominally by my mother, but really by Mr. Murdstone and his sister, who were always present, and found them a favorable occasion for giving my mother lessons in that miscalled firmness which was the bane of both our lives. I believe I was kept at home for that purpose. I had been apt enough to learn, and willing enough, when my mother and I had lived alone together. I can faintly remember learning the alphabet at her knee. To this day, when I look upon the fat black letters in the primer, the puzzling novelty of their shapes and the easy good-nature of O and Q and S seem to present themselves again before me as they used to do. But they recall no feeling of disgust or reluctance. On the contrary, I seem to have walked along a path of flowers as far as the crocodile-book, and to have been cheered by the gentleness of my mother’s voice and manner all the way.
But these solemn lessons which succeeded I remember as the death-blow to my peace, and a grievous daily drudgery and misery. They were very long, very numerous, very hard,—and I was generally as much bewildered by them as I believe my poor mother was herself.
Let me remember how it used to be, and bring one morning back again.
I come into the second-best parlor after breakfast with my books and an exercise-book and a slate. My mother is ready for me at her writing-desk, but not half so ready as Mr. Murdstone in his easy-chair by the window, though he pretends to be reading a book, or as Miss Murdstone, sitting near my mother, stringing steel beads. The very sight of these two has such an influence over me that I begin to feel the words I have been at infinite pains to get into my head all sliding away and going I don’t know where. I wonder where they do go, by the bye?
I hand the first book to my mother. Perhaps it is a grammar, perhaps a history or geography. I take a last drowning look at the page as I give it into her hand, and start off aloud at a racing pace while I have got it fresh. I trip over a word. Mr. Murdstone looks up. I trip over another word. Miss Murdstone looks up. I redden, tumble over half-a-dozen words, and stop. I think my mother would show me the book if she dared, but she does not dare, and she says softly:
“Oh, Davy! Davy!”
“Now, Clara,” says Mr. Murdstone, “be firm with the boy. Don’t say ‘Oh, Davy, Davy!’ That’s childish. He knows his lesson, or he does not know it.”
“He does not know it,” Miss Murdstone interposes, awfully.
“I am really afraid he does not,” says my mother.
“Then you see, Clara,” returns Miss Murdstone, “you should just give him the book back and make him know it.”
“Yes, certainly,” says my mother; “that is what I intend to do, my dear Jane. Now, Davy, try once more, and don’t be stupid.”
The natural result of this treatment was to make me sullen, dull, and dogged; and my temper was not improved by the sense that I was daily shut out from my mother.
One morning, after about six months of these lessons, when I went into the parlor with my books, I found my mother looking anxious, Miss Murdstone looking firm, and Mr. Murdstone binding something round the bottom of a cane,—a lithe and limber cane, which he left off binding when I came in, and poised and switched in the air.
“Now, David,” he said, “you must be far more careful to-day than usual.” He gave the cane another poise and another switch, and laid it down beside him with an expressive look and took up his book.
This was a good freshener to my presence of mind as a beginning. I felt the words of my lessons slipping off, not one by one, or line by line, but by the entire page. I tried to lay hold of them; but they seemed, if I may so express it, to have put skates on and to skim away from me with a smoothness there was no checking.
We began badly, and went on worse. I had come in, with an idea that I was very well prepared, but it turned out to be quite a mistake. Book after book was added to the heap of failures, Miss Murdstone being firmly watchful of us all the time. And when we came to the last, my mother burst out crying.
“Clara!” said Miss Murdstone, in her warning voice.
Mr. Murdstone laid down his book and stood up, cane in hand.
“David, you and I will go upstairs,” he said.
He walked me up to my room slowly and gravely, and when we got there, suddenly twisted my head under his arm.
“Mr. Murdstone! Sir!” I cried to him. “Don’t! Pray don’t beat me! I have tried to learn, sir, but I can’t learn while you and Miss Murdstone are by. I can’t indeed!”
“Can’t you, indeed, David?” he said. “We’ll try that.”
He had my head as in a vice, but I twined round him somehow, and stopped him for a moment, entreating him not to beat me. It was only for a moment that I stopped him, for he cut me heavily an instant afterwards, and in the same instant I caught his hand in my mouth, and bit it through. It sets my teeth on edge to think of it!
He beat me then, as if he would have beaten me to death. Above all the noise we made, I heard them running up the stairs, and crying out—I heard my mother crying out—and Peggotty. Then he was gone; and the door was locked outside; and I was lying, torn and sore and raging, upon the floor.
How well I recollect, when I became quiet, what an unnatural stillness seemed to reign through the whole house! How well I remember, when my smart and passion began to cool, how wicked I began to feel!
I sat listening for a long while, but there was not a sound. I crawled up from the floor, and saw my face in the glass, so swollen, red, and ugly that it almost frightened me. My stripes were sore and stiff, and made me cry afresh, when I moved; but they were nothing to the guilt I felt. It lay like lead upon my breast.
For five days I was imprisoned thus within my room, seeing no one except Miss Murdstone, who came to bring me food. They live like years in my remembrance. On the fifth night I heard my name softly whispered through the keyhole.
I groped my way to the door, and, putting my own lips to the keyhole, whispered,
“Is that you, Peggotty, dear?”
“Yes, my own precious Davy,” she replied. “Be as soft as a mouse, or the Cat’ll hear us.”
I understood this to mean Miss Murdstone, her room being close by.
“How’s mamma, dear Peggotty? Is she very angry with me?”
I could hear Peggotty crying softly on her side of the keyhole, as I was doing on mine, before she answered, “No. Not very.”
“What is going to be done with me, Peggotty, dear? Do you know?”
“School. Near London.”
“When, Peggotty?”
“To-morrow.”
“Sha’n’t I see mamma?”
“Yes,” said Peggotty. “Morning.”
Then she stole away, fearful of surprises. In the morning Miss Murdstone appeared as usual, and told me I was going to school, which was not altogether such news to me as she supposed. She also informed me that when I was dressed, I was to come down stairs into the parlor, and have my breakfast. There I found my mother, very pale and with red eyes, into whose arms I ran, and begged her pardon from my suffering soul.
“Oh, Davy!” she said. “That you could hurt any one I love! Try to be better, pray to be better! I forgive you; but I am so grieved, Davy, that you should have such bad passions in your heart.”
They had persuaded her that I was a wicked fellow, and she was more sorry for that than for my going away. I felt it sorely. I tried to eat my parting breakfast, but my tears dropped upon my bread and butter, and trickled into my tea. I saw my mother look at me sometimes, and then glance at the watchful Miss Murdstone, and then look down, or look away.
“Master Copperfield’s box there?” said Miss Murdstone, when wheels were heard at the gate.
I looked for Peggotty, but it was not she; neither she nor Mr. Murdstone appeared. My former acquaintance, the carrier, was at the door; the box was taken out to his cart and lifted in.
“Clara!” said Miss Murdstone, in her warning note.
“Yes, my dear Jane,” returned my mother. “Good-bye, Davy. You are going for your own good. Good-bye, my child. You will come home in the holidays, and be a better boy. God bless you!”
Miss Murdstone was good enough to take me out to the cart, and to say on the way that she hoped I would repent, before I came to a bad end; and then I got into the cart, and the lazy horse walked off with it.
We had not gone half a mile when I was astonished to see Peggotty burst from a hedge and climb into the cart. Not a word did she say, but she squeezed me tight, crammed a bag of cakes into my pockets, and put a purse into my hand. After a final squeeze she got down from the cart and ran away as quickly as she had come.
My pocket-handkerchief was now so wet that the carrier proposed spreading it out upon the horse’s back to dry. We did so, and I then had leisure to look at the purse. It had three bright shillings in it from Peggotty, and—more precious still—two half-crowns folded together in a bit of paper, on which was written, in my mother’s hand, “For Davy. With my love.”
I was so overcome by this that I asked the carrier to reach me my handkerchief again, but he said I had better let it dry first. I thought so too, and wiped my eyes on my sleeve this time.
Then the cakes came in for consideration. I offered the carrier one which he ate at a gulp, without the slightest change of expression.
“Did she make ’em?” asked the carrier, whose name, by the way, was Barkis.
“Peggotty, you mean, sir?”
“Ah!” said Mr. Barkis. “Her.”
“Yes, she makes all our pastry, and does all our cooking.”
Mr. Barkis said nothing for some moments. Then—
“Perhaps you might be writin’ to her, later on?”
“Yes, indeed,” I said.
“Then you just say to her that Barkis is willin’. Would you?”
“Yes, sir,” I replied, considerably puzzled by the message. And I did deliver it the very first time I wrote to Peggotty. I did not then know that the carrier meant, by being “willing,” he wanted to marry my good Peggotty and was too shy to say so for himself.
At Yarmouth I changed to the coach for London; and at London, to still another coach for Salem, the school. And so, after a long, wearisome journey, I reached my new destination. Another leaf of my life was turned over, and a fresh one begun.