Chapter XIII The mother’s trial
“Sweet are the uses of adversity,” writes the great poet of Nature. Experience confirms the blessed truth proclaimed by Revelation, that “they who sow in tears shall reap in joy.” The lips that meekly kiss the rod find that, like Aaron’s, it will blossom, and bear the fruits of peace, and even joy. Sorrow has so often been the step to sanctification, that we can scarcely wonder that the means have sometimes been mistaken for the end—that it has been thought that grief has in itself some purifying power, until much suffering on earth is almost regarded as a passport to heaven!
And yet how mistaken is this view!—how contrary to the warning in the Scriptures, that there is a sorrow of the world that worketh death? If some tears are like the dew that descends on the earth, shedding fertility and beauty on all sides, others are like the waters of the Dead Sea, bitter and unblessed: buried joys lie beneath, and a desert spreads around!
Such were the tears of Flora, on this blighting of her fondest hopes—this separation from him whom she regarded as the lode-star of her existence. Earth to her held nothing more to live for. All was a weary blank like that before the darkened eyes of the blind. She no longer found pleasure in aught that had pleased her before: her flowers drooped neglected, her instrument was dumb, her books were unopened, her pencil untouched. And as with her pleasures, so with her duties—all were alike disregarded. The poor listened in vain for her well-known step; her pupils wondered at her absence from the school; Emma openly complained of unkindness and neglect; while her children were shunned by Flora, or their presence endured with scarce concealed dislike and irritation. She noticed not, cared not, for the improvement wrought in them by Mrs. Vernon’s patient care; she only felt that their noisy merriment jarred on her wounded spirit; she was almost angry to think that they were happy! Flora was a changed being—changed even to her mother. The parent’s fond glance never met an answering smile; her tender words received short, sullen answers. Flora saved no pang to the gentle breast which maternal love gave her such power to wound. Not that she uttered a murmur—pride would not have suffered that; but there was reproach in the downcast, tearful eye—reproach in the tone of the mournful voice, in the languid step, the drooping form. By neglect of her own health, by sullen yielding to despair, Flora was revenging herself upon her mother.
And what was the state of her heart towards her heavenly Father? Alas! could the thoughts and feelings of the unhappy Flora have been written down, she would have started and trembled to see how near the breathings of a repining, gloomy spirit approached to blasphemy! She deemed herself hardly, unmercifully dealt with. She marvelled why she had been raised for a moment to the very pinnacle of human felicity, to be dashed down into the deep gulf of despair! Was the Almighty indeed a pitying Father? Had He led her into the paths of peace? Had He not rather filled her cup with bitterness, and withered her soul with disappointment? Nay, was it not religion that lay at the root of all her misery? Were not the conscientious misgivings of her mother as the worm that had destroyed the gourd that she delighted in? Had Mrs. Vernon’s views been less strict and puritanical—less bigoted, as Flora called them, in the anguish of her soul—would not her daughter have been the happiest of women?—would not she herself have been the proudest of mothers?
Such thoughts were sinful, marked with the deepest stain of ingratitude; yet Flora indulged in them freely. She almost accused Providence in secret of having exposed her to trials beyond what she could bear; unmindful of the fact that she had herself, in impatience of petty annoyances, chosen the path which, however flowery at first, she had found to be strewn with sharp thorns. If she was conscious that her faith was growing weak, and her love towards God becoming cold, she laid the blame upon the cruel circumstances of the position in which the Almighty had placed her. She had loved and served the Lord—at least so she deemed—when she was happy; but when His hand lay so heavy upon her, she was ready to forget all past mercies, all present blessings, all bright hopes of a blissful future. With Jonah her spirit exclaimed, “I do well to be angry:” with Elijah, “It is enough; take away my life!” Impatient to throw down the burden which her unchastened will refused to sustain, she longed, almost prayed, for death—little deeming in her present state how unfit she was to die. The sun of trial was now indeed glowing with intense and burning heat on the seed which had been sown in rocky ground; the plant which had shown in the world’s eye so fair, unwatered by grace, having no root in itself, in the time of temptation withered away.
Deep was the affliction of Mrs. Vernon; darker and darker grew the path before her. She had stood firm against the sophistry of human wisdom, the power of human eloquence; she had resisted even Flora’s pleading tears: but to see, week after week, and month after month, her child wasting to a shadow before her, was a lengthened torture to her loving heart which wore away the very thread of her life. In vain medical advice was sought for Flora. There was no physician to “minister to a mind diseased;” all the skill of man was unavailing where the patient chose death rather than life. There was an awful possibility before Mrs. Vernon, too terrible to contemplate, but which recurred to her mind again and again, as she gazed on the fading form of her child. There was nothing which appeared to rouse Flora, or to excite in her a moment’s interest, except the letters which she received from Ada, and which were perused only by herself. Mrs. Vernon never sought to know their contents; she felt that her daughter’s confidence and affection were now given to another, and that she herself stood in the position of a tyrant towards one who was far dearer to her than life!
“Have I indeed done what was right? or have I mistaken my duty—sacrificed to blind prejudice the happiness of my child—destroyed her health, her peace—ruined her hopes, in my ignorant, misguided zeal?” Such were the bitter reflections which recurred again and again, and ever with increasing bitterness, to the mind of the unhappy mother. In vain her pastor endeavoured to support her with the consolations of religion—to assure her that she had not only acted faithfully, but wisely: she could not endure to see the consequences of her own decision, still less to contemplate what might possibly be its final result.
Autumn rain was fast descending, streaming from the heavy black clouds, while ever and anon a wild gust of wind stripped the boughs of their faded leaves, and scattered them far and wide. Emma tried to beguile the weary time with a novel, but looked up from it every five minutes with a languid sigh, to complain of “the horrid weather,” and contrast the English climate with that of her native island. The children were restless and noisy, impatient of the confinement of the house, till Mrs. Vernon found employment for them all in looking over the curiosities of an old cabinet.
Where was Flora? Her mother sought her in the small sitting-room in which her daughter usually pursued her occupations. Her books, her piano, her desk, were there. The room was not, however, now occupied; Flora was in her own apartment. Mrs. Vernon noticed that an album was laid on the desk, in which Flora usually wrote her poetical effusions; and the sight of it made the mother hope that at least one favourite occupation had not been relinquished by her daughter. Often had Mrs. Vernon copied out verses from that album, and shed tears of pleasure over them. She opened the book to see if Flora had recently added to their number. Between the last written pages there were compressed flowers, their beauty faded, their life gone; yet precious, perhaps, as relics of the hours when they had bloomed as freshly as the hopes which, like them, had withered. The last verses in the volume were new to Mrs. Vernon; they bore the date but of yesterday; and she with anguish perused them as the transcript of the feelings of a young being whose life had not yet numbered twenty years.
LINES.
Is it sinful to gaze on the morning sun,
And wish that the gates of the west he had won—
That life’s day were over, its labours done?
Is it sinful to mark the first silver hair
’Mid dark tresses touched by the hand of care,
And wish time had shed all his winter there?
Is it sinful in life no joy to take,—
To feel like a captive bound to the stake
By a chain that galls us, and will not break?
Some fear to die: ’tis not so with me;
Rather, O Death, I pine for thee!
I long in the quiet grave to be!
“Oh! this is too much—too much!” exclaimed Mrs. Vernon, wringing her hands. “I can endure anything myself, but I cannot—oh, I cannot break the heart of my child!”
She hastened to Flora’s apartment with a quick and agitated step. She unclosed the door—she saw Flora on her knees, her hair dishevelled, her bosom heaving with sobs, as she pressed again and again convulsively to her lips a little diamond locket which she held in her hand.
Flora started to her feet at the sound of her mother’s entrance: as she did so a letter fell to the ground. Mrs. Vernon’s eye rested upon it for a moment: the handwriting was not that of Ada.
“Oh! mother—mother—forgive me; it was—from him!”
“He loves you still?”
“More than ever!” exclaimed Flora, bursting into a fresh flood of tears.
“Then let him be happy with you!” cried the mother, folding her child in her arms, and kissing away her tears, while her own flowed freely and fast. “I can resist no longer. Oh, God forgive me if I do wrong! Flora, my own beloved! be united to the husband of your choice; you have your mother’s consent and her blessing!”
On the scenes that followed I will not dwell, but leave them to the imagination of the reader. On the day when the first snow fell, Flora was the bride of Sir Amery.