An Address to the Steam Washing Company
“Archer. How many are there, Scrub?”
“Scrub. Five-and-forty, Sir.” Beaux’ Stratagem.
“For shame—let the linen alone!” M. W. of Windsor.
Mr. Scrub—Mr. Slop—or whoever you be!
The Cock of Steam Laundries,—the head Patentee
Of Associate Cleansers,—Chief founder and prime
Of the firm for the wholesale distilling of grime—
Co-partners and dealers, in linen’s propriety—
That make washing public—and wash in society—
O lend me your ear! if that ear can forego,
For a moment, the music that bubbles below,—
From your new Surrey Geisers all foaming and hot,—
That soft “simmer’s sang” so endear’d to the Scot—
If your hands may stand still, or your steam without danger—
If your suds will not cool, and a mere simple stranger,
Both to you and to washing, may put in a rub,—
O wipe out your Amazon arms from the tub,—
And lend me your ear,—Let me modestly plead
For a race that your labors may soon supersede—
For a race that, now washing no living affords—
Like Grimaldi must leave their aquatic old boards,
Not with pence in their pockets to keep them at ease,
Not with bread in the funds—or investments of cheese,—
But to droop like sad willows that liv’d by a stream,
Which the sun has suck’d up into vapor and steam.
Ah, look at the laundress, before you begrudge—
Her hard daily bread to that laudable drudge—
When chanticleer singeth his earliest matins,
She slips her amphibious feet in her pattens,
And beginneth her toil while the morn is still gray,
As if she was washing the night into day—
Not with sleeker or rosier fingers Aurora
Beginneth to scatter the dewdrops before her;
Not Venus that rose from the billow so early,
Look’d down on the foam with a forehead more pearly—
Her head is involv’d in an aërial mist,
And a bright-beaded bracelet encircles her wrist;
Her visage glows warm with the ardor of duty;
She’s Industry’s moral—she’s all moral beauty!
Growing brighter and brighter at every rub—
Would any man ruin her?—No, Mr. Scrub!
No man that is manly would work her mishap—
No man that is manly would covet her cap—
Nor her apron—her hose—nor her gown made of stuff—
Nor her gin—nor her tea—nor her wet pinch of snuff!
Alas! so she thought—but that slippery hope
Has betrayed her—as tho’ she had trod on her soap!
And she,—whose support,—like the fishes that fly,
Was to have her fins wet, must now drop from her sky—
She whose living it was, and a part of her fare,
To be damp’d once a day, like the great white sea bear,
With her hands like a sponge, and her head like a mop—
Quite a living absorbent that revell’d in slop—
She that paddled in water, must walk upon sand,
And sigh for her deeps like a turtle on land!
Lo, then, the poor laundress, all wretched she stands,
Instead of a counterpane wringing her hands!
All haggard and pinch’d, going down in life’s vale,
With no fagot for burning, like Allan-a-dale!
No smoke from her flue—and no steam from her pane,
There once she watch’d heaven, fearing God and the rain—
Or gaz’d o’er her bleach-field so fairly engross’d,
Till the lines wander’d idle from pillar to post!
Ah, where are the playful young pinners—ah, where
The harlequin quilts that cut capers in air—
The brisk waltzing stockings—the white and the black,
That danced on the tight-rope, or swung on the slack—
The light sylph-like garments, so tenderly pinn’d,
That blew into shape, and embodied the wind!
There was white on the grass—there was white on the spray—
Her garden—it looked like a garden of May!
But now all is dark—not a shirt’s on a shrub—
You’ve ruin’d her prospects in life, Mr. Scrub!
You’ve ruin’d her custom—now families drop her—
From her silver reduc’d—nay, reduc’d from her copper!
The last of her washing is done at her eye,
One poor little kerchief that never gets dry!
From mere lack of linen she can’t lay a cloth,
And boils neither barley nor alkaline broth,—
But her children come round her as victuals grow scant,
And recall, with foul faces, the source of their want—
When she thinks of their poor little mouths to be fed,
And then thinks of her trade that is utterly dead,
And even its pearlashes laid in the grave—
Whilst her tub is a dry rotting, stave after stave,
And the greatest of Coopers, ev’n he that they dub
Sir Astley, can’t bind up her heart or her tub,—
Need you wonder she curses your bones, Mr. Scrub!
Need you wonder, when steam has depriv’d her of bread,
If she prays that the evil may visit your head—
Nay, scald all the heads of your Washing Committee,—
If she wishes you all the soot blacks of the city—
In short, not to mention all plagues without number,
If she wishes you all in the Wash at the Humber!
Ah, perhaps, in some moment of drowth and despair,
When her linen got scarce, and her washing grew rare—
When the sum of her suds might be summ’d in a bowl,
And the rusty cold iron quite enter’d her soul—
When, perhaps, the last glance of her wandering eye
Had caught “the Cock Laundresses’ Coach” going by,
Or her lines that hung idle, to waste the fine weather,
And she thought of her wrongs and her rights both together,
In a lather of passion that froth’d as it rose,
Too angry for grammar, too lofty for prose,
On her sheet—if a sheet were still left her—to write,
Some remonstrance like this then, perchance, saw the light—
LETTER OF REMONSTRANCE
FROM BRIDGET JONES
TO THE NOBLEMEN AND GENTLEMEN FORMING THE WASHING COMMITTEE.
It’s a shame, so it is,—men can’t Let alone
Jobs as is Woman’s right to do—and go about there Own—
Theirs Reforms enuff Alreddy without your new schools
For washing to sit Up,—and push the Old Tubs from their stools!
But your just like the Raddicals,—for upsetting of the Sudds
When the world wagged well enuff—and Wommen washed your old dirty duds,
I’m Certain sure Enuff your Ann Sisters had no steem Indians, that’s Flat,—
But I warrant your Four Fathers went as Tidy and gentlemanny for all that—
I suppose your the Family as lived in the Great Kittle
I see on Clapham Commun, some times a very considerable period back when I were little,
And they Said it went with Steem,—But that was a joke!
For I never see none come of it,—that’s out of it—but only sum Smoak—
And for All your Power of Horses about your Indians you never had but Two
In my time to draw you About to Fairs—and hang you, you know that’s true!
And for All your fine Perspectuses,—howsomever you bewhich ’em,
Theirs as Pretty ones off Primerows Hill, as ever a one at Mitchum,
Tho’ I cant sea What Prospectives and washing has with one another to Do—
It aint as if a Bird’seye Hankicher could take a Birds-high view!
But Thats your look out—I’ve not much to do with that—But pleas God to hold up fine,
I’d show you caps and pinners and small things as lilliwhit as Ever crosst the Line
Without going any Father off then Little Parodies Place,
And Thats more than you Can—and I’ll say it behind your face—
But when Folks talks of washing, it aint for you to Speak,—
As kept Dockter Pattyson out of his Shirt for a Weak!
Thinks I, when I heard it—Well there’s a pretty go!
That comes o’ not marking of things or washing out the marks, and Huddling ’em up so!
Till Their friends conies and owns them, like drownded corpeses in a Vault,
But may Hap you havint Larn’d to spel—and That aint your Fault,
Only you ought to leafe the Linnins to them as has Larn’d,—
For if it warnt for Washing,—and whare Bills is concarned
What’s the Yuse, of all the world, for a Womans Headication,
And Their Being maid Schollards of Sundays—fit for any Cityation.
Well, what I says is This—when every Kittle has its spout,
Theirs no nead for Companys to puff steem about!
To be sure its very Well, when Their aint enuff Wind
For blowing up Boats with,—but not to hurt human kind
Like that Pearkins with his Blunderbush, that’s loaded with hot water,
Tho’ a X Sherif might know Better, than make things for slaughtter,
As if War warnt Cruel enuff—wherever it befalls,
Without shooting poor sogers, with sich scalding hot balls,—
But thats not so Bad as a Sett of Bare Faced Scrubbs
As joins their Sopes together, and sits up Steem rubbing Clubs,
For washing Dirt Cheap,—and eating other Peple’s grubs!
Which is all verry Fine for you and your Patent Tea,
But I wonders How Poor Wommen is to get Their Beau-He!
They must drink Hunt wash (the only wash God nose there will be!)
And their Little drop of Somethings as they takes for their Goods,
When you and your Steem has ruined (G—d forgive mee) their lively Hoods,
Poor Wommen as was born to Washing in their youth!
And now must go and Larn other Buisnesses Four Sooth!
But if so be They leave their Lines what are they to go at—
They won’t do for Angells—nor any Trade like That,
Nor we cant Sow Babby Work,—for that’s all Bespoke,—
For the Quakers in Bridle! and a vast of the confined Folk
Do their own of Themselves—even the better-most of em—aye, and evn them of middling degrees—
Why Lauk help you Babby Linen aint Bread and Cheese!
Nor we can’t go a hammering the roads into Dust,
But we must all go and be Bankers,—like Mr. Marshes and Mr. Charnberses,—and that’s what we must!
God nose you oght to have more Concern for our Sects,
When you nose you have suck’d us and hanged round our Mutherly necks,
And remembers what you Owes to Wommen Besides washing—
You aint, blame you! like Men to go a slushing and sloshing
In mop caps, and pattins, adoing of Females Labers
And prettily jear’d At you great Horse God Meril things, aint you now by your next door naybors—
Lawk I thinks I see you with your Sleaves tuckt up
No more like Washing than is drownding of a Pupp,
And for all Your Fine Water Works going round and round
They’ll scruntch your Bones some day—I’ll be bound
And no more nor be a gudgement,—for it cant come to good
To sit up agin Providince, which your a doing,—nor not fit It should,
For man warnt maid for Wommens starvation,
Nor to do away Laundrisses as is Links of the Creation—
And cant be dun without in any Country But a naked Hottinpot Nation.
Ah, I wish our Minister would take one of your Tubbs
And preach a Sermon in it, and give you some good rubs—
But I warrants you reads (for you cant spel we nose) nyther Bybills or Good Tracks,
Or youd no better than Taking the close off one’s Backs—
And let your neighbors oxin an Asses alone,—
And every Thing thats hern,—and give every one their Hone!
Well, its God for us All, and every Washer Wommen for herself,
And so you might, without shoving any on us off the shelf,
But if you warnt Noddis youd Let wommen abe
And pull off Your Pattins,—and leave the washing to we
That nose what’s what—Or mark what I say,
Youl make a fine Kittle of fish of Your Close some Day—
When the Aulder men wants Their Bibs and their aint nun at all,
And Cristmass cum—and never a Cloth to lay in Gild Hall,
Or send a damp shirt to his Woship the Mare
Till hes rumatiz Poor Man, and cant set uprite to do good in his Harm-Chare—
Besides Miss-Matching Larned Ladys Hose, as is sent for you not to wash (for you don’t wash)
And make Peples Stockins yeller as oght to be Blew,
With a vast more like That,—and all along of Steem
Which warnt meand by Nater for any sich skeam—
But thats your Losses and youl have to make It Good,
And I cant say I’m Sorry afore God if you shoud,
For men mought Get their Bread a great many ways
Without taking ourn,—aye, and Moor to your Prays
You might go and skim the creme off Mr. Muck-Adam’s milky ways—that’s what you might,
Or bete Carpets—or get into Parleamint,—or drive Crabrolays from morning to night,
Or, if you must be of our sects, be Watchmen, and slepe upon a poste!
(Which is an od way of sleping, I must say,—and a very hard pillow at most,)
Or you might be any trade, as we are not on that I’m awares,
Or be Watermen now, (not Water-wommen) and roe peple up and down Hungerford stares,
Or if You Was even to Turn Dust Men a dry sifting Dirt!
But you oughtint to Hurt Them as never Did You no Hurt!
Yourn with Anymocity,
BRIDGET JONES.
ODE TO CAPTAIN PAERY24
“By the North Pole, I do challenge thee!”
Love’s Labour’s Lost.
I.
Parry, my man! has thy brave leg
Yet struck its foot against the peg
On which the world is spun?
Or hast thou found No Thoroughfare
Writ by the hand of Nature there
Where man has never run!
II.
Hast thou yet traced the Great Unknown
Of channels in the Frozen Zone,
Or held at Icy Bay,
Hast thou still miss’d the proper track
For homeward Indian men that lack
A bracing by the way?
III.
Still hast thou wasted toil and trouble
On nothing but the North-Sea Bubble
Of geographic scholar?
Or found new ways for ships to shape,
Instead of winding round the Cape,
A short cut thro’ the collar?
IV.
Hast found the way that sighs were sent to
The Pole—tho’ God knows whom they went to!
That track reveal’d to Pope—
Or if the Arctic waters sally,
Or terminate in some blind alley,
A chilly path to grope?
V.
Alas! tho’ Ross, in love with snows,
Has painted them couleur de rose,
It is a dismal doom,
As Clauclio saith, to Winter thrice,
“In regions of thick-ribbed ice”—
All bright,—and yet all gloom!
VI.
’Tis well for Gheber souls that sit
Before the fire and worship it
With pecks of Wallsend coals,
With feet upon the fender’s front,
Roasting their corns—like Mr. Hunt—
To speculate on poles.
VII.
’Tis easy for our Naval Board—
’Tis easy for our Civic Lord
Of London and of ease,
That lies in ninety feet of down,
With fur on his nocturnal gown,
To talk of Frozen Seas!
VIII.
’Tis fine for Monsieur Ude to sit,
And prate about the mundane spit,
And babble of Cook’s track—
He’d roast the leather off his toes,
Ere he would trudge thro’ polar snows,
To plant a British Jack!
IX.
Oh, not the proud licentious great,
That travel on a carpet skate,
Can value toils like thine!
What ’tis to take a Hecla range,
Through ice unknown to Mrs. Grange,
And alpine lumps of brine?
X.
But we, that mount the Hill o’ Rhyme,
Can tell how hard it is to climb
The lofty slippery steep,
Ah! there are more Snow Hills than that
Which doth black Newgate, like a hat,
Upon its forehead, keep.
XI.
Perchance thou’rt now—while I am writing—
Feeling a bear’s wet grinder biting
About thy frozen spine!
Or thou thyself art eating whale,
Oily, and underdone, and stale,
That, haply, cross’d thy line!
XII.
But I’ll not dream such dreams of ill—
Rather will I believe thee still
Safe cellar’d in the snow,—
Reciting many a gallant story,
Of British kings and British glory,
To crony Esquimaux—
XIII.
Cheering that dismal game where Night
Makes one slow move from black to white
Thro’ all the tedious year,—
Or smitten by some fond frost fair,
That comb’d out crystals from her hair,
Wooing a seal-skin dear!
XIV.
So much a long communion tends,
As Byron says, to make us friends
With what we daily view—
God knows the daintiest taste may come
To love a nose that’s like a plum
In marble, cold and blue!
XV.
To dote on hair, an oily fleece!
As tho’ it hung from Helen o’ Greece—
They say that love prevails
Ev’n in the veriest polar land—
And surely she may steal thy hand
That used to steal thy nails!
XVI.
But ah, ere thou art fixed to marry,
And take a polar Mrs. Parry,
Think of a six months’ gloom—
Think of the wintry waste, and hers,
Each furnish’d with a dozen furs,
Think of thine icy dome!
XVII.
Think of the children born to blubber!
Ah me! hast thou an Indian rubber
Inside!—to hold a meal
For months,—about a stone and half
Of whale, and part of a sea calf—
A fillet of salt veal!—
XVIII.
Some walrus ham—no trifle but
A decent steak—a solid cut
Of seal—no wafer slice!
A reindeer’s tongue and drink beside!
Gallons of sperm—not rectified!
And pails of water-ice!
XIX.
Oh, canst thou fast and then feast thus?
Still come away, and teach to us
Those blessed alternations—
To-day to run our dinners fine,
To feed on air and then to dine
With Civic Corporations—
XX.
To save th’ Old Bailey daily shilling,
And then to take a half-year’s filling
In P.N.’s pious Row—
When ask’d to Hock and haunch o’ ven’son,
Thro’ something we have worn our pens on
For Longman and his Co.
XXI.
O come and tell us what the Pole is—
Whether it singular and sole is,—
Or straight, or crooked bent,—
If very thick or very thin,—
Made of what wood—and if akin
To those there be in Kent?
XXII.
There’s Combe, there’s Spurzheim, and there’s Gall,
Have talk’d of poles—yet, after all,
What has the public learn’d?
And Hunt’s account must still defer,—
He sought the poll at Westminster—
And is not yet return’d!
XXIII.
Alvanly asks if whist, dear soul,
Is play’d in snow-towns near the Pole,
And how the fur-man deals?
And Eldon doubts if it be true,
That icy Chancellors really do
Exist upon the seals!
XXIV.
Barrow, by well-fed office grates,
Talks of his own bechristen’d Straits,
And longs that he were there;
And Croker, in his cabriolet,
Sighs o’er his brown horse, at his Bay,
And pants to cross the mer!
XXV.
O come away, and set us right,
And, haply, throw a northern light
On questions such as these:—
Whether, when this drown’d world was lost.
The surflux waves were lock’d in frost,
And turned to Icy Seas!
XXVI.
Is Ursa Major white or black?
Or do the Polar tribes attack
Their neighbors—and what for?
Whether they ever play at cuffs,
And then, if they take off their muffs
In pugilistic war?
XXVII.
Tells us, is Winter champion there,
As in our milder fighting air?
Say, what are Chilly loans?
What cures they have for rheums beside,
And if their hearts get ossified
From eating bread of bones?
XXVIII.
Whether they are such dwarfs—the quicker
To circulate the vital liquor,—
And then, from head to heel—
How short the Methodists must choose
Their dumpy envoys not to lose
Their toes in spite of zeal?
XXIX.
Whether ’twill soften or sublime it
To preach of Hell in such a climate—
Whether may Wesley hope
To win their souls—or that old function
Of seals—with the extreme of unction—
Bespeaks them for the Pope?
XXX.
Whether the lamps will e’er be “learn’d”
Where six months’ “midnight oil” is burn’d
Or Letters must confer
With people that have never conn’d
An A, B, C, but live beyond
The Sound of Lancaster!
XXXI.
O come away at any rate—
Well hast thou earn’d a downier state—
With all thy hardy peers—
Good lack, thou must be glad to smell dock,
And rub thy feet with opodeldock,
After such frosty years.
XXXII.
Mayhap, some gentle dame at last,
Smit by the perils thou hast pass’d.
However coy before,
Shall bid thee now set up thy rest
In that Brest Harbor, woman’s breast,
And tempt the Fates no more!
ODE TO W. KITCHENER, M.D.25
AUTHOR OF “THE COOK’S ORACLE,” “OBSERVATIONS ON VOCAL MUSIC,” “THE ART OF INVIGORATING AND PROLONGING LIFE,” “PRACTICAL OBSERVATIONS ON TELESCOPES, OPERA-GLASSES, AND SPECTACLES,” “THE HOUSEKEEPER’S LEDGER,” AND “THE PLEASURE OF MAKING A WILL.”
“I rule the roast, as Milton says! “—Caleb Quotem.
Oh! multifarious man!
Thou Wondrous, Admirable Kitchen Crichton!
Born to enlighten
The laws of Optics, Peptics, Music, Cooking—
Master of the Piano—and the Pan—
As busy with the kitchen as the skies!
Now looking
At some rich stew thro’ Galileo’s eyes,—
Or boiling eggs—timed to a metronome—
As much at home
In spectacles as in mere isinglass—
In the art of frying brown—as a digression
On music and poetical expression,
Whereas, how few of all our cooks, alas!
Could tell Calliope from “Callipee!”
How few there be
Could leave the lowest for the highest stories, (Observatories,)
And turn, like thee, Diana’s calculator,
However cook’s synonymous with Kater!
Alas! still let me say,
How few could lay
The carving knife beside the tuning fork,
Like the proverbial Jack ready for any work!
II.
Oh, to behold thy features in thy book!
Thy proper head and shoulders in a plate,
How it would look!
With one rais’d eye watching the dial’s date,
And one upon the roast, gently cast down—
Thy chops—done nicely brown—
The garnish’d brow—with “a few leaves of bay”—
The hair—“done Wiggy’s way!”
And still one studious finger near thy brains,
As if thou wert just come
From editing some
New soup—or hashing Dibdin’s cold remains;
Or, Orpheus-like,—fresh from thy dying strains
Of music,—Epping luxuries of sound,
As Milton says, “in many a bout
Of linked sweetness long drawn out,”
Whilst all thy tame stuff’d leopards listen’d round!
III.
Oh, rather thy whole proper length reveal,
Standing like Fortune,—on the jack—thy wheel.
(Thou art, like Fortune, full of chops and changes,
Thou hast a fillet too before thine eye!)
Scanning our kitchen, and our vocal ranges,
As tho’ it were the same to sing or fry—
Nay, so it is—hear how Miss Paton’s throat
Makes “fritters” of a note!
And how Tom Cook (Fryer and Singer born
By name and nature) oh! how night and morn
He for the nicest public taste doth dish up
The good things from that Pan of music, Bishop!
And is not reading near akin to feeding,
Or why should Oxford Sausages be fit
Receptacles for wit?
Or why should Cambridge put its little, smart,
Minc’d brains into a Tart?
Nay, then, thou wert but wise to frame receipts,
Book-treats,
Equally to instruct the Cook and cram her—
Receipts to be devour’d, as well as read,
The Culinary Art in gingerbread—
The Kitchen’s Eaten Grammar!
IV.
Oh, very pleasant is thy motley page—
Aye, very pleasant in its chatty vein—
So—in a kitchen—would have talk’d Montaigne,
That merry Gascon—humorist, and sage!
Let slender minds with single themes engage,
Like Mr. Bowles with his eternal Pope,—
Or Haydon on perpetual Haydon,—or
Hume on “Twice three make four,”
Or Lovelass upon Wills,—Thou goest on
Plaiting ten topics, like Tate Wilkinson!
Thy brain is like a rich Kaleidoscope,
Stuff’d with a brilliant medley of odd bits,
And ever shifting on from change to change,
Saucepans—old Songs—Pills—Spectacles—and Spits!
Thy range is wider than a Rumford Range!
Thy grasp a miracle!—till I recall
Th’ indubitable cause of thy variety—
Thou art, of course, th’ Epitome of all
That spying—frying—singing—mix’d Society
Of Scientific Friends, who used to meet
Welch Rabbits—and thyself—in Warren Street!
V.
Oh, hast thou still those Conversazioni,
Where learned visitors discoursed—and fed?
There came Belzoni,
Fresh from the ashes of Egyptian dead—
And gentle Poki—and that Royal Pair,
Of whom thou didst declare—
“Thanks to the greatest Cooke we ever read—
They were—what Sandwiches should be—half bred”!
There fam’d M’Adam from his manual toil
Relax’d—and freely own’d he took thy hints
On “making Broth with Flints”—
There Parry came, and show’d thee polar oil
For melted butter—Combe with his medullary
Notions about the Skullery,
And Mr. Poole, too partial to a broil—
There witty Rogers came, that punning elf!
Who used to swear thy book
Would really look
A Delphic “Oracle,” if laid on Delf—
There, once a month, came Campbell and discuss’d
His own—and thy own—“Magazine of Taste”—
There Wilberforce the Just
Came, in his old black suit, till once he trac’d
Thy sly advice to Poachers of Black Folks,
That “do not break their yolks”—
Which huff’d him home, in grave disgust and haste!
VI.
There came John Clare, the poet, nor forbore
Thy Patties—thou wert hand-and-glove with Moore,
Who call’d thee “Kitchen Addison”—for why?
Thou givest rules for Health and Peptic Pills,
Forms for made dishes, and receipts for Wills,
“Teaching us how to live and how to die!”
There came thy Cousin-Cook, good Mrs. Fry—
There Trench, the Thames Projector, first brought on
His sine Quay non,—
There Martin would drop in on Monday eves,
Or Fridays, from the pens, and raise his breath
’Gainst cattle days and death,—
Answer’d by Mellish, feeder of fat beeves,
Who swore that Frenchmen never could be eager
For fighting on soup meagre—
“And yet, (as thou would’st add,) the French have seen
A Marshall Tureen”!
VII.
Great was thy Evening Cluster!—often grac’d
With Dollond—Burgess—and Sir Humphry Davy!
’Twas there M’Dermot first inclin’d to Taste,—
There Colborn learn’d the art of making paste
For puffs—and Accum analyzed a gravy.
Colman—the Cutter of Coleman Street, ’tis said
Came there,—and Parkins with his Ex-wise-head,
(His claim to letters)—Kater, too, the Moon’s
Crony,—and Graham, lofty on balloons,—
There Croly stalk’d with holy humor heated,
Who wrote a light-horse play, which Yates completed—
And Lady Morgan, that grinding organ,
And Brasbridge telling anecdotes of spoons,—
Madame Valbrèque thrice honor’d thee, and came
With great Rossini, his own bow and fiddle,—
The Dibdins,—Tom, Charles, Frognall,—came with tuns
Of poor old books, old puns!
And even Irving spar’d a night from fame,—
And talk’d—till thou didst stop him in the middle,
To serve round Tewah-diddle!
VIII.
Then all the guests rose up, and sighed good-bye!
So let them:—thou thyself art still a Host!
Dibdin—Cornaro—Newton—Mrs. Fry!
Mrs. Glasse, Mr. Spec!—Lovelass—and Weber,
Matthews in Quot’em—Moore’s fire-worshipping Gheber—
Thrice-worthy Worthy, seem by thee engross’d!
Howbeit the Peptic Cook still rules the roast,
Potent to hush all ventriloquial snarling,—
And ease the bosom pangs of indigestion!
Thou art, sans question,
The Corporation’s love its Doctor Darling!
Look at the Civic Palate—nay, the Bed
Which set dear Mrs. Opie on supplying
Illustrations of Lying!
Ninety square feet of down from heel to head
It measured, and I dread
Was haunted by a terrible night Mare,
A monstrous burthen on the corporation!—
Look at the Bill of Fare for one day’s share,
Sea-turtles by the score—Oxen by droves,
Geese, turkeys, by the flock—fishes and loaves
Countless, as when the Lilliputian nation
Was making up the huge man-mountain’s ration!
IX.
Oh! worthy Doctor! surely thou hast driven
The squatting Demon from great Garratt’s breast—
(His honor seems to rest!—)
And what is thy reward?—Hath London given
Thee public thanks for thy important service?
Alas! not even
The tokens it bestowed on Howe and Jervis!—
Yet could I speak as Orators should speak
Before the worshipful the Common Council
(Utter my bold bad grammar and pronounce ill,)
Thou should’st not miss thy Freedom, for a week,
Richly engross’d on vellum:—Reason urges
That he who rules our cookery—that he
Who edits soups and gravies, ought to be
A Citizen, where sauce can make a Burgess!