Dhe Solucion Ov Dhe Orthograpphic Riddel
Prefface
Dheze emmanacions ov dhe Brittish Muze,
Hware Inglish thaughts cood Inglish dres refuze,
Wer wonce prezented to’ anoddher pres,
Dho dhence bor’n bac az hopeles ov succes.
Hwat onnest crittic ehr cood creddit elligibel,
Riddels to’ hiz reserches unintelligibel?
Hwen steddy caucion gards dhe litt’rate relm,
Nevver shal forrain fluds dheze iles o’rhwelm:
Orthoggraphy dhe moddher-tung shal guiv,
Evver, az evv’rihware, widh Truith to’ liv;
Truith, Rezon, Buty shal o’rspred dhe nacion;
Shal solv dhe Riddel, widh won contemplacion.
Dhe pubblic monnitor ov truith,
Swor’n ennemy to’ hwat’z uncooth,
Widh blockheds simmilarly spels,
(Orthoggraphy widh plezzure tels)
Dhat dhus dhe foarce ov riddicule
Shood laf dhe lerned bac to’ scool.
Hwat dhen shood cauz dhat lafter strainge?
Hwat shood occazion genn’ral chainge?
Orthoggraphy dhe anser guivs,
To’ sattisfy hooevver livs.
Dhe onnest wil confes dhe pitty,
Coart, contry, cittadel widh citty;
Dhat aincients, widh dhe guiddy yong,
Shood studdy stil dhe Lattin tung;
Shood leve to’ levvity, to’ dollor,
Dhe unprofiscient Inglish scollar;
Shood guiv dhe verry strainger dred,
Ov guibberish, dhat nehr waz red;
Dhat nehr waz herd widhout derizzion,
Eskewing occular revizzion.
Dhis won exampel wel wil proov,
Wil libb’ral lafter doutles moov:
Hwen Peddantry shal cese to’ swel,
Onnor’d Humillity wil spel.
Dhe buty dhen, ov Brittish truith,
Rezistles shal enammor yooth;
Shal evvidence dh’ assevveracion,
Thro’out dh’ etymmolodgic nacion;
Dhat won poettic exhibiscion
Cood, widhout litt’ral intuiscion,
Fil evv’ry litterary artikel,
Dho nevver spel won singuel partikel:
Cood faithfoolly dhe hoal prezent,
Widhout6 wonce shadd’wing hwat wer ment.
Notes
1 If not vulgarized from batteller.
2 Ov mow dhe vowel and servile coalesce, (az in sow,) into’ a dipthong, in dhe compound noun barley-mow.
3 From dhe old barbarous French isle4, faulte, voulte, recepte, debte, doubte; parfaict, vraidict: now duly île, faute, voute, recette, dette, doute, parfait, and vraidit from verè dictum.
4 Inglish propriety, and indeed common-sense, must also protest against two’ late misnomers: Th’isleworth for Thistelworth; and dhe forrain affectacion ov St. Mary la bonne (or even borne) for Marribone.
5 Without one particle, representing what is read.
6 Widhout won partikel, repprezenting hwat iz red.