In Question and Answer
SATURDAY, May 14. 1681.
Q. But which way lies your Humour then?
A. My way (you must know) lies more to History, and Books, and Politicks, and Religion, and such as That, But take this along with you too; that I am for turning over of Men, as well as Books; for that’s the Profitable Study when all’s done.
Q. Pre’ thee commend me to the Common Hangman then, If He that turns over the most men be the Greatest Philosopher. But how turning over of Men?
A. That is to say, I Read Them; I Study them; I speak of turning over their Actions, not their Bodys. And Pray observe my Simile. Every Action of a mans Life resembles a Page in a Book. D’ye Mark me?
Q. I were to Blame else, But what are the Authors that you would recommend to a bodys Reading?
A. Why thereafter as the Subject is, As for History; ye have Clarks Lives, and Examples; Lloyd’s Memoirs; the Popes Warehouse, &c. For Politicks; There’s Mr. Baxters Holy Commonwealth, the Assemblys Catechism, The Letter about the Black Box, &c. For Law, ye have Mr. Prinn’s Soveraign Power of Parliaments; Smiths Vox Populi, &c. For Morals, There’s Youth’s Behaviour; And then For Deep Knowledge, ye have Brightman’s Revelations Reveal’d; Lilly’s Hieroglyphicks; the Northern Star, Jones of the Heart: All Excellent Pieces in their kinds, and not Inferior (perhaps) to any of the Ancients.
Q. I was never so happy as to meet with any of these Authors. But what d’ye think of Cornelius Tacitus?
A. A Talking, Tedious, Empty Fellow.
Q. Well but is not Titus Livius a pretty Good Historian?
A. Ha Ha Ha. That Same Titus is an Errant Puppy, A Damn’d, Insipid, Lying Coxcomb. Titus Livius a good Historian sayst thou? Why if I had a Schoolboy that writ such Latin I’de tickle his Toby for him.
Q. But what’s your Opinion of Caesars Commentaries then? I mean, for a Narrative?
A. A Narrative d’ye say? Deliver me from such Narratives! Why ’tis no more to be compar’d to the Narratives that are written now adays, then an Apple is to an Oyster.
Q. But however He was a very Brave Fellow, was he not?
A. He was an Arbitrary, Oppressing, Tyrannical Fellow. And then for his Bravery, he did pretty well at the Battel of Leipsick, and after that, at Lepanto; and when you have said that, you have said all.
Q. You have read all these Authors, have you not?
A. Why verily I have, and I have not. They are a company of Lying, Ridiculing Rascals; They do not AFFECT me at all: they are below me, they are not worth my notice.
Q. What would I give to be as well vers’d in History, as you are?
A. And that’s Impossible, let me tell ye; Utterly Impossible: For I reade just six times as much as any other Man. I have Read more Folio’s then ever Tostatus read Pages. In one Word; I reade as much in one hour, as any other man reads in six.
Q. Why how can that be?
A. Why you must know I have a notable Faculty that way. I read ye two Pages at a view: the Right-hand Page with one eye, and the Left with t’other, and then I carry three Lines before me at a time with each eye.
Q. But can ye Keep what ye Reade, at this rate?
A. I remember six times more then I reade; for I supply all that was left out, and yet ’tis a wonderfull thing, I cannot for my heart’s blood remember Faces. I dare swear I have taken one man for another twenty times; but I am altogether for Things, and Notions, d’ye see, and such like; Countenances, let me tell ye, don’t AFFECT me; And yet I have a strange aversion for the two Faces I saw with you t’other day.
Q. What D’ye mean, Kings-man and Church-man?
A. Devil’s-man and Damms-man: A couple of Canary-Birds, I’le warrant ’em: But Kings-man is better yet then Duke’s-man.
Q. Why do ye talk thus of men of Quality, and Considerable Families?
A. Well! but I may live to see their Honours laid in the dust tho’ for all that. Prethee why is not Circingle-man, Lawn-sleeve-man, Mitre-man, as good a name as Church-man? Pray what Family is this same Church-man of, for I know a world of the Name? He’s of the Prelatical House, I suppose, Is he not?
Q. Well, and is he ever the worse for that?
A. Only Antichrist is the Head of the Family. Come let me talk a little roundly to ye. How many sound Protestant Divines may there be of that House now, d’ye think, in England, and Wales, and the Town of Berwick upon Tweed? not above Six, if I be a Christian, and all the rest are Tantivy’s, and worshippers of the Beast: But I may live yet to have the scowring of some of their Frocks for ’em.
Q. Prethee when didst thou see Mr. Sancroft?
A. Not a good while; but Harry and I had a Crash t’other day yonder at Greenwich.
Q. What’s become of L’Estrange I wonder?
A. Who! Towzer? that Impudent Dog; That Tory-Rascal; That Fidling Curr. He’s in the Plot with Celiers, and young Tong, as sure as thou’rt alive, and as Rank a Papist (let him swear what he will) as ever Piss’t.
Q. But has he not taken the Sacrament to the contrary?
A. A Popish Proselyte is no more to be believ’d, upon his Oath, than the Devil himself if he were to Expound upon the Gospel. Why they have Dispensations to swear any thing.
Q. What and continue Papists still?
A. Yes: And go on still with the Hellish Popish Plot, as heartily as ever they did before. Why don’t you see how the Toad Brazens it out still that he was not at Somerset-House? tho’ Prance and Mowbray swear they saw him there?
Q. Well, But who knows best? He Himself, or the Witnesses?
A. Not a fart matter; For whether ’twas so or not; It were better Forty such Rogues were Hang’d then one Kings-Evidence Disparag’d.
Q. But did they not swear a little short, think ye?
A. Nay, they might have sworn homer, I must confess.
Q. But now you mind me of Somerset-House; Do’nt you remember a young Fellow of Cambridge that Refus’d to receive the Sacrament, because (as he told his Master) he was reconcil’d to the Church, of Rome, and Converted, and Baptiz’d at Somerset-House? This is an old story ye must know. Why might not this be Towzer?
A. Nay as like as not, for the Universitys are the very Seminarys of Popery, and it will never be well with England till those Calves be turn’d a grazing.
Q. But is there no believing of a Converted Papist upon his Oath? Why does the Law receive ’em then (upon such and such Certain Tests) for statutable Protestants?
A. The Law never was among ’em as I have been. There’s no such thing (I tell ye) as a Converted Papist, and he shall sooner change his shape, then his Nature: Kiss a Book, Kiss mine Arse.
Q. Why d’ye talk thus at random?
A. Come, come, the Outlandish Doctor for my mony: that told one of the Macks t’other day in the face of the Bench, that he would let down his Breeches and shite upon him. Plain-dealing’s a Jewell.
Q. Thou’rt e’en as busy with a Backside as a Glyster-Pipe. But (sluttery a part) Pray have a care what ye say; for if a Proselyted Papist be not to be trusted upon his Oath, what becomes of the Kings Evidence that swear under the same Circumstances? But here’s enough of this; and Pre’thee tell us now, how go squares in the State all this while?
A. Oh very bad, very bad, nothing but Tory-Rorys, from top to bottom. Tory-Judges; Tory-Jurys; Tory-Justices; Tory-Officers; Tory-Crackfarts; Tory-Pamphlets. All, Certiorari-men, and Yorkists. But I rattled up some of ’em there at the——What d’ye call’t-House——Oh they’r grown strangely Insolent since these Bawling Addresses.
Q. Why what do they do?
A. Why they set every Rascally Squire and Doctor above me: Nay, they’l scarce put off their hats to me unless I begin; and then they stand grinning at Me and my Train. Would you think now that a fellow should have the Impudence to call Me to an account, for nothing in the world, but saying, that he had a Bitch to his Wife, and she a Rogue to her Husband. And then to be call’d Sirrah for my pains, only for telling a Court-Kinsman of his that I should Lace the Rogue, his Cozens Coat for him. Well If I had not sent a Fool o’my errant I had had the Rascal in Lob’s Pound before this time.
Q. And how came ye to miss?
A. Why the Agent that I employ’d was so set upon his Guts, that he never minded the discourse at the Table. We had had him else. Or if he could but have got him to ha’ met me, we’d ha’ done his business.
Q. But d’ye take this to be fair dealing now; to set any man at work to betray his Host; or to give such language to people of Condition?
A. What not when the Protestant Religion lies at stake? Why Pre’thee I tell the Proudest of ’em all to their Teeth, that they are Villains and Scoundrells. What do I care for their Graces and Reverences, they Pimp for Preferment, and some of ’em shall hear on’t too next Parliament. But Hark ye I have a great deal of work upon my hands, and I want an Ammanuensis out of all Cry.
Q. Why ye had a Pretty Fellow to’ther day, what’s become of him?
A. I’l tell ye then. A Taylor had made him a Garment: and afterwards coming to him for the mony, he deny’d the Receit on’t and being prest upon it, he offer’d to purge himself upon Oath, that he never had any such Garment. Upon this, the matter rested for a while; but at length, it was prov’d where he had Sold it, and so the Taylor had satisfaction. In short, I turn’d him away apon’t, for he is no servant for me that’s taken in a false Oath.
Q. How is it possible for you to go thorough with all your Writing-work?
A. Nay that’s true; considering what a deal of other business I have; for really there would be no Justice done, if I did not look after Witnesses, Jurys, Choice of City-Officers, Election of Members to serve in Parliament, both for Town, and Country; the disposing of Ecclesiastical Dignitys; the Jurisdiction of Courts; the Government of Prisons; the Regulation of Messengers Fees: In one word, the stress of the whole Government lyes in a manner upon my shoulders; And I am so Harrass’d with it, that I profess I was e’en thinking, a little before the Meeting of the last Parliament, to lay out a matter of Twenty or Thirty Thousand Pound upon some Pretty Seat in the Country, and Retire.
Q. Why truly for a man that has seen the world as you have done, what can he do better?
A. Yes, I have seen the world to my Cost. ’Twas a sad thing for me, you must think, that never went to bed in my Mothers House without four or five Servants to wait upon me, (and if I had a mind to a Tart, a Custard, or a Cheescake at any time, I had ’em all at command:) to be Hackny’d, and Jolted up and down in a Forreign Country like a Common Body.
Q. But what was it that put you upon Travel?
A. The Desire I had to see Religions, and Fashions: And now it comes in my head. Did you ever see my Grounds and Occasions of the Contempt of the Clergy?
Q. Was That Yours then?
A. Mum; betwixt friends. But I shall have a touch ere long at the Creed-making Rascal there.
Q. Who’s that? Athanasius?
A. The very same. What a Declaration is there?
Q. But how d’ye like the Kings Declaration?
A. Not at all. Not at all. It runs so much upon the Arbitrary, and the Prelatick? Yes, and upon something else too.
Q. Come, ‘Faith we should not part with dry lips, What d’ye think of one Roomer now to the Health of? (Hark, and I’le tell ye.)
A. I’le drink no Traitors Health.
Q. Why prethee what is Civilly-Drinking his Health, more then Dutifully Praying for’t?
A. No: I am of the mans mind that said, I hope the Devil will have him; and if there be any punishment in Hell greater then another, I hope the Devil will tear his soul to pieces. So Farewell.
Q. What a Blessed sort of Subjects and Christians are these, that value themselves in the One Capacity, for their Contempt of Authority: And in the other, for the Zeal of Flying out into Blasphemys, and Execrations, instead of Prayers? But what shall I call this at last? A Romantique, or an Historical Observator?
London, Printed for Johanna Brome, at the Gun in S. Pauls Church-yard.
Numb. 110